Dating a Crab? You're not alone!!!

Something else about Cancers: We’re the second biggest narcissists in the Zodiac. (Scorpio is the first.)

Last week, I had an insecure Cancerian moment when trying to discuss the crabs as lovers. I asked blog readers to submit their testimonials, if they have ever had the privilege to be driven insane by a Cancer. Responses flew in, but this is the only one that didn’t make us sound like total psychos.

If you ever needed someone to hold you when you are feeling down - this is the one. They won't help in the way of advice and sometimes asking them what you should do in a bad situation will agitate or confuse them, Cancers will hold your hand and your heart while you are in a sad place. But, they are not as good if you continue to be a downer. Eventually they will stop the hugging and the petting and say, get off your ass and deal. Of course, they will not tell you how to deal b/c again, this agitates or confuses.

Cancers are extremely playful and extremely sensitive in bed. They have a wonderful kinky side to them and will push the envelope until you say no - or the safety word. Then they will back off and cater to your needs. But, they will always try again. They make their partners feel extremely comfortable and will get you to try new things without you even knowing until it is over.

Cancers will make you dinner at night and breakfast in the morning. They love to have their hang out partner who will sit on the couch and veg out and a partner who will make tracks when they need some space to go be in their heads.

It is not easy to love a Cancer (then again, aren't we all hard to love). When they are cranky, they will go into their shell or pinch you. But, they are fun and never a dull moment. And, a partner could learn to really stretch themselves as a person.

(Thank you, anonymous donor!!!)

Welcome to the week of July 15-21! And you were just about to hang yourself….

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This past week found Aries in their favorite state of frustration: arms crossed and facing the wall, not paying attention to anyone—not even that pesky firefighter trying to let them know the building was burning down. Back at the burn unit, Aries realized perhaps it was time to listen to the advice of others. Just this once, and then they can go back to being right about everything. Now, if only Aries could figure out how to control the future of themselves and everyone around them. Dejected, Aries will draw the same conclusion—“Can’t control everything this time, either. Fuck.” Cheer up, Aries. The burns will heal and the plastic surgery will do wonders. You’ll have the opportunity to pretend to run everything again in no time.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Our favorite bulls spent the last week building orphanages and feeding the poor and buying drinks for recently dumped friends. They get Zodiac Friend of the Week award, from all of us!!! The Retrograde managed to miss most of their lives, and they felt compelled to repair the unfortunate and the pathetic. A word of caution, gentle Taurus. We’re likely to become dependent on your generous nature and it will hurt our feelings when you suddenly get fed up with our whining and bitching and needing $20. You did say it was okay, after all. Let us know now how much you’re willing to do for us, and give us the boundary. We can’t read your mind. We never have, and we never will. Stop holding that against us.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Damn. Well, now I know whose bugging Taurus for a free ride. Gemini’s streak of luck fell apart in spectacular proportions, and they’re finding themselves running up ridiculous amounts of Verizon minutes, trying to talk through this issue with everyone they know. Gemini, your ability to live in the moment is matched by hardly any other member of the Zodiac. While you’re normally living these precious minutes to the fullest, it also unfortunately means that you can’t see outside the moment when it starts to suck. You look at your empty fridge and say, “Holy shit, I’m going to starve like those kids in Africa!!!” completely forgetting that the direct deposit is hours from going through and you can go shopping. Count your blessings, you silly nut. Don’t forget to take your meds. The bi-polar stuff is starting to scare your roommate.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Last week was so weird. The end of the Retrograde brought with it phenomenal amounts of miscommunication. Our friends said “hi,” and we heard, “fuck off.” Our moms called to make sure we were still alive and we heard, “You’re worthless spawn.” Our lovers said, “I’ll talk to you later,” and we heard, “You suck in bed.” Don’t lie. It wasn’t just me. However, our chronic self-analyzing reminded us that we were just being crabby little water signs and that people do actually like us, for some reason. With the coming of our birthdays, we also decided we’re too old to be MyStalking our exes. Okay. That last part may have just been me. But you should all follow suit.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Another rough week for our Leos. The fooze-ball tournament ended in unparalleled failure for the Lions. Not only did they loose their previously held title, but their fooze-ball partner ran away with the new champion. For Christ’s sake, Leo…it’s a game where little plastic guys “kick” a little plastic ball! Why does everything have to be so dramatic? It’s time to go within and honor yourself as the true champion you know you are. Don’t let a stupid game better suited for drunken frat boys define who you are. There’s Scrabble and Playstation and all sorts of new people and games just waiting to waste more of your time…

