Welcome to ARIES!!!!

The last of the icicles are finally dripping off the major overpasses and the backless shirts are beginning to return!!! (There IS a Goddess!!!!) Of course, only if the chick is into the hard nipples of HYPOTHERMIA…(we can still see our breath outside the Convent of Sensual Salvation) but SMM is no nun to judge.

Still pondering our hearts and words (mixing up the Pisces influence) with the innate need to plot death against major world figures (that’s the Scorpio moon), but lead under the Aries moon, we’re getting out of our journals and Anarchistic chat rooms and frolicking in the frigid early spring sun! Just kidding. Aries doesn’t frolic. But we are outside unearthing garbage cans from the last of the winter snows and screaming at our partners to bring out the winter’s trash. Aries is like a bear out of hibernation when their sign first arrives. Time to get out and start doing things. They’ll also be the first ones to hit the bar when the works is done.

It’s the week of March 24-March 30!!!! Follow Aries, kids! It’s the start of the zodiac new year and they know the location of the cool places…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Happy Birthday! Truck it on out to Chuck E. Cheese and get some of your crazed energy out. Don’t expect us to follow you. Noises hurt the rest of us this time of year. Aries, in the coming week you’re going to have to (again) pull the rest of the world along. That’s why you were born first. Don’t try to avoid it. You’re going to have to facilitate conversations between co-workers who have taken “I Hate You” vows of silence. It’s a promising week for our rams, as they feel that they’re finally turning over a new leaf. We know how hard it is for a ram to turn anything over without beating it to a pulp with their horns, first. Congratulations to you, Aries, if nothing was broken.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ll be conflicted with all the Rosicrucian Conspiracy Theory talk you’re getting in the chat-rooms this week. Doesn’t anyone talk about Flavor of Love, anymore? Are you the only one watching Lost? Taurus, you’re not the only one watching crappy t.v. Call up your other Taurus friends. They’re doing the same thing. The other signs are still stewing in the depths of sinister Scorpio and perturbed Pisces, but you were never really all that into that kind of wear black, smoke cloves, and give yourself premature frown lines. Don’t despair. Take out that frustration on your closet and start weeding out the clothes you bought on a Shopping Therapy spree—that you know you’re never going to wear. Call up your Aries friends. They’re getting over some dumpy moods and will be more fun than your other friends.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini is following the Spring Fling lead and planning a few key parties of their own this season, just to piss off Aries, who wants their birthday pub crawl to go anywhere but near your house (you probably slept with their girl/boyfriend last year and don’t remember.). Gemini, be careful how many key parties you attend in the coming weeks. Ruptures are more likely than reconciliations, and you don’t have enough cash in your pocket to pay for all of the “I’m Sorry” drinks that are likely to result. In fact, the Flying Monkeys are very worried about your financial situation. If you haven’t done your taxes yet (because you have more random sources of income than most people, nutty Twins), be prepared that you likely have to shell out. You may even need to borrow from that Aries you pissed off last month. Might wanna go play nice for a bit.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay. This is it. This is reaallllllyyyyyy it. Cancers across the galaxy are going to achieve their dreams, get rich and famous, marry and breed in their dream loft by Friday. Seriously. This is the week Cancers will achieve everything they ever wanted and never have to work for a thing after this weekend. Oh, wait. That’s just what’s left the Mars energy floating around. Seriously, again. Cancers are going through a growth period. We’re so damn sensitive to the environment, and the budding tulip bulbs make us want to sprout petals from our scalps. We’ve worked hard over the past few months and we now can enjoy the fruits and veggies of our labor. Word of caution against pushing where no pushing is due. If no one is buying our stellar memoir yet, maybe it’s just not time. There are no secret publishers cemented in the walls of our neighbor’s apartment, so let’s put down the pickax.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
All kinds of nonsense flying out of the cauldron for you at this time, Leo! Our lions are frustrated by little pieces of “DAMNIT” jumping out of the shadows to eat holes in their pocket books and screw around under the hood of their cars. While you’re pounding the pavement with your fists, make sure it’s really that bad before you start blowing up the cell phone of every caring friend out there. Most of this stuff will go away on its own, without you having to do a damn thing. Understand also that the crap you’re trying to make happen needs more than like, a day to get going. Think more like, “A Year From Now…” Looks also like you’re going to run into someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s hope it’s someone awesome.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, Virgo…take heart in the seemingly never-ending cycle of Saturn Suck. While you still have a while to go, you won’t get bored this week. Introspective, philosophical conversations in every corner of every Starbucks will keep you questioning and dissecting every word around you. Distract yourself with abstract thought. It’s the only way. Remember that you’ve got a mess of burdens of your own. You were doing so well for awhile to get out of the drama pool, but it looks as though you’re being lured back into saving someone else from themselves. Don’t let your own strength, wit and wallet be used against you. Besides, someone is likely to take something you said the VERY wrong way and you’ll be screwed—and you WILL have to suck up to someone again. Looks like there is some money coming. Maybe the Tax Fairy will be nice to you this year!

