Aquarius...and an Urgent Request!!!

Very important. Your cooperation is essential.

Sister Mary Manhattan is not contacting you on behalf of the Flying Monkeys. (Although they’re looking quite lean.)

She is not contacting you for Guinness funds.

She is not contacting you for Sister Mary Brooklyn’s rehab, Sister Mary Astoria’s visa or Sister Mary Bronx’s bail.

Sister Mary Manhattan is designing a tarot deck.

Yup! You read it. You heard it.

IMAGINE!!! SMM WIZDUMB WHENEVER YOU NEED IT, WHEREVER YOU NEED IT—IN YOUR OWN HOME!!!

This could be a reality, but a Tarot deck takes a team to create—and this team needs money!

If you enjoy AstrologyExplained (and secret sources tell Sister Mary that many, many do) make a donation on the cute little DONATE button, upper right corner.

The goal is to raise 500 bucks to pay for artists, photographers, film, materials and beer for models.

While SMM is asking everyone to give what they can, even $1 helps. If all you critters dropped $1 on the site, SMM won’t have to nag you about this next week.

First person to donate $50 or more gets a personal ass-trology chart PLUS a Tarot consultation!!!

Sister Mary knows how broke you are—but you can find it in your wallet to leave $1.

Drop a dollar— on that cute little DONATE button in the upper right corner or face week after week of begging until each of you contribute. Sister Mary will not stop until $500 is reached.

Now, onto your favorite Air Sign!!!

AQUARIUS (January 20-February 19)

Yes, we’re nearing the end of this year’s Age of Aquarius—but that’s typical, right? Airy Aquarius showing up when it makes sense to them to do so, not when the rest of the world is counting on it? While the “Hey, man, chill…” attitude would make you want to choke anyone else who says it, Aquarians get away with it. They’re so damn likable, loving and enviable!

Aquarius is your friend that may or may not show up, but when they do walk in the door, you’re instantly at ease, and equally frustrated. How is it that they’re so easy-going? It’s a great mystery of the Universe, friends and lovers. Your Aquarius is the couch-hopping guitar player guy you tried not to fall for, and tried to hide from your mom because you knew she’d disapprove of the choice. Of course, she fell for him too, when he serenaded her at your family reunion—which he crashed. Your Aquarius is the girl who promised you life-long partnership, but never agreed to wear the ring, who shrugged and said sure when you showed up at her door in the middle of the night and asked her to run away to Mexico with you. She probably did the same thing once before with a different guy. Aquarians are passionate, but not clingy. Honest, but sometimes you wish they’d figure out the white lie trigger. They are loving and devoted friends and partners, but not doting nurturers.

Aquarius makes a better free-lancer than an office drone. They need lots of flexibility to get things done on their own time, but if you hire an Aquarius to do your proofreading, roofing or dogwalking, you’ll be highly satisfied with the results. They work hard and quickly, but won’t be tied to a schedule. They’re likely to make their money in a variety of ways, as doing one thing at any point in their lives comes out terribly boring in their mind. Most of them are attracted to the arts, but probably received surprisingly high grades in math and science back in the school days. Their minds are capable of mastering many things, even if they don’t always show fiery interest in anything in particular.

If you’re dating an Aquarius, you can expect a harmonious partnership. They don’t seek out drama and don’t need it to “feel the passion.” They can have the hardest time finding mates of any sign, but that seems to bother them less than it would a different sign. They’re often too distant for the average water sign, too passive for the average fire sign, too impractical for the average earth sign and often naturally drift away from their fellow air brethren. If you do find yourself involved with one of these critters, be sure let them have as long a leash as they need. Many (but not all) are polyamorous, so keep that in mind. Most are quite flirty and naturally attract other flirts. However, they will be respectful of your wishes and will either accommodate or leave, rather than lie or betray.

