Well, well, well…by the time most of you read this, the Retrograde will have passed. About time, right? Wasn’t this the most repulsive, confusing, Mercury in Retrograde ever to happen to humanity? The Convent received a record number of spell requests to figure out what the hell everyone was saying because everything came out, “bleck bleck.” We were unable to help, as all of our cauldrons malfunctioned. Yes, they’re electric and yes, devastated by the Retrograde. (We had to go techie, at some point.) I did an impromptu Ass-tro Hour in New London, CT over the weekend. Half of the audience couldn’t hear me, the sound system suddenly going on strike. The other half of the audience thought I was speaking Cantonese. Still got a few laughs, though.

Anyway, kids, it’s over as of Monday, July 9th! You’ll be free to go skipping down the lane, your ears open, your voice clear and your I-Pods no longer stuck on “My Sharona.” Just in time for my birthday!!!

Yep! Sister Mary is a Cancer. Did you guess that? Or did you think Cancers were much sweeter and blushed at sex talk? We’re so misunderstood. Some common stereotypes are true. We are the nurturers. Cancers are the healers, the romance novelists, the massage therapists, the chefs, the mommies and daddies and (of course) the smart-ass astrologers of the zodiac. Some of you get pissed at us because we do have a tendency to smother your problems away. However, you know that person you’re making that 3:00 a.m. weepy phone call to is indeed a Cancer. We’re the only ones who will actually pick up the phone at that time. In fact, we’ll probably weep for you, so you don’t have to! And then we’ll come over and make you lasagna for breakfast. That’s what nice people we are.

Zodiac books talk about Cancers being incredibly clingy. This isn’t quite correct. Most Cancers I know, myself included, actually need quite a bit of space—particularly on a moody day. We get clingy when we think we’ve hurt someone’s feelings or that someone is mad at us or doesn’t want to sleep with us anymore. We won’t stop calling until you’ve given us the chance to apologize profusely. Let us. You won’t be able to convince us that we didn’t screw up.

We’re honest, mostly because we make such lousy liars. We don’t always tell the whole truth (particularly when we don’t want to get caught ;), but you’d be hard pressed to catch a Cancer in a flat-out falsehood. We seem dogmatic and opinionated, but when you hear a Cancer say, “Oh! I would never...” chances are good they’re going to go do that thing the very next day.

It must have been a Cancer who coined the phrase, “Don’t fuck with my baby, BITCH.” The quickest way to upset a Cancer is to mess with someone they care about. This is why we make such good friends and lovers, but very nasty enemies. If you’ve been mean to someone, cross your fingers that they’re not involved with a Cancer. You won’t just find flaming poo on your doorstep—you’ll find flaming poo shoved up the tailpipe to your vehicle, too. We will eventually forgive (but not forget) something you do to us—but not to our loved ones.

As sweet as we are in most situations, Cancers can get very nasty when cornered or overtly criticized. Few signs can wield words as brutally as an angry Cancer. It’s extremely difficult for a Cancer to let go of a past hurt. It only hurts us in the end to keep harping on it—although we tend to believe that staying angry will cause the inflictor damage, somehow. We also expect people to be our mind readers, which they’re not—which confuses them and frustrates us. Our insecurities can eat us alive if we let them. Our wallflower moments can cause us to miss out on the fun. However, most Cancers are obsessed with astrology and know these things—so they work on them. If you don’t know your sign, ask a Cancer. They’ve probably already done your chart.

As lovers, we’re a roller-coaster ride. We’re extremely flirtatious, but highly selective. We’re infuriatingly moody, but that seems to be an addictive point. You know, as I’m typing this, my Cancerian insecurities are getting the best of me. I don’t know what to say about Cancers as lovers. I’m tempted to list the emails of my last six boyfriends and you can ask them (hee hee). Crap. Sorry, guys. Having a hard time with this one. If you’ve dated a Cancer and would like your experience listed in the next AstrologyExplained, feel free to email me at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com. No names will be used.

We do rock the sack, though. And we’ll make you breakfast in the morning.

