Happy Birthday, LEO!!!!!

Hey kids!

It’s almost time for the next installment of the Ass-tro Hour!!!

Saturday, August 4, 9:00 p.m.
stain
766 grand streetbrooklyn, ny 11211
(L to Grand, 1 block west)
718/387-7840
http://www.stainbar.com/
$FREE!!!

Special guest, dancer Mary Cochran with a funked out piece special for the Ass-tro Hour. (How does her body do that???) Plus, free astrological advice and a turn at the Magic Microphone!!!

Now, for your regularly scheduled debauchery….

Welcome to the realm of the leonine creatures who loll in the shade when it gets too hot, break out their claws when things get nasty, and spend the nights hunting for flesh and cold drink…

Yes, my sinners…it’s the time of year to celebrate those crazy-ass bastards who steal all the attention with flashy regalia and loud voices at every party. The ones who get laid at every turn. The sexy, purring creatures we’d all love to hate if they didn’t turn out to be such big, giant sweethearts—our friends, the Leos!!!

(Leos like marvelously large introductions.)

Leos were the kids in the back of the class in third grade who made fart noises just to get a laugh and read “A People’s History of the United States” in ninth grade just for fodder to use in arguments with the teacher—but unlike Aries or Sag who enjoys a fight for its own sake, Leo does the research and fights to defend their opinion. Leos plan your political rallies and start your underground arts movements. You’ll probably find them insatiably fired up over one cause, and just when they’ve convinced you to denounce your possessions and follow them to India, they’ve given up Buddhism for the Libertarian Party. (Don’t ask them to explain the jump. They won’t be able to.)

If you work with a Leo, they’re some sort of spokesperson or phone person or the one that welcomes you to the Gap in the front of the store. They’re lots of fun to look at and talk to, and they’re the ones to who you smile and nod and let think are managing the whole store because the idea of power excites them—but not responsibility. If they had to manage a whole bunch of assholes for a living, they’d quit and go on welfare.

Leos are fab-u-lous in the sack and if you haven't tried a Leo yet, get your ass on MySpace or Match or whatever and just look for Leos. No other qualifications need apply. They start out cuddly and sweet and get wilder as the night goes on, rocking you with animalistic intensity that leaves your bed and body shaking and your neighbors pounding on the walls—begging you to either move out or share. They like ropes and gags and hair pulling—but not right away. Start out sweet and gentle with them, or you’ll frighten them away. Leos carry love wounds very deeply, but unlike many other signs that cling to hurt, Leo is more than willing to renounce their old emotional baggage in exchange for new wounds at your hands.

Be very gentle with them. As much as they like to pretend to be the biggest, baddest asses around, deep down they want you to approve of everything they do. Just go with me on this one, guys. Don't try to give them a good character shaping. Wait until their next lifetime when they come back as a Capricorn. If you hurt a Leo's feelings, it's kind of like when you yell at your cat. They will hide under the couch for three days, pulling a most spectacular guilt trip. Take care of your Leo friends. They’re the ones most likely to yell at the cop giving you the open container ticket—and the most likely to go to jail on your behalf for your dumb ass infraction. These kids are going to be your most loyal friends, and even if you make enemies with them for some reason I can’t even imagine (don’t know a single Leo with real enemies), eventually they’ll come back around for pets and cuddles.

However, Leo can and does get angry—every angry—and is wont to tear shit up. Particularly if this is in regards to their image or heart. I’ve read many a Leo post break-up blog which made me fear for the douche who did them wrong. Leos are better off when surrounded by loving, sweet people who can scratch them behind the ears when things get scary. Truthfully, nothing in the outer world is as scary to a Leo as the constant battle going on in their own heads.

Leos are talented and determined enough to accomplish anything that they want to. The greatest hindrance is their massive insecurity complex. One bad date and they swear they’ll never get laid again. One customer says the mocha they made doesn’t have enough whip, and they throw down their apron and say, “I SUCK at barista stuff!!!” It’s the whole all or nothing routine that keeps most Leos sexless and unemployed. Leos can be prone to serious bouts of depression that scare the whole world—holing themselves up for days at a time. Looking out of the moment and understanding that nothing is permanent will help a Leo get through the dramatic spells they occasionally become drawn to.

