I finally got Taurus done!!!

Hi, kids!!!

Anyone get laid during Beltaine? During the SCORPIO FULL MOON??? Come on. Festival of fertility, ruled by the sex-o-manical sign of Scorpio? Could only have been a whirlwind of chaotic fabulousness. Just speculation. You’re welcome to confirm.

This week, plan on being excited about everything. We’re all feeling the pull of earnest, hardworking Taurus and prompted by a Sagittarius moon. During the early part of the week, we’ll be feeling thoroughly optimistic about every goal and dream we’ve ever had. This weekend, we just KNEW we were going to be discovered if we spent just one more hour juggling on the 59th street subway platform. However, also like Sag, we probably started a lot of projects yesterday and today can’t even remember what they were. The good news is that the Capricorn moon coming in tomorrow will kick all of our asses in gear. Practical Taurus sun combined with money-hungry Capricorn moon will severely increase the likelihood of even the laziest signs taking on an extra hour or two at work, at least in the earlier part of the week. By Friday however, the Pisces moon will sweep in with its compassionate and generous nature, and all the extra dollars we managed to squeeze out of our bosses have a better chance of ending up in homeless guys’ hats or on friends’ beer tabs than in our 401ks. Again, possibilities. Not prophecies.

Personally, I’m loving this Taurus time. I’m working my butt off on all kinds of astrology projects, about which I hope to have more details next weekend. Taurus is a great sign to have around. If you’re short on Bull friends, might wanna Craig’s List for a couple because they sure come in handy.

Those born under the sign of the Bull are usually wildly popular in groups, yet only have a handful of close friends. Social and chatty, but sensitive and surprisingly easy to hurt, Taurus is generally friendly but doesn’t share enormous amounts of personal goodies until they know you really well. Taurus is loyal to the end. Break-ups and fallings out hurt them deeply and change them permanently, in many cases. Taurus is the softest of the earth signs—think more mud than volcanic rock. Quite compassionate, yet sturdy. They will let you know when you’re making a mistake, yet still manage to stay on your side. They’re practical. If a Taurus takes you shopping for work clothes, they’ll roll their eyes when you pop out of the dressing room in a vintage ballerina dress. (You need SLACKS, DAMNIT!) But being as sweet as they are, they’ll help you figure out how to rearrange your budget so you can have both.

Taurus people are often drawn to creative jobs. They do like getting a lot of attention, though they’ll often deny it, and many end up doing stuff with theater, film, performance or photography, but being earth signs, they’re not so fond of poverty. Most Taurus people I know have found quick and clever ways to make money from their favorite things to do—and make it look like the easiest thing ever.

If you’re dating a Taurus, keep in mind that under that flashy, funny and crazy person you asked to dinner is an extremely romantic and sensitive person holding onto the memories of past Cupid injuries. Right, we’re all like that, you say…but Taurus is often misread, and taken to be less sensitive than they are. They need to know that you’ve been thinking about them—and when I say that, I mean they need tangible reminders on a regular basis. Write a note that says, “I’ll be thinking today, about you my lovely little Bull!” and tape it to the bathroom mirror. Don’t write on their mirror in lipstick. They’ll focus more on the greasy mess on the glass than the passionate, movie-worthy thing you just did. (Scorpio and Sag may like the lipstick thing.) Taurus also likes to get presents. Handmade stuff will charm the panties right off them. Giving to a charity in their name will make them happy, as they like philanthropy and appreciate, again, the thought you put into the charity. Again, make sure it’s a charity they like so they KNOW you’ve been thinking about them. Of course, Taurus tends to be a bit of a clothes and accessories horse, so they won’t complain if you buy them something swanky to flash around to their friends. Doesn’t have to be expensive, (they hate to see you spend ALL that money….) so long as it looks great.

As lovers, Taurus is quite sensitive to touch and enjoys massage and foreplay nearly as much as the Great Rite itself. Don’t be too rough with your Taurus on the first go-round. They need time to explore and get to know you to really have fun—although with this given time, they will become adventurous and are generally safe people to try out “those things” you’ve been thinking about. He or she will probably blush a little when you suggest it, but will delight you with their enthusiasm once you get going. Taurus is a romantic bed-friend and can stay monogamous for extremely long periods of time. They like to cuddle. A lot.

Now, Taurus. Don’t get offended. But you need to work on not getting offended so easily. We’ve all got our things. Taurus tends to take a lot of ridiculous things too damn personally. They get jealous. They get possessive. They’re stubborn as hell. They expect you to know things about them without them having to explain thing, which makes it kind of confusing for the rest of the overly self-involved Zodiac members. Their practicality has moments that borders on being kind of cheap. Taurus doesn’t like to forgive. They’ll lie and SAY they forgive you, but they’ll bring it up as often as possible for the rest of their lives. My Taurus sister has never forgiven my cat for an unfortunate incident involving a bathing suit. Only a Taurus could begrudge a cat for two years. Did I mention Taurus holds a grudge? And are probably upset that I used more lines to describe their dark side than I used for Pisces and Aries? They notice those kinds of things.

