Sister Mary Has Returned!!!!

Okay, boys and girls. So we didn’t quite reach our goal of $500 to fund Sister Mary’s tarot project. It’s not too late! You can still donate in the upper right corner!

Remember how scattered and unfocused your last two weeks were when you didn’t have Sister Mary to remind you of how shitty it could be. The next time she asks for cash, make sure you bring your wallet—not just your habit!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Hoo-boy. Wrong context on a joke that wasn’t all that funny in the first place…

Over the next few days, you’ll notice everyone around you is nodding into their IPods and journals and pondering their place in the Universe. Don’t let it annoy you too much. You probably won’t notice as you’ll be doing the self-work as well. Sun, Mercury and Venus in self-over-aware Pisces with a Moon in ego-centered Leo means our thoughts and actions are all about US US US. Even more than usual! Oh, well. So be it. We’ll come out better for it once the weather is nicer. Sister Mary isn’t even sure why she’s typing this, as you’ve surely just skipped it to go read about YOU YOU YOU.

It’s the week of March 16-22!!!! Drink it up and wear some green.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Cool! You’ve embraced the Cancer in Mars energy and finally did the dishes growing a mold and roach colony in your house. All seriousness aside, the work you’ve done on your home-centered matters is coming along, nicely. So why did it all break down at the last minute? You’re reorganizing dish towels and it’s not getting any better, is it? The roaches are still coming back. Maybe if you broke that habit of leaving your cereal bowls on the coffee table when you head out the door for work, that might help. Basically, Sister Mary is telling you that there is still some nasty glue-huffing habit you simply refuse to quit and your bleeding nostrils make you less attractive to be around. Also, be nice to your co-workers. They’re feeling sensitive.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh, baby bull. Something crappy happened in Taurus land and has left the sweetest of our Earth signs sobbing quietly in the staff restroom. Taurus hates goodbyes. Every knowing has its eventual unknowing. Basically, every goldfish you come across, Taurus, will eventually end up in the Great Toilet Bowl in the Sky. With the aquarium of your life suddenly dismally empty, it’s time to take advantage of this Overtly Piscean week and focus on you. Feed your inner bull some spiritual free-range grass. Light some candles and do something you would otherwise consider better for your Cancerian roommate. They might even lend you some lavender oil. Did you know that’s a great plant for Taurus? Sister Mary thinks so, anyway. But she may have you confused with Gemini.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Hmmm…maybe you’re the one who blew out of Taurus’s life this week. Bad Gemini. Be kinder to your sensitive Earth Signs. Gemini, if you haven’t been fired or dumped recently, be very careful as it looks like you’re more likely than ever to deal with such inconveniences. Shopping for a new sub/dome/switch is tricky this far into spring. Besides, with Venus in Pisces, your romantic couplings are more likely to be chaotic debacles, and not in a cutesy way. Do your best to stay out of your boss’s way for a bit. You only have to hide out for a few days because come Thursday, something really awesome will happen. Sister Mary doesn’t know whether it will be a raise, an orgy, or the eviction of the family in the apartment above you—the fam with the six tap-dancing children. Eat it up. You’re the lucky one.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ah, it’s still all work-work-work. More trips to IKEA, more coats of paint, more crap to dump on the curb. With Mars still burning up the Cancerian house, we’ve got this overabundant need to complete every task ever presented to us and it’s annoying to the Pisces-influenced people around us, who just want to chill with a Corona and watch Lost. We’re just not in THAT PLACE right now and they’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT. While our homes and wardrobes are looking right spiffy, where we should be putting our Mars energy should be deleting the MySpace profiles of the assholes we dumped last year. Somehow, it’s always the letting go that’s the hardest for the Crab. Sigh.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has to make a decision this week, and it’s one that will eventually make the world a better place. Out with it, Leo. Speak up about that taxing matter. Someone, somewhere, craves your chivalry and it’s time to pull an Aslan on some shitty White Witch Ass. (Such cruel use of the word…) You’ll be happy for doing right and will probably get a statue of you in a town square, somewhere. Now, since the moon is in your sector, it’s also a good time for you to preen your inner kitten. Your gallivanting and saving the world has been kind of taxing on you as well, and it’s time to go get some rest. Ask Taurus to lend you the lavender oil when they’re through with it.