Some Pretty Face Got the Best of Me....

Now that we’re officially into the realm of Gemini, now is when I would normally celebrate the fine qualities of our friends, the Twins…but I am currently on a mission trip in the wilds of Connecticut, and was side-swiped by a massive birthday celebration of epic proportions. Yes. Gemini friends are quite distracting that way.

I’ll return next week with a detailed analysis of our friends, but currently must run off to provide a little eternal salvation to a couple of sailors on the Moonbounce in the back yard…

But first—TWO important announcements!!!

Be sure to check out Bakespace.com and sign up for the monthly newsletter! That way, you’ll get fresh, tasty astrology readings from Sister Mary (using the pseudo-name of “Courtney Weber”) directly in your inboxes! Each sign will receive a monthly recipe to use, perfectly suited to your personal, zodiac tastes.

Also, Sister Mary will be appearing live at Stain Bar on Saturday, June 2^nd at 9:00 p.m. for the second installment of the Ass-tro Hour! Special guest Michele Carlo will tell a true story of growing up next to Santaria neighbors. Plus, take your turn to speak your wish into the Magic Microphone: the only Magic Microphone in New York City guaranteed to make wishes come true with in three days!!!

Enjoy your readings, and most definitely make the most sin out of your four-day work week as possible.

Xoxo
SMM

Aries (March 21-April 19)
I don’t want you guys getting pissed at me. Your acting like a jackass was NOT my fault, and neither is this reading. Waving your middle finger at your co-workers at the staff meeting last week is what got you reprimanded, if not fired. If you didn’t get fired last week for your inane reactions to authority, lay low. But I’m seeing that most Aries this week are going to be browsing Craigslist for new places of employment, whether they got canned or not. Although most of the signs would agree that you probably didn’t exercise the best judgment (most of them would have said to the boss, “I’m not sure I agree…” instead of “You F*CKING moron!!!”), and least you practiced honesty and Sister Mary is proud of you. You’re not wrong in feeling optimistic about your decision, but do expect that it’s not going to be easy. You’ll probably find yourself pulling out handfuls of hair from your head upon receiving six dozen “Dear Applicant: No Further Positions Blah Blah…” messages in your inbox. Please don’t take it out on the rest of us. Starting over time is crappy—but temporary.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh dear. I’m sorry to hear about the massive invasion of whatever into your realm. Lousy. Crappy. Please stop talking about it. You’re not making the situation any better. In fact, the monkeys are saying that most of the issue is already resolved, but as per usual, you’re still angry about it because you didn’t get your digs in. My suggestion is for you to call in sick at least two of the five days in the coming week, sit on your couch with your slippers on and stare at your “24” DVDs for awhile. Sit, simmer, cook that shit out of your system before returning to the rest of the world. Despite your lousy mood this week, you’ve actually impressed a number of people with your super-duper skills at everything! You may even get a raise! Pamper yourself, get your nails done, do something to make you feel pretty. You may just have some celebrating to do come next weekend and you want to look swankfied!!!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Happy Birthday! You surely aren’t reading this at the moment. You must be nursing a hangover from the fabulous party you had last night! In fact, the early part of this week will find you recovering from the outlandish course of the weekend. Now, hopefully you took this aspirin and Gatorade time to reflect and re-evaluate. Prepare yourself for another sudden and radical departure of something to which you’ve grown attached. I don’t wish computer death on anyone, but you know you’ve been spending way too much time on Nerve lately, anyway. The death of something such as your hardware will supply plenty of time to catch up on the classics and write your sordid memoir. Please blog sordid memoir, as surely you have plenty of sordid to share. Birthdays are good times for re-evaluating how much more delicious trouble you will need to have in the coming year. Please set your goals as high as possible.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Thank Buddha. Looks as though we finally took the advice of our previous readings. We backed out of other people’s issues, we took a little space for ourselves, we tried really hard not to cling to anyone in the process and realized that we are indeed perfect little princes and princesses of light and love and power without having to wipe everyone else’s asses. Now, we can return to being those smothering, overbearing beings that our friends and family know so well. They miss us and desperately wish for us to return to meddle in their affairs. (Yes, last week they balked and told us to go f*ck ourselves…but it turns out they didn’t like that so much when we actually did.) However, now that we attained this glorious new level of enlightenment, we can throw them a pretty little life raft without chaining ourselves to them and sinking to the bottom of the Hudson in the process. Some, we may be able to help. Others are going to have to fend for themselves. The great thing about all of this is that we have learned how to draw lines and say, “Yes. I can feed your cat while your gone.” and “No, I cannot neuter said cat for you.” Personally, I’m going to try extremely hard to follow this pattern for the rest of this lifetime and I highly advise other Cancers to do the same.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Oh, baby…I worry so when I have to deliver even moderately crappy news to you. You guys freak out and flood my inbox with “WHAAAAAAAAATTTTTTT?????” Please don’t do that. It’s not going to be that bad. Shit. I’m making it worse, aren’t I? Anyway, you’ve had a calm week and rather enjoyed it. No major catastrophes are imminent, but I regret to report that the majority of this week is going to suck. Little things. Bills. Cranky bosses. Bitchy friends. Roommate keeping you awake with multiple orgasms that you yourself are not receiving at this time. Of course, you being Leo, will take this little spell of ick as further proof that you’re not where you want to be at this point in your life. I frankly don’t see how the two equate, but whatever. Take this time to call up relatives you haven’t spoken to in awhile. Maybe Grandma will feel sorry for you and send money—or brownies, at least. Keep your head down and together and keep working on your grand master scheme. The roommate will eventually get dumped, your boss will eventually go on a three week vacation to Bermuda and will hopefully get lost at sea. You’ll eventually become rich and famous and will write a memoir about all these loopy times. I promise.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Look, I don’t know how many times this reading has to happen. We all thought that after your last tornado, you would have finally learned something. You know you should have dumped or blown-off whoever, but again you didn’t, and now they’re going to need money or a place to stay in addition to co-dependant emotional support. Basically, they’re going to demand more. However, the good news is that this second tornado will finally get you to put your muddy foot down. The Monkeys are talking on and on about all this cool shit that’s coming your way, and it would be a damn shame to miss any of it. You won’t look so good for that promotion if you continually show up for work haggard and beer-sweating after letting this specific whoever keep you up on the phone all night. Do you think this person plans to pay for all the therapy sessions you’re going to need when you finish fixing their train-wreck of a life? I highly doubt that, and so do you.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Oh my! Someone went and sat on your scales, the wrong way. I’m seeing in the cauldron that Libra is running around in circles this week panting, “Idunnowaddado. I dunnowaddado.” You’ve found yourself in a wacky situation involving your friends, your friends’ roommates, your roommates’ soulmates and visitors from their past incarnations…wow. This whole mess had very little to do with you and probably isn’t your fault. Step back (as much as you can, anyway…). Lock yourself in your room with the I-Pod going while the rest of the crazies tear up the living room. Please be sure to keep your smoke detector going, as they’re likely to light the carpet on fire. When this flammable incident occurs, it will then be your responsibility to ensure everyone gets out un-singed.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Why is it always the same with you? Why do you have to cling to old shit? You put Cancers to shame. Just. Stop. Father Bert (Aquarian Magician Master) recommends a drama free diet for the coming week that will consist of meditation, Celtic lullabies, and the desist of calling your exes at 3:00 a.m. They don’t want to talk to you at that hour. Your real trouble, Scorpio, is that you are not acknowledging the things that would actually fill you, emotionally. Take these 3:00 a.m. moments of longing and look within. Deep within. No, keep going. It’s in there, somewhere. Right next to that grand inspiration you need to release as well. Hey, that could be your answer! If you aren’t able to find what you’re missing, at least you’ll have this grand inspiration which will distract you and your chances of getting a restraining order slapped on your ass will greatly diminish.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
I type these words from the kitchen of a Sagittarius woman, who has requested that the reading for this week include tranquility, encourage the use of heavy machinery, and also encourage all Sag’s to remember to think about someone else. I had something smart ass to add to that, but that was a little too profound. Hey, Sag! You’re in luck! This is a powerful week for you. You may actually get a few things completed—like the dishes. Looks as though you’re also going to be in control of endeavors that require your supervision of others. Team up with Libra, they’re in a similar situation and not handling it as well. Don’t forget to call your mom this week.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
If there was any rest for the over-worked Capricorn last week, it looks as though they took full advantage of it, which is why their skin is so fresh and dewy and the bags are gone from under their eyes. Yes. You deserved your spa treatment and now you’re back in the world feeling whole and confident in the way the self-help books want you to be. No, it’s not going to last. Nothing ever does. Some sort of association is going to end suddenly; far sooner than you would have expected or liked. Don’t cling. Don’t mourn longer than a beer or two. Fortunately, your self-pampering treatment helped diminish some of the aches and pains Capricorn commonly experiences: devastation over matters not particularly devastating. Believing that said devastating matters stemmed from a universal conspiracy aimed at—and only at—you. I see you weathering this minor burp in the road quite well.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Well…you knew you’d have to return to this situation sooner or later. You’ve put it off long enough. Something has to be addressed, loose ends desperately need to be tied off. You’re not going to like it one bit, but the good news is that it will not end in the death of you, your job, your financial stability or your current sweetheart status. After the screaming and throwing of (blunt, please) objects, Water-Bearers across the Universe will breathe enormous sighs of relief, and will run skipping off to their favorite dive bars to sing their thanks in bad karaoke. Maybe we’ll see some better readings for you guys for the next few weeks. I’m genuinely tired of delivering sucky news to such sweet little critters such as you!

