A Conversation with a Scorpio...

Below please find a recent conversation between Sister Mary Manhattan and a Scorpio Male:

Scorpio: Wanna hear something insane? I’ve recently thought about becoming an RN.

SMM: Hmmm….where did that come from?

Scorpio: I dreamt I was a doctor. Anyway, I’m slowly shaking that feeling.

SMM: Why shake it?

Scorpio: Because it’s sort of messed up. Imagine you’ve accidentally cut yourself badly, or you were in a serious but non-life threatening accident. And you go to the hospital, scared. And I’m your nurse. Would you trust me with a needle? Or a tongue depressor?

SMM: Are you talking me me, or the General Population Me?

Scorpio: Both

SMM:
General Population Me: yes. As a Scorpio, you come across as calm, collected, in control and knowing more than everyone else. Plus, Scorpios generally want well-being for the general world. They’d like to be in charge of it, though. And they’re usually quite good at it. While their tactics may make us nervous, the General Population trusts your authority. Me me: HELL NO. We have a sordid romantic past which ended with five years of icy silence. As friendly as we are now, I would enter the ER, see your face and panic, knowing your Scorpio tendency to wreak revenge over a deep-seated resentment is quite close to the surface and I wouldn’t let you near me with that f*cking needle.

Scorpio: “Oops, looks like I injected you with Morphine! Nighty night!”

Yes, children. As the days grow shorter and colder, so enters our most simultaneously loved and loathed sign, SCORPIO!

Many a Scorpio has accused Sister Mary of being unduly cruel and vicious to Scorpio in her readings. First of all, please remember that Sister Mary is cruel to all signs. Scorpio only thinks they’re getting the shaft because they’re bunch of paranoid loons, often too focused on what’s “going on with them” to remember that other signs exist.

Ah, well. We all have those tendencies.

Two of the great things Scorpio gave the planet include intensely hot sex and calm, cool revenge. Don’t scoff and think your sign invented the former. We have to give them credit for something and Scorpio’s sign does rule the genitals. And don’t pretend to be appalled by calm, cool revenge. If you had the cash to bribe Mammy Superior into cursing your most loathed ex with a nasty STD, you’d do it. Better yet, go bribe a Scorpio to do it. Your local Scorpio is guaranteed to have a secret library full of occult books and has already highlighted at least seven recipes to suit your needs.

Remember how you were warned not to forget Libra’s birthday? The same holds true for Scorpio. However, you’re not going to have the luck you had of being reminded consistently for a month prior to the date that it’s coming. In fact, they may resort as to burying all personal information with their birth date attached and enjoy watching you hound their relatives for a clue about it. They’ll pretend they don’t care, but very much want to have their five closest friends arrive (they keep their intimate numbers small) with wine and fancy delicacies to watch a highly intellectual film of some sort—probably something with a dirty, yet tasteful, flavor to it.

Mistake it not, your Scorpio likes to party. But they also like to get away from it all, and make it very clear who is on their short list of acceptable people to let into the house.

In the nature of things being meticulous, organized, focused and All About Scorpio…read the following list of instructions should you ever find a Scorpio in your social circle or household.

Things you should do around a Scorpio:

-Tell them they’re awesome, but not if it’s coming out of your ass. They’ll know. Scorpios come across as quite secure of themselves, but like reassurance, and don’t like to be lied to.

-Ask their advice. They like to help. Be prepared for rather cryptic advice that may only make sense on your next shroom trip. At least it’s in there.

-Tell them about your sexcapades. Even if you’re dating them, they’ll want to hear all about what you did before you met them. Give them every sexy, steamy, sticky detail.

-Bring them small, homemade gifts—particularly if it has a secret meaning only the two of you will know. It will create a glow in their beady little eyes.

-If you work with a Scorpio, partner with them. They’re planning to run the company first, then the world, and they’ll give you lots of money, land and servants if you help them achieve what they’re looking for. So long as it doesn’t conflict with their agenda, they will be consistently supportive of yours.

-Sleep with them. They go all night and they’re extremely attentive to what makes you happy. It strokes their ego to get you off, so everybody wins!!!

Things you should NEVER do to a Scorpio:

-Make them jealous. They’re already jealous. They’re naturally jealous creatures. They’ll plot your death.

-Touch their IPod. In fact, don’t touch any of their shit, but DEFINITELY not the IPod. Scorpios love technology, first of all, and probably went into debt getting a bootleg version of their current IPod, one yet to be released to the public. Second, their IPod has a meticulous arrangement of songs that suit each moment of the oncoming day and if you mess up 11:14 a.m. Coffee Break Interlude, it will throw them out of alignment/attunement. They’ll plot your death.

-Even REMOTELY allude to the possibility that you’ve ever, ever, EVER had sex that was even in the same universe as good as what you had with Scorpio. Even if that’s a lie, don’t tell them that. They’re very sensitive. Even though they say it’s okay, they’ll be quite sad and later, they’ll plot your death.

