Post Ass-tro...

Greetings, earthlings! And all else who read this page…

Thanks to everyone who came out to the show last night. Even though I write these words in ANTICIPATION of all of ya’ll coming out to see me, I hope you’ll be enjoying the show, and I hope I don’t look like a new-aged cult leader or a gia-normous ass-hole.

Isn’t that funny? I found that this morning. I was nervous about the Ass-tro hour, so I did some premature thanking. The show ended up going really well, and indeed a huge thank you to everyone who came out! The forecast delivered well, everyone got their readings and questions answered, Teresa’s story was awe-inspiring, and the evening ended with Magic Microphone Time—when guests could come up and speak their heart’s desires into the Magic Mic—the only Magic Mic in New York guaranteed to deliver desires within three days. A lotta people have the same desires, as it turns out: A little more money, a little more clarity, a little more opportunity to spend time in quarantine with all their friends.

So, we’re in the thick of Taurus, feeling the strong, steady pull of the generous bull. We want to work hard and spend harder, and get lots of reinforcement from our lovers that we are indeed the prettiest little demons in the pond. Now, this weekend the natural insecurities of the Taurus—are we not loved enough, are we not the most popular creatures in bull pen, are people secretly not laughing with us but very much at us? If you have a lover, you may notice them needing more of your time on a regular basis this weekend.

If you’ve got a partner, expect them to take sudden trips to IKEA as the Taurus need to buy practical things combined with the Cancer’s need to make the home pretty. You yourself, who’s closest thing to decorating the bathroom was to stick the copy of Hustler under the bathmat when company comes around, may even feel the need to buy potpourri.

However, this could very likely be the weekend you reunite with estranged family members, in a Hallmark Movie kind of way. For those of you who don’t usually get along with your blood kin will find the natural homey-family feeling of the Taurus and Cancer combination encouraging you to grit your teeth and put up with it just a bit, and there could be a free meal out of all of this.

Mars in Aries. It’s going to be an emotional week, chickies. But this is a good thing. It’s a great time for your softball team. But most the world will be organizing their own teams, not even to let other members on it. We all want to be captains right now, which is making us work harder in order to keep up with all the savior spending we want to do. Good time for getting work done. If you’re shopping, take advantage of all the dollar stores competing for even lower prices—as even the most relaxed store-owners are suddenly in a crunch to outsell every other vendor on the block, even if it means driving down their own prices to nothing at all. I think it’s all going to work out for all capitalists this week, even if it means sacrificing our own spiritual quests in the name of filling ourselves up with cheap, meaningless crap.

Personally, it was a great week for finding a rhinestone habit to wear at my opening show at Stainbar. Woo-hoo for the sparkly woo-woo! How fabulous.

It’s the week of May 20-26!!! Aren’t you glad to be alive and to have found me?

