Hey kids!
It’s almost time for the next installment of the Ass-tro Hour!!!
Saturday, August 4, 9:00 p.m.
stain
766 grand streetbrooklyn, ny 11211
(L to Grand, 1 block west)
718/387-7840
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE!!!
Special guest, dancer Mary Cochran with a funked out piece special for the Ass-tro Hour. (How does her body do that???) Plus, free astrological advice and a turn at the Magic Microphone!!!
Now, for your regularly scheduled debauchery….
Welcome to the realm of the leonine creatures who loll in the shade when it gets too hot, break out their claws when things get nasty, and spend the nights hunting for flesh and cold drink…
Yes, my sinners…it’s the time of year to celebrate those crazy-ass bastards who steal all the attention with flashy regalia and loud voices at every party. The ones who get laid at every turn. The sexy, purring creatures we’d all love to hate if they didn’t turn out to be such big, giant sweethearts—our friends, the Leos!!!
(Leos like marvelously large introductions.)
Leos were the kids in the back of the class in third grade who made fart noises just to get a laugh and read “A People’s History of the United States” in ninth grade just for fodder to use in arguments with the teacher—but unlike Aries or Sag who enjoys a fight for its own sake, Leo does the research and fights to defend their opinion. Leos plan your political rallies and start your underground arts movements. You’ll probably find them insatiably fired up over one cause, and just when they’ve convinced you to denounce your possessions and follow them to India, they’ve given up Buddhism for the Libertarian Party. (Don’t ask them to explain the jump. They won’t be able to.)
If you work with a Leo, they’re some sort of spokesperson or phone person or the one that welcomes you to the Gap in the front of the store. They’re lots of fun to look at and talk to, and they’re the ones to who you smile and nod and let think are managing the whole store because the idea of power excites them—but not responsibility. If they had to manage a whole bunch of assholes for a living, they’d quit and go on welfare.
Leos are fab-u-lous in the sack and if you haven't tried a Leo yet, get your ass on MySpace or Match or whatever and just look for Leos. No other qualifications need apply. They start out cuddly and sweet and get wilder as the night goes on, rocking you with animalistic intensity that leaves your bed and body shaking and your neighbors pounding on the walls—begging you to either move out or share. They like ropes and gags and hair pulling—but not right away. Start out sweet and gentle with them, or you’ll frighten them away. Leos carry love wounds very deeply, but unlike many other signs that cling to hurt, Leo is more than willing to renounce their old emotional baggage in exchange for new wounds at your hands.
Be very gentle with them. As much as they like to pretend to be the biggest, baddest asses around, deep down they want you to approve of everything they do. Just go with me on this one, guys. Don't try to give them a good character shaping. Wait until their next lifetime when they come back as a Capricorn. If you hurt a Leo's feelings, it's kind of like when you yell at your cat. They will hide under the couch for three days, pulling a most spectacular guilt trip. Take care of your Leo friends. They’re the ones most likely to yell at the cop giving you the open container ticket—and the most likely to go to jail on your behalf for your dumb ass infraction. These kids are going to be your most loyal friends, and even if you make enemies with them for some reason I can’t even imagine (don’t know a single Leo with real enemies), eventually they’ll come back around for pets and cuddles.
However, Leo can and does get angry—every angry—and is wont to tear shit up. Particularly if this is in regards to their image or heart. I’ve read many a Leo post break-up blog which made me fear for the douche who did them wrong. Leos are better off when surrounded by loving, sweet people who can scratch them behind the ears when things get scary. Truthfully, nothing in the outer world is as scary to a Leo as the constant battle going on in their own heads.
Leos are talented and determined enough to accomplish anything that they want to. The greatest hindrance is their massive insecurity complex. One bad date and they swear they’ll never get laid again. One customer says the mocha they made doesn’t have enough whip, and they throw down their apron and say, “I SUCK at barista stuff!!!” It’s the whole all or nothing routine that keeps most Leos sexless and unemployed. Leos can be prone to serious bouts of depression that scare the whole world—holing themselves up for days at a time. Looking out of the moment and understanding that nothing is permanent will help a Leo get through the dramatic spells they occasionally become drawn to.
I’m just kidding, Leo. You’re the best and the brightest and everyone loves you the most!!!! (Right, guys? Say it with me…)
To the Leos of the Convent of Sensual Salvation, a happy happy HAPPIEST OF ALL BIRTHDAYS OF ALL TIME!!! Shawn Randall, Reverend Jen, Tony Curto, Brian Silliman, Luscious Lindsay, Boni Joi, Tilly, Liam McEneaney and Brian M.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Last week, on As the Aries Freaks, the fiery rams were called upon to eliminate bullshit in their immediate vicinity. They attempted to facilitate constructive dialogue between their co-workers, but when these baffoons started eating the therapeutic play-doh out of nerves and anguish, Aries decided it might just be time to blowtorch the place and start again. Good work, Aries. Nearly everyone got out with only second degree burns. Aries is magical, as they’re very good at using complete destruction to their advantage. Your friends are standing around the ruins, scratching their butts and wondering what the hell to do next. You’ve already got an idea for “next,” and a kick-ass marketing plan to go with it. Just don’t forget to do the dishes.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s okay to admit it, Taurus. You really did expect more from Lindsay Lohan and you’re taking it kind of personally that she’s letting her shit fall all to pieces. She won your tender little heart with that “Daddy to Daughter” video and you’ve been sending her psychic vibes of goodwill which she obviously has been ignoring. I think it’s safe to say you’re wasting a lot of energy, friend. Maybe you should light those candles for someone a little closer to you. Maybe that next door neighbor with the kid with leukemia! That’s a good cause, too. Doesn’t mean you’ll have any more ability to cure cancer than you can keep your sweet Lindsay sober, but perhaps your good vibes will be better appreciated in closer proximity.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Did you leave your credit card at the bar again? Were you busy delivering a diatribe on Orgasms for Peace, and didn’t even notice the place closing? Do you even remember being bundled into the Wino Wagon? Gemini, you should have known better than to mix ethanol with acetone. Not only did the bartender give herself a $200 tip on your tab, you’re stuck in rehab with a bunch of people who have no interest in Orgasms for Peace—they only want to bitch about their deadbeat dads. Now you’re in the starting over period, but the good news is that your friends are drastically bored without your presence and are raising money to bribe your sponsor to release you. Upon achieving your freedom, you’ll be expected to stay sober. Don’t panic. Being that the other choice is rehab with the depressing vegetables. Learn the benefits of discretion with the flask to avoid these situations down the line.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Part of the constant cycle of break-up, cry, get-over it by finding strength in self. Cancerians across the Universe have worked extremely hard to loosen the claws from our last heartbreak and found a new sense of lovely in our pretty selves! To celebrate…we fell ridiculously in love all over again! Hooray!!! Oh, wait. Turns out it’s the twin-clone-incarnate of our last romantic disaster. Friends, psychics and smart-ass astrologers around the globe are screaming, “Don’t GO there again, you stupid, pissy MORON!!!” Are we listening? Hell, no we’re not listening!!! What is a Cancer without a dramatic turn of heart every six weeks or so? Leave us ALONE, YOU JADED MOTHERF*CKERS!!!! Don’t try to fix us. We’re perfectly happy being broken.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
The Leonine creatures are looking all sexy from their birthday spa treatments. Whether this is a literal or figurative spa treatment, Leos have been using their birthdays to reevaluate and reconfirm that they are indeed, the sexiest bitches in the cosmic spectrum. Now, they’re setting half-year New Year’s Resolutions. (One of the many nice things about having a summer birthday!) In addition to setting all these new goals for making more cash, losing more weight and having more indiscriminate string-less flings, include on your list that you’re going to stop calling your ex during times of crisis. Or times of boredom. Or times of extreme drunkenness. Leos are second only to Cancers in the ways of Not Letting Old Shit Go. But Cancers gain cheap satisfaction from said action. Leo, it only confuses you.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Year of 2007 has been for Virgo: the Year Where The Universe Just Won’t Stop Hurling Toxic Paintballs At Their Genitals. It’s been rough for the “Virgins” so far. Fortunately, the Drama Fairy has decided to take a vacation in the latter part of the zodiac, leaving you kids alone for the time being to lick your wounds. You may even get a settlement from the accident—the flying monkeys have indicated that cash could be heading Virgo’s way. Don’t get too excited, sorry to say. The Universe is only using this to bribe you away from jumping off the planet. Drama Fairy is coming back toward the end of the week with all sorts of nasty surprises in her stinky purse. Don’t blame me, or the cauldron, and don’t set any more of my monkeys on fire. It’s not our fault you’re in a wretched period of growth and learning.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Friends of Libras haven’t heard much from them this past week. When Libra is quiet, it usually means that all is well. Or…they’ve been very VERY bad and slept with their boss’s husband or something and are hiding away in guilt. Actually, the cauldron says that nothing major is affecting our pretty Libras, but they are taking some time to contemplate all the new people, places and things that have fallen onto their scales in the past six months. This will change in about three days when Libra will have a massive revelation about something they want to do for their lover’s birthday and will need all kinds of reassurance that they’re doing the right thing. If you, friend of Libra, find your cell phone beginning to ring incessantly with a chattery Libra—be patient. They’re growing and need all of our applause.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio has had occasion for joy in the past week, although I can’t imagine what could have died that delighted them, so. Nah, it actually looks as though they’re genuinely happy in the Disney-meadow kind of way…with birds and sunshine, not because Bambi’s mother bites it. In fact, things are going to be going so well for Scorpio that they’re going to be quite relieved when the Great Cosmic Destroyer brings back chaos. Seriously, Scorpio. Don’t get too comfortable in your happy place. First of all, it’s freaking us out. Second, it’s extremely temporary. Sorry.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, one of your most delightfully infuriating qualities includes you running on caffeinated Energizer batteries for six, seven, eight days or weeks at a time until you’re so exhausted you’ve blearily gotten behind the wheel (bad Sag…) and found yourself on the side of the road of a neighboring state in a town you’ve never heard of and you don’t even know how long you’ve been there. In trying to take on all the burdens around, you end up harming yourself and the rest of us spend a lot of money on your search party and medical bills. This time, we’re going to insist you pay us back in yardwork instead of beer. It’s going to take awhile to repair all the damage you did by trying to take on everything yourself. The good news is that we’re all going to love you even more in the end. You’re Sag. We can’t resist you. Don’t beat yourself up for your inane actions. Just finish mowing, please.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Old Man Blabbermouth took a visit to your life this week. Whether overhearing something while you were in the bathroom stall, or someone accidentally hit “reply-all” on an email, or whether someone just got too drunk and told you all about it—you’ve got the truth now, Capricorn. What do you plan to do with it? Fuck Disneyland, you crazy kid. Fuck also hiding in your apartment, waiting for the confrontation to find you. You’re going to need to initiate the conversation, and this is probably going to end up with you dismissing someone. It’s timely. Don’t do your Capricorn thing of expecting a specific reaction, and getting all bent out of shape when you don’t. There is no way to measure the depth of the “Oh…I fucked up…” in another person. Have faith that it’s there and do some yoga or kickboxing to healthily release the negative toxins that are sure to boil after this week. Good luck, baby!!!
