My First Time!!!

Those of you in the NYC area…Sister Mary is going to have her first Ass-tro hour this coming Saturday, May 19 at Stain Bar. If I don’t totally blow it, they’ll give me a regular slot!!! Live astrology readings on stage! Get a chance to ask questions about your sign! Hear a true Ouija Board/Ghost Story by Teresa! It’s free, chickens! And they sell good beer.

Ass-tro Hour with Sister Mary Manhattan
Saturday, May 19, 9:00 p.m.
Stain Bar
766 grand streetbrooklyn, ny 11211(L to Grand, 1 block west)
www.stainbar.com
718/387-7840
$FREE

Last week, other astrologers of the world announced that Venus was in Cancer. I was too busy focusing on the moon being in Aries and how that would effect your cash situation. Maybe, being the overtly-sentimental Cancerian that I am, I was numb to the effects of Planet Love. Or lazily blaming it on PMS. Whatever. It’s on it’s way out now.

In Explanation, Venus is the planet of Love. (Duh.) When it’s in a certain sign, meaning it’s passing through that constellation—or at least looks like it’s passing through that constellation from our observatories here on Earth—we mortals will feel the romantic effects of that sign. This past week, Venus was in Cancer.

The effect of Cancer means that most of us are probably going to hold onto love-wounds far more than usual, which means if your lover was needier than usual last week and you ignored them, you’re going to have a lot of brown-nosing to do. It also meant that lovers were likely more sensitive to one another, and there was a great deal of cuddling and cooking and sweet little naughties behind lowered curtains. The weather was beautiful, but who cares? Lock the door and turn off the phone. Cocoon in the shell with the sweetie—as is the Cancer lover’s way.

That should have been your opening essay last week. Hope it’s one of those better late than never things—and perhaps explains why you felt the need to stay in your pajamas all day and take your lover’s jokes too personally.

It’s Mother’s Day!!! Happy Mother’s Day to everyone, whether or not you’re female and whether or not you have kids. Someone, somewhere, gave birth to you and even if you’re not on speaking terms—be glad you’re here. We’re all glad you’re here! Aren’t we?

It’s the week of May 13-May 19! And it’s only going to get wilder!!!