Aries (March 21-April 19)
As typical when home planets are in home regions, Aries is numb to their own planet hanging out in their own sign for the next week or so. Competition. Excessive striving. Freaking out over small things with the intent of making them into something infinitely larger? (Really…who can divide the atom the fastest?) Just a regular old run of the mill time for Aries. Now, while the rest of us are trying to reconcile your planet’s influence on top of all the other murky, emotional planetary influences we’ve got going on, you’re going to sail through just fine and kick everyone else’s asses at the pool table. USE this creative time to get ahead. You’ve been kicking the dirt all year while everyone else has done quite well, so take care of business now. I can’t promise you’ll have all this luck all year. You are being cautioned not to freak out about people who don’t return your calls or emails in the coming week. This doesn’t mean that they’re being crappy to you. Their nutty lives are coming all to pieces—just like yours was a few measly weeks ago! If it’s business related, it will turn around in your favor. You’ve already put the word out. If it’s personal, the response may be a little longer. Wait it out and don’t take too much to personally. Overall, this week will suck marginally less than the previous.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The time of feeling frumpy, grumpy and slumped over in your cubicle chair is about to turn around for you, Birthday Boy/Girl! Isn’t that fabulous??? Yes. Yes, it is. Whatever situation you’ve been mulling over for the past few readings (which I believe relates to romance for the vast majority of Tauruses...), you’re about to shake it off and have a glorious revelation that will come bounding through the windowless walls of your life and shake things up with beads and finery. In short, you’re ready to rebound! Tell the wayward lover to quit calling, tell the cheap-ass boss to blow you. Drive through those blocks in the way that only you, the Grand Bull of the Universe can! It’s a delightful time for starting over. Now, starting over will not automatically mean divine Prince/Princess will charge up to your stoop on a steed. Nor will it mean that Oprah is going to be on air telling everyone how she bought 1,000 copies of your second-rate novel. This week, anyway. Your new success will begin slowly. Coffee dates. Promising job interviews. Carefully lining your cat’s litter box with the publisher rejection notices. It’s the beginning, and beginnings take time. Slightly cynical Taurus hereby rolls their eyes at Sister Mary: “Don’t you ALWAYS say that EVERYONE is at the beginning?” News for you, Taurus. Universal Law states: We all ARE always at the beginning. Twiddle your hooves over that one for awhile.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A hieratic or mystery pointing to that which is beyond our frail or manipulative powers: Perth is on the side of Heaven, the Unknowable, and has associations with the phoenix, the mystical bird which consumes itself in the fire and then rises from its own ashes. Its ways are secret and hidden..
Ha! You thought you were going to get a real astrology reading. Sorry.
But Gemini is finally jumping out of the frying pan they’ve been bouncing around in for the past few weeks and miraculously missing the blue flame of the gas range. That isn’t to say that they’re going to be thrilled with the outcome. I see the conclusion of some alliances that were never meant to last long in the first place. The Twins, being the social little jitterbugs that they are, won’t take this so well. They might scratch their heads. They might tug on their fishnets. They will, of course, wonder if they just weren’t cool enough. My answer is my darlings, no. You weren’t cool enough. Who cares, though? No one was cool enough for those shallow morons. You were probably too smart. Gemini was born with both feet in their pretty mouths and never recovered. But those who really love you, don’t just love you despite that crap. They love you for it. The others were flakes, babe. This week will provide that good old re-discovering yourself you’ve been wanting to do. You’ll be relieved the storm is over, and once you wipe the debris out of your eyes, you can go about putting your little house back together. Be sure to use bricks, not sticks or straw this time, little pig….

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Crabby-babies all over the Universe are sprawling across their fainting couches, one dramatic back-of-the-wrist over the eyes. It was all just too much for us to bare…..I mean, bear…Yes, truly. Planet of romance taking a big, fat shit in our home sign. Not nice. Softies that we are, people breathing at us the wrong way sent us to the restrooms to let our mascara run down the drain. I challenge one Crab out there to say this didn’t happen. Because we’ll all know you’re a liar, and you don’t feel like revealing that now, do you? Uh-uh. Nah, the smartest of we Cancerians knew we were just being silly this week. Some of us had the excuse of PMS. Others of us knew it was just that time of being loopy, and we tried very, very hard not to take it out on our partners, lovers and extra-marital flings. None of these sinners were being anymore callous and hurtful than usual. We just felt it more, as Venus left our brittle shells toilet-paper thin. I regret to report that Cancerians will once again be found reading their Live-Journal entries from three years ago (Live Journal was around then, wasn’t it? I was still using paper.), late at night over their wine. Some old wound needs to be re-rubbed again, for some inane reason. It would really serve us best to delete those old entries, and erase the phone numbers of lovers who never call us anymore. Cancerians are nodding as they read this. They know it’s true. But I hardly think any of them actually will. If I pull this reading for us again next week, I will tell us nothing about our future. I’ll keep our reading and cry over it myself. Alone.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
So, we remember that you were sad last week because a lot of we less-successful zodiac members were jealous and got to be mean? That truly wasn’t very nice of us. Fortunately, most of you didn’t let your impulse to sulk in a dark apartment take over. You gave us the finger, while smiling in your charming way, and kept right on plugging. Good for you, babe. Take advantage of this creative time before the Universe sweeps in with more cosmic drama-dust. Don’t get nervous, and don’t call me Astro-Downer. That’s the way of things. Sometimes, we’re up. Sometimes, we suck. Enjoy the up-time you’re in, because you did have a long, long time of sucky. Didn’t you? It’s a time of wholeness and plenty. Run through your fields and gather as much asparagus while the season is still good. I have an excellent recipe for it that calls for tahini. Let me know if you want some. I’m keeping your reading short because I only see a few things for you this week: Happy, Happy, Joy and more Happy, Happy, Joy. Watch you don’t brag too much, or we grumpier signs will take you to the range for our target practice. J