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
I think your own moon is affecting you this week, sweetheart. Did I mention we’re wading through an Aquarius full moon? You’re going to feel even more detached and isolated than usual. The strange thing is that for once, your coveted solitude will get to you. Is it the Leo influence? Possibly. Very rare cases of lonely Aquarius have been known to be seen, but feeling crappy occasionally is the only way to truly appreciate the un-crappy. Consider inviting one of your empathetic and enabling buddies over, the one who’s usually trying to save you from yourself? Let them hold your hand while you cry a little. You’ll get annoyed nearly instantly and you’ll find yourself wanting that cold place of isolation again. See? The cure is often in the ailment. Don’t know why I put that in your reading, but it makes me look authoritative.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Few things sadden Sister Mary more than an upset Pisces. Pisces, the immediate world around you seems smooth and pretty, but you’ve got those little sad gremlins running around and wreaking havoc in your stride just because they’re evil bastards—not because there’s anything truly wrong going for you. You may have ridiculously impulsive moments where you want to make a phone call to someone you probably don’t need to talk to. You may want to quit your job and hitchhike to the opposite coast. You may want to throw a drink in the face of the bitch or bastard who dated your ex immediately after you, even though that too has been over for a long time. Please, please, PLEASE don’t do anything hasty that will cause permanent problems for you or anyone else. If there’s anything you feel you should do, promise yourself you’ll wait three days before doing it. If this thing has any sort of violence to it—don’t do it at all.
Sunday, July 29, 2007
Sunday, July 22, 2007
Bwah ha ha...Welcome to Reality...
Major steam pipes bursting, tremendous thunderstorms, couples blowing apart…something crazy is going on in the Cosmos, friends and lovers! As you’ve surely noticed, we’re all feeling tremendous pressure that doesn’t seem to want to give up until it pounds us in our nuts and ovaries a few more times. Can’t even blame it on the Retrograde, this time. Sister Mary wishes she had an Astrological explanation for you. More so, she wishes she could get back up into the sky and slay that ass-hat of a dragon that’s causing all this drama. Unfortunately, she has too many charts to draw this week.
This week, our little Zodiac warriors will be called upon once again to eliminate bullshit in their lives and those around them. Time to pull everyone into the Holy Conference Room to air out grievances. Quick suggestion: demand that each participant wear a giant plastic penis on their head. The ridiculous appearance of each individual will minimize the amount of bloodshed, and maximize the amount of cathartic hugs and impromptu orgies. You, of course, will subtract yourself from the plastic penis exercise which will inevitably piss off your subordinates. Either do a better job at hiding your hypocrisy, or give up hypocrisy all together. (Just wear the plastic penis.)
Taurus, this was a difficult week for you. Your jobless roommate snatched your copy of the latest Harry Potter, read it while you were at work blabbed out the end when you walked in the door. You were a victim in this incidence, Taurus. While we all must discover our role in our own suffering, most of misfortune was out of your control. It will take all of your strength and resolve not to press the pillow into your roommate’s face while they sleep—but Taurus, this is strength you must find. Believe that loss also provides opportunity. Go out to the bookstore and find another cultish-pop-cultural-read, devour the whole thing before they make another movie.
Gemini figured that the best way to deal with being lost in translation that they went out and ordered the Rosetta Stone thing they saw on late night t.v. They learned Spanish, French and Swahili—yet it did nothing to help them learn to actually communicate. Their friends, lovers and significant others are still throwing their hands in the air: “WHY DON’T YOU EVER LISTEN?” Yet, you’re still hearing, “Lemonade?” Gemini, it’s time to put away the manuals and the headphones. The tangible things you are using to make your life easier are actually making everything a far bigger pain in the ass. I realize you’re confused, so I’ll use smaller words: “Put-down-toys. But-present-for-honey.”
Hmm….looks as though the Crabs have been spending too much time with Gemini this week. Well, the good news is that we worked hard on our respective bake sales, and even if we weren’t raking in all the dough (Yeesh. Horrible, unintentional pun…), we certainly got a lot of stars from the local critics. Now, it’s time to fire all the workers who nibbled the profits. That’s right! While we’re in this time of miscommunication and confusion, it’s a good time to put priorities in order and get rid of crap that’s prohibiting us from making more cash and connections. Crabs rarely feel like anyone understands a word they’re saying. That’s certainly not going to change, this week anyway. Might as well make some mula and spring a vacation for ourselves.
Excuse me, Gemini and Cancer would like to buy some of whatever glue Leo is sniffing this week. The neurons destroyed by said action have somehow provided a moment of clarity. The frustrations Leos have felt over the past few weeks have exploded into giggles and cuddles all around. Quick note of caution for our pretty kitties: You’re likely to fall in love and want to try eloping to Vegas again. Last time you tried this, the story ended with a dead hooker and a box of doughnuts. Jail time, too, if the flying monkeys remember correctly. Leo, if you do fall in love this week, try to take it slowly. Give it at least a second coffee date before you bring the U-Haul.
The Virgins of the Universe cleaned out their Cosmic garages this week. It took the neighbors filing a city ordinance complaint about the smell, but at least it happened. Crap. Now the ASPCA discovered your Playboy Bunny—breeding experiment. Yeah, the one you forgot all about and not only have the Bunnies created a Matriarcal/Communist colony you must dismantle, but you’ve got a bunch of angry vegan feminists hurling tempeh and tampons at your front door at all hours of the night. Sometimes cleansing these dark corners requires more work than simply hauling old clothes to the sidewalk. You’re, again, being taught patience, O Impatient Virginal one. Seriously, though. The bunny thing was a bad idea.
Okay, Libra. One more me-me-me spree and we’re throwing your asses off the planet. You are hereby commanded by the Flying Monkeys of the Cauldron to take a break from your banter and do seven Downward Dogs and get some blood back into your head. You’re screaming at your computer screen, “But this ISN’T about me!!!” You think you’re trying to do right for others by camping out on their stoop long after the relationship was ended. But do they really need your sweet lovin’, or do you need them to need your sweet lovin’? Knowing when it’s time to get off the stoop is the sign of the wizened warrior. Knowing when to let go can save you the trouble of the restraining order.
Ah, Stinger King or Queen…depression and blocks come in fits and waves to all of us. No one enjoys misery more than Scorpio, and the past week provided plenty of it. However, once you got tired of staring at the dungeon walls, you decided to go back upstairs and ask for a new dominatrix—one with a sunnier name like June. Snakebite, the bitch, was bringing you down and even that was getting dull. Embracing the opposite of what you knew to be right for you will bring you fresh opportunities and quite possibly, the coveted multiple orgasm. Enjoy this fertile period of exploration…you’ve certainly begged for it long enough.
Ha! Sag has been caught leafing through their old diaries and scouring for lost lovers on Facebook. Hee hee hee…and you like to play the “It’s all in the past” game. We knew you were sentimental. Like it or not, Sag, you too have been holding onto a hurt you should have let go long before. In addition, Sag likes to run head-first into the same brick wall that gave them a concussion a few times before—just to prove that it didn’t really hurt. While it’s quite entertaining to the rest of us who have nothing better to do but watch, it may be causing you permanent damage. You don’t have to admit outright that you were hurt (it’s not like you can hide it, though), but quit that shit before we have to take you back to the ER.
This week, Capricorn, we’re going to talk all about relationships!!! That’s right little ones, strengthening ties with the ones you love will be all consuming in the coming days. You’ll need to listen as well as talk, you’ll need to pay for the whole meal, not just your portion. You may even need to break out the toys your partner is always asking for, even though they creep your shit out. When things get frustrating, as they surely will, you may be tempted to scour the personals for someone better. At this junction, you won’t find it. Not only will any new person who comes along have heaps more baggage, they’ll have hygiene issues as well. Stick with what you’ve got. At least your person brushes their teeth regularly.
Normally sexy bar fly Aquarius is having troubles at the moment getting laid. Perhaps it’s in the cosmos, but more likely it’s just in the timing. Aquarius loves to hide in chaos, but this time even the Universe is pulling away all distractions. If you don’t have the resources to sublet your place and go hang out in the
Pisces’ week began with a blast from the maternal-copulating past. Maybe you got an email from an old friend, but more likely you’re experiencing massive quantities of deja-vu so intense you plan on spending the rest of the week looking for the marble at the bottom of the Guinness bottle. Stop that. You’re supposed to be reminded of something you’re hiding from. Some boy/girl scout badge never got completed and the Great Den Mother in the sky is tying up all the loose ends on her list. Instead of facing this person or issue head-on, you’re pacing your apartment worried to death about screwing up again. Look within. You’ll be delighted to discover that you do indeed have the answers, and don’t have to spend the eighty bucks to get your therapist’s take.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Dating a Crab? You're not alone!!!
Something else about Cancers: We’re the second biggest narcissists in the Zodiac. (Scorpio is the first.)
Last week, I had an insecure Cancerian moment when trying to discuss the crabs as lovers. I asked blog readers to submit their testimonials, if they have ever had the privilege to be driven insane by a Cancer. Responses flew in, but this is the only one that didn’t make us sound like total psychos.
