April Fools!!!!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sorry about that.
It’s the week of March 30-April 5!!!! Please don’t hate Sister Mary.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
This week will feel pretty good to Aries. At least the beginning, part. For those of you lucky enough to have your birthdays this week, the Capricorn moon drastically increases your chance of getting your birthstone wrapped up in gold. (April stone=diamond, for the uninitiated.) Unfortunately, even if the decadent nature of the Capricorn does indeed make its way through your realm, a couple of nasty events are going to increase the chances of you pulling the remainder of your hair out of your head. If it’s not pipes bursting or tires exploding, your mate may decide to try live out the Lifetime movie about the bi-polar teenager. Take heart. It’s all research for their novel which will be sure to sell lots, beginning it in a Capricorn moon, after all. They’ll take you on a cruise when they finally peel themselves off the ceiling.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Maybe it’s you, adhering yourself to the ceiling of some poor Aries. But the monkey-sources indicate that you’re not actually bi-polar (you’re NOT a Gemini, after all…), you’re simply pissy because you didn’t get to pick the bar on Friday night. Well, sweetie, not everyone can afford a bottle bar (at $200 per bottle???? Geez….). Frankly, you can’t either. Brat. Learn to appreciate the finer qualities of dive bars. Chicken wings. Fries. Beer pong. Learn to love the simple things and your bad mood periods will decrease. In fact, dive-crawling will be good not only for your perspective, but for your physical activity as well. The cauldron recommends that you keep moving this week.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
You’re having the Taurus week, but in reverse. Mostly. You’ll start out this week hitting each and every party, concert and orgy in a sixty mile radius. Somewhere in there, the Great Bastard Up Above is going to sling-shot you with an epiphany, about which you’ll thoroughly desire to write a book. Being Gemini, you’re likely to forget your insane revelation within thirty minutes or so. Keep a tiny little notebook handy to record these major breakthroughs. Besides, it will give you something fascinating to read on the bus, later on. Take your Ritalin because it’s going to be a long journey to completion. You got the One-Year rune in your cauldron stir. Which means, whatever you start on now is going to take 12 months longer to complete than you thought. Be patient. Hello? Are you still listening?
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Aw, damnit! Just when we were starting to have fun. Some hottie is going to up and leave us. Which, of course, we’ll add to the pile of Hotties To Obsess About, the files of which go back to 1989. Fellow Crabs, let us not wail from the rooftops anymore than will wake the neighbors on the top floor. It’s not going to make us feel any better to wake up the super. Our better resort would be to go with our Sag friends to a yoga class. Sags are good, because they’ll be tired of our whining in about seven minutes and remind us to shut up. Yoga is even better as it will melt the Ben and Jerry’s therapy off our asses, and expose us to a hard-bodied yoga instructor we could love to death. And then add to the Hottie To Obsess About pile. See, Cancers? The only way to heal from one heartbreak is to replace it with another one. It won’t feel great for us, but it will feel better for our friends, who would love to hear about a new douche. They’re so sick of our rants about the old one.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Yup. Yup. Yup. Leos took the self-help books to heart and focused on their projects and personal lives instead of their romance and sex lives. Guess what, Leo! Looks like you’re going to meet someone this week! Of course, it’s going to have the lifespan of a fruit-fly, but at least that gives you something to blog about. Don’t despair too much if you meet someone and it doesn’t work out—or if you meet someone and it does work out, but they’re just not that great with their tongue. Whatever you need to separate from yourself this week, it may be painful, it may be a relief. It all depends on how you decide to handle it. Don’t drink yourself to death, and don’t blow up your best friend’s cell phone. They’re still paying off the last one you blew up. Good luck, babe.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
"Hey sweetie! How are you doing?" asks Sister Mary in the tone of someone speaking to someone in a padded cell. It’s that point in the Saturn cycle where it’s completely obvious how Virgo is doing. All other signs—just don’t ask. Back away slowly and make sure to take all sharp objects with you. Closures, getting rid of stuff, forced by doctor to give up cocaine. Virgo, that’s what Saturn Suck Time is all about. It (duh) sucks a lotta lot, but when you come out in say in about a year, you’ll be such a better person with such a well-organized wardrobe! Yes, Virgos are anally-organized in most things: their favorite blogs and newsites taped to the desk by their computer, for singular example. Their home states, however, are generally not. Whips, chains and plugs all over the place. So hard to find things in a Virgo house when you need them.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Libra, you need to go back in the house and finish your meditations. You said you’d finished everything and got back into balance, but Sister Mary’s monkeys are screaming that you did not. Something else in your private psyche needs to click back into place. You’re refusing to listen to the little voice trapped beneath the filing cabinet of your soul. (Heavy, right? Think on that for awhile.) Honor your inner badass. You’ll need it in the coming week when a painfully uncomfortable reunion occurs. However, this painfully uncomfortable thing will serve to help you let go of the past ick. Looks as though your ex is going to show up, with an extra fifty pounds attached. Did Sister Mary give you this reading a few weeks ago? Well, if it didn’t happen then, it’s sure as hell going to happen now. Take pictures and circulate to loving friends.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Huh. Maybe it’s you who’s breaking all the Cancerian hearts this week. Well, if that’s the case, Sister Mary breathes a sigh of relief. She thought it might have been someone important—like a Leo or a Taurus. Maybe it’s a Leo who’s going to trounce on your black little blood-pumper! The prospects for revenge look excellent this week, although not immediate. Expect that it will take six months to a year for the Voodoo curse to come to fruition. You’ll need to pay the Mambo, so don’t spend all your money on gin. Now, it looks as though you (like many of us this week) are also ignoring your inner cricket. Did this person really deserve all the crap you’re slinging at them? We know you think so, but does the rest of the world agree? Before you say, “Eat me, cheap bastards…” think about it for a bit. Maybe if you listen to your inner cricket, you’ll avoid jail time.