After the Great Confessions

Many thanks to all of you fine sinners who came out to the Great Sin-Off last night! It was a raging success! The night included tales of sleeping with men in exchange for mead, injuring unliked pets, using company worktime to browse for strange "merchandise", skipping out on company time all together and performing sexual acts with "Daddy" and "Granddaddy" that made even my assistant, Hyman the Demon Puppet's cloth jaw drop. Our winner was a red-headed bombshell from Inwood (not me…;), who divulged a delicious sin from back in her high school days: causing a devout Jehovah’s Witness girl to go against her beliefs by engaging in teenaged lesbian sex. For her "crimes," she received a prize package of stuff she's going to need in Hell: Polar Ice gum, an ice pack, a light-up hand held fan, a dollar (in case bribery helps at the Pearly Gates) and...a full Ass-trological Portrait by Sister Mary Manhattan.

Again, I’d meant to devout this week’s edition to the Realm of Cancer—but it turns out there were too many other things to tell you. And since I do not wish to waste any more of your precious work hours…let me give you another week of titillating suspense to learn more about the passionate, psychic, needing to nurture sign you sometimes want to hit…:)

The final days of Retrograde will find us continuing to deal with dropped cell phone calls, rerouted emails and the pissiest of friends, lovers and roommates—all of whom are misunderstanding everything we say! Allow for more time than usual in your train and traffic travels, and “Honey, can I see you in the kitchen?” conversations. No matter how well you know your said routes, you are bound to get lost at least a couple of times before this period has passed. The force of the Retrograde will increase before it leaves us the hell alone. Keep your liquid comfort blankets handy.

It’s a full moon in Capricorn, under the sign of Cancer. It’s a good time to try and make some more money out of things you do from home. If you don’t run a home business, you’re still likely to make money. Capricorn, resourceful sign, combining with Cancer—Maternal Mothership Sign, means a trip to the sperm bank or fertility center and get a quote on your ovaries. Yes, even those of you who are genetically wired to be nasty bitches or bastards will receive a fine offer on your screwed up spawn or disobedient children.

With a Venus in Leo, sexual situations are likely to be wild, but be prepared to cuddle even your most dominant, once you get the cuffs off. Cancer’s influence is bound to bring out Leo’s panicked insecurity. “Was it too hard? Really? You liked it? Did you really like it?” Assure your lover that yes, they are the greatest lover of all time and once you can walk again, you’d be happy to have another go.

However, with a Mars, being the warring planet, in Taurus, being the stubborn-est little choo-choo,—be prepared that absolutely no one is going to budge on any argument. Okay, sure. YOU know that all life descended from the miraculous fart of a Martian Octopus, but everyone else won’t budge away from that evolution theory. This doesn’t mean your opinion isn’t well formed and well supported! It’s merely the Mars in Taurus.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Looks as though Aries was pretty hot-to-trot with the cutie who lives up the block. Finally! The love you’d been waiting for arrived! You planned the escape in one of your rare moments of Aries decisiveness, booked a chapel in Vegas…only to find that the cutie has a live in lover, an illegitimate child and actually thinks you’re kind of creepy. Never fear, Ram friend! While talking out your sorrows to your best friend over cold beer and cold wings, the bartender will overhear and take you home for a pity rebound. You’ll cry through the whole thing, but you’ll feel better in the morning when the hangover subsides. You may even have the coveted repeat offender! See? It’s not so bad.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What in the world kind of bad ju-ju did you get yourself into? How many breakdowns, breakups, re-routes and inferno disasters did you poor things have to weather in a mere seven days? Watch how much you bitch to your friends. They may start pretending they’re busy and not invite you to poker nights. They can’t fix your broken heart anymore than they can fix your broken credit—even with a loan, which will haunt you until you can pay it back. In fact, let them leave you off their e-vite lists for awhile. You wouldn’t have much fun anyway. You’re just not in a very good mood. Stay put in your apartment and love the skin you’re in. We’ll miss you and start to love you again soon.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Granddaddy Depression took an unwelcome visit in your realm this past week, didn’t he, sweetheart? He can be such an asshole. Whether he had reason to visit i.e. unemployment or lack of attention from people you like, or whether he just felt like crapping on your couch, you’re going to deal with it in your typical Gemini way by clinging to someone else, whom you’d otherwise been aloof to recently. Unfortunately, this will not solve your problem. Being whiney and smothering the person you pushed away will annoy them. You’re meant to hang out with GD alone. The good news is that he’s going to get sick of you, too and will bound out the door a lot faster than he would if you keep a lot of hot chicks around your apartment. Bring on the hot chicks (or dudes…) later on.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Happy Birthday to us, by the way! Oh, dear. Looks like we already slipped up and spent too much money on planning our birthday parties. Our friends said they’d bring the wine and beer, but we felt guilty about them spending their cash—even though we personally hired the clown stripper at their parties last spring. We worked so hard for our cash, and now we’re back to panhandling for groceries again. That got us arrested last time, didn’t it? And wasn’t our ass kind of candy in prison? Repeating mistakes never really worked out for us. It’s time we pooled our resources and focused on ways to stop throwing around our hard-earned goods. Let’s pretend this week that Cancer is the sign of focus and order. It’s the only way to steer us through these last few putrid days of Retrograde…

