Got my mojo workin', but it just won't work on you!!!

Oh, blessed sinners!!! So much love in the air, where doth it all begin???

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries don’t fall in love often, but when they do—it’s going to happen fast and it’s not going to fade easily. Although their relationships tend to be faster and more furious than the other signs, and often fall tremendously apart, they don’t lose the feeling. If an Aries has loved you at one time, it's can pretty much guarantee that they still so--but disguise it by throwing flaming darts at your photo. Dating an Aries? Take them dancing. Get them hot and ready on the floor, and then get their asses off that floor and into the cab. They’ll start the party there, and it’s only going to get better. A hot date with an Aries will start out public, but get real private, real fast—and last until 3:00 p.m. the next day. If you’ve pleased them, they’ll probably cook pasta for you at 4:00 a.m. in their underwear, just before they take you one last time on the kitchen floor. Aries--love is blossoming for you right now, but at that ungoddessly slow pace that makes you want to kill the object of your affections. Be patient with the person you're after. They might be a virgin or they might just be shy. Don't blow up yet and scare them off.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
These feisty little beasts are far more romantic than the typical horrorscope book would indicate. They tend to fuse into relationships, while still maintaining their own sense of identity. This fusion is caused by an extreme loyalty and dedication inherent in Taurus kids—and a determination to make everything work, even long after the relationship should have been declared D. O. A. Basically, if you’re poly, don’t date Taurus. They will HATE you. Some of you crazier fire signs would be good to remember that solid-seeming Taurus can get a little insecure, so make sure you remind them that they’re pretty damn fabulous at regular intervals. If you’re taking one on a date, they’re likely to tell you that they “don’t really need a present,” and “let’s keep it simple.” Buy them a present. Keep it quiet, intimate, but spend money on them. They will notice and they will appreciate it. Taurus, if you're experiencing giant icebergs at the bars or frozen screens on EHarmony, it's not your fault. The Universe is simply fucking with you. Crappy to tell you this, but it may not be the best time to go sniffing out Mr. or Ms. Right. You've probably got a Karmic baglog of things that need to be done before love can come in, so get it over with so Sister Mary can bring you a better love reading next time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Tried and true Gemini rule: The Bitches Ain’t Boring. You have got to keep surprising these people, don’t ever get into a rut with them. They’re going to keep surprising you, too—new interests, new friends, new massive road trips in stolen blue school buses. They don’t do well with insecurity, so (Cancers and Leos...) keep it in check. Gemini likes independence in themselves and their lovers and don’t plan on having to coddle. Protect, yes. Deep nurture—not so much. Taking out a Gemini for your Valentine’s Day? Go out, go out, go out. Or throw a big party. Get as many people around for them to talk to as possible. Even if it is the date-day of the year, bring home a couple of your friends and let them crash in the bed with the two of you. Sex or no, Gemini will be so happy that the party kept going even into sleepy time. In the morning, you can have a Mad-Hatter Tea Party with all the friends you brought home. Do a little—not too much—swooning infront of everyone. Gemini will like the attention, but don’t cling or smother them. They’re going to want to talk to everyone. Gemini, pay attention to the sweet little librarian nursing a scotch in the corner. Someone shy and awesome has got their eye on you, but you're too busy chasing the Aquarius with the fine rack. The quiet person may have something to teach you--and may surprise you with a Mr./Ms. Hyde owning a homemade set of dungeon equipment. Basically, someone likes you and isn't making it known. Find out for yourself.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
You haven’t dated a Cancer? What the hell is wrong with you? We’re the best. Yes, we’re clingy, insecure, over-bearing, smothering, blah, blah, blah…every sign has its problems--but not every sign can cook. When you’re loved by a Cancer, you know it. We’re gonna take care of you better than everyone else because we’re quietly paying attention to your wants, and giving you what you need just when you need it—before you even realize that’s what you’re wanting. We take a lot of shit, but when we’re done. We’re done. And we’re not going to give you a lot of warning. “FUCK you, it’s over. So mote it be.” And if we say that, don’t waste your time and don’t piss us off by thinking you’ve got another chance. If you’re dating a Cancer, don’t take us anywhere if you really want it to be special. Cook for us. Massage our feet in front of the radiator. Throw your cell phone out the window if it rings. Denotes chivalry. Now, fellow Cancers: Most of us are feeling a bit of a lull during this time of chocolate and tin foil hearts. Time to retreat to the bedroom for some tear-stained poetry and Anne Rice. It's okay, crabby babies. Our time will thaw and we'll get to heal all those nuts currently damaging themselves on the battlefield of love. That means lots of rebound sex!!! Yay!!!!