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sister Mary simply doesn’t see how it could get much better for you. You’re nearly exhausted from chasing that hot Aquarius all over the city, but it looks as though this week will be the time you finally nail them. Watch out. There’s a 38% chance of falling hopelessly in love. (Loving an Aquarius? Only a Sag could take on that kind of emotional mutilation…) Well, Sag, SMM is happy to announce that you’re going to have a happy ending to your week, however that ending may come. That’s all the reading you get. Sister Mary is going to save her energy for signs with real problems.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Since the moon is in your sector, take some time to get to know your inner Capricorn. We all know heavy-duty meditation, group therapy and intense journaling bore you all to tears. Maybe you should simply cash in your alimony and spend it all at the Turkish baths. Get to know yourself while being rubbed with sea-salt by a muscled dude named Ivan. Soak in hot mud and leave your negative ju-jus for someone else to pick up. You weren’t using them for good, anyway. It looks like you too have excellent prospects for meeting someone awesome this week! Perhaps a Sag? Perhaps a Leo? Seems as though those two signs are looking to mate this week. Yeah, you’ve got a good week coming. Therefore, SMM has no more to say to you.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Maybe you’re the one running into Libra with an extra fifty pounds attached! (Just kidding. No, really. April Fool’s. Get that finger out of your throat.) Aquarius does have some sort of reunion on their doorstep this week. And it’s going to start the beginning of a one-year crazed-fest. Won’t you enjoy it? It could end in marriage, so get out now, commitment-phobe, if that’s not what you’re into. All seriousness aside, the meeting you experience this week will take you on a fabulous journey. Let’s hope Tahiti is included, it’s particularly lovely in the springtime (we hear….up here….on the frigid island of Manhattan…).
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It wasn’t that SMM was ignoring the fact that Mercury and Venus are in your sign this week, she simply didn’t want to call attention to the fact that you’re still blowing your nose on the sleeve of your coat over something that happened as many as six years ago. Matters of the heart will plague Pisces this week, and it’s all they can do not to drink a bottle of NyQuil and wait for the angels to start singing. Since Mercury also has its feet on your couch, it will be the best possible time for you to verbalize these feelings, which you should do before your insides turn gangrene on you. Tears on the inside will eventually rot away your heart, and eventually, your brain. Booze will take care of your liver.
SMM is very sorry about that joke. Please don’t flog her. Just kidding. Please DO!!!
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Monday, March 24, 2008
Welcome to ARIES!!!!
The last of the icicles are finally dripping off the major overpasses and the backless shirts are beginning to return!!! (There IS a Goddess!!!!) Of course, only if the chick is into the hard nipples of HYPOTHERMIA…(we can still see our breath outside the Convent of Sensual Salvation) but SMM is no nun to judge.
Still pondering our hearts and words (mixing up the Pisces influence) with the innate need to plot death against major world figures (that’s the Scorpio moon), but lead under the Aries moon, we’re getting out of our journals and Anarchistic chat rooms and frolicking in the frigid early spring sun! Just kidding. Aries doesn’t frolic. But we are outside unearthing garbage cans from the last of the winter snows and screaming at our partners to bring out the winter’s trash. Aries is like a bear out of hibernation when their sign first arrives. Time to get out and start doing things. They’ll also be the first ones to hit the bar when the works is done.
It’s the week of March 24-March 30!!!! Follow Aries, kids! It’s the start of the zodiac new year and they know the location of the cool places…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Happy Birthday! Truck it on out to Chuck E. Cheese and get some of your crazed energy out. Don’t expect us to follow you. Noises hurt the rest of us this time of year. Aries, in the coming week you’re going to have to (again) pull the rest of the world along. That’s why you were born first. Don’t try to avoid it. You’re going to have to facilitate conversations between co-workers who have taken “I Hate You” vows of silence. It’s a promising week for our rams, as they feel that they’re finally turning over a new leaf. We know how hard it is for a ram to turn anything over without beating it to a pulp with their horns, first. Congratulations to you, Aries, if nothing was broken.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ll be conflicted with all the Rosicrucian Conspiracy Theory talk you’re getting in the chat-rooms this week. Doesn’t anyone talk about Flavor of Love, anymore? Are you the only one watching Lost? Taurus, you’re not the only one watching crappy t.v. Call up your other Taurus friends. They’re doing the same thing. The other signs are still stewing in the depths of sinister Scorpio and perturbed Pisces, but you were never really all that into that kind of wear black, smoke cloves, and give yourself premature frown lines. Don’t despair. Take out that frustration on your closet and start weeding out the clothes you bought on a Shopping Therapy spree—that you know you’re never going to wear. Call up your Aries friends. They’re getting over some dumpy moods and will be more fun than your other friends.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini is following the Spring Fling lead and planning a few key parties of their own this season, just to piss off Aries, who wants their birthday pub crawl to go anywhere but near your house (you probably slept with their girl/boyfriend last year and don’t remember.). Gemini, be careful how many key parties you attend in the coming weeks. Ruptures are more likely than reconciliations, and you don’t have enough cash in your pocket to pay for all of the “I’m Sorry” drinks that are likely to result. In fact, the Flying Monkeys are very worried about your financial situation. If you haven’t done your taxes yet (because you have more random sources of income than most people, nutty Twins), be prepared that you likely have to shell out. You may even need to borrow from that Aries you pissed off last month. Might wanna go play nice for a bit.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay. This is it. This is reaallllllyyyyyy it. Cancers across the galaxy are going to achieve their dreams, get rich and famous, marry and breed in their dream loft by Friday. Seriously. This is the week Cancers will achieve everything they ever wanted and never have to work for a thing after this weekend. Oh, wait. That’s just what’s left the Mars energy floating around. Seriously, again. Cancers are going through a growth period. We’re so damn sensitive to the environment, and the budding tulip bulbs make us want to sprout petals from our scalps. We’ve worked hard over the past few months and we now can enjoy the fruits and veggies of our labor. Word of caution against pushing where no pushing is due. If no one is buying our stellar memoir yet, maybe it’s just not time. There are no secret publishers cemented in the walls of our neighbor’s apartment, so let’s put down the pickax.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
