Sweet like Lemon Meringue.

Well, this week was supposed to be a dedication to Taurus. I’m going to ask for all of their impatient forgiveness, as I started the Master Cleanse fast yesterday, and am still adjusting to a diet solely of lemon, maple syrup and wishful thinking. There is no caffeine in my system. It’s with great luck that I’m even up and typing. However, there is too little brain power to write a justified description of our loyal and stubborn friend: Taurus the Bull. ‘Till next week, my darlings!!!

Even more ludicrous answers to your chronic soul searching: for the week of April 23-29!

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Your parties are over, you’ve blown out all the candles, you’ve honed new “birthday resolutions” which you’ll diligently work upon for at least a month or so before you forget. This shows quite a bit more dedication than most of the zodiac. Let’s take a look at your coming week, shall we? You’ve taken on too many jobs again, friend. And as per usual, they involve cleaning up the messes your crazy friends, most likely Water Sign friends, have gotten you into. You know you want to say it. These people are incompetent, lazy and enjoy painful, repetitive behavior and this just pisses the hell out of you. But you’re not saying anything because you know they’re just going to ignore you. Again. Watch that. Stay out of it. Standing there and watching morons around you screw up will only cause nasty burns to your inner ears from the steam. Then, these people will come around all happy and playful again, wanting to have a good time and will be completely taken off guard when you throw your beer in their face. This may be a time to face the morons you love so and say, “You must face this on your own.” And walk away before you erupt.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Well, you’ve made your peace with the bad nasty whoever bothering you so. That’s good! Now, you’re wondering what in the world to do with all this excess furor and rage, coursing through your veins like confused electricity. Wow. That was an understatement. Really, though. Again, Taurus feels as though something more could have been said that wasn’t. Sorry to tell you this, but you did miss your chance. Bringing it up now is only going to cause more confusion. My advice, and I’ll never give this particular piece of advice again, is for you to get involved in someone else’s problems. You will have a friend—or several—this week, sinking into their self-created quicksand, and will need you to help. Call Aries. They’ll know who it is. While you need to be careful not to get sucked in yourself, this will be a fantastic way for you to divert some rage and gain some satisfaction by helping a friend. If this drama involves work, DEFINITELY throw yourself into the battle. You’ll end up with money. And then you can go buy something swank to wear and flaunt in front of the person who made you so angry but didn’t let you finish telling them so.

Gemini(May 21-June 20)
Good God. Quick public service announcement to the rest of the Zodiac: none of us will receive anything productive from Gemini this week. That’s right. They will not be creating, working or cleaning. They’re obsessed with getting laid and we won’t see them again until this latest fling blows over. Wow! The twins are getting some badly needed action! Really, none of us will be seeing much of Gemini for the next seven days. Their hard-earned cash will get sucked up by ordering pizza and Chinese delivery—they have NO desire to leave their bed….I guess this Gemini reading is going to be on the short side. They’re not even getting up to read it. They’ll come check next week when this current situation has provided its fill (and fill and fill). Actually, I’m selling our twins a little short this week. More than just sex, Gemini is reflecting on the nature of love, relationships, injustice, global warming—the whole bit. And maybe sex too. Frankly, I hope they all get both.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Was it just me, or was this week a little more than a moody Cancer is wont to handle? I hid in my shell for a whole glorious weekend just to process all the shit that went down!!! The early part of the week will provide more much needed brooding time, with a swift kick to the creative/sexual ass come mid-week! Whew. I’m already tired of moping. We Cancers do enjoy making a dynamic return to the scene! Strong cautionary warning to all Crabs: don’t rehash. If you absolutely feel the need to rehash, write poetry or something and go to an open mic where everyone is too drunk to even notice. (Don’t get offended if no one pays attention.) Everyone else has moved on from the issue, there will be no good served if we suddenly decide to have a fabulous, public melt-down on the subject. People will think we’re nuts and won’t invite us over for fondue anymore. God. Fondue. And eight days left on this goddamn fast.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Damn, girl! You’re looking awesome this week! Yes, I’m splitting the genders on this reading. The Leo women of the world are going to be riding Cloud Fucking Nine. No, not for anything in particular. The Leonine Ladies are simply going to feel good and wanting to show off. Lucky for us, we’ll get to see it! Now, the Leo men are taking a back seat—prowling in the back row, if you will. Not sure why, except the natural Leo paranoia may be affecting this a little more than usual. That’s not such a bad thing. While they’re lurking at the corner of the bar, or smoking their cigarettes in the alleys, or sitting in a strange car across the street from their spurning lover’s apartment (I highly encourage you not to do the latter. It’s creepy), they’re also formulating plans for world-domination. Triumphant, proud and sexy—yeah. A Leo would make a great world leader. I think the Leos are all in this together. The lady Leos distracting us with over-zealous sex appeal, while the males stalk the demise of the current world order. No, not so bad. Employers of Leos: expect them to take a few sick days this week. They’re lying, but let them have them.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Virgos are hard at work this week while the rest of us are having nervous breakdowns and plotting the overthrow of the government. Thank god. Someone has to keep the lights on. Many a luscious adventure has tried to squeeze its seductive way into your realm, but you’re shutting it out to focus on your drafting board. Not a bad idea, I must say. However, I must also say that this cocoon you’ve created is short lived. Panic and confusion will inevitably break through your studio wall. Cover your work with a splash guard now. Watch your anger, particularly where you direct it. You can’t do much to plan for the upcoming events, except plan to listen. You are going to end up in strange situations, odd conversations with highly unusual individuals to whom you might not have given subway directions in the past--might just be the bearers of unconventional wisdom. This is the start of big changes, friend. Don’t fight them. None of them are going to kill you, and so I say enjoy the ride and analyze later!