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It took awhile, like an eon, for Virgo to finally stop mentally projecting to change the course of the river running through their lives, and put their fate in the Higher Power they (sort of) believe in. Virgo, if you haven’t yet done said action, it’s time to properly verbalize your fears and insecurities. You talk a lot, but rarely do you turn to your loved ones and say, “I need help.” Wait. I think this is the same reading I gave you last week. Are you still trying to do everything on your own? Forget it. I’m moving on to Libra.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
A red-headed bombshell of a Libra called the Convent this week with a question: “Why does everyone think Libras are superficial and materialistic?” The answer from the Cauldron read, “Because those assholes aren’t looking hard enough.” True. Libra, when people start to roll their eyes because you’re running back to the mall again, do what Sister Mary would do: lift the sacred middle finger and politely suggest that they bite you. You know you’ve dealt with enough of their b.s., anyway. If only these specific individuals knew you were spending all this cash on their surprise birthday party, they’d stop calling you “Capitalist Douchebag.” In fact, if anyone calls you douchebag, capitalist or not, drop that whole party idea and go buy yourself some shoes. That’ll show them.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, whatever chemistry experiment you had going on in your basement kind of exploded and blasted the false teeth out everyone you had chained up down there. (You like to do the enemies-closer thing….) On a less sadistic level, Scorpio obtained some knowledge this week that someone else tried to keep from them. So joyful they were to have exposed a secret, they momentarily overlooked the fact that this piece of information was rather damaging and kind of hurt their feelings. Despite what everyone says, Scorpio, Sister Mary knows you have feelings. And that’s okay. Now is not the time to seek revenge, or even constructive reconciliation. Sit back and observe what has happened, and (GASP!) your role in your own destruction. Learn from it. Then, you can go back to retaliation plans. Learning from it first will prevent it from happening again!

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Well, Sag…the road trip seemed like a good idea at first. You wanted to see some new things and hide from the people who keep trying to make you crazy. At first, you see…it was a good idea. Then, you picked up a hitchhiker who started talking to herself after the first exit, and then started fighting with strange alien forces you yourself could not see. When she turned on you, you were right to veer into the nearest bush and run screaming from your own vehicle. Sag, no other sign is so adept at making a complicated situation more insane. No matter how tempting, do NOT get back in the car with that hitchhiker. Besides, you’ve already wrecked the car. You’re wondering how you got into this situation, and deep down you know you didn’t listen to that whimpering little voice of wisdom and instinct. That’s right. The one trapped beneath the filing cabinet of your mind. Move the cabinet and make some good decisions.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn is unhappy this week. I vaguely recall this being an issue last week, too. In fact, it’s probably the same issue reincarnated in an uglier form that plans to fester like the weird orangey-red stuff that’s growing on your shower walls. Suddenly realizing that theirs might not be the most attractive bathroom in all the land, Capricorn has gone into a manic scrubbing frenzy. Not that it did any good. Turns out the tiles always looked that way. Air pollution is evident, my friend. Consider keeping the windows closed. Admit that there are some things about which you can do nothing. Hmm…this seems to be a recurring theme in this week’s column. Letting go of what you can’t control won’t necessarily mean you’ll be instantly happy (You are a Capricorn, after all…with the magical mind of steel), but it will ease the anxiety and the amount of money you’ll need to spend on Zanex.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Hmmm…you either knocked yourself or someone else up, or you finally had a brilliant idea that will make you lots of money. The key word from the Cauldron, Aquarius, is “fertility.” Now, you know you’re fabulous at having fabulous ideas. However, continuing to have great ideas doesn’t equate completion of any of them. I won’t use the word “commitment” on you (for that’s the surest way to run you away forever!!! ;). I instead will use the word “dedication.” That’s a noble word, isn’t it? To see your project to completion, you will need to be “dedicated” to it for a period of time. Could be a month, could be a year, could be eighteen years—depending on what it is you fertilized. The amazing thing is that you’ll find a remarkable sense of fulfillment by dedicated yourself to this thing. Completion is lovely. It will eventually leave and you can run around doing something else.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fishes have weathered several emotional ups and downs over the past few months. At least they’re good at letting the flow just happen. While the rest of us are fighting with the strange critters in our hearts that make our eyes want to spit, Pisces shrugs and says, “Eh. None of us will live that long, anyway. Try to be merry.” This docile attitude is finally going to begin to pay off for you, sweetie-pies. Long lost friends will return to the picture, which is about to start numerous new adventures. Here’s what sucks: none of it’s predestined. What happens to you for the next go while is due to your choices and selections. You’re not going to get the luxury of leaving it up to fate. Fate’s more interested in screwing with Gemini right now. You’re on your own.