Chattering monkeys and balanced equations

Good morning, Fair Sinners! Let us pray that you have settled your debts and indiscretions with your Sagittarius and Libra comrades, for they are running the entire chart this week: Sag covering the Sun and Mercury: Planet of Communication while Libra has taken hold of the Moon and Venus: Planet of Luv. Miraculously, this week should be full of sacred laughter and blessed debauchery—thank you to Sag—while Libra’s influence will keep Sag’s fanaticism at bay as well as provide some much needed procrastination to distract you from the stress of Holiday Capitalism.

But speaking of Holiday Capitalism…since you’re here…

Don’t forget to shop for your favorite alignment at Sister Mary’s Holiday Warehouse!!!!

The Full Chart:
Sister Mary Manhattan breaks down the sun/moon/rising and 12 houses to explain why you (or your favorite brat) is such a crazy bitch or bastard!
$40 (or two for $65)

The Cheap Bastard’s Chart:
For the weak of wallet: Sister Mary Manhattan will break down the sun/moon/rising sign...and leave you wanting more, of course. But it’s a start!
$15 (two for $25, but then you really are being cheap.)

The Douchebag Chart:
For the person you’d rather leave off your list all together, but your mom says you have to get them something. Based on carefully calculated zodiac alignment, Sister Mary will explain why this person is so douche-ish—in a funny, informative way that may help them stop being that way.
$10 (two for $15. If you have more than two douchebags in your life, the problem may not be them…)

The Severe Douchebag Chart:
For the person who ONLY deserves coal…explain to Sister Mary exactly what this Severe Douche did to earn the title, and Sister Mary will personally deliver the coal herself.
$FREE. (You provide the coal.)

Contact Sister Mary at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com if you would like to purchase.