If you ever needed someone to hold you when you are feeling down - this is the one. They won't help in the way of advice and sometimes asking them what you should do in a bad situation will agitate or confuse them, Cancers will hold your hand and your heart while you are in a sad place. But, they are not as good if you continue to be a downer. Eventually they will stop the hugging and the petting and say, get off your ass and deal. Of course, they will not tell you how to deal b/c again, this agitates or confuses.
Cancers are extremely playful and extremely sensitive in bed. They have a wonderful kinky side to them and will push the envelope until you say no - or the safety word. Then they will back off and cater to your needs. But, they will always try again. They make their partners feel extremely comfortable and will get you to try new things without you even knowing until it is over.
Cancers will make you dinner at night and breakfast in the morning. They love to have their hang out partner who will sit on the couch and veg out and a partner who will make tracks when they need some space to go be in their heads.
It is not easy to love a Cancer (then again, aren't we all hard to love). When they are cranky, they will go into their shell or pinch you. But, they are fun and never a dull moment. And, a partner could learn to really stretch themselves as a person.
(Thank you, anonymous donor!!!)
Welcome to the week of July 15-21! And you were just about to hang yourself….
Aries (March 21-April 19)
This past week found Aries in their favorite state of frustration: arms crossed and facing the wall, not paying attention to anyone—not even that pesky firefighter trying to let them know the building was burning down. Back at the burn unit, Aries realized perhaps it was time to listen to the advice of others. Just this once, and then they can go back to being right about everything. Now, if only Aries could figure out how to control the future of themselves and everyone around them. Dejected, Aries will draw the same conclusion—“Can’t control everything this time, either. Fuck.” Cheer up, Aries. The burns will heal and the plastic surgery will do wonders. You’ll have the opportunity to pretend to run everything again in no time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Our favorite bulls spent the last week building orphanages and feeding the poor and buying drinks for recently dumped friends. They get Zodiac Friend of the Week award, from all of us!!! The Retrograde managed to miss most of their lives, and they felt compelled to repair the unfortunate and the pathetic. A word of caution, gentle Taurus. We’re likely to become dependent on your generous nature and it will hurt our feelings when you suddenly get fed up with our whining and bitching and needing $20. You did say it was okay, after all. Let us know now how much you’re willing to do for us, and give us the boundary. We can’t read your mind. We never have, and we never will. Stop holding that against us.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Damn. Well, now I know whose bugging Taurus for a free ride. Gemini’s streak of luck fell apart in spectacular proportions, and they’re finding themselves running up ridiculous amounts of Verizon minutes, trying to talk through this issue with everyone they know. Gemini, your ability to live in the moment is matched by hardly any other member of the Zodiac. While you’re normally living these precious minutes to the fullest, it also unfortunately means that you can’t see outside the moment when it starts to suck. You look at your empty fridge and say, “Holy shit, I’m going to starve like those kids in Africa!!!” completely forgetting that the direct deposit is hours from going through and you can go shopping. Count your blessings, you silly nut. Don’t forget to take your meds. The bi-polar stuff is starting to scare your roommate.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Last week was so weird. The end of the Retrograde brought with it phenomenal amounts of miscommunication. Our friends said “hi,” and we heard, “fuck off.” Our moms called to make sure we were still alive and we heard, “You’re worthless spawn.” Our lovers said, “I’ll talk to you later,” and we heard, “You suck in bed.” Don’t lie. It wasn’t just me. However, our chronic self-analyzing reminded us that we were just being crabby little water signs and that people do actually like us, for some reason. With the coming of our birthdays, we also decided we’re too old to be MyStalking our exes. Okay. That last part may have just been me. But you should all follow suit.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Another rough week for our Leos. The fooze-ball tournament ended in unparalleled failure for the Lions. Not only did they loose their previously held title, but their fooze-ball partner ran away with the new champion. For Christ’s sake, Leo…it’s a game where little plastic guys “kick” a little plastic ball! Why does everything have to be so dramatic? It’s time to go within and honor yourself as the true champion you know you are. Don’t let a stupid game better suited for drunken frat boys define who you are. There’s Scrabble and Playstation and all sorts of new people and games just waiting to waste more of your time…
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It took awhile, like an eon, for Virgo to finally stop mentally projecting to change the course of the river running through their lives, and put their fate in the Higher Power they (sort of) believe in. Virgo, if you haven’t yet done said action, it’s time to properly verbalize your fears and insecurities. You talk a lot, but rarely do you turn to your loved ones and say, “I need help.” Wait. I think this is the same reading I gave you last week. Are you still trying to do everything on your own? Forget it. I’m moving on to Libra.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
A red-headed bombshell of a Libra called the Convent this week with a question: “Why does everyone think Libras are superficial and materialistic?” The answer from the Cauldron read, “Because those assholes aren’t looking hard enough.” True. Libra, when people start to roll their eyes because you’re running back to the mall again, do what Sister Mary would do: lift the sacred middle finger and politely suggest that they bite you. You know you’ve dealt with enough of their b.s., anyway. If only these specific individuals knew you were spending all this cash on their surprise birthday party, they’d stop calling you “Capitalist Douchebag.” In fact, if anyone calls you douchebag, capitalist or not, drop that whole party idea and go buy yourself some shoes. That’ll show them.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, whatever chemistry experiment you had going on in your basement kind of exploded and blasted the false teeth out everyone you had chained up down there. (You like to do the enemies-closer thing….) On a less sadistic level, Scorpio obtained some knowledge this week that someone else tried to keep from them. So joyful they were to have exposed a secret, they momentarily overlooked the fact that this piece of information was rather damaging and kind of hurt their feelings. Despite what everyone says, Scorpio, Sister Mary knows you have feelings. And that’s okay. Now is not the time to seek revenge, or even constructive reconciliation. Sit back and observe what has happened, and (GASP!) your role in your own destruction. Learn from it. Then, you can go back to retaliation plans. Learning from it first will prevent it from happening again!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Well, Sag…the road trip seemed like a good idea at first. You wanted to see some new things and hide from the people who keep trying to make you crazy. At first, you see…it was a good idea. Then, you picked up a hitchhiker who started talking to herself after the first exit, and then started fighting with strange alien forces you yourself could not see. When she turned on you, you were right to veer into the nearest bush and run screaming from your own vehicle. Sag, no other sign is so adept at making a complicated situation more insane. No matter how tempting, do NOT get back in the car with that hitchhiker. Besides, you’ve already wrecked the car. You’re wondering how you got into this situation, and deep down you know you didn’t listen to that whimpering little voice of wisdom and instinct. That’s right. The one trapped beneath the filing cabinet of your mind. Move the cabinet and make some good decisions.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn is unhappy this week. I vaguely recall this being an issue last week, too. In fact, it’s probably the same issue reincarnated in an uglier form that plans to fester like the weird orangey-red stuff that’s growing on your shower walls. Suddenly realizing that theirs might not be the most attractive bathroom in all the land, Capricorn has gone into a manic scrubbing frenzy. Not that it did any good. Turns out the tiles always looked that way. Air pollution is evident, my friend. Consider keeping the windows closed. Admit that there are some things about which you can do nothing. Hmm…this seems to be a recurring theme in this week’s column. Letting go of what you can’t control won’t necessarily mean you’ll be instantly happy (You are a Capricorn, after all…with the magical mind of steel), but it will ease the anxiety and the amount of money you’ll need to spend on Zanex.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Hmmm…you either knocked yourself or someone else up, or you finally had a brilliant idea that will make you lots of money. The key word from the Cauldron, Aquarius, is “fertility.” Now, you know you’re fabulous at having fabulous ideas. However, continuing to have great ideas doesn’t equate completion of any of them. I won’t use the word “commitment” on you (for that’s the surest way to run you away forever!!! ;). I instead will use the word “dedication.” That’s a noble word, isn’t it? To see your project to completion, you will need to be “dedicated” to it for a period of time. Could be a month, could be a year, could be eighteen years—depending on what it is you fertilized. The amazing thing is that you’ll find a remarkable sense of fulfillment by dedicated yourself to this thing. Completion is lovely. It will eventually leave and you can run around doing something else.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fishes have weathered several emotional ups and downs over the past few months. At least they’re good at letting the flow just happen. While the rest of us are fighting with the strange critters in our hearts that make our eyes want to spit, Pisces shrugs and says, “Eh. None of us will live that long, anyway. Try to be merry.” This docile attitude is finally going to begin to pay off for you, sweetie-pies. Long lost friends will return to the picture, which is about to start numerous new adventures. Here’s what sucks: none of it’s predestined. What happens to you for the next go while is due to your choices and selections. You’re not going to get the luxury of leaving it up to fate. Fate’s more interested in screwing with Gemini right now. You’re on your own.
Last week, I had an insecure Cancerian moment when trying to discuss the crabs as lovers. I asked blog readers to submit their testimonials, if they have ever had the privilege to be driven insane by a Cancer. Responses flew in, but this is the only one that didn’t make us sound like total psychos.
If you ever needed someone to hold you when you are feeling down - this is the one. They won't help in the way of advice and sometimes asking them what you should do in a bad situation will agitate or confuse them, Cancers will hold your hand and your heart while you are in a sad place. But, they are not as good if you continue to be a downer. Eventually they will stop the hugging and the petting and say, get off your ass and deal. Of course, they will not tell you how to deal b/c again, this agitates or confuses.
Cancers are extremely playful and extremely sensitive in bed. They have a wonderful kinky side to them and will push the envelope until you say no - or the safety word. Then they will back off and cater to your needs. But, they will always try again. They make their partners feel extremely comfortable and will get you to try new things without you even knowing until it is over.
Cancers will make you dinner at night and breakfast in the morning. They love to have their hang out partner who will sit on the couch and veg out and a partner who will make tracks when they need some space to go be in their heads.
It is not easy to love a Cancer (then again, aren't we all hard to love). When they are cranky, they will go into their shell or pinch you. But, they are fun and never a dull moment. And, a partner could learn to really stretch themselves as a person.
(Thank you, anonymous donor!!!)
Welcome to the week of July 15-21! And you were just about to hang yourself….