Doesn’t matter, though. I couldn’t live without my collection of sturdy, determined, powerfully loving, loyal, charmingly stubborn and dressed to impress Taurus Bulls: Faceboy, Dylan, Sara, Deanna Marie, Tom, Tobi, Manny, Angry Bob, Ree!, Lady Cyn and my favorite Taurus and person in all the world: my baby sister Meredith. Happy Birthday!!!!

Now! For the Readings you all “paid” to Read…..

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
My goodness! Someone is taking full advantage of this productive realm of Taurus. Aries, your extra hours, your extra miles, your extra promotional flyers and Avon lectures have not gone unnoticed. Of course you’re not seeing all the results you want yet, but you seem to be gritting your pretty little teeth and practicing that patience thing. While you don’t seem to have all the opportunities popping up yet, enjoy this period where you don’t have to make any decisions. Get some work done around the apartment. The Tupperware Tower of Pisa in your cabinet has been annoying you for quite awhile, but until this week, you didn’t have time to do much about it. This week is only the beginning of a calm-seas period for you and the rest of us are jealous. Finish your spring cleaning while you still have time to do it. If you’re all done and you’re bored, you can come over and do mine, too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Whatever catastrophe you recently weathered left a delicious void in your life which I hope you filled with bunnies and pink lemonade. However, the monkeys are saying you’re pretty unhappy about the way things turned out. As soon as you’ve finished throwing your tantrum, come back and join us because we have good news for you. Partnership is on the way—and don’t growl and don’t roll your pretty eyes. This doesn’t necessarily mean a hot young entrepreneur is going to roll by and pick you up in his or her Jag. This doesn’t mean your boss is going to quit and leave the company to you—no matter how better equipped you are to deal with it. You’ve got to quit setting your sights so ridiculously high that they collapse before they even inflate. I’m seeing more an impromptu coffee date with someone you didn’t know well before, but who’s likely to say, “I hear ya…” and sincerely mean it. Won’t that be nice?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If I haven’t lost all of my Gemini subscribers (more than a few are quite upset with my stunning inaccuracy regarding their getting laid two weeks ago…), I do have more good news to report. Last week’s depressing lull is about to break, which means you’re going to need to get out of bed and shower. Please. You’re going to get a chance to tell your stalker to quit calling. You’re going to get a chance to tell your ex that you don’t even want to be friends. You’re going to find someone to buy your secret collection of Paula Abdul cassettes that have sat on E-bay since its inception. Yeah. It’s going to be a good week for getting rid of stuff, which you need to do because by Thursday or Friday you’re going to feel like kicking some ass and taking some serious names. It will be easier to do a roundhouse kick when there’s less crap in your apartment. Or life. You know you should have done this a long time ago.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
They don’t understand you. They never will. That’s okay. Your astrologer is a Cancerian who vaguely speaks your language. Recently, we had to sever a bunch of ties and break some nasty old habits. This has left most of hiding in our shells—but pulling the UN-Cancerian move of using an ambivalent shell. Guess what, other signs….Cancer has embraced nihilism and doesn’t give a shit if you’re unhappy about it or not! It’s seasonal. It will pass. Fellow Cancers, we spend too much time meddling with everyone else’s relationship issues, food issues, alcohol issues, psychosomatic issues…seems as though everyone else’s drama is just too delicious to pass up! But this week, our ambivalent detachment has left us focused solely on ourselves. It’s not a bad thing. We’re going to spend the first part of the week fixing up a few of our character flaws because by the end of the week, we’re going to have to have an important conversation with a loved one. Right. One of those, “Let’s talk about Us” things. Be ready.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Some of our Leos returned from Tibet with lots of pretty souvenirs to share. Most of the others scaled back their crazy master plans by the end of last week and compromised their intentions by founding a meditation center in their hometown, as opposed to freeing a war-torn country. Leo, you’ve still got a lot of work to do on your newly founded endeavor, and the bad news is that it’s not going to pay off right away. In fact, you’re probably going to find yourself asking to borrow money from even your cheapest old uncles, because you’re about to get slammed with the bills. Don’t worry. I don’t see bankruptcy this week, but you may feel that’s the way it’s going. Keep in mind that things take a long time to grow, and it’s going to be awhile before you see rewards. Don’t do the Leo thing by waving a white flag in anticipation of attack. Keep at it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I’m not apologizing to the crew of Virgos I offended last week at Reverend Jen’s anti-slam. Someone asked me what I knew about Virgos and I said, “Who cares? They don’t believe in astrology anyway.” Suddenly, a half-dozen Virgos replied, “HEY…” “No, really,” I said. “Do you actually buy this stuff?” One Virgo woman shrugged and murmured, “I kinda do…I don’t know….” No, I’m not apologizing. You know you only read this because you either know me and like me, or you know me and are paranoid I’m going to talk about you in particular. Wow. That went on longer than I meant it to. Anyway, kudos to the Virgos for their recent attempts at open communication with their peers and lovers. Looks like it went well. This week promises even more of those kinds of conversations, and they’re only going to get easier because they’re getting better at it. This new fountain of dialogue brings with it new creative collaborations, exciting new opportunities on the job and potentially sex. Again, I said “potentially.” I will not take your complaints if this doesn’t ring true. So there.