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Hooray! You made it through your most recent nervous breakdown without quitting rehab. You are moving in the right direction—the Monkeys would like to congratulate you on your new life and successful endeavors. They also indicate that the Fish of the Universe have had a lot of movements and transitions since last week, but these are chosen ones. No one got kicked out of Mom’s basement this week. They left on their own. Word to Pisces: just keep doing what you’re doing. You’re doing fine. You may notice other people starting to freak out about their own shit. Do not stop. Do not collect $200. (Jesus. When did I get so goddamn corny?) The Monkeys strongly encourage you not to indulge your Savior complex at this time. Leave it to Cancer to save everyone. We’re experiencing a rare moment of emotional stability and would like to use it for the benefit of mankind. You may need to buy us a beer, though. :)

Post Ass-tro...

Greetings, earthlings! And all else who read this page…

Thanks to everyone who came out to the show last night. Even though I write these words in ANTICIPATION of all of ya’ll coming out to see me, I hope you’ll be enjoying the show, and I hope I don’t look like a new-aged cult leader or a gia-normous ass-hole.

Isn’t that funny? I found that this morning. I was nervous about the Ass-tro hour, so I did some premature thanking. The show ended up going really well, and indeed a huge thank you to everyone who came out! The forecast delivered well, everyone got their readings and questions answered, Teresa’s story was awe-inspiring, and the evening ended with Magic Microphone Time—when guests could come up and speak their heart’s desires into the Magic Mic—the only Magic Mic in New York guaranteed to deliver desires within three days. A lotta people have the same desires, as it turns out: A little more money, a little more clarity, a little more opportunity to spend time in quarantine with all their friends.

So, we’re in the thick of Taurus, feeling the strong, steady pull of the generous bull. We want to work hard and spend harder, and get lots of reinforcement from our lovers that we are indeed the prettiest little demons in the pond. Now, this weekend the natural insecurities of the Taurus—are we not loved enough, are we not the most popular creatures in bull pen, are people secretly not laughing with us but very much at us? If you have a lover, you may notice them needing more of your time on a regular basis this weekend.

If you’ve got a partner, expect them to take sudden trips to IKEA as the Taurus need to buy practical things combined with the Cancer’s need to make the home pretty. You yourself, who’s closest thing to decorating the bathroom was to stick the copy of Hustler under the bathmat when company comes around, may even feel the need to buy potpourri.

However, this could very likely be the weekend you reunite with estranged family members, in a Hallmark Movie kind of way. For those of you who don’t usually get along with your blood kin will find the natural homey-family feeling of the Taurus and Cancer combination encouraging you to grit your teeth and put up with it just a bit, and there could be a free meal out of all of this.

Mars in Aries. It’s going to be an emotional week, chickies. But this is a good thing. It’s a great time for your softball team. But most the world will be organizing their own teams, not even to let other members on it. We all want to be captains right now, which is making us work harder in order to keep up with all the savior spending we want to do. Good time for getting work done. If you’re shopping, take advantage of all the dollar stores competing for even lower prices—as even the most relaxed store-owners are suddenly in a crunch to outsell every other vendor on the block, even if it means driving down their own prices to nothing at all. I think it’s all going to work out for all capitalists this week, even if it means sacrificing our own spiritual quests in the name of filling ourselves up with cheap, meaningless crap.

Personally, it was a great week for finding a rhinestone habit to wear at my opening show at Stainbar. Woo-hoo for the sparkly woo-woo! How fabulous.

It’s the week of May 20-26!!! Aren’t you glad to be alive and to have found me?

Aries (March 21-April 19)
As typical when home planets are in home regions, Aries is numb to their own planet hanging out in their own sign for the next week or so. Competition. Excessive striving. Freaking out over small things with the intent of making them into something infinitely larger? (Really…who can divide the atom the fastest?) Just a regular old run of the mill time for Aries. Now, while the rest of us are trying to reconcile your planet’s influence on top of all the other murky, emotional planetary influences we’ve got going on, you’re going to sail through just fine and kick everyone else’s asses at the pool table. USE this creative time to get ahead. You’ve been kicking the dirt all year while everyone else has done quite well, so take care of business now. I can’t promise you’ll have all this luck all year. You are being cautioned not to freak out about people who don’t return your calls or emails in the coming week. This doesn’t mean that they’re being crappy to you. Their nutty lives are coming all to pieces—just like yours was a few measly weeks ago! If it’s business related, it will turn around in your favor. You’ve already put the word out. If it’s personal, the response may be a little longer. Wait it out and don’t take too much to personally. Overall, this week will suck marginally less than the previous.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
The time of feeling frumpy, grumpy and slumped over in your cubicle chair is about to turn around for you, Birthday Boy/Girl! Isn’t that fabulous??? Yes. Yes, it is. Whatever situation you’ve been mulling over for the past few readings (which I believe relates to romance for the vast majority of Tauruses...), you’re about to shake it off and have a glorious revelation that will come bounding through the windowless walls of your life and shake things up with beads and finery. In short, you’re ready to rebound! Tell the wayward lover to quit calling, tell the cheap-ass boss to blow you. Drive through those blocks in the way that only you, the Grand Bull of the Universe can! It’s a delightful time for starting over. Now, starting over will not automatically mean divine Prince/Princess will charge up to your stoop on a steed. Nor will it mean that Oprah is going to be on air telling everyone how she bought 1,000 copies of your second-rate novel. This week, anyway. Your new success will begin slowly. Coffee dates. Promising job interviews. Carefully lining your cat’s litter box with the publisher rejection notices. It’s the beginning, and beginnings take time. Slightly cynical Taurus hereby rolls their eyes at Sister Mary: “Don’t you ALWAYS say that EVERYONE is at the beginning?” News for you, Taurus. Universal Law states: We all ARE always at the beginning. Twiddle your hooves over that one for awhile.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
A hieratic or mystery pointing to that which is beyond our frail or manipulative powers: Perth is on the side of Heaven, the Unknowable, and has associations with the phoenix, the mystical bird which consumes itself in the fire and then rises from its own ashes. Its ways are secret and hidden..
Ha! You thought you were going to get a real astrology reading. Sorry.
But Gemini is finally jumping out of the frying pan they’ve been bouncing around in for the past few weeks and miraculously missing the blue flame of the gas range. That isn’t to say that they’re going to be thrilled with the outcome. I see the conclusion of some alliances that were never meant to last long in the first place. The Twins, being the social little jitterbugs that they are, won’t take this so well. They might scratch their heads. They might tug on their fishnets. They will, of course, wonder if they just weren’t cool enough. My answer is my darlings, no. You weren’t cool enough. Who cares, though? No one was cool enough for those shallow morons. You were probably too smart. Gemini was born with both feet in their pretty mouths and never recovered. But those who really love you, don’t just love you despite that crap. They love you for it. The others were flakes, babe. This week will provide that good old re-discovering yourself you’ve been wanting to do. You’ll be relieved the storm is over, and once you wipe the debris out of your eyes, you can go about putting your little house back together. Be sure to use bricks, not sticks or straw this time, little pig….

