Sigh of moderate relief....

Like all flakey lovers, Venus is finally coming back around. She’s not FULLY back yet, but yes. She missed her complicated, dramatic and destructive relationship with planet Earth and is doing the cosmic equivalent of emailing to ask about the cat, and weaseling in a way to say I miss you and it’s so friggin’ confusing and you wonder why she just doesn’t come out and SAY she misses you instead of just saying she’s “working through things”...uh, yeah. Sister Mary is projecting and going to stop now.

Seriously, though. Venus is beginning her spectacular return which should be complete in the middle of October. Old lovers from the past begin popping out of the woodwork like cockroaches—when you see one, there are ten more stalking you on MySpace. You’re doing it to them, too. Don’t lie. Maybe the beginning of the return of the Romance Planet will distract you from the problems you’re having dealing with creativity issues and the meaning of God (both symptoms of having Uranus and Neptune in cursed Retrograde). Hope you had some fun this weekend, because both the sun and moon will be in Virgo for most of the coming week, which means OCD-level attention to spell-check at the job will be required. You may find your boss spontaneously firing all illegal alien employees, possibly even fleeing back to Saturn herself. Virgos worry, and so there is likely to be plenty of paranoia to feed it in the coming days.

It’s the week of September 9-15!!! Don’t get TOO depressed…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
How many Aries spent last week sleeping on the couch because of some do-do bird statement said to their touchy-touchy significant other? Billions, surely. This is particularly true if Aries happened to be involved with a Taurus or Pisces, both of whom spent most of last week fuming and stewing. Aries, Czar/Czarina of “I REALLY don’t want to DEAL with this SH*T right now…” is going to have to drop the pissy ego and go talk to the other person. I guarantee, they’re already checking out your brother because you were an inconsiderate wiener. Kid brother “understands so much better.” Plan on the rift taking awhile to heal, because it will. Be patient or go away.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
No one is going to appreciate the return of Venus more than poor little Taurus, who lamented its loss like a cheerleader stood up at the prom. Things of a romantic nature will perk up for Taurus this week—much to the delight of many an AstrologyExplained Taurean reader, who have been requesting Hot Date readings for awhile. While your date may not be hot, your date will definitely be sweet and probably buy you presents. If you’re partnered, said partner will not completely abandon the super-annoying things you’ve been hoping they would, but they’ll be making a better effort to do the dishes and stop peeing on the seat. Changes take time, particularly pretty, happy changes. Be patient and call your local Aries. They’ll sympathize.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Welcome to Wild and Wacky Gemini Week, where your already imbalanced serotonin levels will reincarnate into a brand new Six Flags Ride that will leave everyone around you either whiplashed or nauseous. Hold off on all trips to the DMV as it’s definitely a good time to avoid assholes. That includes your socially inept but usually tolerable drinking buddies. Some major personal issues need to be addressed and for you, Gemini, it looks to be a work-related conundrum. Use this Virgo-Virgo thing to your advantage. You could use the focus (duh) and more people will be open to listen to you yammer.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you, Cancer, are reading this, then you survived the turmoil of last week. We, the sentimental critters, felt Venus’s loss and slow, creepy return almost as strongly as our Taurus brothers and sisters. The major issue of this week will be to understand that we’re emotionally exhausted and not so capable of dealing with insensitive comments said in our general direction. We’re not only going to have to avoid assholes, we’re actually going to have to dump/fire/stab them. Crabs, who would rather loose an arm than release the claw, suck at this. We’ve got to learn that repeating mistakes doesn’t make up for it. It leads to additional therapist bills and alcohol poisoning.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
Wow. I loathe seeing an unhappy Leo, but something at the end of last week has caused our Leos to trip over their lower lips through even the coolest parties all weekend! It doesn’t look like it was anything too devastating. The other kittens at the party wanted to rusty old Spin the Bottle, while you were purring and ready to play Extreme Strip Poker. Do you understand that not everyone looks as good in a split-crotch tanga as you do? Forcing them to expose their moth eaten Granny-Panties simply turns you into a bully, and no one likes that. You’re not as likely to see as many super cool opportunities in the coming days as you’d like, but take heart. I feel an invitation to take a burlesque class coming your sweet way.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Perhaps you had a milestone birthday this year, and your gift from the Universe was the keys to Its primordial secrets. Not likely, but if so, please send Sister Mary a copy of the soon-to-be-best-seller about it, with a naked picture of you attached. Even if the Universe did grant you such a gift, do you actually think you’re going to have any more luck than thousands of modern scientists in overturning Creationist notions? Your truth about the Big Bang being in actuality a Big Ink Fart from a Cosmic Octopus will impress upon few. Whatever juicy tid-bit you discovered, keep it to yourself and ponder it at this time. You, Virgo, are excellent at this pondering thing, but not always so good at keeping stuff in. Work on keeping your mouth shut. You’ll find it easier to obsess.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Well, we’ve unfortunately hit a rough patch for the Libras of the Universe. Some kind of something had to be left behind on this stage of their cosmic journey. Take heart. The company blocking Gmail means you’re less likely to piss someone off by putting in your significant other’s chat window what should have belonged in your extra-lover’s. Oopsie! And your significant other happens to be your boss? You could be dodging a giant bullet, Libra. You’ll need lots of eye-batting to keep that job and piece of ass. You won’t get enormous amounts of sympathy for this loss, as your constantly breaking through your friends’ BUSY sign was getting on their nerves. Use your slacking on the job time for more productive purposes, such as researching the things mean nasty Walmart is up to now. It’ll make you sound smarter at the coffee house, too.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
I think you should call a discussion group for Aries, Geminis and Scorpios to sit around and discuss communication issues. But call me first and let me know where it is so I can be FAR, FAR AWAY. That’s a scary combination, there. Scorpio, you too are missing cues and mistakenly thinking everyone around you is speaking Ancient Greek. Take the time to stop and ask for clarification. Avoid your trait of maneuvering what you don’t like hearing into something you’d rather hear, i.e.: “You’re saying you want me to untie you, but what I’m hearing is you want me to call your sister and have her come over, too…” This will get you nowhere and re-establish your already creepy vibe. Listen to what others are saying, and don’t respond to any of it. Go meditate and write some inane private blog about it. Others will appreciate and deep down, you do so want to please.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Wrapped in the arms of LOVE this week, it looks like! Wait. Still don’t have our Love Planet back. Well, Sag can still be wrapped in the arms of what looks like Love, but is actually Love’s morbid twin, Suck—who has razor blades for arms. (No, I wasn’t a gothic teen, but I sat next to plenty in English class) Sag has hurt feelings this week, and it looks like something their partner, lover or crush object did. Sag, everyone forgets that you have feelings. It’s sad and mean, but it’s true. You’re just so damn happy most of the time! You need to speak up about your wounds and ask for a lot of flowers, liquor and ice cream to make up for it. You’re certainly worth it. Was this an Aries? Ask for even more. Those kids got into serious trouble last week…