Aries (March 21-April 19)
This past week found Aries in their favorite state of frustration: arms crossed and facing the wall, not paying attention to anyone—not even that pesky firefighter trying to let them know the building was burning down. Back at the burn unit, Aries realized perhaps it was time to listen to the advice of others. Just this once, and then they can go back to being right about everything. Now, if only Aries could figure out how to control the future of themselves and everyone around them. Dejected, Aries will draw the same conclusion—“Can’t control everything this time, either. Fuck.” Cheer up, Aries. The burns will heal and the plastic surgery will do wonders. You’ll have the opportunity to pretend to run everything again in no time.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Our favorite bulls spent the last week building orphanages and feeding the poor and buying drinks for recently dumped friends. They get Zodiac Friend of the Week award, from all of us!!! The Retrograde managed to miss most of their lives, and they felt compelled to repair the unfortunate and the pathetic. A word of caution, gentle Taurus. We’re likely to become dependent on your generous nature and it will hurt our feelings when you suddenly get fed up with our whining and bitching and needing $20. You did say it was okay, after all. Let us know now how much you’re willing to do for us, and give us the boundary. We can’t read your mind. We never have, and we never will. Stop holding that against us.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Damn. Well, now I know whose bugging Taurus for a free ride. Gemini’s streak of luck fell apart in spectacular proportions, and they’re finding themselves running up ridiculous amounts of Verizon minutes, trying to talk through this issue with everyone they know. Gemini, your ability to live in the moment is matched by hardly any other member of the Zodiac. While you’re normally living these precious minutes to the fullest, it also unfortunately means that you can’t see outside the moment when it starts to suck. You look at your empty fridge and say, “Holy shit, I’m going to starve like those kids in Africa!!!” completely forgetting that the direct deposit is hours from going through and you can go shopping. Count your blessings, you silly nut. Don’t forget to take your meds. The bi-polar stuff is starting to scare your roommate.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Last week was so weird. The end of the Retrograde brought with it phenomenal amounts of miscommunication. Our friends said “hi,” and we heard, “fuck off.” Our moms called to make sure we were still alive and we heard, “You’re worthless spawn.” Our lovers said, “I’ll talk to you later,” and we heard, “You suck in bed.” Don’t lie. It wasn’t just me. However, our chronic self-analyzing reminded us that we were just being crabby little water signs and that people do actually like us, for some reason. With the coming of our birthdays, we also decided we’re too old to be MyStalking our exes. Okay. That last part may have just been me. But you should all follow suit.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Another rough week for our Leos. The fooze-ball tournament ended in unparalleled failure for the Lions. Not only did they loose their previously held title, but their fooze-ball partner ran away with the new champion. For Christ’s sake, Leo…it’s a game where little plastic guys “kick” a little plastic ball! Why does everything have to be so dramatic? It’s time to go within and honor yourself as the true champion you know you are. Don’t let a stupid game better suited for drunken frat boys define who you are. There’s Scrabble and Playstation and all sorts of new people and games just waiting to waste more of your time…
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
It took awhile, like an eon, for Virgo to finally stop mentally projecting to change the course of the river running through their lives, and put their fate in the Higher Power they (sort of) believe in. Virgo, if you haven’t yet done said action, it’s time to properly verbalize your fears and insecurities. You talk a lot, but rarely do you turn to your loved ones and say, “I need help.” Wait. I think this is the same reading I gave you last week. Are you still trying to do everything on your own? Forget it. I’m moving on to Libra.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
A red-headed bombshell of a Libra called the Convent this week with a question: “Why does everyone think Libras are superficial and materialistic?” The answer from the Cauldron read, “Because those assholes aren’t looking hard enough.” True. Libra, when people start to roll their eyes because you’re running back to the mall again, do what Sister Mary would do: lift the sacred middle finger and politely suggest that they bite you. You know you’ve dealt with enough of their b.s., anyway. If only these specific individuals knew you were spending all this cash on their surprise birthday party, they’d stop calling you “Capitalist Douchebag.” In fact, if anyone calls you douchebag, capitalist or not, drop that whole party idea and go buy yourself some shoes. That’ll show them.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
So, whatever chemistry experiment you had going on in your basement kind of exploded and blasted the false teeth out everyone you had chained up down there. (You like to do the enemies-closer thing….) On a less sadistic level, Scorpio obtained some knowledge this week that someone else tried to keep from them. So joyful they were to have exposed a secret, they momentarily overlooked the fact that this piece of information was rather damaging and kind of hurt their feelings. Despite what everyone says, Scorpio, Sister Mary knows you have feelings. And that’s okay. Now is not the time to seek revenge, or even constructive reconciliation. Sit back and observe what has happened, and (GASP!) your role in your own destruction. Learn from it. Then, you can go back to retaliation plans. Learning from it first will prevent it from happening again!
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Well, Sag…the road trip seemed like a good idea at first. You wanted to see some new things and hide from the people who keep trying to make you crazy. At first, you see…it was a good idea. Then, you picked up a hitchhiker who started talking to herself after the first exit, and then started fighting with strange alien forces you yourself could not see. When she turned on you, you were right to veer into the nearest bush and run screaming from your own vehicle. Sag, no other sign is so adept at making a complicated situation more insane. No matter how tempting, do NOT get back in the car with that hitchhiker. Besides, you’ve already wrecked the car. You’re wondering how you got into this situation, and deep down you know you didn’t listen to that whimpering little voice of wisdom and instinct. That’s right. The one trapped beneath the filing cabinet of your mind. Move the cabinet and make some good decisions.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Capricorn is unhappy this week. I vaguely recall this being an issue last week, too. In fact, it’s probably the same issue reincarnated in an uglier form that plans to fester like the weird orangey-red stuff that’s growing on your shower walls. Suddenly realizing that theirs might not be the most attractive bathroom in all the land, Capricorn has gone into a manic scrubbing frenzy. Not that it did any good. Turns out the tiles always looked that way. Air pollution is evident, my friend. Consider keeping the windows closed. Admit that there are some things about which you can do nothing. Hmm…this seems to be a recurring theme in this week’s column. Letting go of what you can’t control won’t necessarily mean you’ll be instantly happy (You are a Capricorn, after all…with the magical mind of steel), but it will ease the anxiety and the amount of money you’ll need to spend on Zanex.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Hmmm…you either knocked yourself or someone else up, or you finally had a brilliant idea that will make you lots of money. The key word from the Cauldron, Aquarius, is “fertility.” Now, you know you’re fabulous at having fabulous ideas. However, continuing to have great ideas doesn’t equate completion of any of them. I won’t use the word “commitment” on you (for that’s the surest way to run you away forever!!! ;). I instead will use the word “dedication.” That’s a noble word, isn’t it? To see your project to completion, you will need to be “dedicated” to it for a period of time. Could be a month, could be a year, could be eighteen years—depending on what it is you fertilized. The amazing thing is that you’ll find a remarkable sense of fulfillment by dedicated yourself to this thing. Completion is lovely. It will eventually leave and you can run around doing something else.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Our favorite fishes have weathered several emotional ups and downs over the past few months. At least they’re good at letting the flow just happen. While the rest of us are fighting with the strange critters in our hearts that make our eyes want to spit, Pisces shrugs and says, “Eh. None of us will live that long, anyway. Try to be merry.” This docile attitude is finally going to begin to pay off for you, sweetie-pies. Long lost friends will return to the picture, which is about to start numerous new adventures. Here’s what sucks: none of it’s predestined. What happens to you for the next go while is due to your choices and selections. You’re not going to get the luxury of leaving it up to fate. Fate’s more interested in screwing with Gemini right now. You’re on your own.
Sunday, July 8, 2007
Well, well, well…by the time most of you read this, the Retrograde will have passed. About time, right? Wasn’t this the most repulsive, confusing, Mercury in Retrograde ever to happen to humanity? The Convent received a record number of spell requests to figure out what the hell everyone was saying because everything came out, “bleck bleck.” We were unable to help, as all of our cauldrons malfunctioned. Yes, they’re electric and yes, devastated by the Retrograde. (We had to go techie, at some point.) I did an impromptu Ass-tro Hour in New London, CT over the weekend. Half of the audience couldn’t hear me, the sound system suddenly going on strike. The other half of the audience thought I was speaking Cantonese. Still got a few laughs, though.
Anyway, kids, it’s over as of Monday, July 9th! You’ll be free to go skipping down the lane, your ears open, your voice clear and your I-Pods no longer stuck on “My Sharona.” Just in time for my birthday!!!
Yep! Sister Mary is a Cancer. Did you guess that? Or did you think Cancers were much sweeter and blushed at sex talk? We’re so misunderstood. Some common stereotypes are true. We are the nurturers. Cancers are the healers, the romance novelists, the massage therapists, the chefs, the mommies and daddies and (of course) the smart-ass astrologers of the zodiac. Some of you get pissed at us because we do have a tendency to smother your problems away. However, you know that person you’re making that 3:00 a.m. weepy phone call to is indeed a Cancer. We’re the only ones who will actually pick up the phone at that time. In fact, we’ll probably weep for you, so you don’t have to! And then we’ll come over and make you lasagna for breakfast. That’s what nice people we are.
Zodiac books talk about Cancers being incredibly clingy. This isn’t quite correct. Most Cancers I know, myself included, actually need quite a bit of space—particularly on a moody day. We get clingy when we think we’ve hurt someone’s feelings or that someone is mad at us or doesn’t want to sleep with us anymore. We won’t stop calling until you’ve given us the chance to apologize profusely. Let us. You won’t be able to convince us that we didn’t screw up.
We’re honest, mostly because we make such lousy liars. We don’t always tell the whole truth (particularly when we don’t want to get caught ;), but you’d be hard pressed to catch a Cancer in a flat-out falsehood. We seem dogmatic and opinionated, but when you hear a Cancer say, “Oh! I would never...” chances are good they’re going to go do that thing the very next day.
It must have been a Cancer who coined the phrase, “Don’t fuck with my baby, BITCH.” The quickest way to upset a Cancer is to mess with someone they care about. This is why we make such good friends and lovers, but very nasty enemies. If you’ve been mean to someone, cross your fingers that they’re not involved with a Cancer. You won’t just find flaming poo on your doorstep—you’ll find flaming poo shoved up the tailpipe to your vehicle, too. We will eventually forgive (but not forget) something you do to us—but not to our loved ones.