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Crabby-babies all over the Universe are sprawling across their fainting couches, one dramatic back-of-the-wrist over the eyes. It was all just too much for us to bare…..I mean, bear…Yes, truly. Planet of romance taking a big, fat shit in our home sign. Not nice. Softies that we are, people breathing at us the wrong way sent us to the restrooms to let our mascara run down the drain. I challenge one Crab out there to say this didn’t happen. Because we’ll all know you’re a liar, and you don’t feel like revealing that now, do you? Uh-uh. Nah, the smartest of we Cancerians knew we were just being silly this week. Some of us had the excuse of PMS. Others of us knew it was just that time of being loopy, and we tried very, very hard not to take it out on our partners, lovers and extra-marital flings. None of these sinners were being anymore callous and hurtful than usual. We just felt it more, as Venus left our brittle shells toilet-paper thin. I regret to report that Cancerians will once again be found reading their Live-Journal entries from three years ago (Live Journal was around then, wasn’t it? I was still using paper.), late at night over their wine. Some old wound needs to be re-rubbed again, for some inane reason. It would really serve us best to delete those old entries, and erase the phone numbers of lovers who never call us anymore. Cancerians are nodding as they read this. They know it’s true. But I hardly think any of them actually will. If I pull this reading for us again next week, I will tell us nothing about our future. I’ll keep our reading and cry over it myself. Alone.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
So, we remember that you were sad last week because a lot of we less-successful zodiac members were jealous and got to be mean? That truly wasn’t very nice of us. Fortunately, most of you didn’t let your impulse to sulk in a dark apartment take over. You gave us the finger, while smiling in your charming way, and kept right on plugging. Good for you, babe. Take advantage of this creative time before the Universe sweeps in with more cosmic drama-dust. Don’t get nervous, and don’t call me Astro-Downer. That’s the way of things. Sometimes, we’re up. Sometimes, we suck. Enjoy the up-time you’re in, because you did have a long, long time of sucky. Didn’t you? It’s a time of wholeness and plenty. Run through your fields and gather as much asparagus while the season is still good. I have an excellent recipe for it that calls for tahini. Let me know if you want some. I’m keeping your reading short because I only see a few things for you this week: Happy, Happy, Joy and more Happy, Happy, Joy. Watch you don’t brag too much, or we grumpier signs will take you to the range for our target practice. J

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The nasty funnel-cloud of Everyone Else’s Garbage has finally separated and Virgo can sit alone for a moment and contemplate funnel clouds, everyone, garbage, and all things in between. The storm took away all the tools they’d set aside in order to make this work out okay. That’s a real shame. Now, before you start to grumble and take a bad reading all personal again…the monkey have asked me warn you about being an asshole to everyone around you based on the bad luck you’ve had recently. Yes, it’s probably their fault. But it’s your fault for getting involved. If you’re mean to the dummies you enable, their feelings will be hurt. You should have let them sink or swim when you had the chance. Now, you’re going to have to be careful in how you extricate yourself from the situation, so as not to sever any relationships you might like to keep. Make something up. Say you have jumping pubic lice. There is no such ailment (to my knowledge), but the key here is to make them think they’re staying away from you. Temporarily. Suddenly, you’ll have all the silence you want to kick around on your computer and pretend you’re practicing the Bodhi Svaha. You’ll be calling those imbeciles again in no time.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Special thanks to one particular Libra—who shall remain nameless--for talking one particular Cancerian—who also shall remain nameless—off a PMS cliff. Libras come in handy. Their quick ability to weigh both sides of the sides of the situation can be infuriating when you just want them to take YOUR side, damnit…but very helpful in the long run. Especially when you’re back on the ground with a martini in your hand that they made themselves. I’d like to lie and give you a happy-skippy reading, since no one loves a happy ending so much as a Libra, but that would be a lie and Mother Superior would whip me for lying. It’s no surprise to any Libra around that quasi-major catastrophes have made for traffic jams and slipped discs over the past week. Fortunately, Libra is looking at all of this with bright, clear eyes and can see where they’re being taken advantage of and plan to do some ass-kicking as soon as they can move from the hospital bed. Good news, Libra! You have a lot of friends around who can do the smack-downs for you while you’re all laid-up. Let them know who and be sure to include addresses. Recovery time is going to be slow, but the good thing is that your physical therapist is likely to be a hottie. See? Even pain can be the greatest gift-giver. Smile and take it one step at a time. You’ll be back and better for the next toxic adventure before you know it. There. That wasn’t such a sucky reading, was it?

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I almost skipped writing for Scorpio this week, figuring all Scorpios had formally denied existence of my blog for me being so mean to them on a regular basis. I hope they notice that I’ve generally been very kind to everyone this week. Well, as kind as Sister Mary gets. Scorpio, even I’ve got to admit that for the first time, your hyper-paranoid views were correct. They were out to get you. They wanted your girl/boyfriend. But they didn’t win, did they? You were ready with the pot of hot oil at the window—as soon as they approached your building. Too bad you missed and splashed the poor old lady walking behind. But the intent was there! And it was passionate and novel-worthy. I do hope your court case comes up soon. Your brief time in the pen has given you plenty to think about and a multitude of dark, murky poems to write. I’m pleased to report that this week will be one of epiphany and ecstasy—and I don’t mean the kind you took “by accident” last weekend. Like all good little geniuses, no one will understand you and you’ll go back to lurking in your cave. That’s okay. Take all that creative burst with you and make something pretty. You rebel, you. You’d never sell even your most brilliant creation for plain old money. Prestige, maybe, but never for The Man’s Puppet String. Fine with me, and the rest of the sell-outs. Less competition in a crowded market.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
And just how is our favorite little fire sign this week? Uh-oh! Monkeys reveal that Sag spent waaaayyyyy too much money planning for the Memorial Day bash. And it’s not even here yet. Not to worry. Everyone loves you and thinks you’re a gem and will bring plenty of beer to share. Since you don’t have cash to go to the bar this week, take some time to sit alone. Just for ten minutes. No, you won’t get bored. Seriously. Wait, come back. I’m not finished with your reading yet. You’ve been working so far this year on your relationships, your creative projects, your relationships to your creative projects, your relationships to the creative parts of your relationship’s projects…but where in there did you take the time to work on you? I don’t recall seeing that in any of your past cauldron prints. The Universe is dishing out poverty to keep you from avoiding yourself. You’re going to start thinking about how you affect and influence others. You’ll probably see that a great majority of your energy has been put forward to telling other people what to do with themselves. Not smart. Get a few things fixed up with you, and then go back and join the party. I promise. It will still be going on.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
I do believe we’ve discussed this before, little Goat friend. How dropping hints at certain people—no matter how major those hints may be—does not qualify as effective communication? Yeah, yeah…they should just know what’s bugging you…but you’re a smart little critter. Haven’t you figured out yet that just because the world should be shaped exactly according to your specifications doesn’t mean that it necessarily will? Fiend. Yes. I called you a fiend. I’ve been thinking it for a long time, too. The only way to pull out the irritating wiggle-worm that’s gotten under your skin is to actually confront that critter and say, “Hey. You weren’t invited.” Making pretty little exit signs won’t do the trick. I guarantee that whoever/whatever is bugging you can’t read a damn word. Now, here’s some good news. I think. A reunion of sorts is in your cards for the week. That’s right! A wayward lover will come back and beg for forgiveness and you’ll get to lovingly tell them to shove it, just like you always wanted to. I sincerely hope that this wayward lover isn’t bringing your illegitimate child along, too. Then, you are not allowed to tell them to shove it. Sorry. Own up. (I would like to state for the record that my Capricorn mother, who now reads this column regularly, does not approve of my choice of language. She did indeed raise me much better than this.)