Welcome to the week of December 2-December 8! Just when you thought it couldn’t get any weirder…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Since the communication planet is still hanging out in Sag, chances are someone said something downright douche-ish (but well-meaning!) and you, Aries, are severely irritated that you missed the chance to backhand them. Aries, Sister Mary assures you that the opportunity to smack them will not return. Besides, Mercury in Sag also means that people are going to forget the crazy things they’ve said within three minutes, anyway! Punching out the co-worker, friend or feeble old uncle is only going to make you look like an ass and probably get you arrested. Focus this week on pretending your annoyances never happened and you’ll live a much more fulfilling existence.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Taurus’s week is actually going to start out strong—but Taurus isn’t going to see it like that. They’re going to see the departure of the soul-sucking lover as proof of their inadequacy, while not-so-secretly, all their friend are glad you won’t be bringing around Should-Have-Showered-First Guy (or Girl) ever again. Taurus, whether you did have a stinky lover, or you got fired or your cat ran away with the flea circus, this departure is The Great Bastard In The Sky’s way of telling you that you CAN do better. Now, while you’re whimpering into your eggnog over in the corner, keep in mind you’re ignoring lots of hot people at the party. Blot up the mascara runs and munch a breath mint. You look fabulous, by the way...even with the runs.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Nothing to report for Gemini this week. It’s all thoroughly boring. Wait. This just in from the cauldron…Gemini is being pursued by cops or something. Or else their partner is chasing them around with an electric rolling pin. You were supposed to get something done last week and you got distracted. Now, that thing is chasing after you and plans to stick around like hangover nausea. While you’re looking for an excuse, you’re only going to come up with the answer, “Um…I suck?” You know you’ve made this mistake before and you don’t have many ways of evading it this time—save jumping out the window, but that’s messy and you’re not really keen on broken skulls, anyway. Admitting to a fuck-up is the sign of the wise person. Work on being wise this week.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Wake UP!!! Colder weather and warmer blankets are keeping we nesters out of accomplishing anything this week, except making heating up a can of Organic Tomato Soup, served with a slice of smoked gouda…damn. It’s good to be a food-loving Cancer when it’s cold. Now, we had some kind of creative or emotional breakthrough at the end of last week, but we’re too lazy this week to do anything about it. Scary considering the Dude in the Whitehouse is a Cancer who was supposed to be doing something about a peace accord last week…why does Mars have to retrograde through our sign during times of war and holiday shopping? While hibernating for three days straight feels good on our icy toes, it doesn’t do much for the rest of the world and we’ll start getting depressed about it, which will keep us on the couch for another week or so.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Your fellow fire sign having control of the communication center of the zodiac is going to work well for you this week, leonine friend. You’re going to get some helpful information, and hopefully a delightful compliment as well. Your ego could use it—again. Whether this is a lead on a job, an elusive Hanukah present or the home address of the bitch or bastard who stole your high school love, you’ll be on the path you’ve wanted to be on for the next five to seven days. This will ultimately end in a new partnership. You’ll get the job you’re after. You’ll nab the gift for Aunt Ruth. You’ll find that vixen and instead of murdering him or her, will see that they actually are the coolest thing since blue-jean pockets and you’ll fall desperately in love. Enjoy this week. It’ll be good for you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Did you rob a bank or something? How in the hell does a sign end up with cash in its pocket when Saturn: Planet of Suck is taking a dump in their sun-sign region? Wait, never mind. Looks as though you did formulate some kind of heist, but it’s about to get busted so your entire reading is back to Suck. Yeah, Virgo. No matter how much you thought about it, there isn’t a short-cut out of your time in Saturn. Looks as though the only way to relieve this frustration is to talk to someone you trust about it. Make sure they’re the listening type, not the Give Annoying Advice type, because the only way to get you out of your current predicament is to wait and not get suicidal.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Since you’ve still got Venus in your corner, you’ll still (big news there) be thinking about matters of your flighty little heart. But the moon being in your sign too means you’ll also be thinking about you and how you can better things for others. Lots of introspection and lots of phone calls to trusted psychic advisors—that’s what the cauldron is saying about Libra this week. Just remember that psychic advisors are thoroughly swamped during the Holidays with depressed people, so don’t drain on them too much. You know there are some serious habits you’ll have to break this year, besides those involving nicotine and nose picking. But you’ll have to do most of it on your own. Besides, phone psychics are expensive.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)Despite what the voices in your head keep telling you—you CAN NOT run the planet alone. You have to have advisors and assistants, not just subjects to bring you food and water. Basically, you did too much on your own last week which has created either emotional melt-down, hernia or both. Communication planet in Sag means people seem like they’re mocking you, but that’s your paranoia coming to get you again. Sag people mouth off to everyone and they’re possessing the minds of everyone this week. Try not to kill anyone you may later regret killing.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
So, Sag, this is the week you’ll be able to take over the world, if you can keep your attention on it that long. Domination of even small nations can take as long a year to even get started. Actually, why don’t you focus on controlling a simpler faction? Like yourself? While people are speaking your language in the coming days (Communication Mercury being in your sign), work on healing relationships with people you pissed off over the last few months. Try some loathed brown-nosing to get yourself a raise. Don’t annoy anyone. The last one is a random fact, but should be taken seriously as well.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Well, it’s safe to say that it’s all about you this week, Capricorn. At least in your mind. That’s not such a bad thing, except you’ll be irritated with the rest of the world when they don’t necessarily think the same thing. In their world, it’s all about them. Now, if you’re wondering why after all this time waiting in line to audition for American Idol why you’re still not famous, remember that you’re still in line!!! You haven’t missed any opportunities, yes. They’re coming and probably so many you’ll get dizzy and have a mild-medium panic attack. Some Capricorn, somewhere, is going to hit the big time this week and we all hope it’s going to be you. You. You…

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The sign of the wizened drunk is to know when to leave the party. Aquarius, you should have embraced that wisdom and called a cab before making out with the burly chick’s date. You weren’t even into this person, anyway, you just like causing trouble. Now, while half the people at the party are bumping you from their MySpace pages in solidarity with burly chick, you may need to make some new friends and not hit on their dates. Some of you may need to consider moving to a different time zone, depending on which burly chick you messed with. In fact, this may be a great idea for all Aquarius this week. Since most of you don’t have the option of moving, consider a fresh disguise.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Yeah, you could have a good week coming your way if you actually get leave your bedroom for a few hours. Good things are in the cauldron for you this week. You’ll have some of those delightful soul-sharing moments with your favorite friends and lovers. But you also may find that you’re being pulled into refereeing a fight between your favorite couple and that’s not a particularly delightful place to be. Be careful which places you get into, because it will take a long time to get out. Pisces, you’ve also been on a course of creative development which you get wishy-washy about. This week, you’ll return to it, even for a brief bit before hiding behind the plastic plants of your mind again. But it’s still a step in a positive direction.