Happy Birthday, Pisces!!!

Ah, the little fishy friends of the Universe. It’s time for you to shine! I had this great idea this morning for this week’s blog: Since we’re moving over into the realm of Pisces, I should start out by talking about them a little more indepth, right? Okay, so I didn’t do if for Capricorn or Aquarius. Capricorn won’t mind, they’re still too irritated with me for something else I did—but won’t tell me, waiting me to figure it out for myself—and Aquarius has already forgotten that they had a birthday last month. Wait a year, kids! I’ll be so famous you won’t know what to do with me by then, and I’ll talk ALL ABOUT YOU AGAIN!!!

Pisces: water sign, ruled by the Planet Neptune, planet which is named after the Ocean god. (check.). They are symbolized by water-loving mammals and fish, usually marked by two fishes looking in opposite directions. Green flowers are good for them. Your Pisces friends are likely to be a little more on the quiet side, but definitely not wallflowers. They’re quietly drawing attention from those around them with witty chatter, usually sprinkled with a little self-deprecation. You’ll probably find that they’re spending more time listening to the crazy things you say than trying to impress you with their own crazy adventures. Don’t get too caught up in talking about yourself to a Pisces. Get them to tell their stories. Pisces are subject to crazy adventures, and usually have a delightfully checkered past you’re going to DIE when you hear about them. So shut up and listen, baby faces. Fish talk is good talk.

Our fish friends can go one of two ways, and often take each of these paths at some point in their lives:

They are healers and creators, often becoming writers and/or musicians. If you end up with a Pisces kid, piano lessons will not be a waste of time and money. Pisces are funny because they don’t become openly ecstatic about their passions—you’ll find the paint on their masterpiece leaking out under their bedroom door before they tell you they bought brushes. As lovers, they tend to love only person at a time. Even if they want to run around and do the nasty with others, (which is behavior not unknown to Pisces) if you’ve got their heart, you can be pretty sure that you have all of it and no one else does, either. They are pretty f*cking fabulous in the sack, as I’ve mentioned. They can be wild and nutzoid, they can be mild and gentle—the point is that they read your body and play what you know you want, without you even having to say it. Nail a Pisces, kids. Seriously.

On the downside (sorry, babies….) Pisces have spiraling times when they may disappear from the person you knew. Prone to addiction, prone to self-inflicted failure and depression, you’ve got to watch them if/when they get like this. There isn’t a whole lot you can do for a Pisces on a downswing, except remove all the sharp objects from the apartment. They can’t be coddled, they can’t be fixed. Just lock them up in their little padded rooms and play some soothing music under the door. They’ll come out eventually and be okay. Pisces do have mean streaks—the healthy ones in the pond keep it in check. Sometimes, they will shut out the world—particularly those they love the most. Don’t take it too terribly personally. I’m not going to say they don’t mean the things they say—they do—just be glad someone is finally being honest with you. And call your Cancer friends to take you out for a drink to make you feel better about yourself. We’re nice like that.

I once had an aquarium and the fish always died. That’s because I could never keep the temperature, acidic/alkaline balance in check. Now, I’ve never killed any fish people, but if you keep close relations with a Pisces, you need to know that they are extremely sensitive to their environments and like aquarium fish, it’s important to keep a balance of not too much stress (inevitable nervous breakdowns) and not too much chill (extreme laziness will take over them). They get colds easily when the weather changes and they don’t take care of themselves very well. You have to give them their vitamins because they forget.

As a whole, because who really wants to end an essay with depressing stuff, your Pisces friend/lover/co-worker is a good one to have in your court. Honest, deep, romantic, imaginative, spiritual, great in bed…..yeah. We love Pisces.

So, to all the Pisces in my life: Patrick, James, Stephanie, Raven, Nadine, Sarah, Teresa and Sue Ball: Happy Fucking Birthday You Watery-Unknowable-Surprising-Loving-Infuriating-Delightful Fiends!!!! I adore you!!!!!

(If I missed you, it’s not because I don’t love you. It’s because I forgot you were a Pisces.)

Xoxo.

It’s the week of February 25-March 3! And we are sooooooo close to being out of Retrograde…..