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I was getting ready to write you another reading encouraging you to kick ass and stop being so damn lazy and to get the free-loading-sterile person you call domestic partner out of the house. However, it looks like you beat me to it. Hooray! Aquarius is playing the role of sweet-ass ninja in this week’s installment of As the Universe Expands. (Dear God. Don’t ever let me use that joke again.) You filed the appropriate papers, got the proper restraining order, purchased the appropriate ninja stars, whatever. Good job. You get to move onto the next stage of collecting alimony and child support—if you’ve spawned. The conclusion to this collection is not coming anytime soon. You’re going to be squeezing whatever drop of toothpaste is owed to you out of the tube for quite awhile. I’m seeing the beginning of several personal ruptures here. A lot of the people you’ve been running around with will be nowhere to be seen. That’s rude. They should be by your side. But dramatic stuff often brings the blessing of weeding out who’s not being helpful, and highlighting those who are! The truth is that most of this work you’re going to have to do on your own. It won’t be the first time, Aquarius, you with that overtly-independent nature of yours. Ninjas often work alone, don’t they? Don’t really know. I’ve always been a nun, but never a ninja-nun. Although that would be a cool action figure. Hmm….

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Hmm…again. You had a pretty successful few weeks here, Pisces. This isn’t to say that it’s about to take a turn to the suck, but it’s going to get a little more difficult. 2007 has found many of our Pisces on a spiritual pilgrimage, even if it’s through their own backyard. Hell, most Pisces spend their lives on a spiritual pilgrimage, so I don’t even know why I’m bringing this up at the moment. This week marks the beginning of a BRIEF (don’t panic) dark period for the dual-fishes. You can’t bring the habits of your old life with you on the journey to a new one. Ick. Guru talk leaking in. But there’s more. Take a look at what would best benefit everyone if it were left behind. Not everyone will think it’s great to leave an old fart-lighting trick in the frat house. But you know what’s best for your new life. And what’s best for the flammable objects around you with a sense of smell. This is a time where you’re going to have to go on alone. You’ll probably feel as though you’re growing apart from people you once were very close to, but I also think that is going to be rather temporary. They’ll come back around when they finish their own shaman/ninja/ninja-nun quests. I really do think I’m going to make an action figure.

Stay tuned next week for more mischief, more mayhem, more dreams that (sort of) come true!!!

Xoxo
SMM

My First Time!!!

Those of you in the NYC area…Sister Mary is going to have her first Ass-tro hour this coming Saturday, May 19 at Stain Bar. If I don’t totally blow it, they’ll give me a regular slot!!! Live astrology readings on stage! Get a chance to ask questions about your sign! Hear a true Ouija Board/Ghost Story by Teresa! It’s free, chickens! And they sell good beer.

Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Saturday, May 19, 9:00 p.m.
Stain Bar
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Last week, other astrologers of the world announced that Venus was in Cancer. I was too busy focusing on the moon being in Aries and how that would effect your cash situation. Maybe, being the overtly-sentimental Cancerian that I am, I was numb to the effects of Planet Love. Or lazily blaming it on PMS. Whatever. It’s on it’s way out now.

In Explanation, Venus is the planet of Love. (Duh.) When it’s in a certain sign, meaning it’s passing through that constellation—or at least looks like it’s passing through that constellation from our observatories here on Earth—we mortals will feel the romantic effects of that sign. This past week, Venus was in Cancer.

The effect of Cancer means that most of us are probably going to hold onto love-wounds far more than usual, which means if your lover was needier than usual last week and you ignored them, you’re going to have a lot of brown-nosing to do. It also meant that lovers were likely more sensitive to one another, and there was a great deal of cuddling and cooking and sweet little naughties behind lowered curtains. The weather was beautiful, but who cares? Lock the door and turn off the phone. Cocoon in the shell with the sweetie—as is the Cancer lover’s way.

That should have been your opening essay last week. Hope it’s one of those better late than never things—and perhaps explains why you felt the need to stay in your pajamas all day and take your lover’s jokes too personally.

It’s Mother’s Day!!! Happy Mother’s Day to everyone, whether or not you’re female and whether or not you have kids. Someone, somewhere, gave birth to you and even if you’re not on speaking terms—be glad you’re here. We’re all glad you’re here! Aren’t we?

It’s the week of May 13-May 19! And it’s only going to get wilder!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Our Rams suffer from periodic break-throughs. I can hear many grumbling, “Break-DOWNS, Sister Mary…” and yes, you get those on a regular basis as well, but powerful realizations have come through and kicked our Aries friends in the heads recently. Aries, while not necessarily sharing this revelation with everyone, has convinced themselves that they can no longer live the lives they once did. They’ll strongly consider joining the Peace Corps or start some radical not-for-profit that will enable impoverished children to learn practical dentistry. Aries, calm down. We all know you wish for change but don’t like enough to enact it unless the situation is just too dire. This revelation is not the start of a new life, but more a completion of an old one. Funny how these things work, right? Don’t expect the rest of the world to change with you, or easily adapt to your new point of view. We’re very supportive of what’s happened, but we’ve also got a lot of stuff going on this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Please don’t get upset when I say this, but it’s probably time to let go of those clothes that no longer fit. We all know how fabulous they are, and how well they fit during your coke-days in college, but you’re a more grounded stable person now who’s left that life behind. You know you’re happier without the drugs (aren’t you?), but you just wish you could still squeeze into the lavender pleather pants!!! We all do, baby. We all do. Keep in mind that you’re still a swanky-hot mother f*cker, even without your coke-fiend bod. When you start to lament the loss of your pants, think of all the bad things you had to deal with during that time: having to steal shit, having to go to jail, having to hang out with coke fiends who stole your shit and wouldn’t bail you out of jail. Pack up the pants, drop them off at Goodwill. You’re allowed to shed one tear, but only one. Better yet, try selling them on E-bay and use the money to get a gym membership going.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)”Oops! Uh-oh….” That’s what Gemini said when they looked at their checking account this morning. (That’s what one particular Cancerian said too, but I’m not revealing names…) Gemini can’t remember where they put all the money they finally got. My suggestion is to check the bar—I think that’s where you left it last time. Nice of you to buy drinks for everyone on the block, but it sucks to be you since you’re going to have to shake your hat on the corner for the next week or so in order to eat. Yeah, your money crunch is putting a halt on all the super cool things you’d planned to do this week. Disneyland is not in your corner. You’ve already sold most of your cash-worthy possessions during your last money crunch, and cranky old uncle still hasn’t gone off to the retirement home in the sky. Wait it out and take up knitting. Knit something nice and sell it to a yuppie with an affinity for the homemade. If you make up an accent and pretend you’re foreign and say it’s imported, the yuppie may be even more generous.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ever notice that of all the signs in the zodiac, Cancers are the most likely to put the most faith in it? As well as consulting the runes, the tarot, and keeping an apartment full of flying monkeys? Why? Because we’re so damn insecure we need tools to figure out what’s going on in all the minds of the other members in the zodiac. Trust me, I’ve spent a lot of money on monkey-feed. Fellow Cancers, you may have noticed that those frustrating people we call friends, family and lovers did the whole “shrouding” thing and wouldn’t tell us what was on their minds and it was supremely irritating? Yeah—that was beyond our control. Evil forces distracted these people from thinking only about us and talking all about us to us on our immediate command. The only way to defeat these treacherous, unseen influences is to pretend they don’t exist. Skip along your merry way and check out the farmer’s market—stock your Cancerian kitchen with delicious supplies. That will bring those brooders back around. You can use your stew as a ransom: “Tell me what’s going on in your troubled mind, or the soup gets the dishsoap.” They’ll talk.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
A Leo friend of mine asked me last week if there was a cosmic reason as to why so many people had been mean to her recently. She couldn’t think of anything she’d done wrong. She also mentioned that the meanest individual was an Aries. I mentioned that Aries has had a tumultuous few months and are quite possibly taking it out in earnest against Leos, who have had a lot of success and luck in the last couple of weeks. (If any Aries are reading this, keep in mind that Leo’s luck has only been of very late and barely a month ago, they were just as cranky and dejected as you are now.) Leo, unfortunately, you may have taken the meanies to heart this week, and it’s disrupting the flow you knew took a long time to get going. Instead of doing the Leo-cat thing and hiding under the couch until the bad person goes away, confront them—but you don’t be mean about it, either. Open, honest communication will put you back on your path of fame and fortune. Likely, these influences are not because of anything you did, but came from situations that were never even about you. But hey, you were riding high and those who ride high are easy targets. Talk it out, let it go. Another creative burst is coming your way by the end of the week. Don’t miss out on it by sulking under the couch.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I’m vigorously stirring the cauldron to come up with a Virgo reading that doesn’t suck, since I’m pretty sure several symbolic Virgins are beginning to take these readings personally. Nope, sorry. I really did try, kids. Virgo, you’re still stuck in the same yucky place we found you two weeks ago. Half of you put yourselves there, the other half were dragged in by masked bandits on horseback. Either way, the only person responsible for your suffering is you. (You had the opportunity to tell the bandits to shove it and you didn’t. Don’t deny it.) Fortunately, you’re breaking away from your typical Virgo tendency to IgnoreThePain—IgnoreThePain. You’ll recognize that you’re completely fed up with the situation and will begin hatching a plan to end it. The good news is that you’ll find a solution by Friday at the latest. The bad news is that no matter how quickly you came to be in your current lousy situation, it’s going to take twice as long to get out. Gnaw gently, one leather restraint at a time. Doing it too fast will wake the masked bandits and then you’ll be in REAL trouble. Call me when you get out and I’ll bring you a change of clothing.