As sweet as we are in most situations, Cancers can get very nasty when cornered or overtly criticized. Few signs can wield words as brutally as an angry Cancer. It’s extremely difficult for a Cancer to let go of a past hurt. It only hurts us in the end to keep harping on it—although we tend to believe that staying angry will cause the inflictor damage, somehow. We also expect people to be our mind readers, which they’re not—which confuses them and frustrates us. Our insecurities can eat us alive if we let them. Our wallflower moments can cause us to miss out on the fun. However, most Cancers are obsessed with astrology and know these things—so they work on them. If you don’t know your sign, ask a Cancer. They’ve probably already done your chart.
As lovers, we’re a roller-coaster ride. We’re extremely flirtatious, but highly selective. We’re infuriatingly moody, but that seems to be an addictive point. You know, as I’m typing this, my Cancerian insecurities are getting the best of me. I don’t know what to say about Cancers as lovers. I’m tempted to list the emails of my last six boyfriends and you can ask them (hee hee). Crap. Sorry, guys. Having a hard time with this one. If you’ve dated a Cancer and would like your experience listed in the next AstrologyExplained, feel free to email me at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com. No names will be used.
We do rock the sack, though. And we’ll make you breakfast in the morning.
So, to all the Cancers in my life: Jami, Juli, Dani, Mike, Michele, Amato, Kevin, Kodie and the Reigning Cancerian Queen Megz…Happy Birthday!!! God, I hope I didn’t forget one. Forgotten Cancers require immense crow-eating.
Welcome to the week of July 8-July 14!!! You made it this far…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hopefully safe from themselves, at last, Aries is ready to focus in on work this week. If you’re involved with an Aries, enjoy this rare time of having them go with the flow. They experienced much needed catharsis over the July 4th holiday. Blowing things up made Aries calm inside. Aries, the brick wall you’ve been slamming your head into for the past few weeks will suddenly give way. This time, your irritatingly stubborn nature helped you out. With that nasty problem out of the way, you simply won’t know what to do with all that free space in your mind! Of course, you’ll probably fill it back up with a cystic memory you simply refuse to release. And they say Cancers don’t let go of anything…
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I had yet another Taurus accuse me of being mean to Tauruses this weekend. To that, I say if they’d stop being Tauruses for a second and read this whole damn column instead of just their and their ex’s horrorscopes, they’d see how mean I am to everyone. J However, Taurus, I do have some better news for you this week. You did well to hole up and watch Mean Girls a couple dozen times last week. You came out of your solitude refreshed and enlightened. Most Tauruses even reached a new level of growth and maturity! They simply asked their roommate to stop leaving porn in the living room—instead of stuffing the pages with cat shit. Because of your new and effective communication style, you may even get asked out on a date. People will want to be around you this week because you’re being so sweet. (That was nicer, wasn’t it? I even meant most of it.)
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I know, I know. It sucks when what you were working so hard on fell all to pieces in one swift afternoon. A lay-off? A break-up? The roof fell through on the brothel you were building? Admit it. You may like brothels, but you didn’t like roofing. You’re not upset at the loss, you’re upset about all the time you put into something that fell apart so easily. Don’t be too upset. Think of all the nice hookers you met during the interview process. Some gifts we never lose. The skills you developed during this process are far more beneficial than what you were working on. If this is a relationship, you may have worked very hard to adapt to your ex’s vegan lifestyle—and even though they dumped you, your rice and beans way has left you all svelt, globally conscious and devastatingly attractive to all the lonely Buddhists on Dharmadate.com.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With the Retrograde slamming down directly onto our heads this month, it’s a miracle we didn’t jump off the planet. We showed them, though…whoever “they” are. Telling the ex that trying to stay friends was giving us a rash was the best thing we possibly could have done. Better yet, we were even nice about it when we said, “You’re a loser and always have been. But you have a lot of good qualities!” That was a growing thing for Cancers who can be pretty brutal when they’re bent out of shape about something. Yay for us! We’re learning. Unfortunately, toward the end of the week, we’re going to get trapped in a stuck elevator with the spouse of our last lover. And they know about the affair. And they carry sharp things in their bag. This situation is symbolic, fortunately. For most of us.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Aw…Baby Kitty! You had yourself a rough spill last week, didn’t you? You fell asleep on the subway and someone made off with your cash and the $200 worth of lingerie you’d just bought. It’s going to take you a lot of scrimping and saving to replace that lace. It’ll happen. And then you’ll fall asleep on the subway again. Stop doing that. And stop saying it’s not your fault. Geez, Leo. You refuse to take responsibility for your bad luck. Sometimes bad luck is the result of screwing up the same way you did last time. Get more sleep, stop drinking so much. Stand up when you ride if you have to. You’re letting a lot of fine underwear go to waste.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Universe had way too much to tell you this week. I had to condense it into the Reader’s Digest version: Weakness. Breakthrough. Standstill. Virgo, stop pretending everything is easy-peasy. No one can move the great refrigerators of life without assistance. Once you realize that your friends do want to help you move your fridge (many even have dollies and bungee cords!), you’ll avoid a second hernia. In fact, we know you’re still curled up on the couch from the last one. Oh. Wait. Moving your fridge still isn’t the big issue here. Well, once you move it you’ll see the dead cat behind it wasn’t as stinky as you thought. Your real issue is buried in the wall. You’ll definitely need some help for that one. Take time to reflect on the best way to chop through plaster.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Okay, Libra. You’ve been good for so long, it’s finally time to say, yes. Your prince/princess has arrived in a big golden coach pulled by white geese. You’re rich. You’re famous. You woke up with a perfect, cut body you didn’t have to pay for. None of this shit may be true, but you don’t care. Libra is happy. Everything worked out as you wanted it to. You deserve it, kiddo. I don’t want to ruin this, but that’s my job. No one gets as disappointed as Libra when clear skies go cloudy. Libra, that’s life. Don’t cling to this good time too hard—or get too pessimistic: “It’s too good to be true, it must be falling all to shit.” Accept that everything is temporary. To help you from collapsing into yourself, don’t forget to look around at the people in your life who may need help putting their mentalities back in order after that last part of retrograde.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, you too have occasion to be joyous. You’ve come into money, you’ve come into love, your voodoo doll worked and all of your exes have contracted the clap. Bwah, ha ha….you may be saying. Careful who you brag to about your accomplishments. I’m honing in on your paranoia for a reason. Everyone wants to kill you. That’s right. They’re jealous. Try extraordinarily hard to keep your bragging rights to your cat. Your cat doesn’t care, but probably wants you dead, too. Why are you being so chatty, anyway? Your suddenly open methods of communicating are freaking out this particular crab. If you don’t clam up, someone will drop a piano on your head and make it look like an accident. It will cause discomfort.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Heartbreak. Devastation. Amazon shipped your complete collection of Freaks and Geeks to some unworthy person who doesn’t even own a television. Sure, they credited you the cash and you could reorder, but you already spent it on hash. Now, you’re high and have nothing to watch. In times like these, you need to reach out to your friends and lovers. They may not have Freaks and Geeks, but they’ve got a wall full of classic Sex in the City. You may not bond with Carrie and her hens this time around either, but you’ll bond with your real friends. You are turning over a new leaf with those who care about you. Don’t watch too much t.v.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Remember that revelation last week? The one about if you overturning your IKEA trash pad and filling it with even more simplistic eco-friendly furnishings from a different Swedish company—one whose name you can’t pronounce? I feel as though I may have given you this reading before. I think it turned out the same. Actually, money can buy happiness. Temporarily. But it can’t buy spiritual fulfillment. Ever. You’ll be happy with your new, sleek couches, but then you’ll realize they left you so broke you’re scraping together Top Ramen meals out of the bag that was supposed to go to the food pantry. It’s a good thing, though. This period of being broke and hungry will provide the opportunity you need to full that void from within.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The dawning of your age is confusing the hell out of multiple societies. People across the globe are turning away from dogma and institution and turning to crazy individuals like me for answers. This is not your fault, Aquarius. I only needed to vent for a second. Your carefree, unattached and seemingly ambivalent attitude may continue to piss off your clingy lovers, but will serve you well in the coming days. Since you refuse to hold onto anything, the Universe will throw lots of fabulous opportunities your way. I see in my cauldron that you decide to leave your house naked one day this week—just for the experience of it. While you’re out, a scout spots you and puts you on a pilot called America’s Next Top Aquarius. Guess what? You’ll win!!! And your daddy said you’d never amount to anything…
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
You’ve had plenty of reason to celebrate, recently. The world has finally seen you for the sexy maternal copulator you always knew you were. One chapter ended, one new chapter begun. I do hope this new chapter is even juicier than the last, but with far less head and heartache. Actually, the Universe is giving you a “Choose Your Own Adventure” chapter this time. You don’t have to wait for the lines! This time, you get to write them. Now, start by writing some lines to get your free-loading brother-in-law out of the basement. His breath is starting to scare the kids. Your college buddies may need to fold up the tents and get out of the backyard. Jesus. How many hippies are you cramming into your house? This is getting ridiculous. Cut these ties before your spouse leaves you.
Anyway, kids, it’s over as of Monday, July 9th! You’ll be free to go skipping down the lane, your ears open, your voice clear and your I-Pods no longer stuck on “My Sharona.” Just in time for my birthday!!!
Yep! Sister Mary is a Cancer. Did you guess that? Or did you think Cancers were much sweeter and blushed at sex talk? We’re so misunderstood. Some common stereotypes are true. We are the nurturers. Cancers are the healers, the romance novelists, the massage therapists, the chefs, the mommies and daddies and (of course) the smart-ass astrologers of the zodiac. Some of you get pissed at us because we do have a tendency to smother your problems away. However, you know that person you’re making that 3:00 a.m. weepy phone call to is indeed a Cancer. We’re the only ones who will actually pick up the phone at that time. In fact, we’ll probably weep for you, so you don’t have to! And then we’ll come over and make you lasagna for breakfast. That’s what nice people we are.