All kinds of nonsense flying out of the cauldron for you at this time, Leo! Our lions are frustrated by little pieces of “DAMNIT” jumping out of the shadows to eat holes in their pocket books and screw around under the hood of their cars. While you’re pounding the pavement with your fists, make sure it’s really that bad before you start blowing up the cell phone of every caring friend out there. Most of this stuff will go away on its own, without you having to do a damn thing. Understand also that the crap you’re trying to make happen needs more than like, a day to get going. Think more like, “A Year From Now…” Looks also like you’re going to run into someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s hope it’s someone awesome.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, Virgo…take heart in the seemingly never-ending cycle of Saturn Suck. While you still have a while to go, you won’t get bored this week. Introspective, philosophical conversations in every corner of every Starbucks will keep you questioning and dissecting every word around you. Distract yourself with abstract thought. It’s the only way. Remember that you’ve got a mess of burdens of your own. You were doing so well for awhile to get out of the drama pool, but it looks as though you’re being lured back into saving someone else from themselves. Don’t let your own strength, wit and wallet be used against you. Besides, someone is likely to take something you said the VERY wrong way and you’ll be screwed—and you WILL have to suck up to someone again. Looks like there is some money coming. Maybe the Tax Fairy will be nice to you this year!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
A week of ups and downs is coming for our most balanced sign. It’s like a tornado came blowing through your dorm room and mixed up your toothpaste with your roommate’s lube. Oops. Libra, you can’t fix everything. You can’t balance it just as soon as you want to. You’ve got to let the world take a few minutes to sort it out for you. Come mid week you’ll forget about the blues of Monday and Tuesday, but the weekend might prove tough yet again. Keep your favorite episodes of Sponge Bob in your IPod and plug in whenever you need to disappear from the crappy world of Being A Grownup. No one will resent you for it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You must be loving this time, Scorpio friend! The moon is hanging out on your front porch, so you’re continuing on your plan of taking over your company, turning it into a medium sized militia organization and getting the state in which you reside to secede form the Union and eventually take over the WORLD???? (Doesn’t it seem like Sister Mary always gives you the same reading? But isn’t it always true?) Understand that just because not everyone is going to be in on this plan with you, doesn’t mean you have a right to plot their death. You too are going to have a glorious reunion later in the week. Probably with the Leo whose heart you broke last fall. Don’t do it again, we’ll hate you for it. Oh, and it’s really time to quit the tobacco, gambling or paint sniffing habit you re-aquired.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Good week for you, Mr./Ms. Archer! Some kind of growth or movement is coming your way. Perhaps a promotion? Perhaps a new place to live? Perhaps you figured out the rolling orgasm? Congrats! Now, once you’ve gained this stride, it’s your Universal duty to become a leader and share the wealth and knowledge. Pay back the cash you owe others, take out your weeping Taurus friends and pretend to listen to their woes. Make it up to people who looked out for you when you were confused and listless in the late fall. It’s also time to forgive the co-worker for stealing your travel mug two years ago. No, they shouldn’t have stolen it, but if enough time has gone by, you can rest assured that the Karma Fairy has already taken a big dump on their front porch. Celebrate! And call that Taurus.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Quit, fire or dump. First clues that this week is going to be a hefty one for our Goat Fiends. I mean, Friends. If you’re involved with a Capricorn, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll find your Wii packed up. Wait. Not your Wii. Your old bean bag chair and the dog-eared porn they asked you to get rid of like, six years ago. (They’re keeping the Wii.). Capricorn, whatever major move you’re making this week is going to cost you, so you might not get that trip to the salon. It may have to be Supercuts again, but you’ll survive. Change, liberation, and freedom. Sounds like a fabulous band, and you’re the lead singer. Cut a record, but understand that most musicians starve initially. Most do, always.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Convent keeps telling Sister Mary not to even bother writing for Aquarius this week. Or any week until they come back from Neptune. But SMM has faith that some Aquarius, somewhere, is happily reading this horrorscope. Wow!!! You’re broke, too!!! Call up Sag. They have the money this week and Sister Mary just told them to be generous. Despite your money troubles, Aquarius, you’re doing something pretty awesome with yourself—taking advantage of the self-reflective qualities of Pisces and Scorpio which aren’t especially natural to you, but will have done some quite nice things for your character. Careful you don’t feel so generous you spend all your time with a needy Leo or Taurus on the phone. They’re going to be one for the couch this week, and might zap you dry.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, with Mercury getting everyone to chat up your language, and Venus pointing the romance ray-gun straight at your heart (and groin…) Sister Mary wants to know why you’re still sitting on your butt picking skin off the bottoms of your feet. Sitting around and stewing in your own thought juices are attracting the Disruption Gremlins energy that’s heading your way and on the menu for Wednesday. Somehow, the vacuum of your brain is causing the major leak in your kitchen ceiling. Get up, get out, shake up, shake out, do something with your hair. Time to get the energy moving back in your life, or else the Great Bastard Above will do it for you. You know how that always turns out. Why let it happen again?
