Major steam pipes bursting, tremendous thunderstorms, couples blowing apart…something crazy is going on in the Cosmos, friends and lovers! As you’ve surely noticed, we’re all feeling tremendous pressure that doesn’t seem to want to give up until it pounds us in our nuts and ovaries a few more times. Can’t even blame it on the Retrograde, this time. Sister Mary wishes she had an Astrological explanation for you. More so, she wishes she could get back up into the sky and slay that ass-hat of a dragon that’s causing all this drama. Unfortunately, she has too many charts to draw this week.
This week, our little Zodiac warriors will be called upon once again to eliminate bullshit in their lives and those around them. Time to pull everyone into the Holy Conference Room to air out grievances. Quick suggestion: demand that each participant wear a giant plastic penis on their head. The ridiculous appearance of each individual will minimize the amount of bloodshed, and maximize the amount of cathartic hugs and impromptu orgies. You, of course, will subtract yourself from the plastic penis exercise which will inevitably piss off your subordinates. Either do a better job at hiding your hypocrisy, or give up hypocrisy all together. (Just wear the plastic penis.)
Taurus, this was a difficult week for you. Your jobless roommate snatched your copy of the latest Harry Potter, read it while you were at work blabbed out the end when you walked in the door. You were a victim in this incidence, Taurus. While we all must discover our role in our own suffering, most of misfortune was out of your control. It will take all of your strength and resolve not to press the pillow into your roommate’s face while they sleep—but Taurus, this is strength you must find. Believe that loss also provides opportunity. Go out to the bookstore and find another cultish-pop-cultural-read, devour the whole thing before they make another movie.
Gemini figured that the best way to deal with being lost in translation that they went out and ordered the Rosetta Stone thing they saw on late night t.v. They learned Spanish, French and Swahili—yet it did nothing to help them learn to actually communicate. Their friends, lovers and significant others are still throwing their hands in the air: “WHY DON’T YOU EVER LISTEN?” Yet, you’re still hearing, “Lemonade?” Gemini, it’s time to put away the manuals and the headphones. The tangible things you are using to make your life easier are actually making everything a far bigger pain in the ass. I realize you’re confused, so I’ll use smaller words: “Put-down-toys. But-present-for-honey.”
Hmm….looks as though the Crabs have been spending too much time with Gemini this week. Well, the good news is that we worked hard on our respective bake sales, and even if we weren’t raking in all the dough (Yeesh. Horrible, unintentional pun…), we certainly got a lot of stars from the local critics. Now, it’s time to fire all the workers who nibbled the profits. That’s right! While we’re in this time of miscommunication and confusion, it’s a good time to put priorities in order and get rid of crap that’s prohibiting us from making more cash and connections. Crabs rarely feel like anyone understands a word they’re saying. That’s certainly not going to change, this week anyway. Might as well make some mula and spring a vacation for ourselves.
Excuse me, Gemini and Cancer would like to buy some of whatever glue Leo is sniffing this week. The neurons destroyed by said action have somehow provided a moment of clarity. The frustrations Leos have felt over the past few weeks have exploded into giggles and cuddles all around. Quick note of caution for our pretty kitties: You’re likely to fall in love and want to try eloping to Vegas again. Last time you tried this, the story ended with a dead hooker and a box of doughnuts. Jail time, too, if the flying monkeys remember correctly. Leo, if you do fall in love this week, try to take it slowly. Give it at least a second coffee date before you bring the U-Haul.
The Virgins of the Universe cleaned out their Cosmic garages this week. It took the neighbors filing a city ordinance complaint about the smell, but at least it happened. Crap. Now the ASPCA discovered your Playboy Bunny—breeding experiment. Yeah, the one you forgot all about and not only have the Bunnies created a Matriarcal/Communist colony you must dismantle, but you’ve got a bunch of angry vegan feminists hurling tempeh and tampons at your front door at all hours of the night. Sometimes cleansing these dark corners requires more work than simply hauling old clothes to the sidewalk. You’re, again, being taught patience, O Impatient Virginal one. Seriously, though. The bunny thing was a bad idea.
Okay, Libra. One more me-me-me spree and we’re throwing your asses off the planet. You are hereby commanded by the Flying Monkeys of the Cauldron to take a break from your banter and do seven Downward Dogs and get some blood back into your head. You’re screaming at your computer screen, “But this ISN’T about me!!!” You think you’re trying to do right for others by camping out on their stoop long after the relationship was ended. But do they really need your sweet lovin’, or do you need them to need your sweet lovin’? Knowing when it’s time to get off the stoop is the sign of the wizened warrior. Knowing when to let go can save you the trouble of the restraining order.
Ah, Stinger King or Queen…depression and blocks come in fits and waves to all of us. No one enjoys misery more than Scorpio, and the past week provided plenty of it. However, once you got tired of staring at the dungeon walls, you decided to go back upstairs and ask for a new dominatrix—one with a sunnier name like June. Snakebite, the bitch, was bringing you down and even that was getting dull. Embracing the opposite of what you knew to be right for you will bring you fresh opportunities and quite possibly, the coveted multiple orgasm. Enjoy this fertile period of exploration…you’ve certainly begged for it long enough.
Ha! Sag has been caught leafing through their old diaries and scouring for lost lovers on Facebook. Hee hee hee…and you like to play the “It’s all in the past” game. We knew you were sentimental. Like it or not, Sag, you too have been holding onto a hurt you should have let go long before. In addition, Sag likes to run head-first into the same brick wall that gave them a concussion a few times before—just to prove that it didn’t really hurt. While it’s quite entertaining to the rest of us who have nothing better to do but watch, it may be causing you permanent damage. You don’t have to admit outright that you were hurt (it’s not like you can hide it, though), but quit that shit before we have to take you back to the ER.
This week, Capricorn, we’re going to talk all about relationships!!! That’s right little ones, strengthening ties with the ones you love will be all consuming in the coming days. You’ll need to listen as well as talk, you’ll need to pay for the whole meal, not just your portion. You may even need to break out the toys your partner is always asking for, even though they creep your shit out. When things get frustrating, as they surely will, you may be tempted to scour the personals for someone better. At this junction, you won’t find it. Not only will any new person who comes along have heaps more baggage, they’ll have hygiene issues as well. Stick with what you’ve got. At least your person brushes their teeth regularly.
Normally sexy bar fly Aquarius is having troubles at the moment getting laid. Perhaps it’s in the cosmos, but more likely it’s just in the timing. Aquarius loves to hide in chaos, but this time even the Universe is pulling away all distractions. If you don’t have the resources to sublet your place and go hang out in the
Pisces’ week began with a blast from the maternal-copulating past. Maybe you got an email from an old friend, but more likely you’re experiencing massive quantities of deja-vu so intense you plan on spending the rest of the week looking for the marble at the bottom of the Guinness bottle. Stop that. You’re supposed to be reminded of something you’re hiding from. Some boy/girl scout badge never got completed and the Great Den Mother in the sky is tying up all the loose ends on her list. Instead of facing this person or issue head-on, you’re pacing your apartment worried to death about screwing up again. Look within. You’ll be delighted to discover that you do indeed have the answers, and don’t have to spend the eighty bucks to get your therapist’s take.
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