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you’re feeling the Pisces pull, too. Not normally known for self-reflection (who has TIME for that airy-fairy CRAP!!! says Virgo), even our precocious Virgins are spilling their guts into LiveJournals this week. Good! Certain things have to be worked through!!! That’s what’s good about dealing with Saturn is that it takes all of your money, so you’re forced to have to deal with your nasty-ass demons. There’s nothing else to do, when you’re finally tired of diddling with yourself. Secret forces of the Universe not so secretly want to maneuver you like a little chess piece. Sister Mary can’t explain it, but the Great Bastard Up Above is getting some helpful action out of your complication life and plans to reward you. Eventually. Meanwhile, continue to let go of old b.s. and embrace a brighter future—sans Saturn.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hmm…..money. Are you making more money? Did you get a raise and not donate to the Sister Mary fund? You bastard. If you didn’t, you need to stop reading this because it isn’t fair. Libras across the galaxy are starting cool new lives in the coming weeks, in the Moving On Up To A Deluxe Apartment kind of way. They’re also going to run into someone from their past. Let’s hope it’s not anyone to whom they owe money. (Do you see a theme here, Luscious Libra?) Let’s hope it’s someone sexy. Is it the same person you ran into a few weeks ago, before SMM went on strike? If so, maybe they’re not just a thing of the past anymore.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Eh. You’re used to self-obsession. The planetary influences this week will feel happily natural. You’ll probably dip back into your favorite pool of depression in the first few days of the week. That’s okay. A journey to the dark part of your inner cesspool will bring back plenty of material for your latest lulu.com creation. Keep with the self-work. Whatever crazy inspiration you manage to draw from it will eventually pay off. Maybe the studio will finally get back to you and make a movie about your life. And that means you’ll make money! And THAT means you can finally donate to Sister Mary’s cause!!! Eventually. Meanwhile, you need to keep meditating. The donation you can go ahead and do.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you are WHOLEHEARTEDLY resisting AstrologyExplained’s EMBRACE THE STUPID SELF campaign. Not that Sister Mary came up with it. The Universe sent it this way and made Sister Mary give it to you, dirty and straight up. Sag, you need to let it go. Sag, you need to go within. Sag, you need to open up your black little heart about those super annoying things called “feelings.” If you don’t do it, you’ll gain fifty pounds and develop backne. (The last part is a threat, not a promise.) You’ve got an opportunity to make things right with the people you’re crazy about, and you better not miss it. Your therapist will strangle you. And she’ll go to jail. And you’ll need a new therapist. Too much to do, so little time to take over the world…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Maybe you’re the one struggling with a Sagittarius. They’re not so good at expressing themselves. Even if it’s not a Sag, you took something the wrong way. Again. Oh, Capricorn. You simply must learn to not take it so hard. Most people have not a clue as to what a giant asshole they are, the majority of the time. Go within and let your innerchild throw a tantrum or two. Sister Mary isn’t going to stop until she has every sign meditating on themselves and learning something about it. Be careful with the lover’s lament crap. You may be enjoying your suffering more than you’d like to admit. Ah, hell. If you truly enjoy suffering, you might as well continue.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You look like you’re separating from a number of folks. Maybe it’s you who had the problem with the Capricorn. You, definitely need to nail your butt to a yoga mat and do some charka aligning. You’ve gotten so out of touch with yourself recently that your own mom asks you to repeat your name a few times. Another note about miscommunication. Your girlfriend/boyfriend won’t stop crying? I guarantee it’s something you said. And forgot you said. Try to remember what it was, or at least pretend you’re sorry. Pretend hard. Ruptures are likely for you right now, Aquarius. And they won’t be any that you like.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s a good time for you. A rare occasion in the zodiac when everyone around you is on your same introspective page. First of all, the phone is quiet, so no one is bothering you. Second, you’re not insane. It’s official. All of your friends are crazier than you. But you didn’t hear that from Sister Mary and you DEFINITELY ought not to repeat it. Miscommunication is a problem this week with Mercury in your sector. Speaking in riddles and rhymes that go over the heads of the people you really do like, deep down. However, it’s also a good time for nuts like you. You’ll get closer to some folk who are helpful to you, and further away from folk who treat you like crap. It’s about time.


Sister Mary missed you!!! She’s so glad to have you back!!!