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The nasty funnel-cloud of Everyone Else’s Garbage has finally separated and Virgo can sit alone for a moment and contemplate funnel clouds, everyone, garbage, and all things in between. The storm took away all the tools they’d set aside in order to make this work out okay. That’s a real shame. Now, before you start to grumble and take a bad reading all personal again…the monkey have asked me warn you about being an asshole to everyone around you based on the bad luck you’ve had recently. Yes, it’s probably their fault. But it’s your fault for getting involved. If you’re mean to the dummies you enable, their feelings will be hurt. You should have let them sink or swim when you had the chance. Now, you’re going to have to be careful in how you extricate yourself from the situation, so as not to sever any relationships you might like to keep. Make something up. Say you have jumping pubic lice. There is no such ailment (to my knowledge), but the key here is to make them think they’re staying away from you. Temporarily. Suddenly, you’ll have all the silence you want to kick around on your computer and pretend you’re practicing the Bodhi Svaha. You’ll be calling those imbeciles again in no time.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Special thanks to one particular Libra—who shall remain nameless--for talking one particular Cancerian—who also shall remain nameless—off a PMS cliff. Libras come in handy. Their quick ability to weigh both sides of the sides of the situation can be infuriating when you just want them to take YOUR side, damnit…but very helpful in the long run. Especially when you’re back on the ground with a martini in your hand that they made themselves. I’d like to lie and give you a happy-skippy reading, since no one loves a happy ending so much as a Libra, but that would be a lie and Mother Superior would whip me for lying. It’s no surprise to any Libra around that quasi-major catastrophes have made for traffic jams and slipped discs over the past week. Fortunately, Libra is looking at all of this with bright, clear eyes and can see where they’re being taken advantage of and plan to do some ass-kicking as soon as they can move from the hospital bed. Good news, Libra! You have a lot of friends around who can do the smack-downs for you while you’re all laid-up. Let them know who and be sure to include addresses. Recovery time is going to be slow, but the good thing is that your physical therapist is likely to be a hottie. See? Even pain can be the greatest gift-giver. Smile and take it one step at a time. You’ll be back and better for the next toxic adventure before you know it. There. That wasn’t such a sucky reading, was it?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I almost skipped writing for Scorpio this week, figuring all Scorpios had formally denied existence of my blog for me being so mean to them on a regular basis. I hope they notice that I’ve generally been very kind to everyone this week. Well, as kind as Sister Mary gets. Scorpio, even I’ve got to admit that for the first time, your hyper-paranoid views were correct. They were out to get you. They wanted your girl/boyfriend. But they didn’t win, did they? You were ready with the pot of hot oil at the window—as soon as they approached your building. Too bad you missed and splashed the poor old lady walking behind. But the intent was there! And it was passionate and novel-worthy. I do hope your court case comes up soon. Your brief time in the pen has given you plenty to think about and a multitude of dark, murky poems to write. I’m pleased to report that this week will be one of epiphany and ecstasy—and I don’t mean the kind you took “by accident” last weekend. Like all good little geniuses, no one will understand you and you’ll go back to lurking in your cave. That’s okay. Take all that creative burst with you and make something pretty. You rebel, you. You’d never sell even your most brilliant creation for plain old money. Prestige, maybe, but never for The Man’s Puppet String. Fine with me, and the rest of the sell-outs. Less competition in a crowded market.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
And just how is our favorite little fire sign this week? Uh-oh! Monkeys reveal that Sag spent waaaayyyyy too much money planning for the Memorial Day bash. And it’s not even here yet. Not to worry. Everyone loves you and thinks you’re a gem and will bring plenty of beer to share. Since you don’t have cash to go to the bar this week, take some time to sit alone. Just for ten minutes. No, you won’t get bored. Seriously. Wait, come back. I’m not finished with your reading yet. You’ve been working so far this year on your relationships, your creative projects, your relationships to your creative projects, your relationships to the creative parts of your relationship’s projects…but where in there did you take the time to work on you? I don’t recall seeing that in any of your past cauldron prints. The Universe is dishing out poverty to keep you from avoiding yourself. You’re going to start thinking about how you affect and influence others. You’ll probably see that a great majority of your energy has been put forward to telling other people what to do with themselves. Not smart. Get a few things fixed up with you, and then go back and join the party. I promise. It will still be going on.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
I do believe we’ve discussed this before, little Goat friend. How dropping hints at certain people—no matter how major those hints may be—does not qualify as effective communication? Yeah, yeah…they should just know what’s bugging you…but you’re a smart little critter. Haven’t you figured out yet that just because the world should be shaped exactly according to your specifications doesn’t mean that it necessarily will? Fiend. Yes. I called you a fiend. I’ve been thinking it for a long time, too. The only way to pull out the irritating wiggle-worm that’s gotten under your skin is to actually confront that critter and say, “Hey. You weren’t invited.” Making pretty little exit signs won’t do the trick. I guarantee that whoever/whatever is bugging you can’t read a damn word. Now, here’s some good news. I think. A reunion of sorts is in your cards for the week. That’s right! A wayward lover will come back and beg for forgiveness and you’ll get to lovingly tell them to shove it, just like you always wanted to. I sincerely hope that this wayward lover isn’t bringing your illegitimate child along, too. Then, you are not allowed to tell them to shove it. Sorry. Own up. (I would like to state for the record that my Capricorn mother, who now reads this column regularly, does not approve of my choice of language. She did indeed raise me much better than this.)