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Our Rams suffer from periodic break-throughs. I can hear many grumbling, “Break-DOWNS, Sister Mary…” and yes, you get those on a regular basis as well, but powerful realizations have come through and kicked our Aries friends in the heads recently. Aries, while not necessarily sharing this revelation with everyone, has convinced themselves that they can no longer live the lives they once did. They’ll strongly consider joining the Peace Corps or start some radical not-for-profit that will enable impoverished children to learn practical dentistry. Aries, calm down. We all know you wish for change but don’t like enough to enact it unless the situation is just too dire. This revelation is not the start of a new life, but more a completion of an old one. Funny how these things work, right? Don’t expect the rest of the world to change with you, or easily adapt to your new point of view. We’re very supportive of what’s happened, but we’ve also got a lot of stuff going on this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Please don’t get upset when I say this, but it’s probably time to let go of those clothes that no longer fit. We all know how fabulous they are, and how well they fit during your coke-days in college, but you’re a more grounded stable person now who’s left that life behind. You know you’re happier without the drugs (aren’t you?), but you just wish you could still squeeze into the lavender pleather pants!!! We all do, baby. We all do. Keep in mind that you’re still a swanky-hot mother f*cker, even without your coke-fiend bod. When you start to lament the loss of your pants, think of all the bad things you had to deal with during that time: having to steal shit, having to go to jail, having to hang out with coke fiends who stole your shit and wouldn’t bail you out of jail. Pack up the pants, drop them off at Goodwill. You’re allowed to shed one tear, but only one. Better yet, try selling them on E-bay and use the money to get a gym membership going.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)”Oops! Uh-oh….” That’s what Gemini said when they looked at their checking account this morning. (That’s what one particular Cancerian said too, but I’m not revealing names…) Gemini can’t remember where they put all the money they finally got. My suggestion is to check the bar—I think that’s where you left it last time. Nice of you to buy drinks for everyone on the block, but it sucks to be you since you’re going to have to shake your hat on the corner for the next week or so in order to eat. Yeah, your money crunch is putting a halt on all the super cool things you’d planned to do this week. Disneyland is not in your corner. You’ve already sold most of your cash-worthy possessions during your last money crunch, and cranky old uncle still hasn’t gone off to the retirement home in the sky. Wait it out and take up knitting. Knit something nice and sell it to a yuppie with an affinity for the homemade. If you make up an accent and pretend you’re foreign and say it’s imported, the yuppie may be even more generous.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Ever notice that of all the signs in the zodiac, Cancers are the most likely to put the most faith in it? As well as consulting the runes, the tarot, and keeping an apartment full of flying monkeys? Why? Because we’re so damn insecure we need tools to figure out what’s going on in all the minds of the other members in the zodiac. Trust me, I’ve spent a lot of money on monkey-feed. Fellow Cancers, you may have noticed that those frustrating people we call friends, family and lovers did the whole “shrouding” thing and wouldn’t tell us what was on their minds and it was supremely irritating? Yeah—that was beyond our control. Evil forces distracted these people from thinking only about us and talking all about us to us on our immediate command. The only way to defeat these treacherous, unseen influences is to pretend they don’t exist. Skip along your merry way and check out the farmer’s market—stock your Cancerian kitchen with delicious supplies. That will bring those brooders back around. You can use your stew as a ransom: “Tell me what’s going on in your troubled mind, or the soup gets the dishsoap.” They’ll talk.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
A Leo friend of mine asked me last week if there was a cosmic reason as to why so many people had been mean to her recently. She couldn’t think of anything she’d done wrong. She also mentioned that the meanest individual was an Aries. I mentioned that Aries has had a tumultuous few months and are quite possibly taking it out in earnest against Leos, who have had a lot of success and luck in the last couple of weeks. (If any Aries are reading this, keep in mind that Leo’s luck has only been of very late and barely a month ago, they were just as cranky and dejected as you are now.) Leo, unfortunately, you may have taken the meanies to heart this week, and it’s disrupting the flow you knew took a long time to get going. Instead of doing the Leo-cat thing and hiding under the couch until the bad person goes away, confront them—but you don’t be mean about it, either. Open, honest communication will put you back on your path of fame and fortune. Likely, these influences are not because of anything you did, but came from situations that were never even about you. But hey, you were riding high and those who ride high are easy targets. Talk it out, let it go. Another creative burst is coming your way by the end of the week. Don’t miss out on it by sulking under the couch.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
I’m vigorously stirring the cauldron to come up with a Virgo reading that doesn’t suck, since I’m pretty sure several symbolic Virgins are beginning to take these readings personally. Nope, sorry. I really did try, kids. Virgo, you’re still stuck in the same yucky place we found you two weeks ago. Half of you put yourselves there, the other half were dragged in by masked bandits on horseback. Either way, the only person responsible for your suffering is you. (You had the opportunity to tell the bandits to shove it and you didn’t. Don’t deny it.) Fortunately, you’re breaking away from your typical Virgo tendency to IgnoreThePain—IgnoreThePain. You’ll recognize that you’re completely fed up with the situation and will begin hatching a plan to end it. The good news is that you’ll find a solution by Friday at the latest. The bad news is that no matter how quickly you came to be in your current lousy situation, it’s going to take twice as long to get out. Gnaw gently, one leather restraint at a time. Doing it too fast will wake the masked bandits and then you’ll be in REAL trouble. Call me when you get out and I’ll bring you a change of clothing.

