And...we're back!!!!

Ah, the retrograde has passed at last…so if you’re still finding yourself returning phone calls without promptness, rolling into work disheveled and hungover, crashing computers with illegal downloads and copious pornography—the only heavenly body you can blame is your own. The gloriously sinister Scorpio moon is a great time for garnering power. The Libra moon will keep you in balance, however, so that you don’t end up turning yourself into a great Lord/Lady of Destruction. While you’re twitching your mustaches over this one, don’t forget to make your weekend plans!!!

The Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Sat 11.10 @ 9PM Stain Bar
(766 Grand Street, Brooklyn. Take the L to Grand—walk one block west)
$FREE
www.stainbar.com

This month: the Scorpio Birthday Party! You don't have to be a Scorpio to show up, but if you are a Scorpio, you DEFINITELY should because you'll get all the attention you crave, plus there will be a cake! Special guests Jennifer Glick will read Cosmo's Bedside Astrology Guide and Larissa Fuchs of Gemini and Scorpio will speak on the art of Scorpio seduction. Co-Hosted by Hymen: The Demon Puppet of Awesome.

Welcome to the week of November 4-10!!! Sister Mary missed you dreadfully…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Slow and steady wins the race, right? Yeah. Sure. Try to tell an Aries that. In fact, try and tell that to anyone who just finished running the New York marathon. Actually, don’t try and tell an Aries that. The steam will increase and blow their ears right off. Actually, Aries, you’ve had to put that annoying theory to the test this year and drum your fingers while watching the paint dry on your masterpiece. The good news is that the Great Bastard in the Sky will be supplying you with a special helper on this long-winded journey. Don’t do your Aries thing and fold up. This person or persons, no matter how “special” they may be, will supply some much needed inspiration to finish that goddamn project. You’ll probably need to buy these helpers dinner, so don’t spend too much money on bootleg DVDs this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you who’s supplying Aries’s inspiration! It kind of looks as though they’re going to run off with it, so you’d better cash in on that dinner arrangement. Actually, whatever you’re stuck on has to do with your still analyzing why the July Cape Cod fling in June never called. It wasn’t Vegas or anything. You should have at least gotten an email, right? Taurus, you’re tailspinning in something that’s not important and it means your flashes of brilliance are coming through kinda dim and icky-smelling. Stop being cranky about things not going your way and go buy a new outfit. Get some kick-ass boots to go with it so you can appropriately kick some ass, which you’re going to have to do come week’s end. Be ready—in style.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Oh, you poor thing. Some kind of door had to be closed this week for Gemini. That’s right. You may have had to fire a dozen or so of your lovers which makes you sad, because they were so much fun in the sack—even if they turned out to be such randy skanks of human beings in the real world. That’s okay. You learned that one only needs three or four kind-hearted, sweet and loving bedmates and not a football team of flakey ones. Sister Mary sees in the cauldron some type of disruption toward the end of the week, so whether that’s a flat tire, a terrible cold, a terrible rash or simply a minor mental breakdown, this so-called moment of bad luck will give you the chance to survey what is lovely and delicious about your life and the opportunity to figure out ways to multiply that. Attempt to focus, You of the ADD Tendencies. Helpful bad luck doesn’t always come as often as we’d like.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With Mars STILL in our realm, it’s safe to say that Cancerians STILL aren’t fully fit for human interaction. A more sane world would provide Cancerian Spas for times when the War Planet is taking a dump on our heads—a place for Cancerians to do mud masks, eat comfort foods and take things far too personally, far away from the rest of society. However, we don’t live in that sane world. Cancerians still have to get their crabby asses out the door and to the job. Like Gemini, we too are going to run across a helpful distraction. If we are in the car with the Gemini when the tire goes flat on the side of the spooky, scary freeway, we will need to take this moment to close our eyes and ears to the Gemini panic-chatter and go within to our happy place. Cultivate warm, fuzzy feelings from within and attempt to bring them closer to the surface. Once we get through the first streak of Helpful Bad Luck, we’re going to run across some Less Than Helpful Bad Luck which may just send us into a weeping coma if we’re not ready for it.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The week will start out rather quiet for our frisky Leos, who are probably still nursing themselves back to sobriety after their Halloween festivities. It is safe to say that you, Leo, were definitely the sexiest cat in the place. But something happened at this party that made you want to return to your safe little place beneath the couch, but you’re being good and getting that upper lip as stiff as can be! This is a good time to ignore the want-to-be-helpful-but-kinda-make-it-worse people who will pepper you with unwanted advice. Instead, take a few words from the guy asking for cash in a paper cup on the sidewalk. He’s the one who has all the answers. The unlikely piece of wisdom you find may bring you to sniffles and tears, but you needed to get it out anyway. No sense turning mildewy on the inside.