So, to all the Cancers in my life: Jami, Juli, Dani, Mike, Michele, Amato, Kevin, Kodie and the Reigning Cancerian Queen Megz…Happy Birthday!!! God, I hope I didn’t forget one. Forgotten Cancers require immense crow-eating.

Welcome to the week of July 8-July 14!!! You made it this far…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hopefully safe from themselves, at last, Aries is ready to focus in on work this week. If you’re involved with an Aries, enjoy this rare time of having them go with the flow. They experienced much needed catharsis over the July 4th holiday. Blowing things up made Aries calm inside. Aries, the brick wall you’ve been slamming your head into for the past few weeks will suddenly give way. This time, your irritatingly stubborn nature helped you out. With that nasty problem out of the way, you simply won’t know what to do with all that free space in your mind! Of course, you’ll probably fill it back up with a cystic memory you simply refuse to release. And they say Cancers don’t let go of anything…

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I had yet another Taurus accuse me of being mean to Tauruses this weekend. To that, I say if they’d stop being Tauruses for a second and read this whole damn column instead of just their and their ex’s horrorscopes, they’d see how mean I am to everyone. J However, Taurus, I do have some better news for you this week. You did well to hole up and watch Mean Girls a couple dozen times last week. You came out of your solitude refreshed and enlightened. Most Tauruses even reached a new level of growth and maturity! They simply asked their roommate to stop leaving porn in the living room—instead of stuffing the pages with cat shit. Because of your new and effective communication style, you may even get asked out on a date. People will want to be around you this week because you’re being so sweet. (That was nicer, wasn’t it? I even meant most of it.)