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Oh, what? You’re jealous that Sag is getting all the attention so you want to have a pity party, too? Sorry, Capricorn, I don’t mean to sound insensitive, but your latest drama just doesn’t have enough draw. You’re tapping your cloven foot in the corner, waiting for your turn to get attention. That’s only going to make people less likely to buy you beer. I think you had a very similar reading last week. If you’re making me repeat myself, I’m totally coming after you with the biggest ruler in the whole, wide world and you won’t find it kinky. No, not even a little.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Your happy streak last week will stay with you at least until Wednesday! It would be so great if we could all learn something from your bunny-sunshine attitude, but it looks as though we’re all more likely to be gigantic jizz-sickles to you, instead. We’re jealous. End of story. You’ll probably find yourself dancing all alone in the club, because we all got sick of watching you catch all the sexy barflies. If you find yourself dancing alone in the street, we left because people think you’re weird. If you’re dancing alone on the roof, come down. You are disallowed further trips to the ER, Death-Wish-Water-Bearer. Enjoy this time alone, play and/or entertain yourself before Mama Chaos returns.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Another spiritual/philosophical/conspiratorial revelation, Pisces? You plan on embracing this one, or ignoring it again? You are only allowed a certain number of enlightened moments. Pisces tend to get more than most of the signs, but often lack the Get-Off-The-Couch-ity to put them into a sort of practice that will benefit the world. You’d better act on it this time, because The Great Bringer of Suck has Her wandering eye on you. That dream about flying monkeys breaking through your windows and soaring off with your peanut butter and pickles may be a sign to finally get some security gates in place. Sister Mary will hold no sympathy for you should you ignore your premonitions.