Take your Mantra and Call in the Morning

Rather calm sky these days, Sister Mary is pleased to report. However, Neptune and Uranus are still in cursed Retrograde, which means your questions about God will remain unanswered for the time being and your novel, unfinished.

Yes, even Sister Mary discovered her philosophical questions will likely go unheeded this week. In fact, this evening she went down the street to the local Blockbuster only to find that they no longer carry “Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life.” Further proof to add to her petition to Mother Superior for a Netflix subscription for the Convent.

Never fear, Great Sinners! When you are down, and troubled and need a groping hand, let Sister Mary assist you in your groping for light in a time of darkness, confusion and Clearwater drizzle eroding your natural creative juices through the air waves! Your Horrorscopes this week will describe the biggest philosophical battles you and your zodiac kin are currently facing as well as mantras to help you steer through!

‘Tis the week of Sept. 16-22! Read, listen and know thyself well…’

Aries (March 21-April 19)
“God hates me and therefore shits on me all the friggin’ time. Therefore, I hate God and shall go shit on Him. Where is that Holy Bastard?”
Ah, yes, Aries the great martyr of the sky. Many signs enjoy playing their own cranky violin—but no one believes in their right to bitch more than an Aries. Often, Aries is so angry from the piano recently dropped upon his/her head, they can’t see through the red to notice that second piano close to dropping as well. What Aries would learn from realizing that the Holy Bastard exists in all of us—including you! Seek the Holy Bastard within yourself—for there you shall find the correct place to shit.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
“ I wanna be a Toys R’ Us kid for evah and evah and evah.”
Ah, yes…but do you recall the days when Mom had to grant you permission to do friggin’ everything? Of course not, you’re Taurus. You charmed your way out of having to wipe your own booty. However, grown-up world comes to us all. At least, those of us without trust funds. The Great Taurus Mantra can be as such: “When I go to work, I make money. When I make money, I buy pretty things. Pretty things=good. Good things=Happy Me.” Many a Taurus out there will scoff, for many a Taurus works quite hard for the money. But Taurus, do you not secretly pout and wish for the days of cradle and rattle? Say goodbye to the old, little one. Get to work on time today.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
“I panic in the stillness, therefore, I press through.”
…and when you press through the guard rail or police line, your head shall crack somehow. Rapid, over-caffeinated, ADD Gemini seeks for something new everyday. New ideas, new friends, new walls with which to collide. You see, Gemini, you’re not always missing out on all the fun if you stay home two nights a week. Gemini would do well to repeat, If I anticipate stupidity, I shall avoid concussions. Quite esoteric, yes. But deftly true.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
“I cry, I cry, for without tears, I die…”
The sad news is that crying to get what we want or what we want to get out of, is so early 20th century romance novel it causes Sister Mary to cringe. So effective, too! And economical to boot! The truth is that many of we Cancers merely get our way because others are tired of our whining and just give it to us. Those victories have the same spiritual nutrition as a Weight Watchers microwave dinner, served lukewarm. Fellow Cancers, learn the meaning of grace and bat your sacred eyelashes in the direction of your desires. Flirting generates better Karma than whining.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
“I shall leap rivers and knock down walls, for that is the test of true love.”
And the quickest way to ER or jail! Leo wants to understand why they end up with so many injuries on a regular basis. Ah, love causes them to do such crazy f-d up things. Leo must learn patience and the virtue of a phone call or email instead of stretching out naked on the threshold of their desire which is, first of all, stalker material and second, quite chilly now that we’re nearing the fall months. If Leo does not achieve that which Leo so desperately desires, Leo would do well to meditate on “It’s not me, it’s them.” For it is silly to take it all so damn personally.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
“Save me from myself, so that I shall be free from having to deal with me.”
Oh, Virgo. That’s silly. No one can save you from yourself. If it’s any consolation to you, you’re far beyond help! So stop looking for redemption in other humans just as jaded and flawed as yourself. Now that you’ve received this news, you are free to go feel sorry for yourself—but only for a moment or two. Then come back and play with us because someone needs to be the logical one and it sure as hell ain’t gonna be Sister Mary. Be patient with us, now that you know we can’t save you. With your new knowledge, your mantra ought to be, “I shall forgive the moronic ones, for they know not how they annoy the crap out of me.”

