Ah, it is with rather great sadness and woe that we bid goodbye to the warm days of summer, and hello to rain, chilly winds and the beginning of Fall. Mother Superior has decreed that all members of the Convent of Sensual Salvation begin strict diets of beets, elderberries and milk-thistle tea to repair the damage we did to our Holy livers throughout the summer. I sip as I type…
But the arrival of Autumn provides plenty of time for cuddles and snuggles and pumpkin-spice lattes—along with the births of our sign of balance, serial monogamy and impulsive purchases which tap their credit limit, Libra!
Libra will have to do something out of the norm and be patient for seven days. Sister Mary will return next week with their overtly-detailed description. Meanwhile, she would like to say:
Happy Anniversary!!!!
To The Parents of Sister Mary Manhattan who are celebrating 29 years of marital bliss this very 23rd of September.
LOVE YOU MUMSY AND POPS!!!
Keep up the good work.
xoxoxo
‘Tis the week of Sept. 23-29! With a Libra Sun and an oncoming Pisces moon, it’s feelings, feelings, stupid friggin’ feelings…’
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Yes, Aries, you were right about something. Whether this involved the tenuous handling of diplomatic relations with Syria or the tenuous handling of office paper storage, no one listened to you. Therefore, you sat with arms-folded in the corner, watching the moron monkeys Do It All Wrong. Now that you’ve ordered the forklift to remove the pile of reams currently pinning your co-worker to the storage closet floor, people are sheepishly admitting that you actually did know what you were talking about. Take this opportunity to overthrow a government or take down the corporation or something. Just be prepared that your new role as Aries Dictator will mean more moronic monkeys to stop from screwing up more diplomatic relations and office supply storage. Plus, being in charge means evil genius-monkeys will try to challenge your authority. You know how you hate that. Says Aries, “They should just know I’m way smarter...” They don’t. Sleep with one eye open and keep your stapler where you can see it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Focus, fusion and follow-through!” God, Taurus hates their company’s Motivational Speaker Day. Most of all, they’re pissed that the chocolate donuts all got eaten before they arrived. Taurus, when you procrastinate, you miss the pastry of your choice. Write that down and meditate on it twice a day this week. Also, instead of stewing on missing out on donuts, actually listen to that corny nut onstage. Get the work done, whether it’s at the job, at your not-quite-yet-lucrative hobby, or with your significant other. You’ve got all the plans to bring the spark back, now go buy the lube. Your home planet is finally getting her lard-ass back in town, so you should have plenty of opportunities to fix the romance spectrum. If you don’t have a cute & cuddly waiting for you at home, don’t expect them to show up at your door with the pizza guy. Flirting with strangers will be necessary. Unless it’s the pizza guy you want. Then, you need to work on the art of pizza guy seduction. It’s quite handy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Unlike most signs, experienced a romantic vacuum during the Retrograde, many Geminis fell hopelessly in love at some point over the summer. They either a.) joyously got that love in return b.) had their hearts brutally shredded or c.) never came home from Burning Man. In any case, Venus’s return is affecting Gemini more like Mom than a Lover, appalled at the mess the Twins made in her absence. Time to a.) admit your lover is a real person and start acknowledging where the dreaded “compromise” needs to happen b.) admit that your ex-lover was not a real person but a heart-eating demon whose name should NEVER be mentioned again lest the demon be summoned—particularly to your friends who (I promise) are sick of hearing about it c.) let the trip wear off and admit that the Art City is gone and the desert is cold at night. Hitchhike back to civilization and hope you still have a job. This next chapter for you, Gemini, is all about letting things go. Choose one of the above and get to work.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It often would make more sense if the Gods had given Venus to us as a planet—although having the Moon is awesome because we don’t have to share it with any other signs! Cancers spent the majority of their lives obsessing over loved ones—usually romantic. As we learned in Cancer Cosmology 101, if a Cancer does not have an object of affection in their immediate vicinity, they’re combing through their old diaries to find a lost one to obsess about. Unfortunately, Venus did not bring new Soul Mates to Cancers as souvenirs from her Retrograde journey—nor did she bring sudden bursts of Gio Casanova tendencies to Cancers’ current mates. It’s going to look as though everyone besides Cancer is getting laid and getting flowers. We should take this time to learn to knit so that we can make warm fuzzy lingerie for Christmas, in case Santa decides to stick a sweetie in our stockings. Sister Mary’s gambling on that. ;)