I’m just kidding, Leo. You’re the best and the brightest and everyone loves you the most!!!! (Right, guys? Say it with me…)

To the Leos of the Convent of Sensual Salvation, a happy happy HAPPIEST OF ALL BIRTHDAYS OF ALL TIME!!! Shawn Randall, Reverend Jen, Tony Curto, Brian Silliman, Luscious Lindsay, Boni Joi, Tilly, Liam McEneaney and Brian M.

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Last week, on As the Aries Freaks, the fiery rams were called upon to eliminate bullshit in their immediate vicinity. They attempted to facilitate constructive dialogue between their co-workers, but when these baffoons started eating the therapeutic play-doh out of nerves and anguish, Aries decided it might just be time to blowtorch the place and start again. Good work, Aries. Nearly everyone got out with only second degree burns. Aries is magical, as they’re very good at using complete destruction to their advantage. Your friends are standing around the ruins, scratching their butts and wondering what the hell to do next. You’ve already got an idea for “next,” and a kick-ass marketing plan to go with it. Just don’t forget to do the dishes.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
It’s okay to admit it, Taurus. You really did expect more from Lindsay Lohan and you’re taking it kind of personally that she’s letting her shit fall all to pieces. She won your tender little heart with that “Daddy to Daughter” video and you’ve been sending her psychic vibes of goodwill which she obviously has been ignoring. I think it’s safe to say you’re wasting a lot of energy, friend. Maybe you should light those candles for someone a little closer to you. Maybe that next door neighbor with the kid with leukemia! That’s a good cause, too. Doesn’t mean you’ll have any more ability to cure cancer than you can keep your sweet Lindsay sober, but perhaps your good vibes will be better appreciated in closer proximity.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Did you leave your credit card at the bar again? Were you busy delivering a diatribe on Orgasms for Peace, and didn’t even notice the place closing? Do you even remember being bundled into the Wino Wagon? Gemini, you should have known better than to mix ethanol with acetone. Not only did the bartender give herself a $200 tip on your tab, you’re stuck in rehab with a bunch of people who have no interest in Orgasms for Peace—they only want to bitch about their deadbeat dads. Now you’re in the starting over period, but the good news is that your friends are drastically bored without your presence and are raising money to bribe your sponsor to release you. Upon achieving your freedom, you’ll be expected to stay sober. Don’t panic. Being that the other choice is rehab with the depressing vegetables. Learn the benefits of discretion with the flask to avoid these situations down the line.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Part of the constant cycle of break-up, cry, get-over it by finding strength in self. Cancerians across the Universe have worked extremely hard to loosen the claws from our last heartbreak and found a new sense of lovely in our pretty selves! To celebrate…we fell ridiculously in love all over again! Hooray!!! Oh, wait. Turns out it’s the twin-clone-incarnate of our last romantic disaster. Friends, psychics and smart-ass astrologers around the globe are screaming, “Don’t GO there again, you stupid, pissy MORON!!!” Are we listening? Hell, no we’re not listening!!! What is a Cancer without a dramatic turn of heart every six weeks or so? Leave us ALONE, YOU JADED MOTHERF*CKERS!!!! Don’t try to fix us. We’re perfectly happy being broken.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
The Leonine creatures are looking all sexy from their birthday spa treatments. Whether this is a literal or figurative spa treatment, Leos have been using their birthdays to reevaluate and reconfirm that they are indeed, the sexiest bitches in the cosmic spectrum. Now, they’re setting half-year New Year’s Resolutions. (One of the many nice things about having a summer birthday!) In addition to setting all these new goals for making more cash, losing more weight and having more indiscriminate string-less flings, include on your list that you’re going to stop calling your ex during times of crisis. Or times of boredom. Or times of extreme drunkenness. Leos are second only to Cancers in the ways of Not Letting Old Shit Go. But Cancers gain cheap satisfaction from said action. Leo, it only confuses you.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
The Year of 2007 has been for Virgo: the Year Where The Universe Just Won’t Stop Hurling Toxic Paintballs At Their Genitals. It’s been rough for the “Virgins” so far. Fortunately, the Drama Fairy has decided to take a vacation in the latter part of the zodiac, leaving you kids alone for the time being to lick your wounds. You may even get a settlement from the accident—the flying monkeys have indicated that cash could be heading Virgo’s way. Don’t get too excited, sorry to say. The Universe is only using this to bribe you away from jumping off the planet. Drama Fairy is coming back toward the end of the week with all sorts of nasty surprises in her stinky purse. Don’t blame me, or the cauldron, and don’t set any more of my monkeys on fire. It’s not our fault you’re in a wretched period of growth and learning.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Friends of Libras haven’t heard much from them this past week. When Libra is quiet, it usually means that all is well. Or…they’ve been very VERY bad and slept with their boss’s husband or something and are hiding away in guilt. Actually, the cauldron says that nothing major is affecting our pretty Libras, but they are taking some time to contemplate all the new people, places and things that have fallen onto their scales in the past six months. This will change in about three days when Libra will have a massive revelation about something they want to do for their lover’s birthday and will need all kinds of reassurance that they’re doing the right thing. If you, friend of Libra, find your cell phone beginning to ring incessantly with a chattery Libra—be patient. They’re growing and need all of our applause.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Scorpio has had occasion for joy in the past week, although I can’t imagine what could have died that delighted them, so. Nah, it actually looks as though they’re genuinely happy in the Disney-meadow kind of way…with birds and sunshine, not because Bambi’s mother bites it. In fact, things are going to be going so well for Scorpio that they’re going to be quite relieved when the Great Cosmic Destroyer brings back chaos. Seriously, Scorpio. Don’t get too comfortable in your happy place. First of all, it’s freaking us out. Second, it’s extremely temporary. Sorry.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Sag, one of your most delightfully infuriating qualities includes you running on caffeinated Energizer batteries for six, seven, eight days or weeks at a time until you’re so exhausted you’ve blearily gotten behind the wheel (bad Sag…) and found yourself on the side of the road of a neighboring state in a town you’ve never heard of and you don’t even know how long you’ve been there. In trying to take on all the burdens around, you end up harming yourself and the rest of us spend a lot of money on your search party and medical bills. This time, we’re going to insist you pay us back in yardwork instead of beer. It’s going to take awhile to repair all the damage you did by trying to take on everything yourself. The good news is that we’re all going to love you even more in the end. You’re Sag. We can’t resist you. Don’t beat yourself up for your inane actions. Just finish mowing, please.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Old Man Blabbermouth took a visit to your life this week. Whether overhearing something while you were in the bathroom stall, or someone accidentally hit “reply-all” on an email, or whether someone just got too drunk and told you all about it—you’ve got the truth now, Capricorn. What do you plan to do with it? Fuck Disneyland, you crazy kid. Fuck also hiding in your apartment, waiting for the confrontation to find you. You’re going to need to initiate the conversation, and this is probably going to end up with you dismissing someone. It’s timely. Don’t do your Capricorn thing of expecting a specific reaction, and getting all bent out of shape when you don’t. There is no way to measure the depth of the “Oh…I fucked up…” in another person. Have faith that it’s there and do some yoga or kickboxing to healthily release the negative toxins that are sure to boil after this week. Good luck, baby!!!