Libra (September 23-October 22)Yep! Libra is coming up short on cash as well this week. I see whole lots of zodiac members curling up together to watch the tube, since few of us will be able to afford to go anywhere. Libra is especially irritated because for them, they didn’t spend it all on booze and porn like the rest of us. They’ve been saving their cash in order to take their honey on a cruise this summer, or something remotely fabulous like that—when, BOOM! Puppy has to go to Doggie ER. Parent needs artificial limb replacement. Rather frustrating, you know? Libra, you are also to be warned to listen to people who generally annoy you and who you’d rather avoid. They’ll still be annoying, you’ll still want to ignore them, but you’d better not because one of those nuts actually has some wizdumb to impart. Don’t mean to make you paranoid, but there is a chance someone is mis-using your generosity. Step-mom may not actually need that artificial knee. She may be planning a trip to Tibet to hang out with her Leo lover. Keep an eye on her.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Damn. Even I’m starting to feel bad for Scorpio this week. You cheap bastards just don’t seem to be able to get a break, do you? This time, the one causing all the fractured thoughts in your head to spin around is none other than yourself, actually. Looking around at all the friends who are upset or tormented in some way, you’re feeling confused and trying to figure out your role in their demise. No, sweetie. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s highly likely that you’re just jealous of their chaotic drama and would like to hold onto their coattails a bit. Give up meddling. Talking rationally to your best friend’s significant other will not make said S.O. any less of a douche bag. As much as it pains your cold, wet heart to see it—there is not a thing you can do for a friend who likes to date douche bags. Step out of the drama and wait it our. You can go flog yourself and mourn the injustices of the world, if it pleases you. But none of said actions will give your loved ones the peace they so desire.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Typical. Two different Sagittarius kids called me yesterday while I was trying to write the horrorscopes and both said, “What do you mean you don’t have time to talk to me? Horrorscopes??? Are you getting paid for that sh*t yet? What’s the good news for Sag???” Good news? The good news is that you’re the only sign getting remotely good news this week! Double up on the Trojans, you’ve got a fertile week! Stop panicking, you may not get or get anyone knocked up. But you will receive new ideas for your multitude of creative endeavors and possibly even more smart-asses to help you implement them! Now, here’s what you need to do. Don’t take on any new hobbies and dull all shiny objects in the immediate vicinity—you need all of your focus. This new stuff is going to take awhile to cultivate and distractions will put you back in that rote of chasing your tail. Don’t panic when you don’t get famous for your work within the first two weeks. Glory and cash will come to you, if you avoid the distractions of all things shiny with bells and whistles attached.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Again, a glorious Happy Mother’s Day to my mom—who is a Capricorn, and therefore the reason why this Cancerian can remotely dress herself, decorate an apartment and save any kind of cash for all the crazy things she wants to do. (Among thousands of other things, my pretty mommy!!!) Capricorn had been getting a lot of signs from the Universal order, advising them to use this Blank Canvas time to make their upcoming months profitable and enlightening. Whether or not they actually took this advice is moot because they had another minor (or major…depending on the Goat) catastrophe hit their stratosphere. That’s a shame. But it does happen to all of us, periodically. Fortunately, I’m seeing that more most Capricorns, the disruption isn’t so catastrophic as they’d like to think. Leak under the sink—not ceiling caving in. However, if the leak has ruined any (insert trendy brand of shoe here), Capricorn will think it’s a catastrophe. My advice is to look at pictures of that Kansas town on the web—the one flattened by the tornado? That, my over-zealous Capricorn, was a catastrophe. If any Capricorns from that town are reading this—well, if anyone from that town is reading this—I’m not including you in this “let it go” reading. You get to piss and moan all you want, friend. The good news for all Capricorns, tornado ravaged or not, you really are in a good place. Take stock of and enjoy the good things, before they wander away.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I think we talked about this awhile back—how you need to be careful about who you’re nice to? You are being taken advantage of, again, for your overly generous nature and empathy. The person keeping you on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, rehashing again how crappy their boss is being, or how flaky their lover has been, or how bad their money problems have become is inevitably going to run your Verizon bill through the rafters, run your credit card bill even higher and expect a friends with benefits situation that will only leave you confused and a little sore. Listen to yourself—do you stand to gain anything from this alliance? So this person has a third cousin who drinks regularly with a record producer you think will help you break through. It’s possible. But aren’t there easier ways to do it than to hang out with a leech? Take stock of what you really need and throw out what you don’t. Don’t make me pull this reading on you again.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
I’m thrilled to report that Pisces is the only sign who got rid of all the crap they were supposed to discard. Thank Goddess. At least one of us is walking around with a clear(er) head. Pisces has had a rough year thusfar, but instead of drinking their way through it, they took the time to see this as a challenge to endure. Most of them did, anyway. This urban spiritual pilgrimage isn’t over yet, though, friend. Be careful with how you treat your loved ones in the coming week—many are likely to be more sensitive than usual and may freak out about something you say or do, no matter how inconsequential said thing or action may be. Keep moving and don’t expect the unenlightened to understand where you’re coming from. You’re not that enlightened either, just so you know…if you were, you wouldn’t be reading this. You’d be floating through the cosmos on a golden beam of energy! Talk about a wild ride between your legs, kiddo…Keep grounded and stay compassionate. It’s your only way to protect your relationships and keep your own self from pulling your hair out.

I finally got Taurus done!!!

Hi, kids!!!

Anyone get laid during Beltaine? During the SCORPIO FULL MOON??? Come on. Festival of fertility, ruled by the sex-o-manical sign of Scorpio? Could only have been a whirlwind of chaotic fabulousness. Just speculation. You’re welcome to confirm.

This week, plan on being excited about everything. We’re all feeling the pull of earnest, hardworking Taurus and prompted by a Sagittarius moon. During the early part of the week, we’ll be feeling thoroughly optimistic about every goal and dream we’ve ever had. This weekend, we just KNEW we were going to be discovered if we spent just one more hour juggling on the 59th street subway platform. However, also like Sag, we probably started a lot of projects yesterday and today can’t even remember what they were. The good news is that the Capricorn moon coming in tomorrow will kick all of our asses in gear. Practical Taurus sun combined with money-hungry Capricorn moon will severely increase the likelihood of even the laziest signs taking on an extra hour or two at work, at least in the earlier part of the week. By Friday however, the Pisces moon will sweep in with its compassionate and generous nature, and all the extra dollars we managed to squeeze out of our bosses have a better chance of ending up in homeless guys’ hats or on friends’ beer tabs than in our 401ks. Again, possibilities. Not prophecies.

Personally, I’m loving this Taurus time. I’m working my butt off on all kinds of astrology projects, about which I hope to have more details next weekend. Taurus is a great sign to have around. If you’re short on Bull friends, might wanna Craig’s List for a couple because they sure come in handy.