Libra (September 23-October 22)
A week of ups and downs is coming for our most balanced sign. It’s like a tornado came blowing through your dorm room and mixed up your toothpaste with your roommate’s lube. Oops. Libra, you can’t fix everything. You can’t balance it just as soon as you want to. You’ve got to let the world take a few minutes to sort it out for you. Come mid week you’ll forget about the blues of Monday and Tuesday, but the weekend might prove tough yet again. Keep your favorite episodes of Sponge Bob in your IPod and plug in whenever you need to disappear from the crappy world of Being A Grownup. No one will resent you for it.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You must be loving this time, Scorpio friend! The moon is hanging out on your front porch, so you’re continuing on your plan of taking over your company, turning it into a medium sized militia organization and getting the state in which you reside to secede form the Union and eventually take over the WORLD???? (Doesn’t it seem like Sister Mary always gives you the same reading? But isn’t it always true?) Understand that just because not everyone is going to be in on this plan with you, doesn’t mean you have a right to plot their death. You too are going to have a glorious reunion later in the week. Probably with the Leo whose heart you broke last fall. Don’t do it again, we’ll hate you for it. Oh, and it’s really time to quit the tobacco, gambling or paint sniffing habit you re-aquired.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Good week for you, Mr./Ms. Archer! Some kind of growth or movement is coming your way. Perhaps a promotion? Perhaps a new place to live? Perhaps you figured out the rolling orgasm? Congrats! Now, once you’ve gained this stride, it’s your Universal duty to become a leader and share the wealth and knowledge. Pay back the cash you owe others, take out your weeping Taurus friends and pretend to listen to their woes. Make it up to people who looked out for you when you were confused and listless in the late fall. It’s also time to forgive the co-worker for stealing your travel mug two years ago. No, they shouldn’t have stolen it, but if enough time has gone by, you can rest assured that the Karma Fairy has already taken a big dump on their front porch. Celebrate! And call that Taurus.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Quit, fire or dump. First clues that this week is going to be a hefty one for our Goat Fiends. I mean, Friends. If you’re involved with a Capricorn, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll find your Wii packed up. Wait. Not your Wii. Your old bean bag chair and the dog-eared porn they asked you to get rid of like, six years ago. (They’re keeping the Wii.). Capricorn, whatever major move you’re making this week is going to cost you, so you might not get that trip to the salon. It may have to be Supercuts again, but you’ll survive. Change, liberation, and freedom. Sounds like a fabulous band, and you’re the lead singer. Cut a record, but understand that most musicians starve initially. Most do, always.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Convent keeps telling Sister Mary not to even bother writing for Aquarius this week. Or any week until they come back from Neptune. But SMM has faith that some Aquarius, somewhere, is happily reading this horrorscope. Wow!!! You’re broke, too!!! Call up Sag. They have the money this week and Sister Mary just told them to be generous. Despite your money troubles, Aquarius, you’re doing something pretty awesome with yourself—taking advantage of the self-reflective qualities of Pisces and Scorpio which aren’t especially natural to you, but will have done some quite nice things for your character. Careful you don’t feel so generous you spend all your time with a needy Leo or Taurus on the phone. They’re going to be one for the couch this week, and might zap you dry.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, with Mercury getting everyone to chat up your language, and Venus pointing the romance ray-gun straight at your heart (and groin…) Sister Mary wants to know why you’re still sitting on your butt picking skin off the bottoms of your feet. Sitting around and stewing in your own thought juices are attracting the Disruption Gremlins energy that’s heading your way and on the menu for Wednesday. Somehow, the vacuum of your brain is causing the major leak in your kitchen ceiling. Get up, get out, shake up, shake out, do something with your hair. Time to get the energy moving back in your life, or else the Great Bastard Above will do it for you. You know how that always turns out. Why let it happen again?

Turning in now, kittens!!! Sister Mary has a long day of mead-brewing in the mornin’!