-Touch their significant other without their expressed, written consent. A handshake may require a visa. If you do such a thing, particularly if you sleep with their significant other without this expressed, written consent, the Scorpio may feign forgiveness and simulate understanding, but you can be assured that they will plot your death.

-Cheat on them without their expressed, written consent. They may very well deliver their consent—they get kinky that way. They may even want to select the person with whom you stray. Expect to be asked to deliver a full report with specific details. But if straying is a no-no with your Scorpio, or if you pick someone your Scorpio disapproves of, leave the continent. They will plot your death.

-Tell any Scorpio what Sister Mary is about to tell you: they are beautiful, sexy creatures with more depth and wisdom than most of the rest of us have. Their crazy minds are too big to fit on this tiny planet which is why the rest of us can’t figure them out worth a crap. If you tell any Scorpio what you’ve just read, Sister Mary will plot your death.

Happy birthday to Anasua, Larissa, Maggie, Margaret Dodge, Heather, Misha, Velocity, Oliver and Mr. Ross!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Sister Mary does like you and some of you, very much so! Don’t tell anyone.

Welcome to the week of November 11-17!!! As the days get shorter, it leaves more time for cuddling your favorite alignment by the radiator…

Aries (March 21-April 19)
With your home planet still kicking it in Cancer—and the fact that this season has provided one randy debacle after another—Aries kids can be found curled up in front of the television with their shmoopy, if they’ve got one, or just their blankie, if they don’t. Aries, now is a good time to hide from the crazy world out there—especially since it’s cold now and you can’t go backless to the club. Why go out, if you can’t do that? Aries is going through a change right now, and if you got through puberty and you’re pretty sure the hot flashes are due to crappy steam heat, it’s probably some kind of personal thing your therapist has been trying to get you to grasp for at least three sessions now. My flying monkeys say this has something to do with the shmoopy currently drooling on your shoulder. Be nice to your friends and lovers if you’ve got ‘em. Some kind of disappointment may show up at the end of the week (making room for opportunity!!! Don’t get growly!!!), and you’ll need the loving hugs and cold beer provided by those who love you.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Now, with YOUR home planet safe in the arms of balanced and friendly Libra, things probably won’t suck for you this week in Romance land. Even if you’re not getting laid with all the hot kittens you’ve been pining for, you’ve finally come to accept this as your fate, particularly when you look around and see multitudes of couples attempting to gnaw each other’s eyes out. Frankly, it’s a better use of your time for you to be keeping an eye on things on the job. Your cube-mate is tracking your G-Chat hours. You may have to (crap…) try to get to work a little earlier, or better yet, sneak back in an 5:45, and catch the spying cube-mate wanking off to kiddie porn or something. Balance out the blackmail. Actually, if you catch your cube-mate looking at kiddie-porn, kill the bastard. Or get him fired, anyway. Your G-Crack hours will be forgiven and you’ll have a blissfully quiet cube all to yourself for awhile!