Turning in now, kittens!!! Sister Mary has a long day of mead-brewing in the mornin’!
Still pondering our hearts and words (mixing up the Pisces influence) with the innate need to plot death against major world figures (that’s the Scorpio moon), but lead under the Aries moon, we’re getting out of our journals and Anarchistic chat rooms and frolicking in the frigid early spring sun! Just kidding. Aries doesn’t frolic. But we are outside unearthing garbage cans from the last of the winter snows and screaming at our partners to bring out the winter’s trash. Aries is like a bear out of hibernation when their sign first arrives. Time to get out and start doing things. They’ll also be the first ones to hit the bar when the works is done.
It’s the week of March 24-March 30!!!! Follow Aries, kids! It’s the start of the zodiac new year and they know the location of the cool places…
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Happy Birthday! Truck it on out to Chuck E. Cheese and get some of your crazed energy out. Don’t expect us to follow you. Noises hurt the rest of us this time of year. Aries, in the coming week you’re going to have to (again) pull the rest of the world along. That’s why you were born first. Don’t try to avoid it. You’re going to have to facilitate conversations between co-workers who have taken “I Hate You” vows of silence. It’s a promising week for our rams, as they feel that they’re finally turning over a new leaf. We know how hard it is for a ram to turn anything over without beating it to a pulp with their horns, first. Congratulations to you, Aries, if nothing was broken.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
You’ll be conflicted with all the Rosicrucian Conspiracy Theory talk you’re getting in the chat-rooms this week. Doesn’t anyone talk about Flavor of Love, anymore? Are you the only one watching Lost? Taurus, you’re not the only one watching crappy t.v. Call up your other Taurus friends. They’re doing the same thing. The other signs are still stewing in the depths of sinister Scorpio and perturbed Pisces, but you were never really all that into that kind of wear black, smoke cloves, and give yourself premature frown lines. Don’t despair. Take out that frustration on your closet and start weeding out the clothes you bought on a Shopping Therapy spree—that you know you’re never going to wear. Call up your Aries friends. They’re getting over some dumpy moods and will be more fun than your other friends.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Gemini is following the Spring Fling lead and planning a few key parties of their own this season, just to piss off Aries, who wants their birthday pub crawl to go anywhere but near your house (you probably slept with their girl/boyfriend last year and don’t remember.). Gemini, be careful how many key parties you attend in the coming weeks. Ruptures are more likely than reconciliations, and you don’t have enough cash in your pocket to pay for all of the “I’m Sorry” drinks that are likely to result. In fact, the Flying Monkeys are very worried about your financial situation. If you haven’t done your taxes yet (because you have more random sources of income than most people, nutty Twins), be prepared that you likely have to shell out. You may even need to borrow from that Aries you pissed off last month. Might wanna go play nice for a bit.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Okay. This is it. This is reaallllllyyyyyy it. Cancers across the galaxy are going to achieve their dreams, get rich and famous, marry and breed in their dream loft by Friday. Seriously. This is the week Cancers will achieve everything they ever wanted and never have to work for a thing after this weekend. Oh, wait. That’s just what’s left the Mars energy floating around. Seriously, again. Cancers are going through a growth period. We’re so damn sensitive to the environment, and the budding tulip bulbs make us want to sprout petals from our scalps. We’ve worked hard over the past few months and we now can enjoy the fruits and veggies of our labor. Word of caution against pushing where no pushing is due. If no one is buying our stellar memoir yet, maybe it’s just not time. There are no secret publishers cemented in the walls of our neighbor’s apartment, so let’s put down the pickax.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
All kinds of nonsense flying out of the cauldron for you at this time, Leo! Our lions are frustrated by little pieces of “DAMNIT” jumping out of the shadows to eat holes in their pocket books and screw around under the hood of their cars. While you’re pounding the pavement with your fists, make sure it’s really that bad before you start blowing up the cell phone of every caring friend out there. Most of this stuff will go away on its own, without you having to do a damn thing. Understand also that the crap you’re trying to make happen needs more than like, a day to get going. Think more like, “A Year From Now…” Looks also like you’re going to run into someone you haven’t seen in awhile. Let’s hope it’s someone awesome.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Oh, Virgo…take heart in the seemingly never-ending cycle of Saturn Suck. While you still have a while to go, you won’t get bored this week. Introspective, philosophical conversations in every corner of every Starbucks will keep you questioning and dissecting every word around you. Distract yourself with abstract thought. It’s the only way. Remember that you’ve got a mess of burdens of your own. You were doing so well for awhile to get out of the drama pool, but it looks as though you’re being lured back into saving someone else from themselves. Don’t let your own strength, wit and wallet be used against you. Besides, someone is likely to take something you said the VERY wrong way and you’ll be screwed—and you WILL have to suck up to someone again. Looks like there is some money coming. Maybe the Tax Fairy will be nice to you this year!