Libra (September 23-October 22)Yep! Libra is coming up short on cash as well this week. I see whole lots of zodiac members curling up together to watch the tube, since few of us will be able to afford to go anywhere. Libra is especially irritated because for them, they didn’t spend it all on booze and porn like the rest of us. They’ve been saving their cash in order to take their honey on a cruise this summer, or something remotely fabulous like that—when, BOOM! Puppy has to go to Doggie ER. Parent needs artificial limb replacement. Rather frustrating, you know? Libra, you are also to be warned to listen to people who generally annoy you and who you’d rather avoid. They’ll still be annoying, you’ll still want to ignore them, but you’d better not because one of those nuts actually has some wizdumb to impart. Don’t mean to make you paranoid, but there is a chance someone is mis-using your generosity. Step-mom may not actually need that artificial knee. She may be planning a trip to Tibet to hang out with her Leo lover. Keep an eye on her.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Damn. Even I’m starting to feel bad for Scorpio this week. You cheap bastards just don’t seem to be able to get a break, do you? This time, the one causing all the fractured thoughts in your head to spin around is none other than yourself, actually. Looking around at all the friends who are upset or tormented in some way, you’re feeling confused and trying to figure out your role in their demise. No, sweetie. You didn’t do anything wrong. It’s highly likely that you’re just jealous of their chaotic drama and would like to hold onto their coattails a bit. Give up meddling. Talking rationally to your best friend’s significant other will not make said S.O. any less of a douche bag. As much as it pains your cold, wet heart to see it—there is not a thing you can do for a friend who likes to date douche bags. Step out of the drama and wait it our. You can go flog yourself and mourn the injustices of the world, if it pleases you. But none of said actions will give your loved ones the peace they so desire.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Typical. Two different Sagittarius kids called me yesterday while I was trying to write the horrorscopes and both said, “What do you mean you don’t have time to talk to me? Horrorscopes??? Are you getting paid for that sh*t yet? What’s the good news for Sag???” Good news? The good news is that you’re the only sign getting remotely good news this week! Double up on the Trojans, you’ve got a fertile week! Stop panicking, you may not get or get anyone knocked up. But you will receive new ideas for your multitude of creative endeavors and possibly even more smart-asses to help you implement them! Now, here’s what you need to do. Don’t take on any new hobbies and dull all shiny objects in the immediate vicinity—you need all of your focus. This new stuff is going to take awhile to cultivate and distractions will put you back in that rote of chasing your tail. Don’t panic when you don’t get famous for your work within the first two weeks. Glory and cash will come to you, if you avoid the distractions of all things shiny with bells and whistles attached.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Again, a glorious Happy Mother’s Day to my mom—who is a Capricorn, and therefore the reason why this Cancerian can remotely dress herself, decorate an apartment and save any kind of cash for all the crazy things she wants to do. (Among thousands of other things, my pretty mommy!!!) Capricorn had been getting a lot of signs from the Universal order, advising them to use this Blank Canvas time to make their upcoming months profitable and enlightening. Whether or not they actually took this advice is moot because they had another minor (or major…depending on the Goat) catastrophe hit their stratosphere. That’s a shame. But it does happen to all of us, periodically. Fortunately, I’m seeing that more most Capricorns, the disruption isn’t so catastrophic as they’d like to think. Leak under the sink—not ceiling caving in. However, if the leak has ruined any (insert trendy brand of shoe here), Capricorn will think it’s a catastrophe. My advice is to look at pictures of that Kansas town on the web—the one flattened by the tornado? That, my over-zealous Capricorn, was a catastrophe. If any Capricorns from that town are reading this—well, if anyone from that town is reading this—I’m not including you in this “let it go” reading. You get to piss and moan all you want, friend. The good news for all Capricorns, tornado ravaged or not, you really are in a good place. Take stock of and enjoy the good things, before they wander away.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
I think we talked about this awhile back—how you need to be careful about who you’re nice to? You are being taken advantage of, again, for your overly generous nature and empathy. The person keeping you on the phone until the wee hours of the morning, rehashing again how crappy their boss is being, or how flaky their lover has been, or how bad their money problems have become is inevitably going to run your Verizon bill through the rafters, run your credit card bill even higher and expect a friends with benefits situation that will only leave you confused and a little sore. Listen to yourself—do you stand to gain anything from this alliance? So this person has a third cousin who drinks regularly with a record producer you think will help you break through. It’s possible. But aren’t there easier ways to do it than to hang out with a leech? Take stock of what you really need and throw out what you don’t. Don’t make me pull this reading on you again.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
I’m thrilled to report that Pisces is the only sign who got rid of all the crap they were supposed to discard. Thank Goddess. At least one of us is walking around with a clear(er) head. Pisces has had a rough year thusfar, but instead of drinking their way through it, they took the time to see this as a challenge to endure. Most of them did, anyway. This urban spiritual pilgrimage isn’t over yet, though, friend. Be careful with how you treat your loved ones in the coming week—many are likely to be more sensitive than usual and may freak out about something you say or do, no matter how inconsequential said thing or action may be. Keep moving and don’t expect the unenlightened to understand where you’re coming from. You’re not that enlightened either, just so you know…if you were, you wouldn’t be reading this. You’d be floating through the cosmos on a golden beam of energy! Talk about a wild ride between your legs, kiddo…Keep grounded and stay compassionate. It’s your only way to protect your relationships and keep your own self from pulling your hair out.