Those born under the sign of the Bull are usually wildly popular in groups, yet only have a handful of close friends. Social and chatty, but sensitive and surprisingly easy to hurt, Taurus is generally friendly but doesn’t share enormous amounts of personal goodies until they know you really well. Taurus is loyal to the end. Break-ups and fallings out hurt them deeply and change them permanently, in many cases. Taurus is the softest of the earth signs—think more mud than volcanic rock. Quite compassionate, yet sturdy. They will let you know when you’re making a mistake, yet still manage to stay on your side. They’re practical. If a Taurus takes you shopping for work clothes, they’ll roll their eyes when you pop out of the dressing room in a vintage ballerina dress. (You need SLACKS, DAMNIT!) But being as sweet as they are, they’ll help you figure out how to rearrange your budget so you can have both.

Taurus people are often drawn to creative jobs. They do like getting a lot of attention, though they’ll often deny it, and many end up doing stuff with theater, film, performance or photography, but being earth signs, they’re not so fond of poverty. Most Taurus people I know have found quick and clever ways to make money from their favorite things to do—and make it look like the easiest thing ever.

If you’re dating a Taurus, keep in mind that under that flashy, funny and crazy person you asked to dinner is an extremely romantic and sensitive person holding onto the memories of past Cupid injuries. Right, we’re all like that, you say…but Taurus is often misread, and taken to be less sensitive than they are. They need to know that you’ve been thinking about them—and when I say that, I mean they need tangible reminders on a regular basis. Write a note that says, “I’ll be thinking today, about you my lovely little Bull!” and tape it to the bathroom mirror. Don’t write on their mirror in lipstick. They’ll focus more on the greasy mess on the glass than the passionate, movie-worthy thing you just did. (Scorpio and Sag may like the lipstick thing.) Taurus also likes to get presents. Handmade stuff will charm the panties right off them. Giving to a charity in their name will make them happy, as they like philanthropy and appreciate, again, the thought you put into the charity. Again, make sure it’s a charity they like so they KNOW you’ve been thinking about them. Of course, Taurus tends to be a bit of a clothes and accessories horse, so they won’t complain if you buy them something swanky to flash around to their friends. Doesn’t have to be expensive, (they hate to see you spend ALL that money….) so long as it looks great.

As lovers, Taurus is quite sensitive to touch and enjoys massage and foreplay nearly as much as the Great Rite itself. Don’t be too rough with your Taurus on the first go-round. They need time to explore and get to know you to really have fun—although with this given time, they will become adventurous and are generally safe people to try out “those things” you’ve been thinking about. He or she will probably blush a little when you suggest it, but will delight you with their enthusiasm once you get going. Taurus is a romantic bed-friend and can stay monogamous for extremely long periods of time. They like to cuddle. A lot.

Now, Taurus. Don’t get offended. But you need to work on not getting offended so easily. We’ve all got our things. Taurus tends to take a lot of ridiculous things too damn personally. They get jealous. They get possessive. They’re stubborn as hell. They expect you to know things about them without them having to explain thing, which makes it kind of confusing for the rest of the overly self-involved Zodiac members. Their practicality has moments that borders on being kind of cheap. Taurus doesn’t like to forgive. They’ll lie and SAY they forgive you, but they’ll bring it up as often as possible for the rest of their lives. My Taurus sister has never forgiven my cat for an unfortunate incident involving a bathing suit. Only a Taurus could begrudge a cat for two years. Did I mention Taurus holds a grudge? And are probably upset that I used more lines to describe their dark side than I used for Pisces and Aries? They notice those kinds of things.

Doesn’t matter, though. I couldn’t live without my collection of sturdy, determined, powerfully loving, loyal, charmingly stubborn and dressed to impress Taurus Bulls: Faceboy, Dylan, Sara, Deanna Marie, Tom, Tobi, Manny, Angry Bob, Ree!, Lady Cyn and my favorite Taurus and person in all the world: my baby sister Meredith. Happy Birthday!!!!

Now! For the Readings you all “paid” to Read…..

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
My goodness! Someone is taking full advantage of this productive realm of Taurus. Aries, your extra hours, your extra miles, your extra promotional flyers and Avon lectures have not gone unnoticed. Of course you’re not seeing all the results you want yet, but you seem to be gritting your pretty little teeth and practicing that patience thing. While you don’t seem to have all the opportunities popping up yet, enjoy this period where you don’t have to make any decisions. Get some work done around the apartment. The Tupperware Tower of Pisa in your cabinet has been annoying you for quite awhile, but until this week, you didn’t have time to do much about it. This week is only the beginning of a calm-seas period for you and the rest of us are jealous. Finish your spring cleaning while you still have time to do it. If you’re all done and you’re bored, you can come over and do mine, too.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Whatever catastrophe you recently weathered left a delicious void in your life which I hope you filled with bunnies and pink lemonade. However, the monkeys are saying you’re pretty unhappy about the way things turned out. As soon as you’ve finished throwing your tantrum, come back and join us because we have good news for you. Partnership is on the way—and don’t growl and don’t roll your pretty eyes. This doesn’t necessarily mean a hot young entrepreneur is going to roll by and pick you up in his or her Jag. This doesn’t mean your boss is going to quit and leave the company to you—no matter how better equipped you are to deal with it. You’ve got to quit setting your sights so ridiculously high that they collapse before they even inflate. I’m seeing more an impromptu coffee date with someone you didn’t know well before, but who’s likely to say, “I hear ya…” and sincerely mean it. Won’t that be nice?