Libra (September 23-October 22)
A week of ups and downs is coming for our most balanced sign. It’s like a tornado came blowing through your dorm room and mixed up your toothpaste with your roommate’s lube. Oops. Libra, you can’t fix everything. You can’t balance it just as soon as you want to. You’ve got to let the world take a few minutes to sort it out for you. Come mid week you’ll forget about the blues of Monday and Tuesday, but the weekend might prove tough yet again. Keep your favorite episodes of Sponge Bob in your IPod and plug in whenever you need to disappear from the crappy world of Being A Grownup. No one will resent you for it.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You must be loving this time, Scorpio friend! The moon is hanging out on your front porch, so you’re continuing on your plan of taking over your company, turning it into a medium sized militia organization and getting the state in which you reside to secede form the Union and eventually take over the WORLD???? (Doesn’t it seem like Sister Mary always gives you the same reading? But isn’t it always true?) Understand that just because not everyone is going to be in on this plan with you, doesn’t mean you have a right to plot their death. You too are going to have a glorious reunion later in the week. Probably with the Leo whose heart you broke last fall. Don’t do it again, we’ll hate you for it. Oh, and it’s really time to quit the tobacco, gambling or paint sniffing habit you re-aquired.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Good week for you, Mr./Ms. Archer! Some kind of growth or movement is coming your way. Perhaps a promotion? Perhaps a new place to live? Perhaps you figured out the rolling orgasm? Congrats! Now, once you’ve gained this stride, it’s your Universal duty to become a leader and share the wealth and knowledge. Pay back the cash you owe others, take out your weeping Taurus friends and pretend to listen to their woes. Make it up to people who looked out for you when you were confused and listless in the late fall. It’s also time to forgive the co-worker for stealing your travel mug two years ago. No, they shouldn’t have stolen it, but if enough time has gone by, you can rest assured that the Karma Fairy has already taken a big dump on their front porch. Celebrate! And call that Taurus.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Quit, fire or dump. First clues that this week is going to be a hefty one for our Goat Fiends. I mean, Friends. If you’re involved with a Capricorn, there’s a pretty good chance you’ll find your Wii packed up. Wait. Not your Wii. Your old bean bag chair and the dog-eared porn they asked you to get rid of like, six years ago. (They’re keeping the Wii.). Capricorn, whatever major move you’re making this week is going to cost you, so you might not get that trip to the salon. It may have to be Supercuts again, but you’ll survive. Change, liberation, and freedom. Sounds like a fabulous band, and you’re the lead singer. Cut a record, but understand that most musicians starve initially. Most do, always.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
The Convent keeps telling Sister Mary not to even bother writing for Aquarius this week. Or any week until they come back from Neptune. But SMM has faith that some Aquarius, somewhere, is happily reading this horrorscope. Wow!!! You’re broke, too!!! Call up Sag. They have the money this week and Sister Mary just told them to be generous. Despite your money troubles, Aquarius, you’re doing something pretty awesome with yourself—taking advantage of the self-reflective qualities of Pisces and Scorpio which aren’t especially natural to you, but will have done some quite nice things for your character. Careful you don’t feel so generous you spend all your time with a needy Leo or Taurus on the phone. They’re going to be one for the couch this week, and might zap you dry.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Pisces, with Mercury getting everyone to chat up your language, and Venus pointing the romance ray-gun straight at your heart (and groin…) Sister Mary wants to know why you’re still sitting on your butt picking skin off the bottoms of your feet. Sitting around and stewing in your own thought juices are attracting the Disruption Gremlins energy that’s heading your way and on the menu for Wednesday. Somehow, the vacuum of your brain is causing the major leak in your kitchen ceiling. Get up, get out, shake up, shake out, do something with your hair. Time to get the energy moving back in your life, or else the Great Bastard Above will do it for you. You know how that always turns out. Why let it happen again?
Turning in now, kittens!!! Sister Mary has a long day of mead-brewing in the mornin’!
Sunday, March 23, 2008
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Sister Mary Has Returned!!!!
Okay, boys and girls. So we didn’t quite reach our goal of $500 to fund Sister Mary’s tarot project. It’s not too late! You can still donate in the upper right corner!
Remember how scattered and unfocused your last two weeks were when you didn’t have Sister Mary to remind you of how shitty it could be. The next time she asks for cash, make sure you bring your wallet—not just your habit!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Hoo-boy. Wrong context on a joke that wasn’t all that funny in the first place…
Over the next few days, you’ll notice everyone around you is nodding into their IPods and journals and pondering their place in the Universe. Don’t let it annoy you too much. You probably won’t notice as you’ll be doing the self-work as well. Sun, Mercury and Venus in self-over-aware Pisces with a Moon in ego-centered Leo means our thoughts and actions are all about US US US. Even more than usual! Oh, well. So be it. We’ll come out better for it once the weather is nicer. Sister Mary isn’t even sure why she’s typing this, as you’ve surely just skipped it to go read about YOU YOU YOU.
