Yeah, so....I didn't get finished with my Taurus dedication. You Bulls are tough, you know? I will I will I will get something up before I have to write about Gemini.
I want to give a special HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to my baby sister, Meredith, who has her Taurus celebration tomorrow!!!!!!Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Your best friend moved to Omaha. You lover needs space. Your ex finally deleted your from his or her MySpace account, which bothers you more than you care to admit. Golly. I do hope you only experienced one of the above! You do realize there isn’t a whole lot you can do this time around, right? The Universe is quite aware of Aries’ disdain for anything that begins with a “p” and ends with “atience.” Tough shit. If you start making noise, it’s only going to make things worse. Think—your ex might BLOCK USER you, and that would be really embarrassing back home. And since we all know Aries is second only to Cancer in not-letting-ANYTHING-go, you get the same lecture I give my fellow Cancerians every week: just try really, really hard to focus on something else. Anything else. Play some pool. Call your mom. Go the firing range. It will quite possibly replace your angst with good times. However, calling your mom may provide more drama, but at the very least, it will distract you until this current wave is over. Best of luck with that.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hmm…it’s not really in the nature of Taurus to dole out cash to the other animals in the Zodiac barn—but they’ve been up to something that’s leaving them feeling used and unappreciated. Did you do too many freelance hours “for the experience?” Have you been distributing photocopies of notes to the same person who always sleeps through the noon lecture? Did you help a friend move—a “friend” you’re pretty sure took a shower with your lover last week? And now you’re feeling angry for quasi-undefined reasons? Taurus, we may feel for you, but no one feels sorry for you. You know you’re too smart for that. Besides, it’s your BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! They should all be waiting on you, right? THAT’S not going to happen…but several conversations need to be had. Don’t do the Taurus thing of waiting for them to come to you to find out why you’re pouting and kicking a can down the street. It’s, again, probably too late to address those who have already put you out, but when the situation re-presents itself—and I guarantee that it will—you’ll be all ready with your magic chainsaw to kick some ass.
Gemini(May 21-June 20)
I’m not apologizing to any angry Geminis who did not get laid last week. If you’d read the entire reading, you would have seen that if Gemini wasn’t getting laid, Gemini was quietly contemplating their life and loves and blah blah in solitude. Which is why we didn’t see much of you guys last week. No more emails, please. Well, your break from reality paid off. Your mind is a blank canvas, and that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re vacant. If you, the Gemini, took that very difficult step for a Gemini and sat still for a few days, you’ll find that this week will provide all sorts of delightful epiphanies that may solve a global problem or two! If you didn’t take this time last week, you’re going to pay for it this week in the form or a job cancellation, a broken limb or a bad, bad hangover—any of which will keep you laid up in bed, and not in the good way you were hoping for when you read last week’s horrorscope. Take this time to contemplate the things that need contemplation, since you refused to do it when the signs were more favorable. What kinds of nutty things need to get fixed in your life, besides your glue-sniffing addiction? Loose ends need tying in the Twins’ world right now. Do it before the Monkeys pull another “sterile” reading on your ass.
Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Yeah. We Cancerians have not been the most pleasant beasts to play with this week. Beyond the normal brooding inherent to the Crabs, we were angsty about things we could do nothing about, lethargic from a diet of solely lemons and maple, or cackling and running off barefoot into the woods when we just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s not our fault, guys. We’re sensitive and by the way, we like ourselves that way, so FUCK OFF. But! This week is the glorious return we’ve been waiting to see. Cancerians around the Universe will be throwing out half-eaten boxes of Thin Mints and jogging ourselves back to the gym. We’ll finally get around to scrubbing the crusty dishes, we may even finish chapter two of the novel that is currently being ignored on the grounds of “horrorscopes.” Here’s the icky news: whatever problem we’re finally getting off our ass to solve cannot be solved using ordinary measures. Time to charge a new wand, if you’re into that. Time to use a new book on constructive communication (please don’t tell me you buy those books…). Think of it as getting new presents from the Cosmic Santa Claus. More ways to kick ass the next time the world is out to get us!!! And since it seems to come after us more often than not, this is very good news!!!