Libra (September 23-October 22)
“Let’s go. NOW.”
Libran magicians have spent eons in their towers trying to pull the forces of the future into the present, and only ended up with funky smelling gas. There is no way to speed up the arrival of the things you want, short of speeding up the spin of the planet—which might just cause us all to fall off. Besides, why do you need to go barreling into the yet to come when there is so much delicious chaos surrounding you now? Go out and cause trouble. That shall keep you rooted in the present. Here’s your new mantra: “Sparkle! Pretty! Mine! Mine! Mine!”

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
“I think, therefore, I think I need to nail things.”
Yes, Scorpio, while you may be ruled by the great Cock in the Sky, it doesn’t mean your life’s purpose is to run around and try to stick it in things. It’s not safe, in this disease ridden era. Plus, it makes you look slutty in a bad sort of way. Perhaps your need to screw is being confused with a need to create—art or commerce, not necessarily offspring. But despite how magically delicious you may be, you’re not necessarily able to fart out your desires on a first go round. Things take a long time to come to fruition. A good thing to chant when you start to lose it would be, “The time it takes to grow a tree, is not the planet conspiring against me.” Plenty of other things are conspiring against you, Scorpio. Just not foliage.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
“If I can do nothing about it, I shall run it over with my car.”
And it will go splat, splooge and smell pretty icky when the sun finds it! Oh, Sag. So much useful energy wasted on the Can’t Do Shit About It. Short of mass extinction, there is little Sag can do to be rid of all the people and things that get under their sensitive skin. The best course of action would be to simply gag all the people who annoy you—although there probably isn’t that much leather in the world. This is why God invented the IPod. Sag should repeat, “I shall plug my ears against that which sucks.” Keep your eyes and ears open to injustice, but close them to bullshit. That’s the key to an ulcerless-Sag.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
“It’s all about me, isn’t it? Why the f*ck not???”
Capricorn laments all that did not go their way, through all stages of their life. They can probably remember losing out on the lead in the Hanukkah Pageant at eight years old. Denying the Capricorn what they want is the gravest of betrayals. Sort of. In their mind, anyway. The big secret is that the rest of us aren’t paying attention!!! Here, Capricorn. Something else for you chew on for awhile: “I shall get over it, and then I shall get over it.” Liberating! Innovative! Thank the Goddess someone finally told you….

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
“What?”
Over here, Water Bearer! Over here! That’s right, it’s your turn! Life would be so much easier if we all were the light footed creatures Aquarians are. Although we’d quickly run out of civilization. We’d be running around barefoot and eating alley cats—and having a stupendous time of it—but then we’d get cold and wonder what happened to central heating. Aquarians reading this have likely already wandered away from the computer. If you’re involved with an Aquarius and want to help them out, here’s what you do: Tie them to a chair and force them to look at the news. They ought to know what’s going on. “Pay attention. Something cool will happen.” The cool part isn’t a guarantee, but it will keep them interested for a moment.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
“I ain’t got nothin’.”
Oh, that’s such a lie and you know it. Melancholy Pisces likes to dip deep in that nasty well of “Woe is I…stuff so sucks!” They come out smelling like mildew and old man pee and say, “What? I feel no pain.” (They’re lousy liars.) Cheer up, Pisces! Most of you reading this live in the richest country in the world! True, matters of the heart often weigh the heaviest and Pisces carries one heavy heart through most of their life. But you’re also full of deep wisdom and insight that everyone needs to hear, even if they bitch about it. Pisces ought to say, “All right, at least I got somethin’.” That’s closer to reality.