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I know, I know. It sucks when what you were working so hard on fell all to pieces in one swift afternoon. A lay-off? A break-up? The roof fell through on the brothel you were building? Admit it. You may like brothels, but you didn’t like roofing. You’re not upset at the loss, you’re upset about all the time you put into something that fell apart so easily. Don’t be too upset. Think of all the nice hookers you met during the interview process. Some gifts we never lose. The skills you developed during this process are far more beneficial than what you were working on. If this is a relationship, you may have worked very hard to adapt to your ex’s vegan lifestyle—and even though they dumped you, your rice and beans way has left you all svelt, globally conscious and devastatingly attractive to all the lonely Buddhists on Dharmadate.com.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With the Retrograde slamming down directly onto our heads this month, it’s a miracle we didn’t jump off the planet. We showed them, though…whoever “they” are. Telling the ex that trying to stay friends was giving us a rash was the best thing we possibly could have done. Better yet, we were even nice about it when we said, “You’re a loser and always have been. But you have a lot of good qualities!” That was a growing thing for Cancers who can be pretty brutal when they’re bent out of shape about something. Yay for us! We’re learning. Unfortunately, toward the end of the week, we’re going to get trapped in a stuck elevator with the spouse of our last lover. And they know about the affair. And they carry sharp things in their bag. This situation is symbolic, fortunately. For most of us.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Aw…Baby Kitty! You had yourself a rough spill last week, didn’t you? You fell asleep on the subway and someone made off with your cash and the $200 worth of lingerie you’d just bought. It’s going to take you a lot of scrimping and saving to replace that lace. It’ll happen. And then you’ll fall asleep on the subway again. Stop doing that. And stop saying it’s not your fault. Geez, Leo. You refuse to take responsibility for your bad luck. Sometimes bad luck is the result of screwing up the same way you did last time. Get more sleep, stop drinking so much. Stand up when you ride if you have to. You’re letting a lot of fine underwear go to waste.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Universe had way too much to tell you this week. I had to condense it into the Reader’s Digest version: Weakness. Breakthrough. Standstill. Virgo, stop pretending everything is easy-peasy. No one can move the great refrigerators of life without assistance. Once you realize that your friends do want to help you move your fridge (many even have dollies and bungee cords!), you’ll avoid a second hernia. In fact, we know you’re still curled up on the couch from the last one. Oh. Wait. Moving your fridge still isn’t the big issue here. Well, once you move it you’ll see the dead cat behind it wasn’t as stinky as you thought. Your real issue is buried in the wall. You’ll definitely need some help for that one. Take time to reflect on the best way to chop through plaster.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Okay, Libra. You’ve been good for so long, it’s finally time to say, yes. Your prince/princess has arrived in a big golden coach pulled by white geese. You’re rich. You’re famous. You woke up with a perfect, cut body you didn’t have to pay for. None of this shit may be true, but you don’t care. Libra is happy. Everything worked out as you wanted it to. You deserve it, kiddo. I don’t want to ruin this, but that’s my job. No one gets as disappointed as Libra when clear skies go cloudy. Libra, that’s life. Don’t cling to this good time too hard—or get too pessimistic: “It’s too good to be true, it must be falling all to shit.” Accept that everything is temporary. To help you from collapsing into yourself, don’t forget to look around at the people in your life who may need help putting their mentalities back in order after that last part of retrograde.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, you too have occasion to be joyous. You’ve come into money, you’ve come into love, your voodoo doll worked and all of your exes have contracted the clap. Bwah, ha ha….you may be saying. Careful who you brag to about your accomplishments. I’m honing in on your paranoia for a reason. Everyone wants to kill you. That’s right. They’re jealous. Try extraordinarily hard to keep your bragging rights to your cat. Your cat doesn’t care, but probably wants you dead, too. Why are you being so chatty, anyway? Your suddenly open methods of communicating are freaking out this particular crab. If you don’t clam up, someone will drop a piano on your head and make it look like an accident. It will cause discomfort.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Heartbreak. Devastation. Amazon shipped your complete collection of Freaks and Geeks to some unworthy person who doesn’t even own a television. Sure, they credited you the cash and you could reorder, but you already spent it on hash. Now, you’re high and have nothing to watch. In times like these, you need to reach out to your friends and lovers. They may not have Freaks and Geeks, but they’ve got a wall full of classic Sex in the City. You may not bond with Carrie and her hens this time around either, but you’ll bond with your real friends. You are turning over a new leaf with those who care about you. Don’t watch too much t.v.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Remember that revelation last week? The one about if you overturning your IKEA trash pad and filling it with even more simplistic eco-friendly furnishings from a different Swedish company—one whose name you can’t pronounce? I feel as though I may have given you this reading before. I think it turned out the same. Actually, money can buy happiness. Temporarily. But it can’t buy spiritual fulfillment. Ever. You’ll be happy with your new, sleek couches, but then you’ll realize they left you so broke you’re scraping together Top Ramen meals out of the bag that was supposed to go to the food pantry. It’s a good thing, though. This period of being broke and hungry will provide the opportunity you need to full that void from within.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The dawning of your age is confusing the hell out of multiple societies. People across the globe are turning away from dogma and institution and turning to crazy individuals like me for answers. This is not your fault, Aquarius. I only needed to vent for a second. Your carefree, unattached and seemingly ambivalent attitude may continue to piss off your clingy lovers, but will serve you well in the coming days. Since you refuse to hold onto anything, the Universe will throw lots of fabulous opportunities your way. I see in my cauldron that you decide to leave your house naked one day this week—just for the experience of it. While you’re out, a scout spots you and puts you on a pilot called America’s Next Top Aquarius. Guess what? You’ll win!!! And your daddy said you’d never amount to anything…

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
You’ve had plenty of reason to celebrate, recently. The world has finally seen you for the sexy maternal copulator you always knew you were. One chapter ended, one new chapter begun. I do hope this new chapter is even juicier than the last, but with far less head and heartache. Actually, the Universe is giving you a “Choose Your Own Adventure” chapter this time. You don’t have to wait for the lines! This time, you get to write them. Now, start by writing some lines to get your free-loading brother-in-law out of the basement. His breath is starting to scare the kids. Your college buddies may need to fold up the tents and get out of the backyard. Jesus. How many hippies are you cramming into your house? This is getting ridiculous. Cut these ties before your spouse leaves you.