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leos like to love. They like to cuddle. They like to say, “Baby, it’s going to be okay,” whether it’s true or not. They remember things about you, but they don’t necessarily like to have you do all those same things for them. They annoy the hell out of us sometimes, because you can’t coddle them—or if you do, you have to sneak up on them in one of their weak, insecure moments and pretend you’re just clipping their toenails, while you’re actually wiping their tears. They pretend to be all big and bad, but they don’t fool anyone. Don’t know why you Kitty-Cats try so hard. If you’re dating a Leo man, let him plan the evening. It could be one of those situations where you have to trick him into thinking it was all his idea. As for Leo women, you’re going to have to pretend the plans were already made and can’t be changed, otherwise she’s going to find a way to maneuver things the way she thinks they should be. And then she won’t be as happy with it. Buy them things, even though they’ll wrinkle their noses--preferring to be providers than recipients. But secretly, they’ll be quite pleased. Leo, unfortunately, your love forecast indicates a separation or a shift. If the relationship is in need of CPR, let's call it a DNR and call it a day. If there is a good solid chance in hell it could be saved, it's going to have to change. You and the person you're crazy about are going to have to break your favorite habits in order to continue to tolerate one another. True story, end of statement.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
A lot of discussion will be involved in your relationships with Virgos. Also, a lot of Scrabble. They’re quite romantic in their own way—you can tell when they’ve genuinely been thinking about you, but if you’re the type to need outlandish forms of romantic expression, move to Scorpio. Virgos are subtle, but sincere. They make good mates, if you don’t set external expectations on them. Taking a Virgo out for Valentine’s Day? I suggest a documentary film, a reading or play where they can sit and analyze for awhile, and let them analyze out loud for awhile at the bar or coffee shop later. You don’t have to shower them with lovey-dovey words, they’ll find serious listening quite romantic. Gifts? Think gadgets or games. But be prepared that you’ll lose your Virgo to the really cool toy you just gave them for like, two days. And although they can be introverted, they make surprisingly wild lovers—if you find the right seams to rip. Gemini, this could be the naughty librarian we discussed above! Virgo, you're going to make this one work if it kills you, aren't you? The Flying Monkeys applaud your choice of action, but keep in mind that there's a fifty-fifty chance it still isn't going to work, even with your best and best-calculated actions behind it. Remember that you are in the time of Saturn of Suck, and the Universe will continue to throw flaming shit-balls at your every turn. Don't take this to mean you shouldn't try. Go for it. Sister Mary wants you to. But understand that not everything works as you think it should--just because you think it should.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
“Buy me presents. I want presents.”That’s a direct Libra quote, by the way. These kittens are the biggest fusers in the whole zodiac. If you get hooked up with one, you’ve got a MATE. They are going to bring their all to your relationship and they’re going to find a way, damnit, to make it work. They will watch you, listen to you, know you, and smack you on the head if you fuck around. They give a lot of attention, but they need a lot of attention as well. Just like Taurus, they are also more sensitive than they let on, so when you feel the need to call them on their shit—try and be gentle about it, okay? They are forgiving creatures, though. They like sex, but more than they like sex, they like to be desired. Now. For the important thing. If you want to date a Libra, you’re going to need to get outlandish and ridiculous. I’m talking a dozen roses. And a horse-drawn carriage. And a sunset walk on the beach where you read the corny poem you wrote. Pictures, pictures, pictures. Making them presents is a good way to go, but you need to SHOW YOUR LOVE IN A WAY THAT LIBRA CAN SHOW TO EVERYONE. Libra, you may need to team up with a Taurus for beer, nachos and commiseration later as you too are going to run into your own problems with V-Day. Dropped calls, missed trains, bad traffic or catching your sweetie sucking the toes of a Sagittarius...if something goes wrong on your favorite holiday, don't take it personally. It's the Great Bastard above doing what the Great Bastard does so well--fuck it up.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
These slimy bastards will sweep you off your silly feet in three words or less. They are sexy, they are romantic. They are the type that climb up the fire escape? and sneak into your bed—not for sex, just to hold you. Well, maybe for sex, too. But they’re actually more insecure than your average Cancer. Do you find them attractive? Do you find them attractive enough? Who else do you find attractive? Would you ever want to date your ex again? These are very serious questions in the mind of a Scorpio. Now, we all know Scorpios have a teensy-weensy-itsy-bitsy problem with keeping their dicks and choochies to themselves. However, if their partner ever strayed on them—they’d probably find a way to make it look like not a big deal, but secretly plot the death of the extra lover and cheater. They’re naughty that way. They like keeping tabs on their former lovers (Don’t lie. That’s why you read my blog.), and are quite obsessed with knowing what their former lovers are saying about them. I say almost nothing about my former Scorpios….just to annoy them. If you’re wanting to date a Scorpio, male or female, let them take the lead. Scorpios don’t plan their dates, nor are the super-spontaneous with them. A date with a Scorpio just kind of “evolves.” I don’t know how to better explain that. You go over to a Scorpio’s house to borrow a cup of sugar, and six hours later, you find yourself sitting on the bank of a creek in the next state over, sucking that sugar from their thumb and watching the ripples on the water. It looks as though Scorpio is the winner in this Valentine's Day horrorscope saga! Scorpio, whomever you've been stalking throughout the winter is about to turn around and stalk you back. Won't that be fun? Keep an eye out for still-attached marital partners or broken-hearted formers. Meanwhile, you'll have great sex and lots of adventure. Shut up. We all resent you.