If you’re friends with an Aquarius, you may go a decade without hearing a squeak out of them, only to have them turn up in your inbox and keep chatting away as though they just saw you yesterday. They’re fun and lively and will have the best plans in mind to take your worries off your navel. They know the best bars. They’re involved in the best underground scenes. They’ll kidnap you for your own good and take you to the beach in the middle of the night and back without even needing the Trucker Meds.

Don’t hold it against them that they’re flighty. Darker Aquarians can come off as isolated and cold, selfish and uncaring. Those are very few and very far between. They can be competitive to the point of damaging and some have difficulty accepting responsibility when they fuck up. Again, if you come across an Aquarius exhibiting these traits, don’t get pissy and hate the whole specimen. Sister Mary would be happy to remind you that you have your own set of nasties. Go look and see what she wrote about your sign.

Meanwhile, a GINORMOUS (and belated) HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Sarabella, Shay, A.B. Levy, Bartender Eric, Texas Dan and Nicole! You are loved more than you possibly know!!!

Welcome to the week of February 17-23!!!! Someday, Sister Mary will return your stupid phone calls…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, the moon is in Cancer right now which means a lot of people are going to jump up and down on your last nerve. Most of the Universe is going to be navel-gazing and making a lot of stews before going to bed without cleaning up the kitchen. This too shall pass. Calm the fuck down. Plus, Aquarius is still hanging around, so we’re going to be even more distracted, which will make things worse for you at the office. There’s a warning here about miscommunication, so watch who you lecture—you might end up sleeping in the garage if you piss off the wrong spouse. Don’t worry. Pisces is moving in next week to confuse you in new ways.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The Cancer moon will work in your favor, Taurus, as people are finally attending to your emotional needs, which has been sorely lacking during the time of detached Aquarius. You’ve had a crazy couple of weeks. Money crisis (which gives you unreasonable hives). A master plan to resolve money crisis (only to discover the sperm bank is full—you weren’t the first to have that plan). But turning to that same brick wall (symbolic, darling, and you know of what Sister Mary speaks) to black yourself out for coveted numbness is going to give you yet another concussion, and your insurance company swore the last one was just that: the last one. Time for new tactics and new crutches. Don’t pretend you don’t know what Sister Mary is talking about. You’re a smart little mammal.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’ve still got Mars in your corner, so Sister Mary recommends getting your taxes done this week before it goes away and leaves you chasing that cute fanny of yours, again. Unfortunately, it looks as though you’ve gone and embraced that screwy Mr./Ms. Hyde part of you again. For whatever overblown best-reserved-for-reality-t.v. drama you’ve managed to slip into, you need to quit pretending it’s not your fault. It might not be all your fault (surely there’s a Sag somewhere to blame…) but you probably helped bury the bodies. When the zombies come out, you ought to get in and help save the village. Oh, please. Like you’re paying any attention. Just go do your taxes. Sister Mary sees a refund coming your way.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Crap. Cancer Moon done gone caught Sister Mary listening to Tori Amos again, while she contemplates her fellow crabby brethren. Quick question—what happened to our money this week? Did we spend it all on bootleg DVDs and fresh winter squashes to better hide in our cocoons and pretend the world is far away? This is a very bad idea, as it will only pile back on all the Christmas weight we managed to shed during our January Master Cleanses. Time for us to quit reflecting on the screw-ups of ‘07, ‘06, ‘05, and ’04 and embrace ’08 with open claws. We have potential for awesome new friends and lovers to come sweeping in with grace and flattery and we want to be looking good and be the fun crustaceans we know, deep down, we truly are.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Now, Leo, everyone in your home, workplace and blogging community is aware that you’ve gotten over the bodega clerk and have set your eyes on the new bartender at your local beer hole. It’s very, very important that you keep calm. You have a good chance at getting laid with this one. If you’re feeling insecure, better to stay home a night. If you’re feeling confident, better to avoid flashing your titties at the desired person. Of course you’re gorgeous, but you’d do better if you let this person approach you this time. Sister Mary will repeat herself, slower this time. You. Have. A. Chance. At. Nailing. This. Person. Control thyself and you’ll have more success.