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, everyone. Say goodbye to the Leos we all once knew. Having had their soul-rending affirmations confirmed, they’ve given away their belongings and are on their way to Tibet to chant for the rest of this mortal cycle. This may be an extreme case. The rest of the Leos have had their seasonal breakthrough and are looking at things differently, which is why they’re not returning your phone calls at the moment. No worries, they’ll be back around. Now, Leo. You do realize that new perspectives also bring new obstacles, right? I think Tibet may require a special visa—or some special shots anyway. Don’t take itty-bitty set-backs personally. The world has not set itself up in favor of your demise. Try chanting that a few times in between your new mantras. This could be a good time for you, but if the initial roadblocks make you want to turn back, then what the hell was all that reading and meditating you did good for?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
This week, our Virgins are the sole exceptions on a planet on which only the morons survived the Apocalypse. What did I tell you? You got pulled into someone else’s mess—again—and it looks like you’re the one who has to play janitor, right? Wrong. Their problem. Their mess. Their clean-up. Your only job is to play the sounding wall. Listen. Nod. Say, “I see…” a lot and mean it. These people are not going to do what you think is best anyway, so don’t even bother piping up. Sometimes people need to screw up big time in order to never let it happen again. And they’ll probably learn things in ways you find counter-productive. You need to focus on you right now, anyway. There’s good news. The Muse you’ve been waiting for is on her way with a big, sloppy kiss on the third-eye for you! You’ll spin around in your phone booth a couple hundred times and come out with an awesome cape on. You may even be able to leap a lot. Pretty much anything can happen for you after your pretty Muse pays her visit. So stick to you and leave them to them.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
So, you worked hard and found a couple of solutions. Your sink no longer leaks, your boss no longer thinks you’re a total fuck-up, and you scored some attention with the person you’re drooling all over. This is all great and all, but let’s not get too stuck to the way things are now. That’s the quickest way to get it to blow all to hell. Oh, yeah. And quit doing the compromising thing. Kind of a tough thing to tell the sign symbolized by Scales, but if you’re finding yourself saying, “My roommate is a month late on rent again and crashed my computer while downloading kiddy porn—but buddy makes great nachos!!!” maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit. We know you don’t like things to change when you’re comfortable with them—even if you could be a little more comfortable if they shook up a bit—but let’s get real, shall we? Pay attention to any tiny bits of bad news you may receive. Don’t ignore it and don’t let it freak you out. Sometimes these little nasties open opportunities to get rid of big nasties. Watch, and you’ll see what I mean.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Oh dear. I’m now going to strongly encourage everyone to avoid Scorpio for the next week. Or month. They’re pissed. Again. I don’t know who did it. Okay, yeah. It was me. Of course, being Scorpio, they’re providing this information to the masses in a cool, dark and mildly threatening manner, finished off with a charming grin. I’m watching my back. Yeah, Scorpio, whether someone severely displeased you or you had something fabulous fall all to spectacular pieces, it really wasn’t your doing and couldn’t possibly have been helped. Take all the pretty pieces and put them in a jar. Bury it under your back porch and water it with your tears of fury. Someday, a beautiful tree will grow from those pieces, with a big, wide trunk spacious enough to hide the bodies of your enemies. Honestly, though. This loss is only clearing the way for something far more glorious to make its way through. Mourn your loss and plot your revenge. Before you know it, new things will enter the fray that will make you forget all about the nasty things I wrote about you on the bathroom wall.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
When Sag is unhappy, the world doesn’t feel right. Our fiery optimists are confused and frustrated and being who they are, can’t figure out what the hell those watery drops are that just fell out of their face—although they’re kind of salty and that’s kind of tasty. Sag, if something upset you, take a moment and acknowledge it. Don’t just go running to the next bar. If this is in regards to a relationship, you’re going to need to sit down on something comfy with your beloved or MostRecentEx and spell out in your common tongue exactly what they’re doing that sucks. But before you do that, you also need to have that conversation with yourself. What is it that you do that brings sucky things to you? We all have them. If we attract what we disperse, figure out what it is you’re dispersing and turn it into jelly beans. Then, there will be this dawning of understanding between you and everyone else in your life and everyone will live happily ever after for at least the rest of the week. Plus, we’ll all be glad you’re dispersing happy jelly-bean energy.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Zodiac Goats have been far too busy this week. This reading flew out of the cauldron—as your readings tend to do, you know? You finally started to get some payback for all the good deeds and hard work you’ve been putting out there. Of course, you deserve far more than you’ve received already, but making that point over the intercom at your work isn’t going to bring the rest of your reward any faster. I’m seeing that your recent success is part of an ongoing thing that will take about a year to complete. Don’t get greedy. I’ve been told that the road to success has about sixty potholes the size of toddlers for every two inches of smooth road. And, there’s usually traffic. If you are stuck, take this opportunity to take a nap at the wheel. But only if you’re officially stalled, that is. Rest and regroup. Things will eventually move again on their own, and you’ll be all energized from your nappy time—not worn out from slamming the horn and screaming at other drivers.
Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Yep. Just like your buddies Capricorn and Libra, you were working hard on improving yourself inside and out and doing pretty well at that, too—when Planet Xena sneezed extra hard and blew a meteor into your Water-Jug. That sucks. But cosmically speaking, that sort of bad timing happens only as often as getting struck by lightening here on earth or getting past the first round of American Idol. Don’t get disheartened by your latest disruption. Anyone who actually reads this column knows you’ve had your unfair share of disasters since your birthdays. Maybe you’re getting them all out of the way now, and it will get better for the rest of the year! Good news, kids! A monkey just slipped a note about partnership under my nose. Maybe you’ll meet someone in group therapy this week! Maybe they’ll be rich and famous and you’ll romantically elope and adopt seven gorgeous children from China. It may not happen, but it’s a thought! At the very least, you’ll strengthen friendships and family ties through this latest ordeal. At the end, you’ll find that great giant blessings come in blown to hell packages.
Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Good work, Pisces. Unlike the rest of us, you’ve put your rough times to good use. Taking this opportunity to work on your patience and discipline instead of whining to your therapist will most certainly get you into Ninja school yet. The trial isn’t over yet, sweetie. It’s actually about to get tougher. Keep with your patience training and don’t get frustrated. Don’t try to hide from your pain, it will only pop up in the middle of the night to scream, “BOO-yah!!!!” Take note of the times when it’s better to just stay home from the party. There may be plenty of hot girls there, but if you stay out of the center of things, one might just come to where you are, and then you already have privacy.
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