WELCOME TO SISTER MARY MANHATTAN’S HOLIDAY WAREHOUSE!!!
Perfect for all of your Christmas/Kwanzaa/Hanukah/Solstice needs…
The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)
The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)
The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)
The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)
To purchase or for further information, drop Sister Mary an email at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com
Welcome to the week of November 18-24!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet finally going into blessed Retrograde…our Aries friends took the opportunity to listen, learn and let their s.o. or buddy or whoever get a word in for once. Their clammed-up position over the past few weeks finally gave way…but, now you’ve got to listen to them. Uh-oh, it looks as though Aries is going to disagree. Practice some of those yoga breaths (you did take a class once, if you recall!) and back away slowly. This one is not worth the battle. The good news is that this frustrating communication (so long as you pull the horns in) will provide the beginnings of better communication in the long run! Bite your lip and let the other person win. This time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Not a bad beginning for Taurus this week, who is going to have a momentous break-through and solve the climate crisis or something. Maybe you’ll beat Paris Hilton in the founding of the Pachyderm AA group! Whatever it is you do to save the world this week, Taurus, don’t think it’s going to be easy. Inspiration is the easy part, as it turns out. And lots of obstacles are going to pop up like the teen-porn spam in your inbox. The main thing that’s going to screw you up this week will be hasty decisions. Hear that? No eloping, even if you’ve known the person for more than a week. Try super hard to listen to other people’s ideas. A couple of them might actually help you save the world. It’s tough going on your own.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Chaotic events of the past few weeks led to the rare—but not unheard of—Gemini retreat to the bedroom. While this is good for your own sanity, your unshowered body is gathering complaints from neighbors two floors up. Besides, your friends miss you because things are boring without Gemini. They may even disown you. Kind of a worst-case scenario, but why take the risk? Actually, relationship ruptures are pretty likely this week and should one happen, it was probably time and you knew it months ago. Fortunately, this room on your dance card leaves for many new lovers and friends far sexier than the old ones. So-and-so was getting a little doughy, anyway. You were just too nice to say anything. Intentionally.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Well, Mars is still kind of hanging around. The War Planet is in retrograde, which means it’s leaving—thank Goddess. So while we’re finally getting re-attuned to our peaceful, nurturing selves we missed so much, we’re also getting kind of lazy. Remember how we pumped the friggin’ elliptical every night at the gym to bust some of that crazy aggression out? We really can’t give into our sudden bouts of laziness in the season of Mashed Potatoes and Mommy’s pumpkin pie. A bit of depression may come along with the Mars retrograde, since we’re suddenly feeling less creative and less able to kick the asses of the other Cardinal signs. Remember that it’s okay to cry into our red wine, so long as we don’t drink the whole bottle. Try to have some kind of restraint.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Did last week ever improve? Even a little? The Flying Monkeys are saying that yes, indeed, you did stick up that pretty little chin and muscle through the b.s. Good kitty! Now, you promisepromisepromise not to drag last week’s ridiculousness into this one? Pretend the bad things never happened and Sister Mary promises that the Universe will follow suit. You can pout all you want but it’s only going to make us avoid you at the bar. Just be glad you’re not Gemini. Did you read their reading this week? They’re far worse off than you. In fact, go make some money. If you don’t have a job, go panhandle. It will distract you from your problems and then you can go buy something pretty. You like pretty, don’t you?