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has not had an easy road with matters of the heart this season. Our Lions will stand next to our Lonely Crabs this fall, getting skipped over while Venus is doling out romance. Leo, consider shacking up with your Cancerian ex. They may not have you, or they may bring up sixty-nine things in the past you did to piss them off, but they might just cuddle with you for an evening, which could ease some of the hurt. Watch how much you wallow, watch how many people you ask to lick your wounds. Your wounds nasty and we won’t be putting our tongues there—trust us. Some sulking is good, but watch how many times you play Little Earthquakes. Stick with Tom Waits instead. He’ll appropriately commiserate and annoy your roommate far less than Tori.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…it looks as though Venus is bringing a new love to the Virgins when she comes back! It’s about time you had someone assist you in your enabling endeavors. Virgo, this person is just as likely to be a platonic friend as a romantic partner—or perhaps your current significant other is finally going to start being nice to you. Don’t be afraid to actually get excited about this development, for crying out loud! Sister Mary can hear the Virgo lament, “Yeah, (insert name) is awesome and even likes anal…but my boss is being such an ass…” CHRIST. Get over your woes and focus on the yummy things around you! Just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you’ve died and gone to Fake Heaven. Enjoy your gifts or someone else will happily enjoy them for you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hey, your home planet is coming back, too! And it’s your birthday??? Careful not to overextend yourself expecting everything to go exactly as you planned. The full moon in Pisces coming this week is going to make you even more sensitive than usual. It’s good because you’ll be more attune to what’s going on with people you care about—particularly what they’re not saying—but bad because you’re more likely to take the stupid things they say personally. Watch your money this week, trust that your peops will take care of your birthday celebration and you don’t have to hire the stripper yourself. Even though it’s your time to be the star, you may notice that you’ll be called to do the Balancing Act, again, with those around you who are out of whack. Darlin’, that’s just the way it goes, sometimes…
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You freaky nut, stewing in your toxic emotions will cause ulcers. In a classic Scorpio move, someone stepped all over Scorpio’s claws and they retreated under their rocks to devise a proper response. Contrary to popular belief, Scorpio knows the power of their venom and how mean they can be when crossed—which is the main reason for the sudden retreat. They do it for the good of humanity. Make sure, Scorpio, you are using your retreat time for cooling off, not developing more pissiness. Eventually you will need to leave the house for toilet paper and cat food. You may even run across the barista whose rude service sent you into flight. Avoid the urge to push said barista into traffic. If you must, do a better job than last time of making it look like an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Looks as though Sagittarius is still reeling from the injuries they suffered during Venus’s vacation. But now that you’re somewhat on the mend, Sister Mary needs to deliver some annoying news: YOU WERE WARNED AND YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. Your friends had written on every wall of your house, “Your Lover Is A Jizz Licker” and you just kept bopping and boinking along. Naughty Sag. Guess what? It looks as though whoever was mean to you is going to make a startling return. Why? Hon, you’re simply more fun than everyone else on Match.com and stupid person simply didn’t realize it. Do not be tempted to make the same mistake again. If all Venus can do is bring you a double-dip, tell her to move along please, whore…nothing changes that quickly.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
While Venus may not have brought you a person to love and cherish, she brought Capricorn other fabulousness to celebrate. This past year has been one of extreme hard work and a lot of own-hair-pulling for the sign known for big dreams and impossible standards. This week, Capricorn will finally see a return for all of their extra hours and massive schmoozing. While many around you will lament the return of things they worked extremely hard to send away, you’re going to be smothering yourself in opportunity, recognition and hopefully cash. Go ahead, brag. You deserve it. But don’t drink too much blueberry vodka at your Self-Serving bash. First of all, you may have a Scorpio try to poison you. Second, your rewards are going to call for many more early mornings. Avoid hangovers at all cost.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This week, Aquarius, you’re going to be summoned by Middle Earth to get the hell off that Eagle King and deal with all the crap going on down here. While you were out seeking higher perspective, Chaos crept in and took up residency on your couch. If you’re confused as to how to remove the unwelcome entity, consider taking advice from the bumbling wino on the subway. Most people would run away because that guy often stinks something supremely horrid, but your recent exploration of lofty realms taught you that the craziest, strangest places often have the simplest answers—once you can break down the mumbles into something coherent. It looks as though ruptures in relationships will be part of this Chaos. It may not affect you, flighty Aquarius, more than a day or two. But be sensitive as it may be affecting those you care about quite deeply. Watch how often you change the subject. Someone may need to you listen.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
So, your own moon is taking up space in the Land of Balance (Libra Sun). Thank Goddess. It’s about time. Pisces, you’ve been nagged all year about managing stress and murdering those around you who create it. The Universe is tired of telling you to do it, and is going to go do it for you. But just this once, and don’t you dare screw it up. You’ll find that the middle of this week will bring clarity of sight and intention of what to do with the plethora of dead bodies. Gee, you had no idea so many people were irritating you! Of course, Pisces who doesn’t adjust well to new environments may not take well to this new “peaceful, warm and fuzzy” disposition surrounding them and decide to surround themselves with carbon copies of the assholes God just removed. This will piss Her off. Greatly. Don’t piss off God. That’s your only assignment this week.