It’s the week of March 16-22!!!! Drink it up and wear some green.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Cool! You’ve embraced the Cancer in Mars energy and finally did the dishes growing a mold and roach colony in your house. All seriousness aside, the work you’ve done on your home-centered matters is coming along, nicely. So why did it all break down at the last minute? You’re reorganizing dish towels and it’s not getting any better, is it? The roaches are still coming back. Maybe if you broke that habit of leaving your cereal bowls on the coffee table when you head out the door for work, that might help. Basically, Sister Mary is telling you that there is still some nasty glue-huffing habit you simply refuse to quit and your bleeding nostrils make you less attractive to be around. Also, be nice to your co-workers. They’re feeling sensitive.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh, baby bull. Something crappy happened in Taurus land and has left the sweetest of our Earth signs sobbing quietly in the staff restroom. Taurus hates goodbyes. Every knowing has its eventual unknowing. Basically, every goldfish you come across, Taurus, will eventually end up in the Great Toilet Bowl in the Sky. With the aquarium of your life suddenly dismally empty, it’s time to take advantage of this Overtly Piscean week and focus on you. Feed your inner bull some spiritual free-range grass. Light some candles and do something you would otherwise consider better for your Cancerian roommate. They might even lend you some lavender oil. Did you know that’s a great plant for Taurus? Sister Mary thinks so, anyway. But she may have you confused with Gemini.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Hmmm…maybe you’re the one who blew out of Taurus’s life this week. Bad Gemini. Be kinder to your sensitive Earth Signs. Gemini, if you haven’t been fired or dumped recently, be very careful as it looks like you’re more likely than ever to deal with such inconveniences. Shopping for a new sub/dome/switch is tricky this far into spring. Besides, with Venus in Pisces, your romantic couplings are more likely to be chaotic debacles, and not in a cutesy way. Do your best to stay out of your boss’s way for a bit. You only have to hide out for a few days because come Thursday, something really awesome will happen. Sister Mary doesn’t know whether it will be a raise, an orgy, or the eviction of the family in the apartment above you—the fam with the six tap-dancing children. Eat it up. You’re the lucky one.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ah, it’s still all work-work-work. More trips to IKEA, more coats of paint, more crap to dump on the curb. With Mars still burning up the Cancerian house, we’ve got this overabundant need to complete every task ever presented to us and it’s annoying to the Pisces-influenced people around us, who just want to chill with a Corona and watch Lost. We’re just not in THAT PLACE right now and they’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT. While our homes and wardrobes are looking right spiffy, where we should be putting our Mars energy should be deleting the MySpace profiles of the assholes we dumped last year. Somehow, it’s always the letting go that’s the hardest for the Crab. Sigh.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has to make a decision this week, and it’s one that will eventually make the world a better place. Out with it, Leo. Speak up about that taxing matter. Someone, somewhere, craves your chivalry and it’s time to pull an Aslan on some shitty White Witch Ass. (Such cruel use of the word…) You’ll be happy for doing right and will probably get a statue of you in a town square, somewhere. Now, since the moon is in your sector, it’s also a good time for you to preen your inner kitten. Your gallivanting and saving the world has been kind of taxing on you as well, and it’s time to go get some rest. Ask Taurus to lend you the lavender oil when they’re through with it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you’re feeling the Pisces pull, too. Not normally known for self-reflection (who has TIME for that airy-fairy CRAP!!! says Virgo), even our precocious Virgins are spilling their guts into LiveJournals this week. Good! Certain things have to be worked through!!! That’s what’s good about dealing with Saturn is that it takes all of your money, so you’re forced to have to deal with your nasty-ass demons. There’s nothing else to do, when you’re finally tired of diddling with yourself. Secret forces of the Universe not so secretly want to maneuver you like a little chess piece. Sister Mary can’t explain it, but the Great Bastard Up Above is getting some helpful action out of your complication life and plans to reward you. Eventually. Meanwhile, continue to let go of old b.s. and embrace a brighter future—sans Saturn.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hmm…..money. Are you making more money? Did you get a raise and not donate to the Sister Mary fund? You bastard. If you didn’t, you need to stop reading this because it isn’t fair. Libras across the galaxy are starting cool new lives in the coming weeks, in the Moving On Up To A Deluxe Apartment kind of way. They’re also going to run into someone from their past. Let’s hope it’s not anyone to whom they owe money. (Do you see a theme here, Luscious Libra?) Let’s hope it’s someone sexy. Is it the same person you ran into a few weeks ago, before SMM went on strike? If so, maybe they’re not just a thing of the past anymore.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Eh. You’re used to self-obsession. The planetary influences this week will feel happily natural. You’ll probably dip back into your favorite pool of depression in the first few days of the week. That’s okay. A journey to the dark part of your inner cesspool will bring back plenty of material for your latest lulu.com creation. Keep with the self-work. Whatever crazy inspiration you manage to draw from it will eventually pay off. Maybe the studio will finally get back to you and make a movie about your life. And that means you’ll make money! And THAT means you can finally donate to Sister Mary’s cause!!! Eventually. Meanwhile, you need to keep meditating. The donation you can go ahead and do.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you are WHOLEHEARTEDLY resisting AstrologyExplained’s EMBRACE THE STUPID SELF campaign. Not that Sister Mary came up with it. The Universe sent it this way and made Sister Mary give it to you, dirty and straight up. Sag, you need to let it go. Sag, you need to go within. Sag, you need to open up your black little heart about those super annoying things called “feelings.” If you don’t do it, you’ll gain fifty pounds and develop backne. (The last part is a threat, not a promise.) You’ve got an opportunity to make things right with the people you’re crazy about, and you better not miss it. Your therapist will strangle you. And she’ll go to jail. And you’ll need a new therapist. Too much to do, so little time to take over the world…
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Maybe you’re the one struggling with a Sagittarius. They’re not so good at expressing themselves. Even if it’s not a Sag, you took something the wrong way. Again. Oh, Capricorn. You simply must learn to not take it so hard. Most people have not a clue as to what a giant asshole they are, the majority of the time. Go within and let your innerchild throw a tantrum or two. Sister Mary isn’t going to stop until she has every sign meditating on themselves and learning something about it. Be careful with the lover’s lament crap. You may be enjoying your suffering more than you’d like to admit. Ah, hell. If you truly enjoy suffering, you might as well continue.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You look like you’re separating from a number of folks. Maybe it’s you who had the problem with the Capricorn. You, definitely need to nail your butt to a yoga mat and do some charka aligning. You’ve gotten so out of touch with yourself recently that your own mom asks you to repeat your name a few times. Another note about miscommunication. Your girlfriend/boyfriend won’t stop crying? I guarantee it’s something you said. And forgot you said. Try to remember what it was, or at least pretend you’re sorry. Pretend hard. Ruptures are likely for you right now, Aquarius. And they won’t be any that you like.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s a good time for you. A rare occasion in the zodiac when everyone around you is on your same introspective page. First of all, the phone is quiet, so no one is bothering you. Second, you’re not insane. It’s official. All of your friends are crazier than you. But you didn’t hear that from Sister Mary and you DEFINITELY ought not to repeat it. Miscommunication is a problem this week with Mercury in your sector. Speaking in riddles and rhymes that go over the heads of the people you really do like, deep down. However, it’s also a good time for nuts like you. You’ll get closer to some folk who are helpful to you, and further away from folk who treat you like crap. It’s about time.
