Oh, why bother with intros??? You’re just going to scroll down to your sign!!!
Stock your fridge, mend your socks and pick up the condom wrappers before the wife comes home. Your week starts out strong, Aries, but some kind of torpedo is on the way. It may be nothing more than an extra stall on
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Happy Birthday!!! Crazy interruptions hit our Bulls squarely between the horns last week, ranging from an irritating case of the hiccups to the explosions of boilers in the basements of their spirits. It’s not a great way to begin your birthday season. Taurus, it’s going to take a long time to get over these hiccups. Maybe a year or more. After you’ve finished with that China Shop, pay attention to when you ought to pull those horns in and sneak out stealthily before the cops show up.
As happy and flighty as our Twins can be, they hold a grudge comparable to the most vengeful Cancer or Scorpio. (Maybe not so much as Capricorn—impossible to top that kind of grudge). And, it looks like Gemini woke up out of the bed this morning with a nasty grudge squarely painted on both of their faces. If you’ve upset a Gemini recently, believe that they are running off to weep in the company restroom numerous times during the day. (And you thought they had no feelings…) It’s okay. Geminis around the galaxy will take the time to have constructive conversations in which—of course—the other party will be unable to insert a word. But it will involve minimal throwing of drinks, knives or office supplies.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
We toughened up our shells this week, and this time, it wasn’t an illusion. People actually were out to get us. So, into the bedroom we went with a pretty lavender candle and dusted off our Ani DiFranco collection. Now, having brewed in our own resentful juices, we’re getting ready to go out there and say the things we’ve rehearsed in our bedroom mirrors. However, the rest of the signs have already forgotten that we’re mad at them. Cancers, we are being warned to not enact on our Telling Douche Off In Public Place. The best thing we can do is turn up the volume on our Inner Jiminy Crickets. Murder may not be the smartest course of action.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Our Leos also had reason to prance around with caution early this week. Either they were feeling far too sensitive, or the MILF they took home last week was actually a high powered official and now the press is camping out at our Leos’ dens. (Leo—remove the blindfold once in awhile, okay? The cuffs can stay.) Leo, it’s best that you separate from whatever situation is making you nervous to stand in wide open spaces. You, even more than Cancer, need to listen to that stupid cricket. You’re not as apt to murder as you are to be assassinated. Not everyone offering you a ride in a long, black car has your speed and punctuality in mind.
Saturn of Suck has put you into a near-permanent funk. It’s okay. We’re all getting used to your crappy attitude since the arrival of the Constriction Planet into your home space. While you’re moping into a podcast for the early part of the week, some delicious ray of light is coming into your life. Either the person you’re with finally puts out, or you shack up with the hot bartender who has been ignoring you for the past two years. Looks as though there’s a strong chance of living happily ever after! Finally some good news for Virgos. Doesn’t mean it’s going to last. But it might.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libras expect a fairytale ending to every week. Now, when the glorious prince or princess failed again to sweep them away in a Jaguar of pink roses, they slammed their bedroom doors and acted like Cancers for the rest of the weekend. Libra, please don’t take attention away from our tantrums. Please. Are you pushing too hard to get your way, again? Isn’t it possible that since you got the lucky arrival last week, maybe it’s say, Scorpio’s turn to get it? Or maybe Taurus? Share the glory, friend. And don’t feel the need to return every phone call. Some co-dependants will last up to twelve hours without hearing from you.
Ooh! Scorpio loooooovvvvveeeessss a good secret. And it looks as though they pulled a nice juicy one out of the social closet. If no good tid-bits have been aired, the Scorpios are also finding that things are slowly moving in their favor. This is means their voodoo dolls have been highly effective! Now, Scorpio, remember that you are not immune to the effects of Karma. Wear a helmet and watch for falling pianos. The end of this week will end in some kind of promotion, either socially or professionally. Take Sister Mary out for martinis when you learn she’s right (you cheap bastard.)…
What is it with all the revenge warnings??? Sag, who in the world could you have pissed off? Clearly, it was someone important, or it wouldn’t have shown up in the cauldron the way that it did. When it starts to get frustrating, make sure you truly are upset and not getting off on the pain of ripping your own hair from your scalp. SMM recommends that you get together with your Cancer and Leo friends and all of you collectively call your Inner Crickets. Let’s keep revenge-inflicted wounds to a minimum this week.
Some horrid neighbor woke up Capricorns across the galaxy with ecstatic bedroom screaming or little children who love to pound the floor with horrid feet. Cranky Capricorns are toxic to be around, and it’s likely that they’re the ones out to get Cancer, Leo, Scorpio and Sag this week. We should have avoided the absinthe-orgy, kids…or at least invited Capricorn’s frigid ass to join us. They’ll be over the insult by mid-week when they receive dozens of I’m Sorry comments on their MySpace page. We’d do better to buy them flowers, but they also know we’re broke. Now, they’ll need to watch their asses by mid-week when we start calling them on their shit. Hang in there, Friends of Capricorn. As for Capricorn, just kidding. SMM thinks you’re right about everyone and everything.
You’ve been so friendly and jolly this week—a welcome change from the rest of the signs who have been plotting to kill one another. SMM doesn’t know many Aquarius’s who make a ton of cash, but the Flying Monkeys are reporting that they somehow managed to lend a whole mess of it to everyone they know. Now, they’re broke but don’t come crawling up to the Convent this week asking for a scrap of booze. We told you to keep an eye on your flask and your cash. On the other hand, if someone does owe you money, or sexual favors, this isn’t the week to ask for it. It’s coming to you, but you don’t need to do anything about getting it, right now.
Mixed up communication all around. Explaining yourself has never been your strongest suit, or even closest to it. But when people call you crying over something you supposedly said in G-Crack, which you don’t even remember typing. There are numerous things in Pisces land that need fixing. Pisces needs to take this time and go within, acknowledge their inner-bastards and figure out how to get rid of them. Or at least, the parts of them that make others drink heavily. It’s a growing time for Pisces. They’ll do well in the long run.
SMM loves you more than you can possibly know!!!
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