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
Ick. Gemini is in the land of Suck where romance is concerned. Let’s hope it’s one of those “growing things” and won’t last long. But if you’ve felt recently that your partner’s entrance into a room brings a psychic prison door clang as well, maybe you need to take a little walk to the park and get some space. If you don’t have a honey, and you’re still stalking your married neighbor, maybe you need to take a break from that as well. Do you know what bad news usually portends in the Universal Book of Truth that Sucks? Bad news usually portends more bad news, and if you’re having problems at home, they’re going to double when it turns out that your upstairs neighbor passed away blissfully in his/her sleep last night. Unfortunately, that neighbor was also kind of senile and forgot they were doing the dishes when they went to bed. Running water, symbolic or actual, may cause your kitchen ceiling to fall through. Be nice to your partner, or on the flipside, don’t look suspicious to your neighbor’s spouse. In either case you’re probably going to need to call on them for help.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Yep, Mars is still here. Until the end of the calendar year, which means New Years is going to be awesome!!! We’ve been hiding away too much in the last few weeks, but damn. It’s really cold outside. Fortunately, we’ve brought out our cozy, comfy sweaters and have been burning scented candles to get rid of Sister Mary Queens’ cigar odor. Our homes are neat and tidy, which means we have no choice but to stop ignoring our personal lives. Instead of waiting for people to come and invite us out for beer and nachos, we may have to call them. This is doubly important and here’s why: we have a nasty disruption of our own, that may cause icky stomach discomfort. Hopefully, it was only Friday’s take-out. But if it’s not, we may have to team up with Gemini, who’s likely going to be on this crash course with us. Despite the chatter, they’re good in a crisis.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You’re just not taking well to anything these days, are you? Sister Mary is wont to blame the Scorpio influence, but she’s ALWAYS blaming the Scorpio influence. Leo, who is so easily affected by the bullshit around them, needs to learn when to shut off the cell phone, close the chat window and turn off the television. Just getting evening news previews makes you start to plan how you could jump in a little plane and go pass out sacks of rice, and cry when you realize you’re down to half a box of Uncle Ben’s and aren’t getting paid until Thursday. Leo, you simply cannot take on the UN’s missions alone. Even if you give up your job and all your possessions and get yourself overseas, you’ll only be able to put a little bandaid on a much bigger problem. The same goes for the life of those around you! Little bandaids are helpful. Don’t forget to put them on the things in your own life as well.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Well….SOMEONE (Virgo…) didn’t take Sister Mary’s advice last week and is finding themselves running into that damn brick wall again. While it’s good that you’ve listened and tried to judge fairly, your head is getting in the way of your gut again and that’s why the brick wall looks like a yellow brick road. It’s not an acid flashback. They lied to you about those. Look around and find out if getting everyone to listen to you is really important. Do you need them to do what you say, or do you simply need a place to vent? Before you have a stroke or get a broken nose, talk to a trusted friend and let go of the things you can’t do anything about. Most things will improve on their own.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
Yay, Libra! All this change has done fabulous things for your home and your appearance. You feel like a new person now that you’ve gone red, and think Cribs is retarded for not putting your apartment on the show. (Here’s a hint: they’re not into IKEA and potpourri. Get a naked chick to swim in your fish tank and maybe it’ll sell.) But, hey! You’re going to have another breakthrough this week! It turns out that the nails and the hair and the eco-friendly washer/dryer combo didn’t actually change the YOU part of you, and for that, we’re all grateful. Now, if you’re going after Buddhism to get those changes you desire, understand that it may take several lifetimes to reach enlightenment. Maybe take some Reiki courses—you can be a master in 3 weeks or something! But if you’re having trouble rushing enlightenment or your local Reiki instructor is out of town on a Raw Foods retreat for a bit, stay calm and don’t get icky. We love you as you are, and your hair does, by the way, look spectacular.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Sun in Scorpio, a new moon in Scorpio? Are you trying to kill us? It’s a complicated time for the rest of us, but Scorpios are reveling in their own cosmic energy, garnering strength and kicking ass all across the Cosmos. Now, for the frustrating news. The chaos your sign brings is making everyone else insane. Suddenly, you’re the recipient of sobbing phone calls, you’re breaking up fights (what? You???) at the bar. With power comes the responsibility of having to deal with other people’s garbage. Don’t get worried if you don’t know how to help those around you. Pay attention to what it is they’re not saying. Aren’t you supposed to be the psychic one? Go read one of those books on constructive communication and make a power-point presentation for all of your friends. They may not find it helpful, but any excuse to get people to bring liquor to your house is a good thing. Maybe everyone will get drunk and start screwing one another. Now, THAT, they’ll thank you for.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Not that you’d ever admit it…but you’re pretty damn upset about something. You got dumped, or dumped someone you kinda thought was cool, or your roommate got sent back to Bulgaria…whatever the case. You’re pretty sorry you had to see that someone go. We all know you’re upset, little Sag. You’re wasting your breath when you lie! While you’re drawing up that Craig’s list ad, understand that the immigration department gave you a gift when they deported your mail-order “bride.” Not only does it open the doors to meet new cool people, you’ve got even more cool stories to share at the Moth! Now, if these glorious new cool people don’t show up, or if you don’t get your name drawn, don’t be sad. It wasn’t meant to be. However, the flying monkeys are pleased to report that there is a new partnership on the way for Sag. Whether business or pleasure, be sure to get back to us with juicy details.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
The death of Norman Mailer has affected many of us Capricorn, but you’re acting as though no one will ever publish a book again. True, the movement to the Pod and the Web means more stuff to read is electronic, but that doesn’t warrant cutting up your library card. Yet. Unless you’ve got a good line on Jesus (let me know if you do, he has my shoes), there’s no chance of bringing the old bastard back to life. And there will be other writers, and maybe one of them will live up to one of your merciless standards. Until that genius appears and pleases you, they say Rowling is coming out with a new series.

Aquarius (January 20-February 19)
Congratulations! You win the sexiest sign award this week! Someone who blew you off awhile ago is back to kiss your ass, sweep you off your feet and carry you away to the backseat of the car. Now, be sure this person doesn’t just want what’s left of your checking account. The last time YOU checked, there wasn’t much to see, there. Actually, it looks as though this person has good things to share with you. Even if it’s not sex, they may have other presents for you. Or, they’ll take the place of your gassy-roommate who’s still not caught up on February’s rent. They’re here to help you and you’ll have a good time. Let this be a warning not to get distracted and run away with the circus when this friend comes to town. You won’t get a third chance.

Pisces (February 20-March 20)
Slowly coming back to earth brings the dry heaves and the bends. You’d much prefer to go curl up under the radiator with the cat and wait for the bad things to disappear. The truth is, Pisces, the bad things you ran away from simply aren’t there. The flying monkeys want you to know that there are delicious opportunities sitting outside and purring for you, but they’ll wander away if you don’t run out there and pick ‘em up. However, in these opportunities, it’s important not to bring the past of “Boy, that sucked,” or the ignorant “It’s going to be perfect!!!” along with you. Understand that there are parts of both in both and that you’re not alone in any of it. Take your time and enjoy the dance.