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Sister Mary isn’t going to mention Saturn this week. Except she just did. Damn. Well, you knew it was coming, right? We just won’t dwell on it. It’s been a rough couple of weeks, Virgo. No one is undermining that. Especially this past week, things got even yuckier, just when you thought they couldn’t be anymore so. The good news is that your tolerance for pain is increasing. That may sound morbid (it kind of is…) but you’ll have a better time weathering the suck this week. When you get frustrated, and you’re bound to get frustrated, practicing taking time away from everyone who annoys you. You have every right to avoid the bastards, sometimes.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Wow. You’re still rocking this Aquarius time, aren’t you? Somehow, somewhere, Libras figured out the trick to going with the flow. Your work-on-self week (two weeks ago, if you recall) has paid off in immense ways and you’re going to approach this week with the force of Joan of Arc and St. Brigid. (Look it up, if you’re missing something here.) However, crazy people will insist on bringing your easy time to a halt. Stupid crazy people. Do not embrace the crazy. SMM repeats. DO NOT EMBRACE THE CRAZY. You are unable to save anyone from themselves. Save yourself and the rest will follow.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ah, you Cassanova of the 69th degree. You won over every bitch and bastard your heart and genitals desired on the eve of Lupercalia. (St. Valentine’s Day, for the non-heathen brethren.) Now, they’ve all discovered how truly psycho you are and you’re left alone and sexless. Don’t get too down. Random chaotic events of the Universe are on their way to make things even more complicated and distract you from the woes of the heart. Sister Mary will leave it at that because she loves leaving you in suspense.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Your inner archer kicked some ass on the Valentine’s Day playing field. It looks more likely that Sag let go of someone obnoxious than embraced someone obnoxious. Or maybe they finally kicked an obnoxious habit that was annoying the crap out of someone they actually like a lot. Either way, Sag is entering this week feeling whole and fabulous. Find some Libras to kick it with, as they’re the only ones sharing the feeling. By the end of the week, Sag is going to come to terms with something or someone else they need to part with. The old beanbag chair of your Dad’s? The one that smells like cat? Yeah. Sister Mary is talking about that.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Still dealing with Venus in your sign, huh? Such a tricky planet. For the vast majority of Capricorns (and Sister Mary desperately hopes this doesn’t include you), Valentine’s Day kind of sucked. Capricorn has pissed and moaned about the collapse of Thursday’s expectations to the point that almost all of their LiveJournal buddies and ceased commentation. Capricorn, you’re really going to need to let that go. Sister Mary empathizes, but not really. She’s a Cancer and Cancers have had a rough go in matters of the heart—so go find a nice nun. Sister Mary wants you to get over it, buy a new outfit and hit the dancefloor no later than Wednesday. Dance your cares away. Worry’s for another day. Let the Fraggles play. (Remember? Remember???)

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
And, a final Happy Birthday to you gorgeous little bugger!!! The Universe is presenting you with one more gift for Birthday ’08 by sticking Mercury in your sign for the next few days. Wait. It’s in Retrograde. So, if that new I-Pod doesn’t work (as we may recall, Mercury in Retrograde ass-rams everything electronic), it’s not that Mom and Dad were cheap. The Gods are just bastards and always will be. At least people are trying to speak your language. They don’t know exactly what they’re saying to you, but they’re making something of an effort. Might want to avoid people this week. They’re not going to do anything but take what you say the wrong way.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Standing on the sidelines, watching all the knuckleheads fall on their own switchblades—Pisces, at some point you’re going to need to step in and remove the sharp objects from the (SYMBOLIC) sandbox. Yes, we know it always seems to fall on you to do just that, but the Universal order of Jobs of the Zodiac won’t be changing this week. Shake it up and get over it. You’ll be happier when everyone else is functioning normally and all the chaos is sufficiently put back together.