Happy New Year!!!

Happy New Year!!!

Oh, let’s hope that 2008 packs fewer shitballs than 2007. That won’t be hard, but Great Bastard Up Above sure does like to bring around a few surprises…

Let’s take a peek into the Magickal Cauldron and see what 2008 has in store for you!!!

Now, let’s do something fun and different. Sister Mary is going to pull a tarot card out of the cauldron for each and every sexy sign to forecast what kind of year you’re going to have!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Temperance. You probably got this one last year. You probably get it every year! The Aries theme of 2008 is patience and balance, your two least favorite things next to liver and onions and taxes and traffic. Now, while 2007 and all the previous years demanded patience and balance, 2008 is going to demand it like a crusty old crack whore. Start your yoga and double up on the Enya in the IPod. The alternative includes your head exploding.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Star. Illusions and fantasies will be your friends and your backstabbing bastards all at the same time. Dreams keep you in shape, make you more attractive to the world, so long as you’re actually enacting them and not wanking off to them all day in your mom’s basement. Make the choice this year to get the new headshots and actually send the fuckers to an agent, or realize that you’re a few years past that fresh prime phase and consider directing. Whatever it is that you’ve been kinda thinking about for the past good bit, make this the year you do it—or get over it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
The World. It’s the year of wrap-ups for Gemini and fortunately, these look like pretty happy endings for most of you. In the Universal sense, anyway. Yet ye mortals have such a hard time letting go of anything, you cry even at the happiest cartoon bunny ending. Hop Hop Hop!!! Now, Gemini. You will, naturally, feel thwarted and confused by the quick succession of endings, many of which will occur before your birthday, but you’ll quickly be distracted by the pretty shiny sparkles on the water and move onto your next chapter of insanity.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Many Cancers are already in the year of The Hermit, a time for re-evaluating relationships—or, in Cancer World, who enable and who we permit to enable us. Looks like 2008 will provide a big steaming heap of relationship streamlining, strengthening and severing when necessary. Be sure to collect all money you owe before you have to fire people.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The Sun. Hooray! How perfect is it to have your home planet hanging above you all year long! The Sun represents warmth, optimism and ultraviolet burns. 2008 will teach you to smile at every fubar, grin at every fucktard and most importantly, know when you’ve had enough and go inside for an aloe bath. The former part of that equation will make you an even stronger and friskier lion as the year goes on, but don’t Pollyanna your way through a minefield. If you don’t get what Sister Mary is saying, go look it up on the Internet or call a jaded friend and get their opinion.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Hanged Man. Virgo, it is Sister Mary’s most sincere regret to inform you that 2008 is going to kick your bony ass almost as much as 2007 did. Financial woes, heartache, backache, unintentional celibacy—you’re strung up by your own bootstraps and you’re wondering how the hell to get down. In time, the bow will break and the futon will fall and you’ll land on your feet (maybe) and it will be time to start all over. Meanwhile, drink heavily and pretend it’s all a dream.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
The Wheel of Fortune. Libras are funny critters when it comes to change. They’ll dig their stilettos into the dirt and say “No, no, no!!!” at the thought of even changing their underwear. But then Libra is suddenly so curious about the bangles on the new thong, they’ll deny ever having been against it. Libra, you do have a year of changing the thong coming up. But you’ll be very happy with the results.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Justice. Oh, what is it with you? Who do you just HAVE to kill this year that you didn’t bump off last year? Actually, Scorpio, you’re going to be reaping every bit as much Karma as you distribute along the way. Make sure you light the pigeon poo on the right doorstep.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
The High Priestess. So, your year of existential thinking has left you with the residual migraine, correct? SMM thought that you were going to eventually come back to this planet and reside with the sort of normal people again, but it doesn’t look as though it’s going to happen in 2008. The ideas and philosophies you’ve been pondering over the past 18 months will be put into practice in the coming year. For some of you, you’ll quickly learn that the rhetoric was actually rheto-BULLSHIT. Then again, others of you may find you like having a shaved head and wearing orange sari-thingies in the middle of winter. Suit yourself!

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Empress. Dealing with Mommy Issues??? Better late than whenever. Capricorns will find themselves becoming mothers or marrying mothers or screwing mothers or maybe just calling their mothers a bit more often. Feminine power is key to Capricorns in 2008. If you’re not on good terms with your mom, try to fix that before Valentine’s Day. Maybe she’ll give you one of her Cubic Zirconia and you can propose (or at least swoon) that cutie you’ve been after.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Magician. The Magician is said to be the strongest trump in the tarot because that dude knows everything. Guess what? It’s YOU this year! You’re going to have to pull yourself together just enough to keep the rest of the world from exploding. It actually won’t be that hard for you. You’ll find you’ve got supplies and information that others desperately need. It’s about time to payback all those people who let you crash on their floors in 2007.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
The Hierophant. Pisces, you might hate this. But you’re going to find strength in structure this year, primarily in terms of higher institutions of learning. You might even find yourself in Synagogue more than twice in the coming year. It’s going to be a year of aligning yourself with a higher power, which is undoubtedly glorious. Maybe you’ll end up with super powers. That’s a pretty exciting prospect.

Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SMM still loves you!!!