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
I think your own moon is affecting you this week, sweetheart. Did I mention we’re wading through an Aquarius full moon? You’re going to feel even more detached and isolated than usual. The strange thing is that for once, your coveted solitude will get to you. Is it the Leo influence? Possibly. Very rare cases of lonely Aquarius have been known to be seen, but feeling crappy occasionally is the only way to truly appreciate the un-crappy. Consider inviting one of your empathetic and enabling buddies over, the one who’s usually trying to save you from yourself? Let them hold your hand while you cry a little. You’ll get annoyed nearly instantly and you’ll find yourself wanting that cold place of isolation again. See? The cure is often in the ailment. Don’t know why I put that in your reading, but it makes me look authoritative.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Few things sadden Sister Mary more than an upset Pisces. Pisces, the immediate world around you seems smooth and pretty, but you’ve got those little sad gremlins running around and wreaking havoc in your stride just because they’re evil bastards—not because there’s anything truly wrong going for you. You may have ridiculously impulsive moments where you want to make a phone call to someone you probably don’t need to talk to. You may want to quit your job and hitchhike to the opposite coast. You may want to throw a drink in the face of the bitch or bastard who dated your ex immediately after you, even though that too has been over for a long time. Please, please, PLEASE don’t do anything hasty that will cause permanent problems for you or anyone else. If there’s anything you feel you should do, promise yourself you’ll wait three days before doing it. If this thing has any sort of violence to it—don’t do it at all.