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
If I haven’t lost all of my Gemini subscribers (more than a few are quite upset with my stunning inaccuracy regarding their getting laid two weeks ago…), I do have more good news to report. Last week’s depressing lull is about to break, which means you’re going to need to get out of bed and shower. Please. You’re going to get a chance to tell your stalker to quit calling. You’re going to get a chance to tell your ex that you don’t even want to be friends. You’re going to find someone to buy your secret collection of Paula Abdul cassettes that have sat on E-bay since its inception. Yeah. It’s going to be a good week for getting rid of stuff, which you need to do because by Thursday or Friday you’re going to feel like kicking some ass and taking some serious names. It will be easier to do a roundhouse kick when there’s less crap in your apartment. Or life. You know you should have done this a long time ago.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
They don’t understand you. They never will. That’s okay. Your astrologer is a Cancerian who vaguely speaks your language. Recently, we had to sever a bunch of ties and break some nasty old habits. This has left most of hiding in our shells—but pulling the UN-Cancerian move of using an ambivalent shell. Guess what, other signs….Cancer has embraced nihilism and doesn’t give a shit if you’re unhappy about it or not! It’s seasonal. It will pass. Fellow Cancers, we spend too much time meddling with everyone else’s relationship issues, food issues, alcohol issues, psychosomatic issues…seems as though everyone else’s drama is just too delicious to pass up! But this week, our ambivalent detachment has left us focused solely on ourselves. It’s not a bad thing. We’re going to spend the first part of the week fixing up a few of our character flaws because by the end of the week, we’re going to have to have an important conversation with a loved one. Right. One of those, “Let’s talk about Us” things. Be ready.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Some of our Leos returned from Tibet with lots of pretty souvenirs to share. Most of the others scaled back their crazy master plans by the end of last week and compromised their intentions by founding a meditation center in their hometown, as opposed to freeing a war-torn country. Leo, you’ve still got a lot of work to do on your newly founded endeavor, and the bad news is that it’s not going to pay off right away. In fact, you’re probably going to find yourself asking to borrow money from even your cheapest old uncles, because you’re about to get slammed with the bills. Don’t worry. I don’t see bankruptcy this week, but you may feel that’s the way it’s going. Keep in mind that things take a long time to grow, and it’s going to be awhile before you see rewards. Don’t do the Leo thing by waving a white flag in anticipation of attack. Keep at it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I’m not apologizing to the crew of Virgos I offended last week at Reverend Jen’s anti-slam. Someone asked me what I knew about Virgos and I said, “Who cares? They don’t believe in astrology anyway.” Suddenly, a half-dozen Virgos replied, “HEY…” “No, really,” I said. “Do you actually buy this stuff?” One Virgo woman shrugged and murmured, “I kinda do…I don’t know….” No, I’m not apologizing. You know you only read this because you either know me and like me, or you know me and are paranoid I’m going to talk about you in particular. Wow. That went on longer than I meant it to. Anyway, kudos to the Virgos for their recent attempts at open communication with their peers and lovers. Looks like it went well. This week promises even more of those kinds of conversations, and they’re only going to get easier because they’re getting better at it. This new fountain of dialogue brings with it new creative collaborations, exciting new opportunities on the job and potentially sex. Again, I said “potentially.” I will not take your complaints if this doesn’t ring true. So there.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras have been through an interesting time lately. They would much rather secretly open all the Christmas presents three days ahead of time than actually be surprised with what they find under the tree, but recently, they’ve been subject to numerous surprises which have left them surprisingly happy. No, Libra. No Magic-8 ball could possibly tell you everything that’s going to come your way. Except mine. But I’m not sharing. But in surprise visits, surprise revelations, surprise parties—we learn things about ourselves. For some Libras, they learned they could feed twenty hippies on two boxes of rice when their nephew’s traveling commune made a surprise visit. That’s a strength! For others, the surprise hot-air balloon ride their lover planned taught them they have a tremendous fear of heights. That could be a weakness—although I consider it a safety mechanism. Either way, Libra is happy to have this information. Events at the end of next week are going to require more knowledge of how much you can take. No further information is available at this time.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I want to respond to recent allegations of me being a Scorpio-hater. Let me reiterate. I do not hate Scorpio. I don’t even dislike Scorpio. If you’d ever read the whole blog, you’d see that I’m mean to all the signs on a regular basis. (i.e., please see this week’s Virgo reading.) However, Scorpios are particularly easy to antagonize. Maybe if you weren’t so damn paranoid, you wouldn’t freak out about the things I say about you. I’m not quite sure what battle you started last week, but I think the roots of it were all in your discombobulated mind. It doesn’t look as though anyone was out to get you, this time. It might be a good time to pull back and deal with the negative feedback in your head. You’ve got some good things coming your way in the realm of relationships. People are finally going to start returning your emails, in less than seven days time. Fire sign friends in particular may need your psychic abilities to fight crime and injustice. Clear your third-eye, now.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Hooray! The slumpy, sad energy clogging our favorite fire sign is finally about to be broken! Sag, I do hope you took my flimsy advice last week and sat around in a touchy-feely state. If you did, you’ve probably finally figured out what was crawling up your tushy and maybe even got some cream for it. This week, you’re going to continue to have those crucial conversations with people, and they’re going to make your skin crawl far less than usual. Keep in mind that your friend or lover may have more things to say to you, and you may need to take the unusual Sag step of saying, “Hey baby, is there something you want to talk about?” Particularly if you’re involved with a Taurus. (Please read opening essay for more details.) It looks as though a nagging issue is going to be resolved. Fix it, have a beer, enjoy the brief, quiet aftermath of “Problem Solved.” Because as soon as you fix one, Old Mother Universe will fart another one your way! It’s a Universal Truth.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn had a great week last week. They were right about something everyone knew it! Maybe not even that extreme. But our Goat friends were riding high and having themselves a good time. What now, they ask? Well, it’s Blank Canvas week! That’s right, Capricorn! Job well done, battle completed and won. You can go to Disneyland, or you can go to Bermuda. You can start a children’s charity or you can throw a dinner party for everyone that helped along the way. Whatever you do, know that you’re in a sensitive time that means whatever you’re putting in the world will set the course for you for the next long period. There’s a warning here not to yield to the temptation of telling everyone what to do. They’re floundering, but you’re going to need to let them flounder around for awhile. Just because you want your loved ones to have a certain haircut because it really will frame their face so much better, unless you’re will to front the cash for it, get the hell off their case. Don’t set your blank canvas with resentment as a result of being bossy. Set it with pretty flowers and rainbows and pots of chocolate gold!!!

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
See? Mom was right. You didn’t finish your glass of milk yesterday and now your growth is permanently stunted. Just kidding, it’s not that intense. But there has been a minor disaster in the form of a flooded boiler or a misplaced purchase order which has prevented things from going smoothly. I don’t know much about boilers, but I know that with purchase orders, it can mean the difference between your co-workers getting the pens they want and a whole case of Lysol wipes they don’t need. Examine your role in this. Were you too hung over to properly check the catalog before ordering? Possibly? No worries. You’re going to make great friends with the delivery guy, who will help you out of the jam. There’s a note here to be careful with your friends and lovers right now. Aquarius, you are so free and flowing and some of us just aren’t that expressive. We don’t realize that when you’re ignoring us, you’re not really ignoring us, you’re just having a good time. Pay attention to the needy people in your life. They’re going to need extra attention this week.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
I think the retreat to the Fortress of Solitude was a great idea for last week, but you’re going to need to bust out all of your super-hero tools again in the coming week. You’re going to have to slay an orc on behalf of a lover, or chain yourself to a tree in defense against the evil toilet-paper manufacturers. When your battle and/or jail time is complete, you’ll find the chance of returning to your old way of life will be quite slim. The good news is that you’ll have lots of opportunity to shape-shift into an entirely new life form! Think of all the dimensions you’ll get to visit!!! Seriously, though. Once the drama has worked itself out, you’ll have the opportunity to create a new space for yourself. Put glorious, fabulous things into it, and glorious, fabulous things will jump out and give you a big, fat kiss on the mouth!

You can fit seven monkeys in a cauldron before they get cranky about it.

It’s the week of April 30-May 6…and it’s only going to get better!!!

Yeah, so....I didn't get finished with my Taurus dedication. You Bulls are tough, you know? I will I will I will get something up before I have to write about Gemini.

I want to give a special HAPPY FUCKING BIRTHDAY to my baby sister, Meredith, who has her Taurus celebration tomorrow!!!!!!

Aries (Mar. 21-April 19)
Your best friend moved to Omaha. You lover needs space. Your ex finally deleted your from his or her MySpace account, which bothers you more than you care to admit. Golly. I do hope you only experienced one of the above! You do realize there isn’t a whole lot you can do this time around, right? The Universe is quite aware of Aries’ disdain for anything that begins with a “p” and ends with “atience.” Tough shit. If you start making noise, it’s only going to make things worse. Think—your ex might BLOCK USER you, and that would be really embarrassing back home. And since we all know Aries is second only to Cancer in not-letting-ANYTHING-go, you get the same lecture I give my fellow Cancerians every week: just try really, really hard to focus on something else. Anything else. Play some pool. Call your mom. Go the firing range. It will quite possibly replace your angst with good times. However, calling your mom may provide more drama, but at the very least, it will distract you until this current wave is over. Best of luck with that.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Hmm…it’s not really in the nature of Taurus to dole out cash to the other animals in the Zodiac barn—but they’ve been up to something that’s leaving them feeling used and unappreciated. Did you do too many freelance hours “for the experience?” Have you been distributing photocopies of notes to the same person who always sleeps through the noon lecture? Did you help a friend move—a “friend” you’re pretty sure took a shower with your lover last week? And now you’re feeling angry for quasi-undefined reasons? Taurus, we may feel for you, but no one feels sorry for you. You know you’re too smart for that. Besides, it’s your BIRTHDAY MONTH!!! They should all be waiting on you, right? THAT’S not going to happen…but several conversations need to be had. Don’t do the Taurus thing of waiting for them to come to you to find out why you’re pouting and kicking a can down the street. It’s, again, probably too late to address those who have already put you out, but when the situation re-presents itself—and I guarantee that it will—you’ll be all ready with your magic chainsaw to kick some ass.

Gemini(May 21-June 20)
I’m not apologizing to any angry Geminis who did not get laid last week. If you’d read the entire reading, you would have seen that if Gemini wasn’t getting laid, Gemini was quietly contemplating their life and loves and blah blah in solitude. Which is why we didn’t see much of you guys last week. No more emails, please. Well, your break from reality paid off. Your mind is a blank canvas, and that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re vacant. If you, the Gemini, took that very difficult step for a Gemini and sat still for a few days, you’ll find that this week will provide all sorts of delightful epiphanies that may solve a global problem or two! If you didn’t take this time last week, you’re going to pay for it this week in the form or a job cancellation, a broken limb or a bad, bad hangover—any of which will keep you laid up in bed, and not in the good way you were hoping for when you read last week’s horrorscope. Take this time to contemplate the things that need contemplation, since you refused to do it when the signs were more favorable. What kinds of nutty things need to get fixed in your life, besides your glue-sniffing addiction? Loose ends need tying in the Twins’ world right now. Do it before the Monkeys pull another “sterile” reading on your ass.