But the arrival of Autumn provides plenty of time for cuddles and snuggles and pumpkin-spice lattes—along with the births of our sign of balance, serial monogamy and impulsive purchases which tap their credit limit, Libra!
Libra will have to do something out of the norm and be patient for seven days. Sister Mary will return next week with their overtly-detailed description. Meanwhile, she would like to say:
Happy Anniversary!!!!
To The Parents of Sister Mary Manhattan who are celebrating 29 years of marital bliss this very 23rd of September.
LOVE YOU MUMSY AND POPS!!!
Keep up the good work.
xoxoxo
‘Tis the week of Sept. 23-29! With a Libra Sun and an oncoming Pisces moon, it’s feelings, feelings, stupid friggin’ feelings…’
Aries (March 21-April 19)
Yes, Aries, you were right about something. Whether this involved the tenuous handling of diplomatic relations with Syria or the tenuous handling of office paper storage, no one listened to you. Therefore, you sat with arms-folded in the corner, watching the moron monkeys Do It All Wrong. Now that you’ve ordered the forklift to remove the pile of reams currently pinning your co-worker to the storage closet floor, people are sheepishly admitting that you actually did know what you were talking about. Take this opportunity to overthrow a government or take down the corporation or something. Just be prepared that your new role as Aries Dictator will mean more moronic monkeys to stop from screwing up more diplomatic relations and office supply storage. Plus, being in charge means evil genius-monkeys will try to challenge your authority. You know how you hate that. Says Aries, “They should just know I’m way smarter...” They don’t. Sleep with one eye open and keep your stapler where you can see it.
Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“Focus, fusion and follow-through!” God, Taurus hates their company’s Motivational Speaker Day. Most of all, they’re pissed that the chocolate donuts all got eaten before they arrived. Taurus, when you procrastinate, you miss the pastry of your choice. Write that down and meditate on it twice a day this week. Also, instead of stewing on missing out on donuts, actually listen to that corny nut onstage. Get the work done, whether it’s at the job, at your not-quite-yet-lucrative hobby, or with your significant other. You’ve got all the plans to bring the spark back, now go buy the lube. Your home planet is finally getting her lard-ass back in town, so you should have plenty of opportunities to fix the romance spectrum. If you don’t have a cute & cuddly waiting for you at home, don’t expect them to show up at your door with the pizza guy. Flirting with strangers will be necessary. Unless it’s the pizza guy you want. Then, you need to work on the art of pizza guy seduction. It’s quite handy.
Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Unlike most signs, experienced a romantic vacuum during the Retrograde, many Geminis fell hopelessly in love at some point over the summer. They either a.) joyously got that love in return b.) had their hearts brutally shredded or c.) never came home from Burning Man. In any case, Venus’s return is affecting Gemini more like Mom than a Lover, appalled at the mess the Twins made in her absence. Time to a.) admit your lover is a real person and start acknowledging where the dreaded “compromise” needs to happen b.) admit that your ex-lover was not a real person but a heart-eating demon whose name should NEVER be mentioned again lest the demon be summoned—particularly to your friends who (I promise) are sick of hearing about it c.) let the trip wear off and admit that the Art City is gone and the desert is cold at night. Hitchhike back to civilization and hope you still have a job. This next chapter for you, Gemini, is all about letting things go. Choose one of the above and get to work.
Cancer (June 21-July 22)
It often would make more sense if the Gods had given Venus to us as a planet—although having the Moon is awesome because we don’t have to share it with any other signs! Cancers spent the majority of their lives obsessing over loved ones—usually romantic. As we learned in Cancer Cosmology 101, if a Cancer does not have an object of affection in their immediate vicinity, they’re combing through their old diaries to find a lost one to obsess about. Unfortunately, Venus did not bring new Soul Mates to Cancers as souvenirs from her Retrograde journey—nor did she bring sudden bursts of Gio Casanova tendencies to Cancers’ current mates. It’s going to look as though everyone besides Cancer is getting laid and getting flowers. We should take this time to learn to knit so that we can make warm fuzzy lingerie for Christmas, in case Santa decides to stick a sweetie in our stockings. Sister Mary’s gambling on that. ;)
Leo (July 23-August 22)
Leo has not had an easy road with matters of the heart this season. Our Lions will stand next to our Lonely Crabs this fall, getting skipped over while Venus is doling out romance. Leo, consider shacking up with your Cancerian ex. They may not have you, or they may bring up sixty-nine things in the past you did to piss them off, but they might just cuddle with you for an evening, which could ease some of the hurt. Watch how much you wallow, watch how many people you ask to lick your wounds. Your wounds nasty and we won’t be putting our tongues there—trust us. Some sulking is good, but watch how many times you play Little Earthquakes. Stick with Tom Waits instead. He’ll appropriately commiserate and annoy your roommate far less than Tori.
Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Hmm…it looks as though Venus is bringing a new love to the Virgins when she comes back! It’s about time you had someone assist you in your enabling endeavors. Virgo, this person is just as likely to be a platonic friend as a romantic partner—or perhaps your current significant other is finally going to start being nice to you. Don’t be afraid to actually get excited about this development, for crying out loud! Sister Mary can hear the Virgo lament, “Yeah, (insert name) is awesome and even likes anal…but my boss is being such an ass…” CHRIST. Get over your woes and focus on the yummy things around you! Just because you’re happy doesn’t mean you’ve died and gone to Fake Heaven. Enjoy your gifts or someone else will happily enjoy them for you.
Libra (September 23-October 22)
Hey, your home planet is coming back, too! And it’s your birthday??? Careful not to overextend yourself expecting everything to go exactly as you planned. The full moon in Pisces coming this week is going to make you even more sensitive than usual. It’s good because you’ll be more attune to what’s going on with people you care about—particularly what they’re not saying—but bad because you’re more likely to take the stupid things they say personally. Watch your money this week, trust that your peops will take care of your birthday celebration and you don’t have to hire the stripper yourself. Even though it’s your time to be the star, you may notice that you’ll be called to do the Balancing Act, again, with those around you who are out of whack. Darlin’, that’s just the way it goes, sometimes…
Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
You freaky nut, stewing in your toxic emotions will cause ulcers. In a classic Scorpio move, someone stepped all over Scorpio’s claws and they retreated under their rocks to devise a proper response. Contrary to popular belief, Scorpio knows the power of their venom and how mean they can be when crossed—which is the main reason for the sudden retreat. They do it for the good of humanity. Make sure, Scorpio, you are using your retreat time for cooling off, not developing more pissiness. Eventually you will need to leave the house for toilet paper and cat food. You may even run across the barista whose rude service sent you into flight. Avoid the urge to push said barista into traffic. If you must, do a better job than last time of making it look like an accident.
Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Looks as though Sagittarius is still reeling from the injuries they suffered during Venus’s vacation. But now that you’re somewhat on the mend, Sister Mary needs to deliver some annoying news: YOU WERE WARNED AND YOU DIDN’T LISTEN. Your friends had written on every wall of your house, “Your Lover Is A Jizz Licker” and you just kept bopping and boinking along. Naughty Sag. Guess what? It looks as though whoever was mean to you is going to make a startling return. Why? Hon, you’re simply more fun than everyone else on Match.com and stupid person simply didn’t realize it. Do not be tempted to make the same mistake again. If all Venus can do is bring you a double-dip, tell her to move along please, whore…nothing changes that quickly.
Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
While Venus may not have brought you a person to love and cherish, she brought Capricorn other fabulousness to celebrate. This past year has been one of extreme hard work and a lot of own-hair-pulling for the sign known for big dreams and impossible standards. This week, Capricorn will finally see a return for all of their extra hours and massive schmoozing. While many around you will lament the return of things they worked extremely hard to send away, you’re going to be smothering yourself in opportunity, recognition and hopefully cash. Go ahead, brag. You deserve it. But don’t drink too much blueberry vodka at your Self-Serving bash. First of all, you may have a Scorpio try to poison you. Second, your rewards are going to call for many more early mornings. Avoid hangovers at all cost.
Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
This week, Aquarius, you’re going to be summoned by Middle Earth to get the hell off that Eagle King and deal with all the crap going on down here. While you were out seeking higher perspective, Chaos crept in and took up residency on your couch. If you’re confused as to how to remove the unwelcome entity, consider taking advice from the bumbling wino on the subway. Most people would run away because that guy often stinks something supremely horrid, but your recent exploration of lofty realms taught you that the craziest, strangest places often have the simplest answers—once you can break down the mumbles into something coherent. It looks as though ruptures in relationships will be part of this Chaos. It may not affect you, flighty Aquarius, more than a day or two. But be sensitive as it may be affecting those you care about quite deeply. Watch how often you change the subject. Someone may need to you listen.
Pisces (February 20-March 20)
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