Zodiac books talk about Cancers being incredibly clingy. This isn’t quite correct. Most Cancers I know, myself included, actually need quite a bit of space—particularly on a moody day. We get clingy when we think we’ve hurt someone’s feelings or that someone is mad at us or doesn’t want to sleep with us anymore. We won’t stop calling until you’ve given us the chance to apologize profusely. Let us. You won’t be able to convince us that we didn’t screw up.
We’re honest, mostly because we make such lousy liars. We don’t always tell the whole truth (particularly when we don’t want to get caught ;), but you’d be hard pressed to catch a Cancer in a flat-out falsehood. We seem dogmatic and opinionated, but when you hear a Cancer say, “Oh! I would never...” chances are good they’re going to go do that thing the very next day.
It must have been a Cancer who coined the phrase, “Don’t fuck with my baby, BITCH.” The quickest way to upset a Cancer is to mess with someone they care about. This is why we make such good friends and lovers, but very nasty enemies. If you’ve been mean to someone, cross your fingers that they’re not involved with a Cancer. You won’t just find flaming poo on your doorstep—you’ll find flaming poo shoved up the tailpipe to your vehicle, too. We will eventually forgive (but not forget) something you do to us—but not to our loved ones.
As sweet as we are in most situations, Cancers can get very nasty when cornered or overtly criticized. Few signs can wield words as brutally as an angry Cancer. It’s extremely difficult for a Cancer to let go of a past hurt. It only hurts us in the end to keep harping on it—although we tend to believe that staying angry will cause the inflictor damage, somehow. We also expect people to be our mind readers, which they’re not—which confuses them and frustrates us. Our insecurities can eat us alive if we let them. Our wallflower moments can cause us to miss out on the fun. However, most Cancers are obsessed with astrology and know these things—so they work on them. If you don’t know your sign, ask a Cancer. They’ve probably already done your chart.
As lovers, we’re a roller-coaster ride. We’re extremely flirtatious, but highly selective. We’re infuriatingly moody, but that seems to be an addictive point. You know, as I’m typing this, my Cancerian insecurities are getting the best of me. I don’t know what to say about Cancers as lovers. I’m tempted to list the emails of my last six boyfriends and you can ask them (hee hee). Crap. Sorry, guys. Having a hard time with this one. If you’ve dated a Cancer and would like your experience listed in the next AstrologyExplained, feel free to email me at sistermarymanhattan@gmail.com. No names will be used.
We do rock the sack, though. And we’ll make you breakfast in the morning.
So, to all the Cancers in my life: Jami, Juli, Dani, Mike, Michele, Amato, Kevin, Kodie and the Reigning Cancerian Queen Megz…Happy Birthday!!! God, I hope I didn’t forget one. Forgotten Cancers require immense crow-eating.
Welcome to the week of July 8-July 14!!! You made it this far…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hopefully safe from themselves, at last, Aries is ready to focus in on work this week. If you’re involved with an Aries, enjoy this rare time of having them go with the flow. They experienced much needed catharsis over the July 4th holiday. Blowing things up made Aries calm inside. Aries, the brick wall you’ve been slamming your head into for the past few weeks will suddenly give way. This time, your irritatingly stubborn nature helped you out. With that nasty problem out of the way, you simply won’t know what to do with all that free space in your mind! Of course, you’ll probably fill it back up with a cystic memory you simply refuse to release. And they say Cancers don’t let go of anything…
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
I had yet another Taurus accuse me of being mean to Tauruses this weekend. To that, I say if they’d stop being Tauruses for a second and read this whole damn column instead of just their and their ex’s horrorscopes, they’d see how mean I am to everyone. J However, Taurus, I do have some better news for you this week. You did well to hole up and watch Mean Girls a couple dozen times last week. You came out of your solitude refreshed and enlightened. Most Tauruses even reached a new level of growth and maturity! They simply asked their roommate to stop leaving porn in the living room—instead of stuffing the pages with cat shit. Because of your new and effective communication style, you may even get asked out on a date. People will want to be around you this week because you’re being so sweet. (That was nicer, wasn’t it? I even meant most of it.)
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
I know, I know. It sucks when what you were working so hard on fell all to pieces in one swift afternoon. A lay-off? A break-up? The roof fell through on the brothel you were building? Admit it. You may like brothels, but you didn’t like roofing. You’re not upset at the loss, you’re upset about all the time you put into something that fell apart so easily. Don’t be too upset. Think of all the nice hookers you met during the interview process. Some gifts we never lose. The skills you developed during this process are far more beneficial than what you were working on. If this is a relationship, you may have worked very hard to adapt to your ex’s vegan lifestyle—and even though they dumped you, your rice and beans way has left you all svelt, globally conscious and devastatingly attractive to all the lonely Buddhists on Dharmadate.com.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With the Retrograde slamming down directly onto our heads this month, it’s a miracle we didn’t jump off the planet. We showed them, though…whoever “they” are. Telling the ex that trying to stay friends was giving us a rash was the best thing we possibly could have done. Better yet, we were even nice about it when we said, “You’re a loser and always have been. But you have a lot of good qualities!” That was a growing thing for Cancers who can be pretty brutal when they’re bent out of shape about something. Yay for us! We’re learning. Unfortunately, toward the end of the week, we’re going to get trapped in a stuck elevator with the spouse of our last lover. And they know about the affair. And they carry sharp things in their bag. This situation is symbolic, fortunately. For most of us.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Aw…Baby Kitty! You had yourself a rough spill last week, didn’t you? You fell asleep on the subway and someone made off with your cash and the $200 worth of lingerie you’d just bought. It’s going to take you a lot of scrimping and saving to replace that lace. It’ll happen. And then you’ll fall asleep on the subway again. Stop doing that. And stop saying it’s not your fault. Geez, Leo. You refuse to take responsibility for your bad luck. Sometimes bad luck is the result of screwing up the same way you did last time. Get more sleep, stop drinking so much. Stand up when you ride if you have to. You’re letting a lot of fine underwear go to waste.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Universe had way too much to tell you this week. I had to condense it into the Reader’s Digest version: Weakness. Breakthrough. Standstill. Virgo, stop pretending everything is easy-peasy. No one can move the great refrigerators of life without assistance. Once you realize that your friends do want to help you move your fridge (many even have dollies and bungee cords!), you’ll avoid a second hernia. In fact, we know you’re still curled up on the couch from the last one. Oh. Wait. Moving your fridge still isn’t the big issue here. Well, once you move it you’ll see the dead cat behind it wasn’t as stinky as you thought. Your real issue is buried in the wall. You’ll definitely need some help for that one. Take time to reflect on the best way to chop through plaster.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Okay, Libra. You’ve been good for so long, it’s finally time to say, yes. Your prince/princess has arrived in a big golden coach pulled by white geese. You’re rich. You’re famous. You woke up with a perfect, cut body you didn’t have to pay for. None of this shit may be true, but you don’t care. Libra is happy. Everything worked out as you wanted it to. You deserve it, kiddo. I don’t want to ruin this, but that’s my job. No one gets as disappointed as Libra when clear skies go cloudy. Libra, that’s life. Don’t cling to this good time too hard—or get too pessimistic: “It’s too good to be true, it must be falling all to shit.” Accept that everything is temporary. To help you from collapsing into yourself, don’t forget to look around at the people in your life who may need help putting their mentalities back in order after that last part of retrograde.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio, you too have occasion to be joyous. You’ve come into money, you’ve come into love, your voodoo doll worked and all of your exes have contracted the clap. Bwah, ha ha….you may be saying. Careful who you brag to about your accomplishments. I’m honing in on your paranoia for a reason. Everyone wants to kill you. That’s right. They’re jealous. Try extraordinarily hard to keep your bragging rights to your cat. Your cat doesn’t care, but probably wants you dead, too. Why are you being so chatty, anyway? Your suddenly open methods of communicating are freaking out this particular crab. If you don’t clam up, someone will drop a piano on your head and make it look like an accident. It will cause discomfort.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Heartbreak. Devastation. Amazon shipped your complete collection of Freaks and Geeks to some unworthy person who doesn’t even own a television. Sure, they credited you the cash and you could reorder, but you already spent it on hash. Now, you’re high and have nothing to watch. In times like these, you need to reach out to your friends and lovers. They may not have Freaks and Geeks, but they’ve got a wall full of classic Sex in the City. You may not bond with Carrie and her hens this time around either, but you’ll bond with your real friends. You are turning over a new leaf with those who care about you. Don’t watch too much t.v.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Remember that revelation last week? The one about if you overturning your IKEA trash pad and filling it with even more simplistic eco-friendly furnishings from a different Swedish company—one whose name you can’t pronounce? I feel as though I may have given you this reading before. I think it turned out the same. Actually, money can buy happiness. Temporarily. But it can’t buy spiritual fulfillment. Ever. You’ll be happy with your new, sleek couches, but then you’ll realize they left you so broke you’re scraping together Top Ramen meals out of the bag that was supposed to go to the food pantry. It’s a good thing, though. This period of being broke and hungry will provide the opportunity you need to full that void from within.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The dawning of your age is confusing the hell out of multiple societies. People across the globe are turning away from dogma and institution and turning to crazy individuals like me for answers. This is not your fault, Aquarius. I only needed to vent for a second. Your carefree, unattached and seemingly ambivalent attitude may continue to piss off your clingy lovers, but will serve you well in the coming days. Since you refuse to hold onto anything, the Universe will throw lots of fabulous opportunities your way. I see in my cauldron that you decide to leave your house naked one day this week—just for the experience of it. While you’re out, a scout spots you and puts you on a pilot called America’s Next Top Aquarius. Guess what? You’ll win!!! And your daddy said you’d never amount to anything…
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
You’ve had plenty of reason to celebrate, recently. The world has finally seen you for the sexy maternal copulator you always knew you were. One chapter ended, one new chapter begun. I do hope this new chapter is even juicier than the last, but with far less head and heartache. Actually, the Universe is giving you a “Choose Your Own Adventure” chapter this time. You don’t have to wait for the lines! This time, you get to write them. Now, start by writing some lines to get your free-loading brother-in-law out of the basement. His breath is starting to scare the kids. Your college buddies may need to fold up the tents and get out of the backyard. Jesus. How many hippies are you cramming into your house? This is getting ridiculous. Cut these ties before your spouse leaves you.