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
What to say to you, Virgo? Ye who only reads this for avoiding bad news. This week, Virgo, you have the ability to do just that if you just shut up. The annoying situation you currently find yourself in is probably your own doing, but just as likely it’s from a series of chaotic events. You can’t stick your fat nose in it this time. If you do, you’re only going to make it worse. Dust off that rubix cube and distract yourself for twenty minutes while the other helmet-cases try to get out of it. The flying monkeys also think it’s a good time for you to lose the books you know you’ll never re-read, and ditch the beanbag chair. It smells and is keeping you from getting laid. There are other areas of your life that need ass-kicking, and guaranteed, they’re not the areas you’ve been focusing on for the last few weeks.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
With your home planet still where it belongs, with you—pretty Libra—you’ll find that this week, you’re still focusing on romance, friendships, romance, family relations, romance, sex, and romance. It’s cheap entertainment, anyway. Especially if you’ve managed to con the kitten you’re dating into paying. Be careful you’re not so into making the relationships work that you’re compromising yourself into a therapy session. Stand your ground. Don’t foresee devastating break-ups for most Libras this week (although it’s surely happening somewhere), so don’t be afraid to dig your little heels into the concrete. Unless you spent a lot of cash on those heels. Communication will be difficult for you this week. Mercury, communication planet, is still in Stupid Scorpio, which means conversations are going to be weird and stilted. Expect it and let it go.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Continue to hone your plans for world domination. We’re all still running in circles while the Communication Planet is still in your world of double-speak. Ha ha ha…says Scorpio. “I shall align the planets so that it shall ALWAYS be such!!!” Nice try, evil one. Even you are incapable of such a thing. The flying monkeys send a warning—lock up your possessions, your lovers and your kids. The Drama Train is coming your way and plans to knock you on your ass, first. The good news is that while it’s gonna SUCK…it’s also gonna move away the psychic clutter preventing you from getting your shit done. You’ll be glad once it’s over, so take deep breaths and drink heavily in the meantime.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
As you’re making your grand exit out of Weird Thinking Land (brought to you by eighteen months of Planet Jupiter…) keep a watchful eye on your belongings and cash in the coming days. Don’t get so drunk you leave your credit card with the bartender for a week. Watch how many morons borrow dough from you. You’re going to need to be a little more selfish in the coming weeks. Sister Mary has already explained the situation to the Hanukah Fairy, so you won’t come up short on presents this year. Santa, on the other hand, may require some bribery. The reason you need cash is because Planet Suck is bouncing on the great trampoline in the sky. While most of it’s on Virgo, you’re going to feel the ricochet and it’s not going to be pretty. Keep a nice cushion of cash on hand for your Taurus buddies to come bail you out of jail. Hope you’re currently on good terms with all of them.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Avoiding people was a smart move last week, as it kept you in a safe place while the rest of the world went to Hell. Now, since you’re in a position of such strength, now would be a good time to start gathering and garnering your ass-ets. Don’t start bugging your boss for a raise. It’s the holiday season for Christ’s sake! You’re not going to get anywhere with that. But you can start sucking up in a big way. Don’t go cheap on your office holiday presents—but don’t be too extravagant either. The coming New Year will continue to bring you an increase in power and prestige among those who know and love you—and even those who think you’re kind of a shit sometimes. It’s back to that friggin’ blank canvas thing you’ve been getting so much lately. You’re going to take from the world what you put into it, so don’t start out by whining over what you don’t have. You’ll only get whimpering back. Kinda would suck to start the year like that. Start out on top. If you like it that way.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You nut. While you were off promoting or planning or hunting and executing, something was left undone at the homefront and you’re going to be sleeping on the couch for the next few nights. That’s okay. This wake-up call from your loved ones will bring you much needed clarity and you’ll stop taking your sweeties for granted. Now, you’re going to be required to pick up at least one stinky mess that you didn’t create. It’s your turn, so don’t avoid it. You, like Capricorn, have a blank slate coming in the New Year. Don’t fill it up with cocaine, fill it up with sunshine or some shit like that. Enjoy your holidays, but this time, you’re going to either have to pick up the tab on a few extra cabs or plan to be the designated driver a few times. Other people have picked up your drunk ass enough times.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Take a deep sip from the flask, Senor/ita Pisces. Your upcoming Holiday season will require such action. Expect a mess of emotion to come flying out with the gravy this Thanksgiving and you, again, will be required to be the friggin’ conduit of hope. “All is well!” Pisces will lie. But their extended families will be grateful for such a falsehood. Make sure to take time away from the madness so your blood boils only minimally. Hate to tell you this, but the Great Bastard in the Sky is providing you with another test of patience. Of course, that’s the grand scheme out of all holidays, but this one will prove particularly poignant in taking care of such things. Be the shoulder to cry on and the box that provides the Kleenex. It will come back to you, 69-fold. Sister Mary promises.
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