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I was getting ready to write you another reading encouraging you to kick ass and stop being so damn lazy and to get the free-loading-sterile person you call domestic partner out of the house. However, it looks like you beat me to it. Hooray! Aquarius is playing the role of sweet-ass ninja in this week’s installment of As the Universe Expands. (Dear God. Don’t ever let me use that joke again.) You filed the appropriate papers, got the proper restraining order, purchased the appropriate ninja stars, whatever. Good job. You get to move onto the next stage of collecting alimony and child support—if you’ve spawned. The conclusion to this collection is not coming anytime soon. You’re going to be squeezing whatever drop of toothpaste is owed to you out of the tube for quite awhile. I’m seeing the beginning of several personal ruptures here. A lot of the people you’ve been running around with will be nowhere to be seen. That’s rude. They should be by your side. But dramatic stuff often brings the blessing of weeding out who’s not being helpful, and highlighting those who are! The truth is that most of this work you’re going to have to do on your own. It won’t be the first time, Aquarius, you with that overtly-independent nature of yours. Ninjas often work alone, don’t they? Don’t really know. I’ve always been a nun, but never a ninja-nun. Although that would be a cool action figure. Hmm….

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Hmm…again. You had a pretty successful few weeks here, Pisces. This isn’t to say that it’s about to take a turn to the suck, but it’s going to get a little more difficult. 2007 has found many of our Pisces on a spiritual pilgrimage, even if it’s through their own backyard. Hell, most Pisces spend their lives on a spiritual pilgrimage, so I don’t even know why I’m bringing this up at the moment. This week marks the beginning of a BRIEF (don’t panic) dark period for the dual-fishes. You can’t bring the habits of your old life with you on the journey to a new one. Ick. Guru talk leaking in. But there’s more. Take a look at what would best benefit everyone if it were left behind. Not everyone will think it’s great to leave an old fart-lighting trick in the frat house. But you know what’s best for your new life. And what’s best for the flammable objects around you with a sense of smell. This is a time where you’re going to have to go on alone. You’ll probably feel as though you’re growing apart from people you once were very close to, but I also think that is going to be rather temporary. They’ll come back around when they finish their own shaman/ninja/ninja-nun quests. I really do think I’m going to make an action figure.

Stay tuned next week for more mischief, more mayhem, more dreams that (sort of) come true!!!

Xoxo
SMM