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Everyone has been talking, but all Leo has been hearing is “wank wank wank…jibby jabby.” The natural Leo response to said situation is to sit with a creased brow and arms crossed over chest, turning annoying noises into silence. However, the best course of action Leo could take would be to get up, pack the backpack and hitchhike to Florida. To those Leos in Florida, I suggest the Honduras—but you’ll need a boat. While playing your flute for tips, and using your tips for food, you’ll have a miraculous breakthrough about you are, what you want and the sure way to cure the world of acid reflux. Upon marketing your idea, you’ll make lots of money, which will lead to motivational speaking gigs aplenty. This is an extreme case. The rest of the Leos will find something along those lines that won’t require them to leave home or sleep on a beach. Although that does sound kind of nice…

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…brief periods of deep frustration seem to be the theme around here! No difference for the Virgos this week. Fortunately, the minor mishaps for the Virgins will be along the lines of losing your bus pass or keys—not cars or homes. However, Virgo refuses to see how lucky they are that it’s not worse and will focus instead on how pissed they are at the bad luck. Which, of course, will only make their luck worse. Their roommates may kick these cranky kids out. So may the bus driver. Cars may just drive off on their own, rather than have road-ragey Virgo behind the wheel. The flying monkeys have just reported that Virgo is actually obsessing over something else that’s bothering them, not admitting what it is and taking it out on the insignificant shit. L Hey, friend. Was what you wanted really what you needed? Maybe it’s better you didn’t get it. Meditate, please. Your blood pressure is going up.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Look, the rest of us have no sympathy for Libras this week. You’re all upset because you didn’t win the Great Sin-Off at the Ass-tro Hour and you really wanted the flaming tiara…but your pooch did win the Barking Beauty Pageant, and now you’re getting calls from crazy people who like to put clothes on dogs and take pictures of them for calendars and stuff. You made money on that somehow, so no complaining about the tiara thing. Can’t win everything. Let it go. Continuing to complain is going to make people stop wanting to hang out with you. Ah, hell. Forget about those jealous bastards. Go hang out with the people who put raincoats on their pooches when the weather’s bad. They understand you. The rest of us no longer do.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You’ve annihilated your enemies, the moat around your castle is finished. You can finally gaze out across the horizon and cackle, “Mine…all mine!!!” Yes, Scorpio. You’ve reached a point of peace and bliss, all too rare for you. However, you’ll journey back down to realize your plumbing is leaking and because you thought the plumber was out to get you too, had her annihilated, but you don’t trust anyone else to come in and fix things. Might have been a little hasty on your part. The plumber was having a PMS moment; throwing a wrench at your snarky little head was nothing personal. It’s time to take a breath, go within and scan the web for new plumbers in your area. It’s time to trust again. Unless you prefer to have the moat through your living room. Somehow, I think you’d rather try the trust thing.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
One morning, probably last Saturday, Sagittarius woke up and realized they had nothing to do! Well, that’s not true. They had all kinds of half-finished lovers chained up in the basement—but they’d already forgotten about Friday night’s activities and felt excited about getting out there and starting a new project! They skipped down the street to the hardware store to buy some paint and tools, but are now completely frustrated at the incredibly long line and the super slow guy behind the counter who counts out the change one penny at a time. Sagittarius, the Patience Fairy has returned this week, trying one more time to teach you to wait. You can’t turn up the world to suit your liking. Christ. If you did, we’d all fly off and you’d be bored and lonely. Breathe and just be. Enjoy the mix of characters in the hardware store—as well as everywhere else. All of our times are mercilessly short. Just don’t forget those people in the basement. They may want to eat sometime.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Starting over is a blessing—but blessings sometimes suck. Capricorn knows they made the right move to shake up their current situation, but no one else seems to give them any credit for it. Damnit, zodiac! Can’t someone please go fawn over the Goats for a second? Oh, wait. We’re too busy having nervous breakdowns. Capricorn, our lack of attention should not be read as lack of caring. We’re just trying to dig our way out of our own ditches at the moment. Stop with the tantrums. If you break anymore of our shit, we’ll have you arrested. I’ve got some good news—you’re going to get some good news! Maybe you’ll win Powerball, or maybe your married lover’s spouse will finally kick them out. Either way, you’ll be so surprised by the next big change, you won’t notice our blasé attitude.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
These last few months have found our Water Bearer to be more of a Sludge Bearer. A Raw Sewage Bearer. Whatever it is, it has stunk to be Aquarius. Even this fiercely optimistic sign is starting to slouch and whimper a bit. But! The good news is that one hell of a “Eureka!” is coming your way! Perhaps you’ll discover that your emotionally-toxic roommate is violently allergic to Christian rock. Even if you cringe at it, you’ll be able to stand it long enough until said roommate breaks into hives and vomits spells and moves into their girlfriend’s place. Ah. Peace and quiet. For a time. We know you, and you’ll be stirring up trouble with the new roommate, but at least this Fourth of July weekend will be void of the dumps you’ve encountered over the past few months.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Do you enjoy martyrdom, Pisces? Just wondering, not judging. I’m only asking because the Monkeys have announced that you’ve once again—knowingly—entered into a situation with individuals who are using you for your sensitivity, generosity and uncanny abilities in the sack. Not EVERYONE, mind you, many are quite willing to give back, sixty-nine fold. Use discretion when choosing people to pal and fool around with in the coming week. There are just as many around you who are willing to tie you up, too. You could even get paid for such actions! You know you’re worthy of retribution. Don’t settle for less.