Aries (March 21-April 19)
“You know when a guy is comfortable enough to take a dump in your bathroom, he’s your boyfriend. He stunk it up? That’s a boyfriend right there.”
Why do I feel like telling you that someone owes you money? Maybe I should say that to all the signs. I hope it’s the IRS—and it’s not me. Aries friends, do I owe you cash (unless you’re Isabell, I KNOW I still owe you for something…..)? Okay, looks as though the Rams finally did something good this week. Maybe someone really does owe you money, and is beginning to pay you back. Yes? I’m crazy? So, something is working for you, yet you’re still shutting down and not talking to people. Why do you do that? You know you can’t keep your emotions inside for long without breaking a blood vessel. You’ve seen a bit of success in your project or relationship—so don’t get pissy that you’re not seeing ALL the success you want to. Try talking to the person(s) involved and calmly, gently figure out a way to push along the process. Call the tax-man and ask him questions—don’t drive your Subaru through his living room.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“I ripped him so many new assholes, he’s going to find fifty new ways to shit tomorrow…”
(I love my sister.)
Good for you, Taurus. You left the B.S. behind. Taurus people should be more of a Cancerian’s role model because while they do get intricately involved in the B.S., they blow through it and out of there before it tears them up too badly. The bull in the china shop thing? Yeah, don’t lock Taurus people up with breakable things and then piss them off. Taurus, I do have some news for you. Whatever B.S. you left behind is about to start chasing you and will cut you off at the corner. DO. NOT. FREAK. OUT. I command our Tauruses this week to give the B.S. one more chance to explain itself. YOU listen, YOU don’t talk. If it’s still B.S., go ahead and run your horns up their ass again. If not, you may have some growth here and a new path awaits you. (Dear god. I really just said that last part, didn’t I? Freaky bitch, I am.) I mean it, when it comes up. swallow that ego for thirty seconds and then make your move.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“You’re making me reconsider my Agnosticism”
Uh-oh. Dark days for the Twins ahead. Sorry. I didn’t create it, I’m just saying. Not sure what happened here—whether your boiler blew up or your condom broke, but something is going down in the Gemini realm. Your general impulse is to go fix the problem yourself—even though you’re aware that you usually make it worse when you don't accept help—but this time I see that it’s better that you actually fix it yourself. Here’s the clincher: don’t talk to other people about this issue. Really, you wouldn’t listen to them anyway, so keep the chatter to a minimum and go get the morning-after pill. Be careful not to go beyond what you know you can do alone. Slipped disks and busted knees will eventually require more help from others, so try really, really hard to find the voice of intuition (Yep! It’s in there with all the others rolling around in your heads…) and get help when you need it. TAKE help when you need it, instead of just airing more of your crazy thoughts to everyone around you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I didn’t know that wearing a hat and carrying a guitar means I’m a lesbian.”
Fuck. Why won’t the universe leave us alone? 2007 has so far been the biggest pain in the ass for the majority of the crabby babies. Somewhere in there, we’ve been listening to too many people’s opinions and not trusting our own. Did you know that we give ourselves the best advice we could possible give ourselves? We need to take it, because this week will include some sort of separation and we desperately need to quell our clingy instincts. If we follow whatever is leaving us, we’re only going to make it worse. Submit and be like Buddha—give not a shit. Yes, I realize this is a disrespectfully shallow vision of Buddhism, but if you gave your own readings and saw what I see, you’d be worse and you know it. Cancerian sisters and bros: What we do not chase will inevitably return to us (whether that’s good or not.) That’s all our reading says this week, but it still doesn’t explain why I haven’t been able to stop listening to musicals…..

Leo (July 23-August 22)
“I think it’s awesome that this show gets shittier every time.”
Congratulations! You’ve achieved mild to moderate success on something this week. Now, be a good little lion and growl if anyone comes near it. Someone near you is bound to spill the beans or spill their coffee on your precious achievement. If this is in regards to a relationship matter, get a little more protective over your person—but not TOO much or you’re bound to undo what you fixed. However, you’re not done yet so don’t get lazy. Or impatient. The process of completion takes a long, long time—especially if it’s supposed to come together correctly. Remember the Elmer’s glue days, when you pasted construction paper together? (This was a while ago, like two weeks or something…) You worked really, really hard on your cut and paste project, but you can’t play with it until the glue dries. So leave it alone and go watch a movie. You’ll get to the next step in due time. And keep your moron friends away/out of it.

Virgo (August 23-Sept. 22)
"wow. The IRS is going to get pretty confused when you submit dozens of returns."
Are you being a cranky-pants? Why? I don’t care why, it’s no excuse for being a crank-pants asshole. Watch how you deal with others this week. You’ve had some kind of crazy revelation or realization and you being the one who finds it difficult to explain your brain to others is going to be kind of freaked out by everything this week. No, they don’t see what you’re seeing and that’s not going to change. No, they won’t get your point of view. Go create a spreadsheet or something and bond with your computer. You’re more likely to get empathy from a machine than a human being this week. That doesn’t mean we don’t love you! It just means that none of us will understand you—at all—this week. So be nice. We can’t help that.