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras have been through an interesting time lately. They would much rather secretly open all the Christmas presents three days ahead of time than actually be surprised with what they find under the tree, but recently, they’ve been subject to numerous surprises which have left them surprisingly happy. No, Libra. No Magic-8 ball could possibly tell you everything that’s going to come your way. Except mine. But I’m not sharing. But in surprise visits, surprise revelations, surprise parties—we learn things about ourselves. For some Libras, they learned they could feed twenty hippies on two boxes of rice when their nephew’s traveling commune made a surprise visit. That’s a strength! For others, the surprise hot-air balloon ride their lover planned taught them they have a tremendous fear of heights. That could be a weakness—although I consider it a safety mechanism. Either way, Libra is happy to have this information. Events at the end of next week are going to require more knowledge of how much you can take. No further information is available at this time.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I want to respond to recent allegations of me being a Scorpio-hater. Let me reiterate. I do not hate Scorpio. I don’t even dislike Scorpio. If you’d ever read the whole blog, you’d see that I’m mean to all the signs on a regular basis. (i.e., please see this week’s Virgo reading.) However, Scorpios are particularly easy to antagonize. Maybe if you weren’t so damn paranoid, you wouldn’t freak out about the things I say about you. I’m not quite sure what battle you started last week, but I think the roots of it were all in your discombobulated mind. It doesn’t look as though anyone was out to get you, this time. It might be a good time to pull back and deal with the negative feedback in your head. You’ve got some good things coming your way in the realm of relationships. People are finally going to start returning your emails, in less than seven days time. Fire sign friends in particular may need your psychic abilities to fight crime and injustice. Clear your third-eye, now.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Hooray! The slumpy, sad energy clogging our favorite fire sign is finally about to be broken! Sag, I do hope you took my flimsy advice last week and sat around in a touchy-feely state. If you did, you’ve probably finally figured out what was crawling up your tushy and maybe even got some cream for it. This week, you’re going to continue to have those crucial conversations with people, and they’re going to make your skin crawl far less than usual. Keep in mind that your friend or lover may have more things to say to you, and you may need to take the unusual Sag step of saying, “Hey baby, is there something you want to talk about?” Particularly if you’re involved with a Taurus. (Please read opening essay for more details.) It looks as though a nagging issue is going to be resolved. Fix it, have a beer, enjoy the brief, quiet aftermath of “Problem Solved.” Because as soon as you fix one, Old Mother Universe will fart another one your way! It’s a Universal Truth.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn had a great week last week. They were right about something everyone knew it! Maybe not even that extreme. But our Goat friends were riding high and having themselves a good time. What now, they ask? Well, it’s Blank Canvas week! That’s right, Capricorn! Job well done, battle completed and won. You can go to Disneyland, or you can go to Bermuda. You can start a children’s charity or you can throw a dinner party for everyone that helped along the way. Whatever you do, know that you’re in a sensitive time that means whatever you’re putting in the world will set the course for you for the next long period. There’s a warning here not to yield to the temptation of telling everyone what to do. They’re floundering, but you’re going to need to let them flounder around for awhile. Just because you want your loved ones to have a certain haircut because it really will frame their face so much better, unless you’re will to front the cash for it, get the hell off their case. Don’t set your blank canvas with resentment as a result of being bossy. Set it with pretty flowers and rainbows and pots of chocolate gold!!!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
See? Mom was right. You didn’t finish your glass of milk yesterday and now your growth is permanently stunted. Just kidding, it’s not that intense. But there has been a minor disaster in the form of a flooded boiler or a misplaced purchase order which has prevented things from going smoothly. I don’t know much about boilers, but I know that with purchase orders, it can mean the difference between your co-workers getting the pens they want and a whole case of Lysol wipes they don’t need. Examine your role in this. Were you too hung over to properly check the catalog before ordering? Possibly? No worries. You’re going to make great friends with the delivery guy, who will help you out of the jam. There’s a note here to be careful with your friends and lovers right now. Aquarius, you are so free and flowing and some of us just aren’t that expressive. We don’t realize that when you’re ignoring us, you’re not really ignoring us, you’re just having a good time. Pay attention to the needy people in your life. They’re going to need extra attention this week.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
I think the retreat to the Fortress of Solitude was a great idea for last week, but you’re going to need to bust out all of your super-hero tools again in the coming week. You’re going to have to slay an orc on behalf of a lover, or chain yourself to a tree in defense against the evil toilet-paper manufacturers. When your battle and/or jail time is complete, you’ll find the chance of returning to your old way of life will be quite slim. The good news is that you’ll have lots of opportunity to shape-shift into an entirely new life form! Think of all the dimensions you’ll get to visit!!! Seriously, though. Once the drama has worked itself out, you’ll have the opportunity to create a new space for yourself. Put glorious, fabulous things into it, and glorious, fabulous things will jump out and give you a big, fat kiss on the mouth!