Sister Mary missed you!!! She’s so glad to have you back!!!
Remember how scattered and unfocused your last two weeks were when you didn’t have Sister Mary to remind you of how shitty it could be. The next time she asks for cash, make sure you bring your wallet—not just your habit!!! HAHAHAHA!!! Hoo-boy. Wrong context on a joke that wasn’t all that funny in the first place…
Over the next few days, you’ll notice everyone around you is nodding into their IPods and journals and pondering their place in the Universe. Don’t let it annoy you too much. You probably won’t notice as you’ll be doing the self-work as well. Sun, Mercury and Venus in self-over-aware Pisces with a Moon in ego-centered Leo means our thoughts and actions are all about US US US. Even more than usual! Oh, well. So be it. We’ll come out better for it once the weather is nicer. Sister Mary isn’t even sure why she’s typing this, as you’ve surely just skipped it to go read about YOU YOU YOU.
It’s the week of March 16-22!!!! Drink it up and wear some green.
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Cool! You’ve embraced the Cancer in Mars energy and finally did the dishes growing a mold and roach colony in your house. All seriousness aside, the work you’ve done on your home-centered matters is coming along, nicely. So why did it all break down at the last minute? You’re reorganizing dish towels and it’s not getting any better, is it? The roaches are still coming back. Maybe if you broke that habit of leaving your cereal bowls on the coffee table when you head out the door for work, that might help. Basically, Sister Mary is telling you that there is still some nasty glue-huffing habit you simply refuse to quit and your bleeding nostrils make you less attractive to be around. Also, be nice to your co-workers. They’re feeling sensitive.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Oh, baby bull. Something crappy happened in Taurus land and has left the sweetest of our Earth signs sobbing quietly in the staff restroom. Taurus hates goodbyes. Every knowing has its eventual unknowing. Basically, every goldfish you come across, Taurus, will eventually end up in the Great Toilet Bowl in the Sky. With the aquarium of your life suddenly dismally empty, it’s time to take advantage of this Overtly Piscean week and focus on you. Feed your inner bull some spiritual free-range grass. Light some candles and do something you would otherwise consider better for your Cancerian roommate. They might even lend you some lavender oil. Did you know that’s a great plant for Taurus? Sister Mary thinks so, anyway. But she may have you confused with Gemini.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Hmmm…maybe you’re the one who blew out of Taurus’s life this week. Bad Gemini. Be kinder to your sensitive Earth Signs. Gemini, if you haven’t been fired or dumped recently, be very careful as it looks like you’re more likely than ever to deal with such inconveniences. Shopping for a new sub/dome/switch is tricky this far into spring. Besides, with Venus in Pisces, your romantic couplings are more likely to be chaotic debacles, and not in a cutesy way. Do your best to stay out of your boss’s way for a bit. You only have to hide out for a few days because come Thursday, something really awesome will happen. Sister Mary doesn’t know whether it will be a raise, an orgy, or the eviction of the family in the apartment above you—the fam with the six tap-dancing children. Eat it up. You’re the lucky one.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ah, it’s still all work-work-work. More trips to IKEA, more coats of paint, more crap to dump on the curb. With Mars still burning up the Cancerian house, we’ve got this overabundant need to complete every task ever presented to us and it’s annoying to the Pisces-influenced people around us, who just want to chill with a Corona and watch Lost. We’re just not in THAT PLACE right now and they’re just going to have to DEAL WITH IT. While our homes and wardrobes are looking right spiffy, where we should be putting our Mars energy should be deleting the MySpace profiles of the assholes we dumped last year. Somehow, it’s always the letting go that’s the hardest for the Crab. Sigh.
