This is Sister Mary's Final Horrorscope....

April Fools!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry about that.

It’s the week of March 30-April 5!!!! Please don’t hate Sister Mary.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week will feel pretty good to Aries. At least the beginning, part. For those of you lucky enough to have your birthdays this week, the Capricorn moon drastically increases your chance of getting your birthstone wrapped up in gold. (April stone=diamond, for the uninitiated.) Unfortunately, even if the decadent nature of the Capricorn does indeed make its way through your realm, a couple of nasty events are going to increase the chances of you pulling the remainder of your hair out of your head. If it’s not pipes bursting or tires exploding, your mate may decide to try live out the Lifetime movie about the bi-polar teenager. Take heart. It’s all research for their novel which will be sure to sell lots, beginning it in a Capricorn moon, after all. They’ll take you on a cruise when they finally peel themselves off the ceiling.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you, adhering yourself to the ceiling of some poor Aries. But the monkey-sources indicate that you’re not actually bi-polar (you’re NOT a Gemini, after all…), you’re simply pissy because you didn’t get to pick the bar on Friday night. Well, sweetie, not everyone can afford a bottle bar (at $200 per bottle???? Geez….). Frankly, you can’t either. Brat. Learn to appreciate the finer qualities of dive bars. Chicken wings. Fries. Beer pong. Learn to love the simple things and your bad mood periods will decrease. In fact, dive-crawling will be good not only for your perspective, but for your physical activity as well. The cauldron recommends that you keep moving this week.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re having the Taurus week, but in reverse. Mostly. You’ll start out this week hitting each and every party, concert and orgy in a sixty mile radius. Somewhere in there, the Great Bastard Up Above is going to sling-shot you with an epiphany, about which you’ll thoroughly desire to write a book. Being Gemini, you’re likely to forget your insane revelation within thirty minutes or so. Keep a tiny little notebook handy to record these major breakthroughs. Besides, it will give you something fascinating to read on the bus, later on. Take your Ritalin because it’s going to be a long journey to completion. You got the One-Year rune in your cauldron stir. Which means, whatever you start on now is going to take 12 months longer to complete than you thought. Be patient. Hello? Are you still listening?