Sunday, July 1, 2007
After the Great Confessions
Many thanks to all of you fine sinners who came out to the Great Sin-Off last night! It was a raging success! The night included tales of sleeping with men in exchange for mead, injuring unliked pets, using company worktime to browse for strange "merchandise", skipping out on company time all together and performing sexual acts with "Daddy" and "Granddaddy" that made even my assistant, Hyman the Demon Puppet's cloth jaw drop. Our winner was a red-headed bombshell from Inwood (not me…;), who divulged a delicious sin from back in her high school days: causing a devout Jehovah’s Witness girl to go against her beliefs by engaging in teenaged lesbian sex. For her "crimes," she received a prize package of stuff she's going to need in Hell: Polar Ice gum, an ice pack, a light-up hand held fan, a dollar (in case bribery helps at the Pearly Gates) and...a full Ass-trological Portrait by Sister Mary Manhattan.
Again, I’d meant to devout this week’s edition to the Realm of Cancer—but it turns out there were too many other things to tell you. And since I do not wish to waste any more of your precious work hours…let me give you another week of titillating suspense to learn more about the passionate, psychic, needing to nurture sign you sometimes want to hit…:)
The final days of Retrograde will find us continuing to deal with dropped cell phone calls, rerouted emails and the pissiest of friends, lovers and roommates—all of whom are misunderstanding everything we say! Allow for more time than usual in your train and traffic travels, and “Honey, can I see you in the kitchen?” conversations. No matter how well you know your said routes, you are bound to get lost at least a couple of times before this period has passed. The force of the Retrograde will increase before it leaves us the hell alone. Keep your liquid comfort blankets handy.
It’s a full moon in Capricorn, under the sign of Cancer. It’s a good time to try and make some more money out of things you do from home. If you don’t run a home business, you’re still likely to make money. Capricorn, resourceful sign, combining with Cancer—Maternal Mothership Sign, means a trip to the sperm bank or fertility center and get a quote on your ovaries. Yes, even those of you who are genetically wired to be nasty bitches or bastards will receive a fine offer on your screwed up spawn or disobedient children.
With a Venus in Leo, sexual situations are likely to be wild, but be prepared to cuddle even your most dominant, once you get the cuffs off. Cancer’s influence is bound to bring out Leo’s panicked insecurity. “Was it too hard? Really? You liked it? Did you really like it?” Assure your lover that yes, they are the greatest lover of all time and once you can walk again, you’d be happy to have another go.
However, with a Mars, being the warring planet, in Taurus, being the stubborn-est little choo-choo,—be prepared that absolutely no one is going to budge on any argument. Okay, sure. YOU know that all life descended from the miraculous fart of a Martian Octopus, but everyone else won’t budge away from that evolution theory. This doesn’t mean your opinion isn’t well formed and well supported! It’s merely the Mars in Taurus.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Looks as though Aries was pretty hot-to-trot with the cutie who lives up the block. Finally! The love you’d been waiting for arrived! You planned the escape in one of your rare moments of Aries decisiveness, booked a chapel in Vegas…only to find that the cutie has a live in lover, an illegitimate child and actually thinks you’re kind of creepy. Never fear, Ram friend! While talking out your sorrows to your best friend over cold beer and cold wings, the bartender will overhear and take you home for a pity rebound. You’ll cry through the whole thing, but you’ll feel better in the morning when the hangover subsides. You may even have the coveted repeat offender! See? It’s not so bad.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What in the world kind of bad ju-ju did you get yourself into? How many breakdowns, breakups, re-routes and inferno disasters did you poor things have to weather in a mere seven days? Watch how much you bitch to your friends. They may start pretending they’re busy and not invite you to poker nights. They can’t fix your broken heart anymore than they can fix your broken credit—even with a loan, which will haunt you until you can pay it back. In fact, let them leave you off their e-vite lists for awhile. You wouldn’t have much fun anyway. You’re just not in a very good mood. Stay put in your apartment and love the skin you’re in. We’ll miss you and start to love you again soon.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Granddaddy Depression took an unwelcome visit in your realm this past week, didn’t he, sweetheart? He can be such an asshole. Whether he had reason to visit i.e. unemployment or lack of attention from people you like, or whether he just felt like crapping on your couch, you’re going to deal with it in your typical Gemini way by clinging to someone else, whom you’d otherwise been aloof to recently. Unfortunately, this will not solve your problem. Being whiney and smothering the person you pushed away will annoy them. You’re meant to hang out with GD alone. The good news is that he’s going to get sick of you, too and will bound out the door a lot faster than he would if you keep a lot of hot chicks around your apartment. Bring on the hot chicks (or dudes…) later on.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Happy Birthday to us, by the way! Oh, dear. Looks like we already slipped up and spent too much money on planning our birthday parties. Our friends said they’d bring the wine and beer, but we felt guilty about them spending their cash—even though we personally hired the clown stripper at their parties last spring. We worked so hard for our cash, and now we’re back to panhandling for groceries again. That got us arrested last time, didn’t it? And wasn’t our ass kind of candy in prison? Repeating mistakes never really worked out for us. It’s time we pooled our resources and focused on ways to stop throwing around our hard-earned goods. Let’s pretend this week that Cancer is the sign of focus and order. It’s the only way to steer us through these last few putrid days of Retrograde…
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Everyone has been talking, but all Leo has been hearing is “wank wank wank…jibby jabby.” The natural Leo response to said situation is to sit with a creased brow and arms crossed over chest, turning annoying noises into silence. However, the best course of action Leo could take would be to get up, pack the backpack and hitchhike to Florida. To those Leos in Florida, I suggest the Honduras—but you’ll need a boat. While playing your flute for tips, and using your tips for food, you’ll have a miraculous breakthrough about you are, what you want and the sure way to cure the world of acid reflux. Upon marketing your idea, you’ll make lots of money, which will lead to motivational speaking gigs aplenty. This is an extreme case. The rest of the Leos will find something along those lines that won’t require them to leave home or sleep on a beach. Although that does sound kind of nice…
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…brief periods of deep frustration seem to be the theme around here! No difference for the Virgos this week. Fortunately, the minor mishaps for the Virgins will be along the lines of losing your bus pass or keys—not cars or homes. However, Virgo refuses to see how lucky they are that it’s not worse and will focus instead on how pissed they are at the bad luck. Which, of course, will only make their luck worse. Their roommates may kick these cranky kids out. So may the bus driver. Cars may just drive off on their own, rather than have road-ragey Virgo behind the wheel. The flying monkeys have just reported that Virgo is actually obsessing over something else that’s bothering them, not admitting what it is and taking it out on the insignificant shit. L Hey, friend. Was what you wanted really what you needed? Maybe it’s better you didn’t get it. Meditate, please. Your blood pressure is going up.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Look, the rest of us have no sympathy for Libras this week. You’re all upset because you didn’t win the Great Sin-Off at the Ass-tro Hour and you really wanted the flaming tiara…but your pooch did win the Barking Beauty Pageant, and now you’re getting calls from crazy people who like to put clothes on dogs and take pictures of them for calendars and stuff. You made money on that somehow, so no complaining about the tiara thing. Can’t win everything. Let it go. Continuing to complain is going to make people stop wanting to hang out with you. Ah, hell. Forget about those jealous bastards. Go hang out with the people who put raincoats on their pooches when the weather’s bad. They understand you. The rest of us no longer do.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You’ve annihilated your enemies, the moat around your castle is finished. You can finally gaze out across the horizon and cackle, “Mine…all mine!!!” Yes, Scorpio. You’ve reached a point of peace and bliss, all too rare for you. However, you’ll journey back down to realize your plumbing is leaking and because you thought the plumber was out to get you too, had her annihilated, but you don’t trust anyone else to come in and fix things. Might have been a little hasty on your part. The plumber was having a PMS moment; throwing a wrench at your snarky little head was nothing personal. It’s time to take a breath, go within and scan the web for new plumbers in your area. It’s time to trust again. Unless you prefer to have the moat through your living room. Somehow, I think you’d rather try the trust thing.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
One morning, probably last Saturday, Sagittarius woke up and realized they had nothing to do! Well, that’s not true. They had all kinds of half-finished lovers chained up in the basement—but they’d already forgotten about Friday night’s activities and felt excited about getting out there and starting a new project! They skipped down the street to the hardware store to buy some paint and tools, but are now completely frustrated at the incredibly long line and the super slow guy behind the counter who counts out the change one penny at a time. Sagittarius, the Patience Fairy has returned this week, trying one more time to teach you to wait. You can’t turn up the world to suit your liking. Christ. If you did, we’d all fly off and you’d be bored and lonely. Breathe and just be. Enjoy the mix of characters in the hardware store—as well as everywhere else. All of our times are mercilessly short. Just don’t forget those people in the basement. They may want to eat sometime.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Starting over is a blessing—but blessings sometimes suck. Capricorn knows they made the right move to shake up their current situation, but no one else seems to give them any credit for it. Damnit, zodiac! Can’t someone please go fawn over the Goats for a second? Oh, wait. We’re too busy having nervous breakdowns. Capricorn, our lack of attention should not be read as lack of caring. We’re just trying to dig our way out of our own ditches at the moment. Stop with the tantrums. If you break anymore of our shit, we’ll have you arrested. I’ve got some good news—you’re going to get some good news! Maybe you’ll win Powerball, or maybe your married lover’s spouse will finally kick them out. Either way, you’ll be so surprised by the next big change, you won’t notice our blasé attitude.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
These last few months have found our Water Bearer to be more of a Sludge Bearer. A Raw Sewage Bearer. Whatever it is, it has stunk to be Aquarius. Even this fiercely optimistic sign is starting to slouch and whimper a bit. But! The good news is that one hell of a “Eureka!” is coming your way! Perhaps you’ll discover that your emotionally-toxic roommate is violently allergic to Christian rock. Even if you cringe at it, you’ll be able to stand it long enough until said roommate breaks into hives and vomits spells and moves into their girlfriend’s place. Ah. Peace and quiet. For a time. We know you, and you’ll be stirring up trouble with the new roommate, but at least this Fourth of July weekend will be void of the dumps you’ve encountered over the past few months.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Do you enjoy martyrdom, Pisces? Just wondering, not judging. I’m only asking because the Monkeys have announced that you’ve once again—knowingly—entered into a situation with individuals who are using you for your sensitivity, generosity and uncanny abilities in the sack. Not EVERYONE, mind you, many are quite willing to give back, sixty-nine fold. Use discretion when choosing people to pal and fool around with in the coming week. There are just as many around you who are willing to tie you up, too. You could even get paid for such actions! You know you’re worthy of retribution. Don’t settle for less.
