It's Mantra time again.

Goodness gracious! Readership was never higher than last week, when you all thought Sister Mary was about to pull the plug. So silly.

Anyway, this week is bound to be insane as we’ve got Aries in our Sun, Mercury and Venus. Basically, we won’t have time for shite—not even to read Sister Mary’s beloved column. But because the Moon is in sensitive Taurus, you’ll need the love only Sister Mary knows how to provide.

This week, SMM is giving you drive-thru mantras to get you back on the cosmic freeway and getting things done. Ride the Aries energy, fiery sinners!!! Ride it straight away!!!

It’s the week of April 6-12!!! It’ll all be over soon…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
The Morons I Carry…Eventually Will Eat Me. Keep this in mind while enabling your incompetent co-workers and siblings. While they mean well, they will eventually end up gnawing on your tired skull.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Blank is the end, Blank is the Beginning. It is healthy, wealthy and wise of you to dump the money and soul sucking gremlin currently snoring in your bed. Start over fresh, and fill that freshness with someone hotter who will pick up the check 50% of the time.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
It May Not Go Your Way…Therefore, Your Head Will Explode. Gemini, are you putting your desire to bring your partner to the absinthe party above your partner’s need to go to rehab? Be careful to separate your own need to destroy from others’ need to heal.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
When they don’t listen…Talk Louder. If we have something to say, and the other chattering monkeys just won’t stop with the chatter, we’re going to have to stand on the table and bang some pot lids together until they do. Sulking will not get our message across.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Patience is the way of the Sexy Warrior. No acting needy this week, Leo. No clinging, pouting or pushing to get your way. Work with your inner monk and enjoy the beauty of silence once in a while.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
RUN AWAY. FOR THE BASTARDS ARE OUT TO GET YOU. Not to prey on the Virgo paranoia. But this week, it’s true…

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Spicy food will clear the sinuses, and therefore, the head as well. Ignore the loudmouths around you. Spend time alone with a spicy bowl of Udon. Ask the little cricket within you, “What the fuck do I do next?” Only in that cricket, not in your hoard of LiveJournal friends, will you find the answer.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Refill the moat and clone the army. If you, Scorpio, has an obstacle between you and your goal, it’s better that you stalk the shadows and wait for it to go away on its own. Moving too fast may bring out the stubborn bastard in your enemy. It’s a pain in the ass. Just wait it out.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Don’t move. Seriously. Remain calm this week, as you’ve once again gotten yourself into a situation (probably something to do with that foot you carry around in your mouth) that you cannot get out of easily. Let the professional (white coats) take care of it. Don’t do anymore that might further screw things.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
All is whole, therefore, I will go shopping. Yes, Capricorn, enjoy this prosperous time, for even good times are temporary. Don’t get annoyed with that statement—Sister Mary is an honest nun and would say the same to you if it were nasty times in your way. Just have fun. For it won’t always be so easy.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Stuff takes awhile. Therefore, don’t push it. Aquarius, SMM wants to remind you of a proverb about the old farmer who was so eager to assist his crops’ growth that he ran outside every night and pulled at the new shoots. That’s stupid. Don’t do that.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s not so bad. Come out and play. You and Capricorn should hook up this week. Things are fine, so enjoy the ride. Give yourself a week off from contemplating the darker mysteries of the Cosmos. They’ll be back next week to annoy you.

SMM loves you!!!