Gemini Moon and Saturn to Share...have your meds handy.

Your Horrorscope forecast this week indicates that if you are in the New York area this weekend…you will find yourself at Stain Bar…for the greatest Saturday night in the world!

The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Saturday, Oct. 6, 9:00 PM
Stain Bar
766 Grand Street,Brooklyn
(L to Grand, walk 1 block west)
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE

Sister Mary’s monthly showcase of the fabulously weird and deliciously creepy continues!!! Show up and get your ass-trological questions answered and take your turn at the Magic Microphone--the only mic in New York City guaranteed to grant wishes within three days. Special guests: The Blood Brothers. Dug from the darkest part of the city's unconscious, these two ghouls will both chill and charm you with tales of the freaky. Enjoy local wines, beer and a view of the hottest nun in town. Basically, just show up. You'll be so very, VERY glad you did....;)

Welcome to the week of September 30-October 6!!! Onward and sideways!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Aries, you’re absolutely going to need to try that meditation thing to make it through this week. The moon is starting out in Gemini, which means people are going to be more indecisive than usual about pretty much everything. If you’re dating someone, particularly a Gemini (god forbid THAT crazy combination…), plan some retreat time away from them. The park. The library. Bellevue. Not the bar. Avoid getting loaded as you’re more likely than usual to verbally explode all the crazy things you keep bottled up between your horns. It has been said by wise philosophers that only at the moment when morons can piss us off no further, do we learn to love the moron in every person. Focus on that while grinding your teeth this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Nothing unusual to report for Taurus this week—except to say that all Cosmic Bulls will end up hopelessly rich and terribly famous and laid several times before the end of the week. That was what you were hoping to read, right? I’m sure that will happen to some Taurus, somewhere, but all Bulls everywhere are cleaning up broken plates and femur bones after some spat with someone they’re crazy about. And, per usual, Taurus can be found weeping into their soy lattes, wracked with guilt for having unleashed the inner bull, and not having a clue about how to go back and fix it. How about picking up the phone? Invite that person to come share in that soy latte. Actually, you’ll probably have to shell out $4 and buy it for them—which isn’t your favorite thing to do—but the giving and the listening and the all powerful “I’m so terribly, terribly sorry for having gone nuts on you” will do wonders for a glorious reunion.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Your own moon this week will have you talking in circles about all to all present—and even those not so present. Gemini, sometimes the voices in our heads make the best listeners. Don’t let either of your feelings get hurt when people get short with you this week. They’re just as confused as you are by the presence of your moon—which leads to indecision and random barroom make-out parties with people normally considered icky. You may find this week that people are not returning your phone calls. You may even find them making ridiculous excuses to leave the party as soon as you show up. This should only be taken quasi-personally. First of all, they’re as confused about the little things as you are. Second, who cares? This is one of those clearing sessions when you get the opportunity to see who your true allies are. A true friend is one that puts up with verbal vomit, even when they’re sick to death of it. And buys you beer to distract you.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ummm….Mars showed up in our house today. Come ON, Cosmos…haven’t you tortured your Cancerians ENOUGH? Of course not, and it’s all about us. NO other signs are EVER bottle-banged by the Great Drunk Up Above like we are. This week, we’re going to be crankier than usual. It’s a good time to air grievances. Inform your lover that bathing the nether regions needs to happen before you perform down there from now on. Tell your upstairs neighbors to drug the kids so they’ll stop the stomping. With the potential tongue-lashing native to Cancerians, sometimes we’re wont to resort to the Angry Blog or the Pissy Email rather than the confrontation, which tends to draw blood. Our best course of action this week would be to wait until Mars leaves our sector, second course of action is the Angry Blog. Meanwhile, cry a little and write some bad poetry.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Venus is slowly making her return and when she waltzes through Leo’s realm this week, she’s bringing with her a blast from the past. Did you take Sister Mary’s advice and shack up with your Cancerian ex? Hmmm….that probably wasn’t the best idea. Sorry about that. Don’t get angry. Why are you taking sex advice from a nun anyway? Something about this past-blast will provide some much needed closure and even a strange sort of peace of mind. Careful, Leo. Watch your sentimental trigger. The crazy bitch or bastard hasn’t changed all that much. Be glad that you got to hug and say “sorry” and smile about all the Karmic things you learned from them, but don’t be terribly disappointed when they’re still doing all the same crap that made you guys fall apart the first time.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Has anyone noticed abnormally stressed-out Virgos climbing all sorts of cubicle walls? Yeah…Sister Mary was a bit slow to report that Saturn left poor Leo at the beginning of the month and is now residing in Virgo. Saturn—planet of the F*CKED UP—will be taking a nice long vacation in Virgo. Like, a three year long vacation. It’s also going to be affecting your Gemini, Sag and Pisces friends, but you’re going to feel the brunt of it. Worry over inane shit is nothing new to Virgo, but they’re just now beginning to feel the nasty crunch of the cash flow and the natural chi. Virgo, you’re simply going to have to take better care of yourself. Go organic. Do it, and quit the cigs. All the nasties are going to make things even more complicated for you in these early days of your Saturn visit.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hope you’re still having a fabulous birthday month!!! This week, try to get all of your housekeeping stuff in order as the Gemini moon is going to make you even more indecisive about everything. Make your sig-oth (Wow. New phrase there.) pack your lunches for you under the guise of “It’s my BIRTHDAY MONTH, damnit!” all the while saving you the time of deciding between tofu and bologna. But if you’re going to order people around, make sure you do your share of cleaning up after them. While your partner is busy making your food, take this opportunity to get rid of the three years of New Yorkers they “keep meaning to” throw away. Don’t touch the Hustlers. You might like them too, if you give them a chance. Your goal for this week is to avoid having to make decisions—since you won’t be able to—and to give porn a chance.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Ha ha ha…distracted mortals abound! Scorpio praises the Gemini moon for distracting their friends and lovers. While they’re running in circles, Scorpio can run through their purses. You’re not being accused of theft, Scorpio, but of being nosey. Actually, you could use a delightful distraction. A chord of heartache has hit Scorpio this week—and they, actually, may not even deserve it! It looks as though something said in your direction was taken too personally. Guess what, Scorpio? Most people aren’t plotting your demise. A few are, granted, but the majorities aren’t even thinking about you! That could be almost as painful to hear as the thought that someone out there may think you’re a douche. Continue digging through Livejournals, hack someone’s email account. Hell, go read some of that stuff about Burma. It could be so much worse…