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, goody! Not only is Virgo wading through the frustrations inherit when Saturn comes to play, but now Venus is making a visit as well! This doesn’t (necessarily) mean, Virgo, that you’re going to get dumped or stood up or matched with someone lame at a Speed Dating meet-up. It does mean, however, that your chronic analyzing will be turned to matters of the heart. When the little cartoon hearts are suddenly nowhere to be found, it’s a good time to sit and look into that magic mirror (Mammy Superior has one. I can arrange for you to borrow it, if you want.) and concoct the perfect person to ride up on horseback. Ignore for a second that you probably live in a place where horses aren’t around, that you don’t quite believe in magic mirrors and that Mammy Superior scares you. You, Virgo, are taking the beauty out of your reading by analyzing it too much. Just try the magic mirror—even if it’s only the one in your head. Someone unbelievably sexy will look back at you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, the moon being in your sign this week is good for the majority of people—we’re going to pick up on your naturally sympathetic, let-it-go, shop until you drop the blues mentality. It’s not great for you, however, because you’re going to take even longer than usual deciding between pumpkin spice and eggnog lattes. Yeah, your moon is going to provide some rancid indecision. But, as it seems to be the theme through the cosmos this week, you’re also going to experience a breakthrough which will help you decide on at least one of the issues at present. Then, of course, you’re going to freak out and wonder if the tattoo can be removed or changed. Maybe you shouldn’t have put your lover’s initials on your forehead? Maybe somewhere more discreet? Take some time to be alone with your tattoo (this is symbolic for “decision”) and accept that it’s been made and can’t be changed. Chances are you’re going to grow to love your lover even more than the weird tattoo on your forehead. You can always grow bangs.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Whether you’ve been characteristically hiding from the celebrations surrounding your birth, or whether you’re actually allowing yourself to enjoy them this year, you are wise to keep your eye on the barfly chatting up your boy/girlfriend. Your sign makes everyone feel more powerful and sexier. Of course, you’re Scorpio and knew this was coming long before. Sucks to be psychic, doesn’t it? Cancerians understand. Some people might call us all paranoid, but we all know better. Anyway, watch out for dropped calls and miscommunications. You’re still getting the Karmic backlash for allowing Mercury to Retrograde through your sign. You can say it’s not your fault, but you’re going to be blamed for it, anyway. Careful who you get pissed at in the coming days. More people are likely to delete your from their Facebook, as your sign also brings the tendency to mistake friends for douchebags.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Ah, endings endings are no fun. Endings, endings, drink some rum. This time, you’re too tired from the drama to even give the situation another try. It’s a quality many a Taurus, Capricorn and (eek) Cancerian could learn from—we who never let anything go. It’s a good time to go manic and clean out the stacks of moldy dirty mags—some so dirty even Sister Mary isn’t allowed to mention them. Fortunately, your last few weeks with Jupiter in your sector is keeping you mindful of that super-annoying “big picture.” That’ll help you through this particular ending, but may make you come across as an aloof asshole. It’s not true, but other people might get pissy with you for it. Your next phase (don’t ask me when it starts. My flying monkeys are taking a wee.) is going to be whatever you want it to be. Which is deftly cool. Make sure you fill that void with something delicious.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Scorpio time is a confusing one for our pragmatic, down to earth Goat friends. People are acting all shady, feels as though everyone is talking in riddles. You are not alone in your frustration. Some of us like the chaos. Capricorn doesn’t. But the world (this time) isn’t gearing up to make you miserable. The Universe is giving you a blank slate to keep you quiet for a little while. Use it to draw something pretty and make this time into something fabulous. Unfortunately, this mumbo-jumbo Scorpio time is going to make some kind of communication confusing on the home front. Be sure to use extra-small words with your partner. However, even in the midst of plate-throwing and rolling-pin injuries, some kind of clarity is going to come through. Yay! You get your own breakthrough to take home with you! Use it wisely and do NOT allow it to seed more drama. Watch a soap, if you need distraction that badly.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This is not like you, Aquarius. Must be the Scorpio influence. Now YOU’RE not getting over something that should have been gotten over, like, an eon or two ago. Now, your drastic action is to run away run away run away. This is a very bad idea. You’ll hurt someone’s feelings and even though you’ll forget it ever happened, they’re not likely to forget and won’t want to play with you when you call them next month to see what’s up. The next word from the cauldron (well, wordS) says DON’T BE HASTY YOU CRAZY NUT. It only looks as though you’re getting a shorter reading this week. That’s because you only have one message.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Some kind of sadness and strife came to visit our fish friends this week. Pisces, whether it was you who left the cigarette burning while you took a nap or your neighbor…you’ve been wandering around picking up the pieces of what used to be your life. This happens often for Pisces, so you usually keep super-glue handy. Now, you get your very own breakthrough as well! That’s terribly exciting. Use it to move forward and change stuff up—don’t do your usual thing of sitting there and staring at this new jewel of knowledge and doing nothing about it. You’re going to have to be strong in the coming days as some knucklehead is going to crawl out the woodwork and screw with you during your vulnerable time. Kick ‘em in the nuts, if you have to. If you insist on being passive, at least give them the finger before you walk away. You heard it here first, Pisces.