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has to make a decision this week, and it’s one that will eventually make the world a better place. Out with it, Leo. Speak up about that taxing matter. Someone, somewhere, craves your chivalry and it’s time to pull an Aslan on some shitty White Witch Ass. (Such cruel use of the word…) You’ll be happy for doing right and will probably get a statue of you in a town square, somewhere. Now, since the moon is in your sector, it’s also a good time for you to preen your inner kitten. Your gallivanting and saving the world has been kind of taxing on you as well, and it’s time to go get some rest. Ask Taurus to lend you the lavender oil when they’re through with it.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Yeah, you’re feeling the Pisces pull, too. Not normally known for self-reflection (who has TIME for that airy-fairy CRAP!!! says Virgo), even our precocious Virgins are spilling their guts into LiveJournals this week. Good! Certain things have to be worked through!!! That’s what’s good about dealing with Saturn is that it takes all of your money, so you’re forced to have to deal with your nasty-ass demons. There’s nothing else to do, when you’re finally tired of diddling with yourself. Secret forces of the Universe not so secretly want to maneuver you like a little chess piece. Sister Mary can’t explain it, but the Great Bastard Up Above is getting some helpful action out of your complication life and plans to reward you. Eventually. Meanwhile, continue to let go of old b.s. and embrace a brighter future—sans Saturn.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hmm…..money. Are you making more money? Did you get a raise and not donate to the Sister Mary fund? You bastard. If you didn’t, you need to stop reading this because it isn’t fair. Libras across the galaxy are starting cool new lives in the coming weeks, in the Moving On Up To A Deluxe Apartment kind of way. They’re also going to run into someone from their past. Let’s hope it’s not anyone to whom they owe money. (Do you see a theme here, Luscious Libra?) Let’s hope it’s someone sexy. Is it the same person you ran into a few weeks ago, before SMM went on strike? If so, maybe they’re not just a thing of the past anymore.
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Eh. You’re used to self-obsession. The planetary influences this week will feel happily natural. You’ll probably dip back into your favorite pool of depression in the first few days of the week. That’s okay. A journey to the dark part of your inner cesspool will bring back plenty of material for your latest lulu.com creation. Keep with the self-work. Whatever crazy inspiration you manage to draw from it will eventually pay off. Maybe the studio will finally get back to you and make a movie about your life. And that means you’ll make money! And THAT means you can finally donate to Sister Mary’s cause!!! Eventually. Meanwhile, you need to keep meditating. The donation you can go ahead and do.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Now, you are WHOLEHEARTEDLY resisting AstrologyExplained’s EMBRACE THE STUPID SELF campaign. Not that Sister Mary came up with it. The Universe sent it this way and made Sister Mary give it to you, dirty and straight up. Sag, you need to let it go. Sag, you need to go within. Sag, you need to open up your black little heart about those super annoying things called “feelings.” If you don’t do it, you’ll gain fifty pounds and develop backne. (The last part is a threat, not a promise.) You’ve got an opportunity to make things right with the people you’re crazy about, and you better not miss it. Your therapist will strangle you. And she’ll go to jail. And you’ll need a new therapist. Too much to do, so little time to take over the world…
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Maybe you’re the one struggling with a Sagittarius. They’re not so good at expressing themselves. Even if it’s not a Sag, you took something the wrong way. Again. Oh, Capricorn. You simply must learn to not take it so hard. Most people have not a clue as to what a giant asshole they are, the majority of the time. Go within and let your innerchild throw a tantrum or two. Sister Mary isn’t going to stop until she has every sign meditating on themselves and learning something about it. Be careful with the lover’s lament crap. You may be enjoying your suffering more than you’d like to admit. Ah, hell. If you truly enjoy suffering, you might as well continue.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
You look like you’re separating from a number of folks. Maybe it’s you who had the problem with the Capricorn. You, definitely need to nail your butt to a yoga mat and do some charka aligning. You’ve gotten so out of touch with yourself recently that your own mom asks you to repeat your name a few times. Another note about miscommunication. Your girlfriend/boyfriend won’t stop crying? I guarantee it’s something you said. And forgot you said. Try to remember what it was, or at least pretend you’re sorry. Pretend hard. Ruptures are likely for you right now, Aquarius. And they won’t be any that you like.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
It’s a good time for you. A rare occasion in the zodiac when everyone around you is on your same introspective page. First of all, the phone is quiet, so no one is bothering you. Second, you’re not insane. It’s official. All of your friends are crazier than you. But you didn’t hear that from Sister Mary and you DEFINITELY ought not to repeat it. Miscommunication is a problem this week with Mercury in your sector. Speaking in riddles and rhymes that go over the heads of the people you really do like, deep down. However, it’s also a good time for nuts like you. You’ll get closer to some folk who are helpful to you, and further away from folk who treat you like crap. It’s about time.
Sister Mary missed you!!! She’s so glad to have you back!!!
Sunday, March 9, 2008
On our way...
Hooray!!!
Sister Mary is pleased to announce that AstrologyExplained readers have donated a total of $105 to the Sister Mary Designs a Tarot Deck project! However, this means we have $395 to go...
Open your hearts and wallets and leave a buck for Sister Mary on the PayPal link in the upper right corner!
If everyone cooperates, your horrorscopes will return very, very soon!
xoxo
SMM
Sister Mary is pleased to announce that AstrologyExplained readers have donated a total of $105 to the Sister Mary Designs a Tarot Deck project! However, this means we have $395 to go...
Open your hearts and wallets and leave a buck for Sister Mary on the PayPal link in the upper right corner!
If everyone cooperates, your horrorscopes will return very, very soon!
xoxo
SMM
Sunday, March 2, 2008
On Strike.
Ladies and gentlemen, as you may recall, Sister Mary is attempting to raise $500 for her tarot project. She is asking each reader to donate $1 to the cause.
So far, readers have donated $22.
Therefore, Sister Mary is on strike until these numbers improve.
She hates to be this way, but you hate to be without your horrorscope!!!
Donate $1 on the little button in the upper right corner and the horrorscopes will return!!!
Thanks, everyone! Sister Mary does love you and this does indeed, hurt her more than it hurts you.
So far, readers have donated $22.
Therefore, Sister Mary is on strike until these numbers improve.
She hates to be this way, but you hate to be without your horrorscope!!!
Donate $1 on the little button in the upper right corner and the horrorscopes will return!!!
Thanks, everyone! Sister Mary does love you and this does indeed, hurt her more than it hurts you.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