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Aw, damnit! Just when we were starting to have fun. Some hottie is going to up and leave us. Which, of course, we’ll add to the pile of Hotties To Obsess About, the files of which go back to 1989. Fellow Crabs, let us not wail from the rooftops anymore than will wake the neighbors on the top floor. It’s not going to make us feel any better to wake up the super. Our better resort would be to go with our Sag friends to a yoga class. Sags are good, because they’ll be tired of our whining in about seven minutes and remind us to shut up. Yoga is even better as it will melt the Ben and Jerry’s therapy off our asses, and expose us to a hard-bodied yoga instructor we could love to death. And then add to the Hottie To Obsess About pile. See, Cancers? The only way to heal from one heartbreak is to replace it with another one. It won’t feel great for us, but it will feel better for our friends, who would love to hear about a new douche. They’re so sick of our rants about the old one.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Yup. Yup. Yup. Leos took the self-help books to heart and focused on their projects and personal lives instead of their romance and sex lives. Guess what, Leo! Looks like you’re going to meet someone this week! Of course, it’s going to have the lifespan of a fruit-fly, but at least that gives you something to blog about. Don’t despair too much if you meet someone and it doesn’t work out—or if you meet someone and it does work out, but they’re just not that great with their tongue. Whatever you need to separate from yourself this week, it may be painful, it may be a relief. It all depends on how you decide to handle it. Don’t drink yourself to death, and don’t blow up your best friend’s cell phone. They’re still paying off the last one you blew up. Good luck, babe.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
"Hey sweetie! How are you doing?" asks Sister Mary in the tone of someone speaking to someone in a padded cell. It’s that point in the Saturn cycle where it’s completely obvious how Virgo is doing. All other signs—just don’t ask. Back away slowly and make sure to take all sharp objects with you. Closures, getting rid of stuff, forced by doctor to give up cocaine. Virgo, that’s what Saturn Suck Time is all about. It (duh) sucks a lotta lot, but when you come out in say in about a year, you’ll be such a better person with such a well-organized wardrobe! Yes, Virgos are anally-organized in most things: their favorite blogs and newsites taped to the desk by their computer, for singular example. Their home states, however, are generally not. Whips, chains and plugs all over the place. So hard to find things in a Virgo house when you need them.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you need to go back in the house and finish your meditations. You said you’d finished everything and got back into balance, but Sister Mary’s monkeys are screaming that you did not. Something else in your private psyche needs to click back into place. You’re refusing to listen to the little voice trapped beneath the filing cabinet of your soul. (Heavy, right? Think on that for awhile.) Honor your inner badass. You’ll need it in the coming week when a painfully uncomfortable reunion occurs. However, this painfully uncomfortable thing will serve to help you let go of the past ick. Looks as though your ex is going to show up, with an extra fifty pounds attached. Did Sister Mary give you this reading a few weeks ago? Well, if it didn’t happen then, it’s sure as hell going to happen now. Take pictures and circulate to loving friends.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Huh. Maybe it’s you who’s breaking all the Cancerian hearts this week. Well, if that’s the case, Sister Mary breathes a sigh of relief. She thought it might have been someone important—like a Leo or a Taurus. Maybe it’s a Leo who’s going to trounce on your black little blood-pumper! The prospects for revenge look excellent this week, although not immediate. Expect that it will take six months to a year for the Voodoo curse to come to fruition. You’ll need to pay the Mambo, so don’t spend all your money on gin. Now, it looks as though you (like many of us this week) are also ignoring your inner cricket. Did this person really deserve all the crap you’re slinging at them? We know you think so, but does the rest of the world agree? Before you say, “Eat me, cheap bastards…” think about it for a bit. Maybe if you listen to your inner cricket, you’ll avoid jail time.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sister Mary simply doesn’t see how it could get much better for you. You’re nearly exhausted from chasing that hot Aquarius all over the city, but it looks as though this week will be the time you finally nail them. Watch out. There’s a 38% chance of falling hopelessly in love. (Loving an Aquarius? Only a Sag could take on that kind of emotional mutilation…) Well, Sag, SMM is happy to announce that you’re going to have a happy ending to your week, however that ending may come. That’s all the reading you get. Sister Mary is going to save her energy for signs with real problems.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Since the moon is in your sector, take some time to get to know your inner Capricorn. We all know heavy-duty meditation, group therapy and intense journaling bore you all to tears. Maybe you should simply cash in your alimony and spend it all at the Turkish baths. Get to know yourself while being rubbed with sea-salt by a muscled dude named Ivan. Soak in hot mud and leave your negative ju-jus for someone else to pick up. You weren’t using them for good, anyway. It looks like you too have excellent prospects for meeting someone awesome this week! Perhaps a Sag? Perhaps a Leo? Seems as though those two signs are looking to mate this week. Yeah, you’ve got a good week coming. Therefore, SMM has no more to say to you.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Maybe you’re the one running into Libra with an extra fifty pounds attached! (Just kidding. No, really. April Fool’s. Get that finger out of your throat.) Aquarius does have some sort of reunion on their doorstep this week. And it’s going to start the beginning of a one-year crazed-fest. Won’t you enjoy it? It could end in marriage, so get out now, commitment-phobe, if that’s not what you’re into. All seriousness aside, the meeting you experience this week will take you on a fabulous journey. Let’s hope Tahiti is included, it’s particularly lovely in the springtime (we hear….up here….on the frigid island of Manhattan…).

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It wasn’t that SMM was ignoring the fact that Mercury and Venus are in your sign this week, she simply didn’t want to call attention to the fact that you’re still blowing your nose on the sleeve of your coat over something that happened as many as six years ago. Matters of the heart will plague Pisces this week, and it’s all they can do not to drink a bottle of NyQuil and wait for the angels to start singing. Since Mercury also has its feet on your couch, it will be the best possible time for you to verbalize these feelings, which you should do before your insides turn gangrene on you. Tears on the inside will eventually rot away your heart, and eventually, your brain. Booze will take care of your liver.

SMM is very sorry about that joke. Please don’t flog her. Just kidding. Please DO!!!