Cancer (June 21-July 22 )
Yeah. We Cancerians have not been the most pleasant beasts to play with this week. Beyond the normal brooding inherent to the Crabs, we were angsty about things we could do nothing about, lethargic from a diet of solely lemons and maple, or cackling and running off barefoot into the woods when we just couldn’t take it anymore. It’s not our fault, guys. We’re sensitive and by the way, we like ourselves that way, so FUCK OFF. But! This week is the glorious return we’ve been waiting to see. Cancerians around the Universe will be throwing out half-eaten boxes of Thin Mints and jogging ourselves back to the gym. We’ll finally get around to scrubbing the crusty dishes, we may even finish chapter two of the novel that is currently being ignored on the grounds of “horrorscopes.” Here’s the icky news: whatever problem we’re finally getting off our ass to solve cannot be solved using ordinary measures. Time to charge a new wand, if you’re into that. Time to use a new book on constructive communication (please don’t tell me you buy those books…). Think of it as getting new presents from the Cosmic Santa Claus. More ways to kick ass the next time the world is out to get us!!! And since it seems to come after us more often than not, this is very good news!!!


Leo (July 23-August 22)
Well, everyone. Say goodbye to the Leos we all once knew. Having had their soul-rending affirmations confirmed, they’ve given away their belongings and are on their way to Tibet to chant for the rest of this mortal cycle. This may be an extreme case. The rest of the Leos have had their seasonal breakthrough and are looking at things differently, which is why they’re not returning your phone calls at the moment. No worries, they’ll be back around. Now, Leo. You do realize that new perspectives also bring new obstacles, right? I think Tibet may require a special visa—or some special shots anyway. Don’t take itty-bitty set-backs personally. The world has not set itself up in favor of your demise. Try chanting that a few times in between your new mantras. This could be a good time for you, but if the initial roadblocks make you want to turn back, then what the hell was all that reading and meditating you did good for?

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
This week, our Virgins are the sole exceptions on a planet on which only the morons survived the Apocalypse. What did I tell you? You got pulled into someone else’s mess—again—and it looks like you’re the one who has to play janitor, right? Wrong. Their problem. Their mess. Their clean-up. Your only job is to play the sounding wall. Listen. Nod. Say, “I see…” a lot and mean it. These people are not going to do what you think is best anyway, so don’t even bother piping up. Sometimes people need to screw up big time in order to never let it happen again. And they’ll probably learn things in ways you find counter-productive. You need to focus on you right now, anyway. There’s good news. The Muse you’ve been waiting for is on her way with a big, sloppy kiss on the third-eye for you! You’ll spin around in your phone booth a couple hundred times and come out with an awesome cape on. You may even be able to leap a lot. Pretty much anything can happen for you after your pretty Muse pays her visit. So stick to you and leave them to them.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
So, you worked hard and found a couple of solutions. Your sink no longer leaks, your boss no longer thinks you’re a total fuck-up, and you scored some attention with the person you’re drooling all over. This is all great and all, but let’s not get too stuck to the way things are now. That’s the quickest way to get it to blow all to hell. Oh, yeah. And quit doing the compromising thing. Kind of a tough thing to tell the sign symbolized by Scales, but if you’re finding yourself saying, “My roommate is a month late on rent again and crashed my computer while downloading kiddy porn—but buddy makes great nachos!!!” maybe it’s time to shake things up a bit. We know you don’t like things to change when you’re comfortable with them—even if you could be a little more comfortable if they shook up a bit—but let’s get real, shall we? Pay attention to any tiny bits of bad news you may receive. Don’t ignore it and don’t let it freak you out. Sometimes these little nasties open opportunities to get rid of big nasties. Watch, and you’ll see what I mean.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Oh dear. I’m now going to strongly encourage everyone to avoid Scorpio for the next week. Or month. They’re pissed. Again. I don’t know who did it. Okay, yeah. It was me. Of course, being Scorpio, they’re providing this information to the masses in a cool, dark and mildly threatening manner, finished off with a charming grin. I’m watching my back. Yeah, Scorpio, whether someone severely displeased you or you had something fabulous fall all to spectacular pieces, it really wasn’t your doing and couldn’t possibly have been helped. Take all the pretty pieces and put them in a jar. Bury it under your back porch and water it with your tears of fury. Someday, a beautiful tree will grow from those pieces, with a big, wide trunk spacious enough to hide the bodies of your enemies. Honestly, though. This loss is only clearing the way for something far more glorious to make its way through. Mourn your loss and plot your revenge. Before you know it, new things will enter the fray that will make you forget all about the nasty things I wrote about you on the bathroom wall.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
When Sag is unhappy, the world doesn’t feel right. Our fiery optimists are confused and frustrated and being who they are, can’t figure out what the hell those watery drops are that just fell out of their face—although they’re kind of salty and that’s kind of tasty. Sag, if something upset you, take a moment and acknowledge it. Don’t just go running to the next bar. If this is in regards to a relationship, you’re going to need to sit down on something comfy with your beloved or MostRecentEx and spell out in your common tongue exactly what they’re doing that sucks. But before you do that, you also need to have that conversation with yourself. What is it that you do that brings sucky things to you? We all have them. If we attract what we disperse, figure out what it is you’re dispersing and turn it into jelly beans. Then, there will be this dawning of understanding between you and everyone else in your life and everyone will live happily ever after for at least the rest of the week. Plus, we’ll all be glad you’re dispersing happy jelly-bean energy.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The Zodiac Goats have been far too busy this week. This reading flew out of the cauldron—as your readings tend to do, you know? You finally started to get some payback for all the good deeds and hard work you’ve been putting out there. Of course, you deserve far more than you’ve received already, but making that point over the intercom at your work isn’t going to bring the rest of your reward any faster. I’m seeing that your recent success is part of an ongoing thing that will take about a year to complete. Don’t get greedy. I’ve been told that the road to success has about sixty potholes the size of toddlers for every two inches of smooth road. And, there’s usually traffic. If you are stuck, take this opportunity to take a nap at the wheel. But only if you’re officially stalled, that is. Rest and regroup. Things will eventually move again on their own, and you’ll be all energized from your nappy time—not worn out from slamming the horn and screaming at other drivers.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Yep. Just like your buddies Capricorn and Libra, you were working hard on improving yourself inside and out and doing pretty well at that, too—when Planet Xena sneezed extra hard and blew a meteor into your Water-Jug. That sucks. But cosmically speaking, that sort of bad timing happens only as often as getting struck by lightening here on earth or getting past the first round of American Idol. Don’t get disheartened by your latest disruption. Anyone who actually reads this column knows you’ve had your unfair share of disasters since your birthdays. Maybe you’re getting them all out of the way now, and it will get better for the rest of the year! Good news, kids! A monkey just slipped a note about partnership under my nose. Maybe you’ll meet someone in group therapy this week! Maybe they’ll be rich and famous and you’ll romantically elope and adopt seven gorgeous children from China. It may not happen, but it’s a thought! At the very least, you’ll strengthen friendships and family ties through this latest ordeal. At the end, you’ll find that great giant blessings come in blown to hell packages.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Good work, Pisces. Unlike the rest of us, you’ve put your rough times to good use. Taking this opportunity to work on your patience and discipline instead of whining to your therapist will most certainly get you into Ninja school yet. The trial isn’t over yet, sweetie. It’s actually about to get tougher. Keep with your patience training and don’t get frustrated. Don’t try to hide from your pain, it will only pop up in the middle of the night to scream, “BOO-yah!!!!” Take note of the times when it’s better to just stay home from the party. There may be plenty of hot girls there, but if you stay out of the center of things, one might just come to where you are, and then you already have privacy.

GOOD GOD.....

IT'S COMING. I SWEAR. I HAVEN'T FORGOTTEN ANY OF YOU.

Don't blame the cleanse. Blame the full moon in Scorpio.

Tomorrow, babies. Tomorrow.