Libra (Sept. 23-Aug. 22)
"I just want to scream at the f***ing TV: Respect the dead!!!"
Whoa, whoa, WHOA, YOU NUT!!! Oh my god you need to give your partner some mother-f*cking SPACE. This does not mean you float away into planet Nano. Breathing room is healthy. If you’re single, we know you’re trying your damnest NOT to be single because Libras don’t like the single thing. Take a break from sleeping in your beloved’s rhododendron bush. Maybe go annoy the best friend you’ve been ignoring while perusing said lover. They missed you. And when you do that, your beloved will miss you, too! And that will lead to growth. Think about this one, although I somehow suspect my advice will be ignored and we’ll be reviewing your court case next week. That’s okay. Looks as though we’re only going to end up with one or two signs in the pen this week.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)
"There are complaints choirs in other cities, too."
You also need to watch your natural inclination to fold into your partnerships. Romantic, platonic, business or BDSM—I’m sensing that you are smothering someone. Give it some room to breathe or the person might suffocate and if they call me on the witness stand in your murder trial, I’m going to tell them you did it on purpose. On another front, (because your life will always be fraught with drama) some other people are using you, but as YOUR usual, you know this and are manipulating those who think they are manipulating you. Is this really the right thing to do? I’m not here to preach to you, but I am here to tell you to quiet your natural impulses for a second and think about what constitutes right action. Because you may end up trying to trick someone who’s really smart and they’ll screw you over. Don’t forget: Mercury is in Retrograde and all plans are subject to fucking.

Sag (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)
"Okay, I would personally like to burn your horoscope into tiny ashes and scatter them to the 4 winds of the world."
Wow! Someone whose reading doesn’t completely suck! There’s one in every week. That’s why I’m keeping your reading short because everyone is already jealous. You’re going to make some kind of money or reap some kind of monetary reward. Good Sag! You deserve it. Now, buy me dinner because I deserve it, too. Additional opportunity is coming your way, but the rewards from that one are going to take awhile. I strongly encourage you to take me to dinner, but then you need to be careful with the rest of your money for awhile. You’re not going to see that next check for a few more readings, but I’m lots of fun and have a healthy appetite now.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)
“I’m a gay man in a woman’s body. I love musical theater. I have style. I have sex with men.”
Uh-oh. You’re sad and/or pissed. This has something to do with cash. If Sag took it, forget about getting it back right now because they’re taking me to dinner. You need to be nice right now. Yes, the person who pissed you off was probably wrong (because Capricorns are never, ever wrong after all…), but you need to be very careful how you handle this situation if you place any sort of value on the relationship. You are more likely to sustain a break-up or a friend-firing than a simple clearing of the air. If this is your intention, by all means go for it, because it’s not going to get any easier when the full moon hits this weekend. If it’s Jen-Best-Friend from the glory days of crayons and diapers, you’re going to need to dust off that Pixie stick and do some blowing of the fairy dust up the ass. Just until the weekend, and then you can get the problems solved. Measure for measure. (Don’t know why I just put that in.)

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)
“I’m like my grandmother when it comes to using MySpace.”
You poor little thing. You had such a bumpy couple of weeks. The good news is that the bad times disappear this week. You’ll be back to your old self and want to wander the globe, but this is a bad idea because the lives of everyone you care about are about to fray. When they call you and say their apartment is flooded, your response should not be, “Oh. Hey, wanna go to the movies?” It should be, “Oh. Hey, need a place to stay?” Do you know what will happen? Your friend will cook for you! I hope this isn’t me, because I don’t want my apartment flooded (I’ll cook for you anyway). Seriously. Stay put. Don’t go on any long trips. And you need to meditate. You haven’t done that in awhile and it’s bound to catch up to you.

Pisces (Feb. 20-March 20)
"You're cool and unusual BECAUSE you wear a helmet and ride the short bus."
What a good little fishy! You spent the week clearing your obstructions, just like you were supposed to! Gold star. However, you’re still dealing with crap and that sucks but eventually, that will change. And I know, it’s depressing you because Pisces aren’t as fond of their birthdays as say, Taurus and Capricorn. You’re not getting older, you’re getting sexier. I promise. No really, I promise. Mantra for the week: Pain brings us strength. You’re going to have to deal with it and push through it. Hasty action will make things worse. So will cutting off the limb that’s bothering you. Wait it out and get physical therapy if you need to. It will go away. Now, if your DOCTOR (and only your doctor) is telling you that you need surgery, don’t wait on that. You guys are really, really bad about seeking medical treatment for your ailments.