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not every Sag enjoys verbal abuse or the sight of their somewhat-significant-other slamming his/her purse against the side of the movie theater, but they do like that kind of “excitement,” or “passion” or “psychosis.” If you want a Sag to be your Valentine that year, you may have to trick him or her (ask a Scorpio for advice). Not, “What are you doing for Valentine’s Day?” but “Wanna hang out and do something on Thursday?” They'll show up at my apartment with a copy of Spinal Tap and a two pound Hershey bar and will say something like, “Hey, did you know it's Valentine's Day?” See? If you want to date a Sag, you have to pretend that it’s not a date. They’re not stupid, they’ll know it’s a date, but they won’t freak out if you let them pretend that you’re just pretending to go on a date. Competitive stuff: darts, pool, poker, those are good things to do with a Sag—keep them busy or they’ll get into your medicine cabinet. You might want to let them win, though, especially if they’re not good at the game. Careful with the flowers and the foofy stuff. Typical Sag will prefer a bottle of bourbon. Sag, you're in danger of coming on too strong during the holiday. If it doesn't go as planned, don't get too down because you're still sexier than the person they do end up going home with. Best course of action is to be gentle and approach slowly. Most of the Zodiac is walking around with wounded hearts this time of year and will need time before submitting to your cat o' nine.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn: that’s an investment right there. The kids have expensive taste, and they don’t come outright and just tell you what they want you to do for them. Gift-wise, emotion-wise, any of it. Capricorns truly believe that somewhere in your mind is a tattoo-ed list of all of their wants and needs, and if you don’t cater to them, they’re angry. Ever seen a goat get angry? They kick a lot of things--that sounds about right for your Capricorn. On the upside, they will provide for you and support you—provided you provide and support them, too. They’ve got your wants and needs down, too, but don’t forget the reciprocation. They don’t always thank you outright, but they genuinely appreciate you. (We think.) Yeah, if you’re taking a Capricorn out this Valentine’s Day, might wanna take out a loan, too. Of course, the investment is worth it. Go for quality, not quantity. Such as A diamond instead of a DOZEN roses. Capricorn, maybe you're the one Scorpio is going to capture this month! Looks as though Capricorn is going to weather a dramatic revelation about their love life--but that's a good thing! They either realize their platonic best friend is indeed their love of their life, soul mate, karmic brethren, or they WON'T and they'll MOVE ON from the co-worker who still won't return their calls! Capricorn, whether or not you have a Prince or Princess Charming waiting on your stoop on Hallmark's Holiday, you'll march through the next few weeks with a smile on your face. It's a good time for you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
They’re fun, oh yes, they’re a friggin’ blast and a half. But you’re going to want to stand still when you’re trying to date these cats. Don't chase 'em, don't cage 'em. They’re less likely to have the “Do we want to move in together?” discussion, and more likely to come over to your house one day and never go home. Many Aquarians have married before, but Sister Mary can’t think of any right now. They’re more likely to shack up for the long-term. Again, lots of fun, but if you need consistent I-love-you-and-will-never-leave-you-ever-ever-ever, Aquarius may not be your match. You’ll have one of your insecure, weepy moments and your Aquarius will look at you with a crinkled brow, and then go climb up on the roof to watch the fireworks. There may not even be fireworks that night—but that’s never really mattered to Aquarius. It’s not to say they’ll never be attentive to your emotional baggage, but they might leave it in the overhead compartment a little longer than the other signs. I highly suggest taking your Aquarius Valentine to an amusement park (if it’s not too cold) or some other place where they can run around for a couple of hours. Parks are good, too. Just open the car door slightly and watch them go, go, go. It’s February, so they’ll want that heated car again soon. Aquarius, you too are slowly blossoming into a love affair. Might be a good idea to slow down and take stock of that person who is so wild about you, and don't go skipping off into the meadow too soon, alone.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
These kids are hot because they tuuuuuunnnnnnnneeeee into you. Running into a new Pisces, you’re bound to feel as though you’ve met them somewhere before. The hard part with your fishy friends is that they're often up to something. Usually, it's for the good of humanity. Sometimes, they're psychically wishing your death. They're not always apt to tell you what's bothering them--and they don't always want to. They're not going to ask you to talk about your feelings, because they already know what they are. Like fish, they only survive under specific conditions, so monitor the stress, temperature and acidity of your apartment on a regular basis. You can try to plan a date with your Pisces, but they're going to manuever it whatever way they want it to go. They tend to construct their own moral universe, so be prepared to have to relearn their rules every couple of days. Don't forget to make them learn your rules as well. Pisces has been going through immense change over the past year which they hate, and sorry to say, Pisces, this isn't going to change in your love life, either. Something old must be let go, something new must be brought it. If it's going to be a successful change (i.e., one that won't require a Prozac/bourbon cocktail), you're going to have to grit your teeth and embrace it. No exceptions.