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you may recall that Jupiter entered your realm a little before Christmas last year. Jupiter is the little bugger that gets under your skin and makes you all philosophical and annoy your friends with drunken rants on Marx or Rand or Krishna or whatever it is that you’re into this week. The good news—for them, anyway—is that you’ll either find the philosophical path you’re meant to follow before the end of the year, when Jupiter leaves, or you’ll get reinvested in normal things. Like your job. Basically, whatever concepts have had your mind spinning over the past year will easily fit into the life you live now. Hypno-dominatrix theory was just that—theory—but now seems to be working out quite well for you. It will seem more mundane, and you’ll probably want a new hobby. Be patient. Distractions are on the way.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
With so many of our zodiac brethren losing their minds during the Gemini moon, you’re going to be required—again—to mommy/daddy the crazies and get them in order. Don’t be too pushy. Simply use your resourceful Capricorn ways to leave out cute little maps with colorful arrows, and let them think they’ve thought of all of it themselves. In addition, the monkeys want you to know that whatever it is that you’re currently planting, be it plans for your house or starting a business or cultivating a magical crop of mushrooms, it’s going to take awhile. Imagine yourself a year from now reading AstrologyExplained and seeing, “Told you so!!! You made a lot of cash on that slow growing crop!!!” That’s exactly what will happen. Buy Sister Mary dinner with the money you make. Think of all that she does for you!!!

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You, who spend so much of your life so distracted, you only become confused when you’re focused, won’t notice much new chaos during the Gemini moon. You’ve had to cut a lot of ties in the past year and this has given way to lots of space to play around in. Now that the trustafarians have been properly sent back to the suburbs, you can use the space they used to take up in your living room to do all the naked paint angels you’ve been wanting to do! Thoroughly exciting…It looks as though new people, concepts and opportunities are coming for you, Aquarius. Let’s hope they’re hot and funny and carry flasks of green liquor. That’s Sister Mary’s Aquarius fantasy, anyway.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, Sister Mary has now determined part of your problem. You’re experiencing Virgo’s Saturn. That means you’re also feeling the brunt of the planet of annoyances. Watch your depression meter—don’t allow yourself more than three days in the padded room. Eventually, you will need to shower. Most Pisces have experienced loss in some form over the past year and were pretty pissed about it. The good news is that those Pisces who didn’t drink away their irritations, used it to fuel the rebuilding process. Keep in mind, Pisces, that rebuilding the harem can take awhile. You’re usually pretty good with the patience thing, but nasty-ass Saturn is going to test it by throwing red tape and b.s. into the mix. She’s good that way. It will build character, so don’t get too frustrated too soon.