Turkey is done...but Sister Mary's Warehouse lives on!!!!

Why shop online or at the mall when you can help your favorite asstrologer nun pay off rehab? Super-cool holiday presents for you and yours!!! Email sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com for further details.

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

Welcome to the week of November 25 –December 1…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
When we last left Aries, our favorite Rams were attempting to breathe slowly and evenly to weather their family affairs. It looks as though the coming week won’t provide much relief from irritation. You know what Aries loves? Standing in long lines to buy crap they don’t need during a Gemini moon when people are running their mouths like a flesh and blood web feed. (No, they don’t.) Aries, you may need to up your Prozac to temper your inner-Scrooge. The Holiday season is just beginning, but the booze-drenched parties haven’t. Work on getting some more time for yourself or you’re going to have a mess of friends calling Sister Mary for coal delivery.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With your home planet still hanging out in balanced Libra, don’t start digging up drama just because you’re bored. The new ADD-fused Sag energy and chatter-box Gemini lunar influences increase the potential of migraines on those people around you, and you really don’t need to be adding to that. This week will provide calm seas, so maybe get a jump on your Christmas shopping now that the Shopping weekend lines are winding down. The Flying Monkeys are warning you, however, not to get distracted by swishy fabrics that make your ass look fabulous when you need to buying pretty guest towels for Grandma.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Thank god you snapped out of that lousy mood. We were all starting to get bored. With Mr. Hyde stuffed back in the Prozac bottle, you’re in a fabulous mood to start your Holiday Binging. Oops. Looks like there are more problems on the homefront. Remember that fight you had with your mom/dad/spouse/cousin/milk man/cable guy/domme? Yeah, you forgot all about that, didn’t you? Well, they didn’t. Start buying flowers because people are ready to kick your flakey ass to the curb. Despite your impulse to share your manic thoughts (which is going to be hard, since it’s your moon causing so much indecisive blah-blah). You’d be better off listening right now.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Most of we Cancers slept through the last four days, and only part of that was the anti-Atkins coma. Mars is dragging its sweet ass out of our sign, which means we still feel like leaving the dishes for the cat to lick clean and feeling like blaming Bird Flu to use our last sick day. The good news is that Month Of Sloth is going to last only a few more days and we’ll get this strange, unusual burst of motivation we haven’t seen since August. Maybe we’ll do the dishes and fix the cabinets ourselves, instead of guilt-tripping an ex-lover into doing it. Maybe we’ll finish writing our thank-you notes for our birthday presents. Whatever it is we finally get around to doing, it’s going to put us in a fabulous mood by week’s end and maybe we’ll throw a party! That would be a nice way to kick off the holidays.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Sister Mary doesn’t want you to panic, but the first part of this week is going to kinda suck. Not really suck. Things are going okay for you, but kinda lousy for everyone around you which (of course) you’re going to be inclined to take personally. You can’t do much about it, although buying lunch for a heart-broken girlfriend might tip the Karma jar in your favor. It’s not going to last long, so don’t go throwing yourself off any bridges in sympathy for your drama-queen friends. It looks like relationships are going to get miraculously healthier by Wednesday or something and you may get called to stick up for a mousy co-worker who got thrown under the bus for something someone else did. (You, maybe?) Keep an eye on it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hey, cheer up. Saturn: Planet of Suck is giving you a break this week and it looks like some fabulous new project that thrills, excites and scintillates your senses is going to get thrown in your lap during the first part of the week. Don’t go getting distracted when you start getting panicked phone calls from best friends and old lovers in the middle of the night. Learn the power of the off-button on your cell phone. Not that you’re going to listen to the flying monkeys. We all know you’re going to start freaking out when you remember that you don’t hold the controls to the Universe. Step back and let people make their own mistakes for awhile. How many times do you stubborn bastards have to get this reading? You don’t get anymore this week until you think about these things.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You must work with a Virgo or something, because you’re also getting some super cool project to play with. Although for most Libras, it looks like more of a home project. Maybe you’re busy getting animated snowmen chained to your fire escape so the little shits two floors up don’t snag them again this year. And like Virgo and Leo, you’re also going to be stuck in some kind of drama pool that you didn’t create and you sure as hell don’t have anyway to drain it. Try some of that patience thing again. If you can’t do that, try some of that marijuana thing again. Something to keep you snoozing on the couch and out of the way. We know you want to help, but you’re in more danger of getting sucked down the drainpipe. Go work on your snowmen.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, the sun isn’t in your sign anymore. It happens every year, you nut. At least you still have Mercury in your corner, you can still manipulate people in your favor for the next couple of weeks. Hopefully, you haven’t spent the whole time calculating your move and got some work done for yourself—besides hacking into your partner’s Mastercard account to find out what you’re getting for Christmas. This week will be thoroughly productive for you and if you’ve had unwelcome drama over the past few months, you’ll finally throw up your hands and start meddling with something else. More good news for you—when Virgo, Libra and Leo thoroughly ignore Sister Mary’s advice, you’ll end up getting their super-cool projects when they end up in the psych ward.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Happy Birthday, by the way. Don’t drink too much--this week, anyway. You’re going to have too much work to do to mess with a hangover. Wait, forget what you just heard. Some kind of b.s. is going to drive you to the bar. Seriously, though. Try not to get too blasted although it’s going to be a very tempting course of action. Take deep breaths and try not to strangle any assholes this week. Most of the crap is going to resolve itself by Thursday. Give or take a day or two. Watch how many people you try to boss around. While it’s a lot more fun than handling your own garbage, you don’t have the time for it. Don’t look for accolades for your good behavior. First of all, you’re not that well behaved. Second, The Great Bastard in the sky is paying attention, but He’s the only one.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
You know, you keep getting this same reading. It’s a good reading, the Blank Canvas, Life is What You Make It, You’re the Goddess of Your Universe or some crap like that. Why does this keep coming up? Is it because you’re not actually doing anything with your blank canvas? Changes are on the way for Capricorn this week, and it’s the beginning of blossoming or decay, depending on how you work it. Do something good with it because a disheveled Goat is a rancid sight. It’s a great week to watch some Lifetime re-runs and journal your feelings or some shit. Let some stuff go so you can have plenty of room to draw up new, more interesting drama.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Clearly, SOMEONE didn’t listen to their inner cricket…why are you chasing your tail-less ass? You’re not missing out on anything. Aquarius, you must accept the fact that you are indeed the coolest person you know and no where, anywhere else are people having more fun than you’re having. Whether clubbing, tripping, or watching midget wrestling on late-night cable, no one is having more fun than you are. Right now. The Flying Monkeys indicate that you’re going to fall into an uncharacteristic bout of the bitchies this week. Fortunately, it won’t last long. You’ll be friendly and attractive again by week’s end, and may even reunite with a long-lost college sweetheart who didn’t suck as much as you remembered! The holidays are good for that, and they’re only just beginning!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Well, Intuitive One…you do realize the people asking you for help at the moment are perfectly capable of fixing their own broken lives, but would rather have you do it because they’re lazy rat-bastards? Whether you admit that you’re aware of this or not, try to get something out of it—even if it’s only free lunch. Your survival in the coming week is based solely on your attitude, so try extra hard not to bring out your old standby, “Why bother, we’re all dead in 2012, anyway…” Be careful not to snap at anyone, as you know you’re going to feel super bad about it, later. A necessary departure is coming up by week’s end. Maybe the free-loader is finally off the couch. You know you need to find a better place to find roommates than at the bus station.