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Thank you to those of you who dropped a few bucks on that cute little DONATE button in the UPPER RIGHT CORNER. It’s still there, waiting for you! Sister Mary is asking for one measly dollar from each of you to fund the construction of a tarot deck. The goal is raise $500! At last count, we weren’t anywhere near that. So pull out your credit cards and leave one little dollar (or more if you can swing it) to support the nun who brings you everything you never wanted to know all about you…every friggin’ week!!!

Welcome to PISCES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ah, it’s that time of year when we start to get restless in the last few throngs of winter, but Pisces law indicates that what’s on the couch stays on the couch. None shall change until the pretty girls hit the streets in their bikini tops—or when the cops are coming up the stairs. Yes, we’ve got cabin fever, but the Pisces influence will keep us comfortably uncomfortable until the last of the snow melts. (Let’s be honest, though. Global warming brought us plenty of warm, sunny days—we can’t complain too, too much.)

Read on for more stellar Planetary Movements!!!

It’s the week of February 24-March 1!!!! Time to pay the rent again…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Game over, restart, back to the first place. OR—cross the threshold, unpack the bag, fumigate for roaches and settle in with a pizza and friends. However you want to do it, Aries is starting over this week. A detoxifying cleanse, a new relationship with someone who doesn’t remotely resemble the douche you just dumped, you finally quit sniffing paint—cool! Aries resists change until the last frigging second, but is quite good to let the past be (sort of) the past and ram their horns into a delicious future. Aries, you’re going to overhear something in the company bathroom that will work in your favor. Believe it or not, it won’t make you want to kill anyone. This is a growing time for you, and it looks like the growing could include cash. Don’t spend it.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Something kind of blew up at you last week, didn’t it? Sensitive little earth sign, something went and snarled at you for no proper cause. If this means a certain bitch or pussycat won’t be making its rounds near your place anymore, so mote it fucking be. You were doing fine without all the scratches and bites. If you think this is a situation where things can be worked out, limit yourself to leaving less than seven voicemails a day. Whoever is irked in your realm at the moment needs a little more space before they’re going to want to play with you again. Oh, stop wringing your hooves. It’s all going to work out fine and you’ll be onto new drama before you know it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Have you slept at all during the past few weeks? Probably not. Mars has paved a major freeway in the National Forest of your life and while it’s good for commerce, alleviates traffic, blah blah blah, your inner Spotted Owls are weeping, viciously. In plain terms, Gemini, this means you ought to go easy on yourself. Good things are happening for you, but how are you going to get to enjoy them if you double-tail spin into a nervous breakdown? The good thing about Mars, highway or no, is that it gets us started on new things that enhance our creativity, organize our homes and may even (GASP!!!) make us some money! It’s another time of new beginnings for you. Partner up with an Aries (if they’re still speaking to you), as they’re entering Blank Canvas time as well.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ooh, boy. Just when we thought we’d shed ourselves of our favorite mistakes, they show up again in all new colors, flavors and textures!!!! Weee!!! So much new material to bring to group therapy on Thursday. Cancer brethren, we should be praised for having moved on from every trauma that assaulted us (imagined or no) in the latter part of 2007. 2007 was a bad, crappy, no-good, horrendous year for most Cancers. Even those who had awesome things happen ran into a couple of bad nasties as well. The bad news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky is planning on testing us on our ability to release—by bringing back the situation we tried so desperately to leave behind. And it will leaving us crying into our pinot glasses. Hopefully, not for long. Call SMM if you need sympathy. She’ll be doing it, too.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, Leo, you’ve turned over a new leaf, you’ve got a fresh new outlook and a dynamite new hairdo—now let’s see if any of this lasts while you weather the winds of the assholes who descend come Tuesday. Leo, this is your test to see if you can handle daily b.s. on your own. Your friends and family won’t be extremely sympathetic this time, as you used up all your Cry and Snot on the Shoulder points in last week’s meltdown. But you’re strong enough to handle this. You know you are, deep down. Anyway, you don’t really have a choice, but the good news is that real drama will enter the scene by Thursday, and make you forget all about Tuesday’s woes. You’re better at handling real drama than imagined, anyway.