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yeah. More than a Murphy’s Law, it’s the law of the Friggin’ Universe! Once you’ve got things going well in one direction, you’re going to get a fender bender from the other. Usually the rear. Knowing Libra, you’re going to stand around shrieking: BUT I HAD EVERYTHING RIGHT WHERE I WANTED IT!!! Sweetheart, nothing lasts. The good news is that even the bad times are temporary. I’m seeing here that Libra is going to find comfort in reaching out to brothers, fathers, male friends, male lovers. Yes! You, Libra, who is constantly in want of increased sensitivity will find it this week in men men men!!! Try to find the comfort in even a swift pat on the back. Love and comfort comes in many forms, so try to break out of the champagne and roses deal. Try a shot of Jameson. It’s quite therapeutic. Also, don’t take this short streak of bad luck as evidence that you’re doomed for all time. I mean, you could be doomed for all time—who knows? But the nasty events of this week don’t secure that, and frankly, I don’t think things are as bad as you think they are. So lighten up!

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
It is my pleasure to report that this coming week will mark the beginning of the end of the financial troubles which have plagued our scorpion friends so these past few weeks! They’ve been waiting tables and gloomily looking toward a bleak future of doing just that, when quite by magic—their crumpled screenplay falls out of their apron and into the lap of a famous director who just happened to be passing through town and stopping in for a cup of diner coffee. No, the work wasn’t that good—but it got the director’s attention, and being the sexy beasts they are, now have a director-sugar daddy/mama out of the deal and now are flying to Tahiti on a private plane which is why they haven’t returned my phone calls. That’s okay. I’m not upset. Scorpio, don’t just savor this break in the mundane, use it to kick some ass in the future. This is the start of new connections and journeys. It in itself won’t give you all the power and prestige you crave, but it’s certainly the beginning of something more. Share.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Don’t give up, don’t hide. Sag, as fiery as you are, you do occasionally become overwhelmed by mean people and let them overwhelm you. You’re hot and fabulous and your grab-life-by-the-ass mentality is nerve-wrecking to those locked up signs of the Zodiac. Be sensitive to them, they don’t know what losers they really are, but don’t give up your free-wheeling ways. Tell someone to go suck it, when that’s really what they ought to be doing. They’ll grumble a little more, but they probably like being told what to do more than you realize. And, hard to believe, it will make you even MORE sexy and desirable to others! And that makes your loyal Cancer proud. This next week has unlimited possibilities for fun, fame and fortune. Don’t let little trolls drag you down under the bridge. Unless that’s something you’re into, of course. ;)

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Now, most of the Universe is aware that Capricorn had a very trying week. That’s because Capricorn doesn’t let anyone forget that they’re in a trying time. Two important things to remember: this is not the week to settle a score, nor is it a week to forgive an old grudge. Wait. Two more things: you’re still going to be required to hold together everyone else. Yep. We’re still choking on our own fears and mistakes, so you’ve got to be at our bedsides with Tylenol PM, tissues and soothing, sweet nothings. In the midst of all of this hoopla, you’re going to be crossing your fingers and praying to whatever god you even half-believe in for Prince/cess Charming to finally show up this week. Christ. Taking him or her long enough, isn’t it? Gotta keep waiting. Even if the most amazing person walked in to sweep you away on a ivory-bridled donkey, you wouldn’t notice because you’re too busy saving the tiny worlds of those around you. Don’t worry. These things come full circle.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Why is everyone being so hard on Aquarius this week? Come on, you guys. Leave them alone. Sometimes the world gets hard on Water-Bearer because, like Sag, you kids are so naturally happy, it makes us all want you to die. That doesn’t mean we actually want you to die, but the Zodiac this week is not only going to acid-rain on your parade, we’re going to hail, snow, sleet, thunder-bolt and acid rain on every parade you throw this week. Don’t lend anyone money, you’re not going to see it again. Don’t listen to critique on your water-colors this week, all suggestions will be poisoned by jealousy and angst. Keep smiling, even when everyone at your dinner party is bitching in the corners. It’s going to be a time where you feel that no one understands a word you are saying. No, we do understand, but we’re too busy wallowing in our own Universal disorder to pretend to relate. Just keep smiling and dancing, baby. That’s all I’ve got to say to you now.


Pisces (February 19-March 20)
You were wise to keep your head down and pretend everyone was invisible this week. Too many problems that didn’t involve you. Good god. Is this the way of the Universe this week, or are my Monkeys watching too many soaps again? Geez. Anyway, you’re going to find yourself continuing to slip through the waves of yuck unharmed, with a peaceful smile on your face. You may find that you’re privy to secrets which have nothing to do with you—ignore those too. It would be a good time to cultivate new friends and new groups. You can rejoin the ruckus once they’ve all settled down a bit. In the meantime, keep working on your own screenplay. Scorpio got lucky. You might have to work more, but the rewards could be greater in the long run.