Again, I’d meant to devout this week’s edition to the Realm of Cancer—but it turns out there were too many other things to tell you. And since I do not wish to waste any more of your precious work hours…let me give you another week of titillating suspense to learn more about the passionate, psychic, needing to nurture sign you sometimes want to hit…:)
The final days of Retrograde will find us continuing to deal with dropped cell phone calls, rerouted emails and the pissiest of friends, lovers and roommates—all of whom are misunderstanding everything we say! Allow for more time than usual in your train and traffic travels, and “Honey, can I see you in the kitchen?” conversations. No matter how well you know your said routes, you are bound to get lost at least a couple of times before this period has passed. The force of the Retrograde will increase before it leaves us the hell alone. Keep your liquid comfort blankets handy.
It’s a full moon in Capricorn, under the sign of Cancer. It’s a good time to try and make some more money out of things you do from home. If you don’t run a home business, you’re still likely to make money. Capricorn, resourceful sign, combining with Cancer—Maternal Mothership Sign, means a trip to the sperm bank or fertility center and get a quote on your ovaries. Yes, even those of you who are genetically wired to be nasty bitches or bastards will receive a fine offer on your screwed up spawn or disobedient children.
With a Venus in Leo, sexual situations are likely to be wild, but be prepared to cuddle even your most dominant, once you get the cuffs off. Cancer’s influence is bound to bring out Leo’s panicked insecurity. “Was it too hard? Really? You liked it? Did you really like it?” Assure your lover that yes, they are the greatest lover of all time and once you can walk again, you’d be happy to have another go.
However, with a Mars, being the warring planet, in Taurus, being the stubborn-est little choo-choo,—be prepared that absolutely no one is going to budge on any argument. Okay, sure. YOU know that all life descended from the miraculous fart of a Martian Octopus, but everyone else won’t budge away from that evolution theory. This doesn’t mean your opinion isn’t well formed and well supported! It’s merely the Mars in Taurus.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Looks as though Aries was pretty hot-to-trot with the cutie who lives up the block. Finally! The love you’d been waiting for arrived! You planned the escape in one of your rare moments of Aries decisiveness, booked a chapel in Vegas…only to find that the cutie has a live in lover, an illegitimate child and actually thinks you’re kind of creepy. Never fear, Ram friend! While talking out your sorrows to your best friend over cold beer and cold wings, the bartender will overhear and take you home for a pity rebound. You’ll cry through the whole thing, but you’ll feel better in the morning when the hangover subsides. You may even have the coveted repeat offender! See? It’s not so bad.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
What in the world kind of bad ju-ju did you get yourself into? How many breakdowns, breakups, re-routes and inferno disasters did you poor things have to weather in a mere seven days? Watch how much you bitch to your friends. They may start pretending they’re busy and not invite you to poker nights. They can’t fix your broken heart anymore than they can fix your broken credit—even with a loan, which will haunt you until you can pay it back. In fact, let them leave you off their e-vite lists for awhile. You wouldn’t have much fun anyway. You’re just not in a very good mood. Stay put in your apartment and love the skin you’re in. We’ll miss you and start to love you again soon.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Granddaddy Depression took an unwelcome visit in your realm this past week, didn’t he, sweetheart? He can be such an asshole. Whether he had reason to visit i.e. unemployment or lack of attention from people you like, or whether he just felt like crapping on your couch, you’re going to deal with it in your typical Gemini way by clinging to someone else, whom you’d otherwise been aloof to recently. Unfortunately, this will not solve your problem. Being whiney and smothering the person you pushed away will annoy them. You’re meant to hang out with GD alone. The good news is that he’s going to get sick of you, too and will bound out the door a lot faster than he would if you keep a lot of hot chicks around your apartment. Bring on the hot chicks (or dudes…) later on.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Happy Birthday to us, by the way! Oh, dear. Looks like we already slipped up and spent too much money on planning our birthday parties. Our friends said they’d bring the wine and beer, but we felt guilty about them spending their cash—even though we personally hired the clown stripper at their parties last spring. We worked so hard for our cash, and now we’re back to panhandling for groceries again. That got us arrested last time, didn’t it? And wasn’t our ass kind of candy in prison? Repeating mistakes never really worked out for us. It’s time we pooled our resources and focused on ways to stop throwing around our hard-earned goods. Let’s pretend this week that Cancer is the sign of focus and order. It’s the only way to steer us through these last few putrid days of Retrograde…
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Everyone has been talking, but all Leo has been hearing is “wank wank wank…jibby jabby.” The natural Leo response to said situation is to sit with a creased brow and arms crossed over chest, turning annoying noises into silence. However, the best course of action Leo could take would be to get up, pack the backpack and hitchhike to Florida. To those Leos in Florida, I suggest the Honduras—but you’ll need a boat. While playing your flute for tips, and using your tips for food, you’ll have a miraculous breakthrough about you are, what you want and the sure way to cure the world of acid reflux. Upon marketing your idea, you’ll make lots of money, which will lead to motivational speaking gigs aplenty. This is an extreme case. The rest of the Leos will find something along those lines that won’t require them to leave home or sleep on a beach. Although that does sound kind of nice…
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…brief periods of deep frustration seem to be the theme around here! No difference for the Virgos this week. Fortunately, the minor mishaps for the Virgins will be along the lines of losing your bus pass or keys—not cars or homes. However, Virgo refuses to see how lucky they are that it’s not worse and will focus instead on how pissed they are at the bad luck. Which, of course, will only make their luck worse. Their roommates may kick these cranky kids out. So may the bus driver. Cars may just drive off on their own, rather than have road-ragey Virgo behind the wheel. The flying monkeys have just reported that Virgo is actually obsessing over something else that’s bothering them, not admitting what it is and taking it out on the insignificant shit. L Hey, friend. Was what you wanted really what you needed? Maybe it’s better you didn’t get it. Meditate, please. Your blood pressure is going up.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Look, the rest of us have no sympathy for Libras this week. You’re all upset because you didn’t win the Great Sin-Off at the Ass-tro Hour and you really wanted the flaming tiara…but your pooch did win the Barking Beauty Pageant, and now you’re getting calls from crazy people who like to put clothes on dogs and take pictures of them for calendars and stuff. You made money on that somehow, so no complaining about the tiara thing. Can’t win everything. Let it go. Continuing to complain is going to make people stop wanting to hang out with you. Ah, hell. Forget about those jealous bastards. Go hang out with the people who put raincoats on their pooches when the weather’s bad. They understand you. The rest of us no longer do.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You’ve annihilated your enemies, the moat around your castle is finished. You can finally gaze out across the horizon and cackle, “Mine…all mine!!!” Yes, Scorpio. You’ve reached a point of peace and bliss, all too rare for you. However, you’ll journey back down to realize your plumbing is leaking and because you thought the plumber was out to get you too, had her annihilated, but you don’t trust anyone else to come in and fix things. Might have been a little hasty on your part. The plumber was having a PMS moment; throwing a wrench at your snarky little head was nothing personal. It’s time to take a breath, go within and scan the web for new plumbers in your area. It’s time to trust again. Unless you prefer to have the moat through your living room. Somehow, I think you’d rather try the trust thing.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
One morning, probably last Saturday, Sagittarius woke up and realized they had nothing to do! Well, that’s not true. They had all kinds of half-finished lovers chained up in the basement—but they’d already forgotten about Friday night’s activities and felt excited about getting out there and starting a new project! They skipped down the street to the hardware store to buy some paint and tools, but are now completely frustrated at the incredibly long line and the super slow guy behind the counter who counts out the change one penny at a time. Sagittarius, the Patience Fairy has returned this week, trying one more time to teach you to wait. You can’t turn up the world to suit your liking. Christ. If you did, we’d all fly off and you’d be bored and lonely. Breathe and just be. Enjoy the mix of characters in the hardware store—as well as everywhere else. All of our times are mercilessly short. Just don’t forget those people in the basement. They may want to eat sometime.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Starting over is a blessing—but blessings sometimes suck. Capricorn knows they made the right move to shake up their current situation, but no one else seems to give them any credit for it. Damnit, zodiac! Can’t someone please go fawn over the Goats for a second? Oh, wait. We’re too busy having nervous breakdowns. Capricorn, our lack of attention should not be read as lack of caring. We’re just trying to dig our way out of our own ditches at the moment. Stop with the tantrums. If you break anymore of our shit, we’ll have you arrested. I’ve got some good news—you’re going to get some good news! Maybe you’ll win Powerball, or maybe your married lover’s spouse will finally kick them out. Either way, you’ll be so surprised by the next big change, you won’t notice our blasé attitude.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
These last few months have found our Water Bearer to be more of a Sludge Bearer. A Raw Sewage Bearer. Whatever it is, it has stunk to be Aquarius. Even this fiercely optimistic sign is starting to slouch and whimper a bit. But! The good news is that one hell of a “Eureka!” is coming your way! Perhaps you’ll discover that your emotionally-toxic roommate is violently allergic to Christian rock. Even if you cringe at it, you’ll be able to stand it long enough until said roommate breaks into hives and vomits spells and moves into their girlfriend’s place. Ah. Peace and quiet. For a time. We know you, and you’ll be stirring up trouble with the new roommate, but at least this Fourth of July weekend will be void of the dumps you’ve encountered over the past few months.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Do you enjoy martyrdom, Pisces? Just wondering, not judging. I’m only asking because the Monkeys have announced that you’ve once again—knowingly—entered into a situation with individuals who are using you for your sensitivity, generosity and uncanny abilities in the sack. Not EVERYONE, mind you, many are quite willing to give back, sixty-nine fold. Use discretion when choosing people to pal and fool around with in the coming week. There are just as many around you who are willing to tie you up, too. You could even get paid for such actions! You know you’re worthy of retribution. Don’t settle for less.
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