Seriously, now. If you didn’t get your spring cleaning done when the weather was still crappy—and spent those extra winter weeks watching Tivo—you might be tempted to go frolicking in the park, but you know how much better it will be for you if you get rid of the clothes you still couldn’t fit into this winter. It’s all good. You’ll surely be down two sizes next year.
Hmm….do you even remember what you drank/sniffed/inserted on Saturday night? How about where you did it? How about the name of the drag queen who’s still snoring in your bed? Aries, it looks as though you got so swept up in your own energy, you don’t even know the zip code of the place in which you woke up on Sunday morning. It looks as though this hangover, and other repercussions of your debauchery, will be following you around Monday and Tuesday. Oh, wait. Sorry. Nothing is following you, it’s just you kicking yourself to death. Oh, Aries. Don’t be so hard on yourself. When in the midst of weekend-memory hell, embrace the beauty of cucumber masks and classical music. The stringed-kind. Not the symphonies. Not with this headache, anyway.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Most Tauruses (SMM says most, so she doesn’t get spanked for being wrong about one or two) will get a little something fancy from the Tax Man this year. Either a little money back or a quiet little trip to Club Fed, depending on which side of the Responsible/Spendfiend Taurus coin they fall on. Taurus is going to do a hell of a lot better than Aries at getting shit done this week. They’re finally going to tell their partners to shape up, tell their bosses to fuck off (nicely, in a professional and diplomatic manner) and manage to get in for a mani/pedi before the next weekend. Good work, Taurus. The end of the week will feel like a new world. One of the Utopian ones with cheap, organic produce and a mess of happy, skipping hippies.
Yeah…you must have been the one leading “poor” Aries astray last week. Or maybe you just annoyed the crap out of someone. Silly Gemini. Late last week, you started feeling uncharacteristically (and ridiculously) insecure and clung to someone who was supposed to save you from yourself. From both of yourselves. Well, that person got annoyed really fast and now won’t text you back. Put down the phone, pick up a dirty magazine, do something with your hands other than call that person again. You’re very cute in your own wacky way, and they’re bound to miss you. Take Sister Mary’s advice and diddle you rather than the silent person’s digits.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We should learn from Gemini and understand that there is no point in acting like whiney, sappy crabs when what we should be doing is going out and kicking ass in these last days of Mars energy. Most of us aren’t famous yet, but it’s quite possible it will happen before the end of the month, if we work really hard at it. Anyway, it’s a week where we have to get in touch with us and figure out what it is that makes us call our best friends, weeping, at
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Since your moon is taking the world by storm in the next few days, you’re going to be quite powerful and successful at anything you try to do before Tuesday. Now, when the tides start to change a little bit come mid-week, squeeze those little paws of yours as tight as possible, because something is going to happen which will make you want to chew the head off a certain’s person’s neck. And don’t come crying to us when it’s all done. We took care of you last week, and most of us are going through emotional hoo-ha right now, anyway.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Good Goddess. It’s just not getting any easier for you, is it? Oh, Virgo, if Sister Mary could change your fate…she would so do so. After she changes the fate of Cancerians, first. Some evil bastards like to say that the origins of “suffering” actually means “undergoing.” Maybe it’s true. And it’s sad but true to know that the majority of your friends have patiently listened to you piss and moan for the past few months and while they do care, they’re going to be busier pissing and moaning about their own things. You’ll need to go back into your cave and paint on the walls for awhile. It’s the best thing to do in a time of Saturn of Suck.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Nothing highly unusual for our Libras at the moment. They’re doing fine, except for that chaotic nuclear meltdown over the weekend. SMM is willing to bet some Aries dumped their cookies on their new stilettos. You, like your Cancer and Gemini brethren, are being warned not to be crazy-needy in the next few days. You’ll have to wring your hands alone. Seems as though we’re all going to need to retreat to our hideaways this week. How odd. Not everything is going to go your way, Libra. And even if it did, it’s not always the best policy to have it do just that. Take a break this week from trying to control everything.
Hail, O Evil One! You are striding into the coming week in full glory. Everyone will bow and lick your go-go boots. Be careful not to go striding into the wrong meat market, as you’ll get the wrong sub to lick your pretty toes and end up with some pissed-to-hell dome running after you with a barbed cat-o-nine tails. Even in your world, that could be icky. Scorpio doesn’t like to run. To be pursued maybe. But not made to run. All seriousness aside, sharp ruptures are highly likely this week. Maybe they’re timely, though, although they won’t feel like butter. However, other openings are on their way as well, which is tremendously exciting. In whatever form they take, take them for all they’re worth. Hard. Harder. Damnit, you know you can do better than that.
You, like your Scorpio friends, are starting out this week very strong as well. Of course, you’re going to get that nasty-ass foot of yours stuck in your trachea and someone is going to go slash your tires for it. Exhausted from having to hitch ride after ride after ride, you consider giving up your job and just selling your shit on Ebay for awhile. That’s not a good solution. Take it as a learning exercise. Yeah. And don’t try to sneak 12 items in the 10 items or less line just to save you some time at the grocery. You don’t need that much time and people will hate you for it.
The early part of the week will be rough. That’s all there is to it. But when it gets rough, do that tuck and roll thing and let the chaos waves ride over you. It’s the only way to survive the early part of the week. And you, like Sag, need to calm down, slow down and don’t let the freaks get you down. Open up to your therapist, your spouse and your lover. They’ll probably annoy you, too, but they’re the best thing you got going for you at the moment.
Shake it up. SMM can’t believe she’s saying this to you. You? Lethargic? Whose medication did you steal last week? Well, it looks as though you’ll be reunited with your old rehab friends sometime in the coming week. Hopefully, you’ll run into them in a squeaky clean Starbucks and not in the hospital cafeteria. Careful, though. It looks as though your old junkie friend may be asking to borrow some cash. You’re going to need it to get your grandpappy’s watch out of the pawn shop, so don’t give it out.
Ooh…..Pisces. Something is seriously rotten in your fish tank this week. Never underestimate the power of the seriously pissed-off. Never take for granted another person’s silence. All fish everywhere are warned to go back and figure out if any major white elephants shitting in the middle of their living rooms need to get noticed. Pisces, we know you are the least confrontational of all signs, but that needs to change and fast if they want to continue getting laid this week. Some Pisces are already screwed beyond help. If you’re not one of those Pisces, consider making some changes before it’s too late.
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