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm….interesting. Looks as though the Universe is giving Virgo a teensy-weensy break from their time in Saturn: Planet of Suck. The Mercury and Venus in Aquarius hasn’t been all that friendly to Virgos. Mercury, planet of chit-chat and Venus, planet of Stupid Cupid, are both in the flighty, distracted, undefined sector of Aquarius which will INFURIATE the pragmatic, “EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK THAT MEANS” sign of Virgo. Oy. And, the good news is that the first part of your week will be so calm, you might even get depressed that you have nothing to flex your jaw about. It’s only going to get better. When stormy waters start circling your virginal (HA!) vessel, you’ll actually pull away from the drama this time and not freak out about it! See? These are the kinds of tools Saturn of Suck leaves us—after it shatters our minds, hearts and pocket books.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, buy more candles, incense and pretty-perfumey bath salts. It’s time for more self reflection. Libras have seen more Me Time in 2008 than in any of the last five years, or more. Generally signs that shrug off b.s. and avoid toxic people, they rarely find a need to sit down and commune within. But this moon in Libra, falling under the highly self-reflective sign of Pisces will find you deep in meditation. Stay in the bedroom or living room, avoid the woods because you’ll find more hypothermia than enlightenment. Avoid people this week, that’s your SMM advice. Many are running through cyclones and won’t be very sensitive, or fun.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, what kind of chaos magick were you up to—going and appearing in people’s dreams? What, you weren’t getting enough attention with sexy Pisces on the scene? Get over it, Scorpio. You’re not the only creature in the Universe that attracts the attention of genitals. Something has seriously crawled up your stinger this week, and of course, Scorpio, you’re not letting it go and you’re out plotting revenge. Remember the burns marks you’re still suffering from the last time you went after your ex’s new lover. Not to mention the restraining order and time in the pen. Repeating mistakes only leads to new trips to the Emergency Room and the staff is starting to recognize you. Give this thought some time, and you’ll be able to plot revenge in a new way even the Federal Psychic Division won’t be able to trace.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wow. All kinds of things popped out of the cauldron this week, Sag. Some sort of major breakthrough, some sort of wholeness and completion, some sort of stagnant growth, and some sort of depression. That’s a lot for a cute little archer like you! Sag, you’re starting out the week quite strong. Your brilliant new idea looks like it could be a reality. A sense of security will overwhelm you like pretty little hallucinated butterflies. But some evil bastard is going to pop out of the woodwork around Wednesday or so and shoot all of those little butterflies in the head. Go back and figure out why you needed to have your plan come into being so badly. Was it a malaria vaccine you plan to donate to Doctors Without Borders and save hundreds of thousands of lives? Or a phony malaria vaccine you plan to sell to the Bush Administration, so they can inject it into pubescent teens in Michigan in the name of freedom from terrorist mosquitoes—in February? Does this phony vaccine contain massive quantities of valium? Whose side are you on anyway, Sag? That’s your eternal question for the week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Great changes have taken place in the Universe and Capricorn, you’re the one who is going to make them happen. Jupiter, Planet of “Just Fucking Do It” and Pluto, Planet of “Fix it After We Just Fucking Do It” both landed in your sector within the last two months and plan on hanging out here for the next decade plus a few. Considering the debacle of the this country’s leadership, you’ll be taking the reigns not only in government, but at home as well. You’ve been watching your compatriots break things in the name of improving them and shatter things in the name of saving them and now it’s your time to get in there and say, “STOP IT, YOU STUPID MORONS!!!” Then, it will be time to clean up the mess. Good luck with it. Keep your flask handy and don’t say Sister Mary didn’t warn (and love!) you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You should be happy and sitting pretty. Mercury and Venus are still chilling in your oh-so-cool sector. They’re both confusing the hell out of all of us. Our lovers are shouting our bizarre things in the sack and we can’t keep track of them once they go back to their spouses—cell phones keep getting dropped in the toilets and Facebook comments keep popping up in obscene places. But for Aquarius, that’s simply another day in the life! This week is going to start off slow and sluggish—something as simple as a hangover or something as serious as a hangover. But you’ll feel better by Tuesday and will continue to enjoy this blessed time when everything people say to you makes sense for a bit. That will change shortly, but will bring important information before it goes away.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, really. It’s time to let go. Whatever rotten old habit or relationship you’re clinging to, the Universe is telling you that it’s very much time for you to get going. Hanging on might seem good for you, but is it benefiting the moldy stuffed monkey you still keep under your pillow? Wouldn’t it help the world if you let it go back to the great toy box in the sky? Of course not, you’re Pisces and contrary to popular belief, you’re worse than your Crabby friends at letting shit go. Frankly, Sister Mary warns, if you don’t let the old stuffed monkey go, your mom will fly up from Baltimore and dispose of it for you. She’s convinced the monkey is the reason she doesn’t have grandchildren.

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